Great advice Addy!

Hi Stefan,

It’s never easy letting go of friends and I think some of the sadness comes from disappointment. You expect your friend to give as much as you are giving and when they don’t, it may become easy to interpret that as them not caring about the relationship. Since you’ve taken NLP, you know that everyone has their own map of the world and your friend my just be expressing himself differently than you would express yourself but still have good intentions for your friendship. Although you always have the option to let people go, it’s sometimes more interesting to become curious and to learn more about the map that governs your friend’s perception of the world. This way at least you can communicate to him in his language.

The pain you feel is something you should pay attention to. There is a message there.

I’m on my way to your blog now. Thanks for your comments and for sharing.

Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.

I was talking about a specific person, with whom I used to get along very well a few years ago. Then I started on the path of personal development, learned NLP, and voila, a better Stefan appeared. And I think that a part of me was set free, that he did not feel comfortable with. I can see now that his life seems to be built around rules, his rules, and everyone should know and obey them. I, on the other hand, try to see the rules, and why they are there. I often break rules, just because they are ridiculous. I do not think he is comfortable with that.

While writing this I have realised I have to let go of him. That he is a close neighbour makes it a little more difficult, but isn’t life a lot of challenges, which you have to handle and learn from? I have seen friends disappear before, but also received new better friends.

I have known for a long time that you can’t be friends with everyone. I keep forgetting that. Something deep inside me still experiences pain when I lose a friend.

Thank you for your encouraging words!

Stefan
PS. Feel free to visit my personal development blog. Hopefully some of my articles can help you.

Hi Stefan,

Thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Asking for feedback is one of the hardest things to do because indirectly you are asking for someone to tell you how you are not perfect right now. It always helps to create a safe environment for them to answer when you ask and to explain why you are asking (especially if it is out of the blue). Then you need to take their feedback seriously. When they see that you are changing based on what they say, they’ll give you even better feedback. For yourself, remember feedback is only a reflection on your behavior, not your behavior.

As for people who keep score, there is no way to stop anyone from doing anything or changing anyone so don’t waste your energy. All you can do is live your life the way you want and don’t let their score keeping bother you. If it does bother you, then consider how important the relationship is to you. If it’s important, then think about what specifically is bothering you. Are you trying to impose your standard on your friends? Just because you don’t keep score doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t keep score. If the relationship is not important, then you always have the choice to discontinue the friendship.

Always remember that you are the architect of your life and you can live it the way you want.
Robert