When I first started drafting materials for Vana Lab — the website copy, the program descriptions, the outreach emails — I shared them constantly with people I trusted. I’d tell them, “I’d love your feedback.”

And they gave great feedback.
Smart, thoughtful, genuinely helpful.

But if I’m honest, part of me wasn’t just listening for improvement.
I was listening for approval.

I wanted the reassuring lines:

• “This looks great.”
• “You’re on the right track.”
• “You’re onto something special.”

What I was really seeking was permission to continue. And in a subtle way, I was also outsourcing accountability: If this doesn’t work, look at all the people who thought it would. It felt safer that way and it tricked me into thinking I needed someone else’s blessing before I could proceed.

Here’s the insight I’m taking with me into the new year:

Take the feedback — and then make your own decision.
Feedback is data.
Validation is optional.
Choice is always yours.

And even better:

You don’t always need validation.
But you always benefit from feedback.

Validation offers momentary comfort.
Feedback creates long-term improvement.

Understanding that difference made the whole process of building Vana Lab lighter and far less emotionally tangled. Instead of being stalled mulling feedback and debating whether I should move forward or not, I could take action to move forward.

Why We Keep Seeking Validation We Don’t Need

We all seek validation — not because we’re weak, but because reassurance feels good. It calms uncertainty. It tells us we’re “okay.”

But validation is comfort, not guidance.

Validation says: “You’re fine.”
Feedback says: “Here’s how this can be stronger.”

One soothes.
One sharpens.

When we rely on validation to make decisions, we end up:

• moving slower
• doubting our instincts
• taking neutral feedback personally
• waiting for permission no one can actually give us
• outsourcing decisions that ultimately belong to us

Unnecessary validation doesn’t make you safer.
It makes you more fragile.

Feedback helps the work improve.
Validation helps you feel better for a moment.

Only one of those leads to growth.

Six Ways to Trust Yourself More (and Depend on Validation Less)

Here are practical steps I found helpful:

1. Before seeking input, ask: “Do I want reassurance or improvement?”

Most of us never pause to identify which one we’re seeking.

If you want reassurance, say so.
If you want improvement, expect honesty.

Clarity protects your emotions.

2. Treat feedback as data, not direction

When you receive feedback, respond with:
“Thank you — let me sit with that.”

It stops defensiveness while allowing you time to decide what you want to do with the feedback.

3. Build a simple self-validation habit

If you validate yourself even a little, you stop hunting for it everywhere else.

Each evening, ask:

• What went well today?

• What effort am I proud of?

• What did I learn?

Internal validation reduces the desperation for external approval.

4. Separate the work from your identity

“This needs improvement” does not mean “You’re not good enough.”

Feedback targets the work, not your worth.

5. Do small “discomfort reps”

Gradually increase your tolerance for feedback without validation:

• send a draft sooner

• ask one trusted person instead of ten

• publish something without waiting for approval

Each small rep builds independence.

6. Choose your “trusted few”

Not every voice deserves equal weight.

Pick 3–5 people whose feedback is grounded, honest, and aligned with your values. — your own “challenge network,” as Adam Grant calls it.

Let their voices matter.

Let everyone else fade into background noise.

The less I rely on validation, the clearer I think and the more confidently I move. People also give better feedback when they no longer feel pressure to protect your feelings.

Instead of asking people whether they like something, I'm focusing on what I'm learning — and moving forward with what feels meaningful for me to pursue, in the way I want to pursue it.

As I look to next year, I'm taking to heart that my decisions - the ones that matter most - belong to me. 

As we close out the year, here’s a question worth sitting with:

Where are you waiting for validation you don’t actually need — and what might happen if you moved forward anyway?

If you’re a parent looking for quick tips on helping your child build success habits, you might enjoy the Vana Lab Insights YouTube channel. No validation required — just ideas to support your child’s growth.

The post Why We Seek Validation We Don’t Need — And What To Do Instead appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Have things. Be with people.

It sounds obvious. But when I look closely at how I live—how I treat my stuff, how I interact with others—I realize how often I get it backwards. If I'm not careful, I find myself trying to be with things and have people.

This reversal has led to a lot of unnecessary struggle.

Have Things

Things—tech, money, clothes, books, furniture—are meant to serve us. They exist to be controlled and used to meet a need or solve a problem. When your phone connects you, your jacket keeps you warm, or your calendar brings order to your week, it's doing its job.

But problems creep in when we ask things to meet our being needs—like feeling worthy, seen, or "enough."

We start collecting, upgrading, chasing—bigger houses, better titles, sleeker devices. And for a moment, it works. We get a hit of validation. But it fades.

Why? Because possessions were never designed to meet those deeper needs.

Psychologists like Abraham Maslow made this clear. Material things can meet survival needs (food and safety). But what about growth needs like purpose, connection, and esteem? Those come from how we live and relate.

When we try to meet growth needs through material things, we stay stuck. We don’t grow. We just accumulate.

Reflection:
Is there anything I’ve been buying or chasing lately that I hope will make me feel “enough”?

Be With People

Then there’s how we treat people.

We know we can’t “have” someone. But it’s easy to act like we can.

We want people—children, friends, partners, colleagues—to behave a certain way. Meet our expectations. Agree with us. We judge, manage, even try to fix them. We may not call it control, but often, that’s exactly what it is.

But people aren’t problems to solve. They’re mysteries to walk alongside.

Being with someone means offering presence—not control. It means letting go of trying to change them and instead paying attention to who they already are.

You allow room for them to grow, just like you want room for your own growth.

You listen more. You judge less. You get curious. And in that space, something profound happens: you both develop. Together.

Reflection:
Where in my relationships am I trying to fix or control instead of just being present?

Real Connection Starts Here

This shift—from having to being with—takes practice. But it leads to deeper satisfaction and richer relationships.

Here’s a small challenge you can try this week:

Pick one possession to use more consciously (e.g., your phone—use it as a tool, not a distraction).
And choose one relationship where you’ll show up with curiosity, not control. No fixing—just presence.

And maybe keep this phrase in your back pocket when things get confusing:

Have things. Be with people.
The first helps you function. The second helps you flourish.

Photo by Muhamad Iqbal Akbar

The post Have Things. Be With People. (The Simple Shift That Changes Everything) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

"Stop letting it bother you. Why don't you let it go."

"Let it go, it'll feel better."

If only it were that easy. Often, we hear this well-meaning advice precisely with feelings that we're finding impossible to let go of or even to stop thinking about.
According to Dr. David Hawkins, author of Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, letting go is difficult because:

"part of ourselves is attached to the familiar, no matter how painful or inefficient it is. It may seem bizarre, but our self with a small “s” actually enjoys an impoverished life and all the negativity that goes with it: feeling unworthy, being invalidated, judging others and ourselves, being inflated, always “winning” and being “right,” grieving the past, fearing the future, nursing our wounds, craving assurance, and seeking love instead of giving it."

There is a benefit for us to hold on to negative feelings (or else we wouldn't be doing it). If we were to let go of them, we may no longer be "at the mercy of the world" or the victim. We'll no longer have any excuses to lean on or anyone else to blame. We become responsible for what is happening to us and how our lives have turned out. Harsh or Empowering?

For many of us, it's easy to suppress (consciously) or repress (unconsciously) our feelings especially when we feel fear, guilt, or shame around those feelings. Unfortunately, the emotions we push down end up resurfacing in different ways - ultra-sensitivity to what people say, misperception of what people are trying to do, or increasing stress that others will find out about our feelings. We are better off facing, expressing, and letting go of our feelings so we can neutralize and release them.

Here is how to actually let go:

Step 1: Feel the feeling and avoid the thoughts

Allow yourself to "have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it." I used to think the goal was to be aware of the feeling and then do the work to "address" it. Whether it's telling myself I shouldn't be feeling that way, or trying to ignore it altogether, I would often miss this important first step to just feel the feeling. I now realize that resisting the feeling is what keeps it going. A nuanced, yet important element is to focus on the feeling itself, not the thoughts that the feelings generated.

For example, if I was feeling indignant about a comment made during a meeting, I should accept that I'm feeling indignant and focus on how that feels. Am I breathing in a more shallow way? Am I clenching my jaw? What I want to avoid ruminating about are the thoughts that easily follow my feelings, "What did she mean by that? I bet she is making me look bad, so she can get that promotion." Thoughts arise when you try to explain or rationalize your inner feelings. Just because your thoughts are believable, it doesn't make them true.

Summary: Accept that you're annoyed and focus on how annoyance shows up for you. Resist the urge to think about what's causing your annoyance and other people's intentions.

Step 2: Stay with the feeling and let it run its course without taking action

As you continue to feel the feeling, other emotions may arise about how the situation is going. Keep the same process and allow those feelings to arise. Don't dismiss the feeling or put it aside. Stay with it. Keep asking yourself what's happening in the present moment (reality) as opposed to what the other person's intentions were (blind speculation). The gamechanger for me was to realize that emotions are like balloons filled with air. If you keep letting the air out by feeling the feeling, it'll eventually run out of air. If you suppress the feeling, it's like blowing air into the balloon until it one day pops. Sometimes letting go of one feeling causes another one to arise. Repeat the process of letting go of subsequent negative feelings. For example, as the feeling of being indignant passes and my jaw unclenches, I begin to feel frustrated in the form of pressure in my sternum and shallow breathing. Continue to focus on the feeling as opposed to thinking about why you're frustrated ("I'm going to let this person get away with bad behavior.")

Feeling, thinking, and acting are different even though they are tightly related. Feeling leads to thinking and acting. Thinking can lead to feelings and actions. Actions can lead to feelings and thinking. To let a feeling run its course, feel without thinking or taking action. Just observe. You may want to be curious about what positive outcome the feeling is creating for you. For example, feeling indignant may garner sympathy for others or justify your unruly behavior.

Summary: Feel your annoyance without expressing your annoyance. If you have to think, figure out what benefit this feeling might be giving you.

Step 3: Express positive feelings and surrender negative ones

In most cases, you may not need to take action at all, but if you wanted to act in a situation where you're feeling a negative emotion, consider the opposing positive emotion and act in accordance with that emotion. For example, if I'm feeling indignant about the situation, my most likely behavior is to challenge the people or the ideas that are being brought up. Instead, if I allow the emotion to pass, I can consider the opposing positive emotion of indignant, which is content. If I were content, I might act to support what was being said, as opposed to undermining it. Not only have I let go of being indignant, but I have also let go of my resistance to being content. When we hold on to negative emotions, we don't realize that we're crowding out the positive ones that we want to fill our lives. Let the surrendering of a negative emotion remind you of the positive emotion you could be expressing.

To let go means allowing ourselves to experience the feeling without changing it even if the feeling is not a positive one. Don't deny what's there. When you accept that you have both positive and negative emotions, you began to accept not only your own humanness but those of others. Our willingness to face down our own jealousy knowing that it will pass helps us have compassion for those around us who may feel passing jealousy and are dealing with it at the moment. It's the feeling that we repress or suppress, that we "punish" others for. Not because they should be punished, but that's how we signal that we are holding down this emotion within us. Be curious about the feelings that you have trouble surrendering. What positive outcome does that feeling create for you?

Summary: Once you've let your annoyance run its course without acting on it, think about the opposing positive emotion and act on that emotion. The opposite of being annoyed is being pleased. If you step into the feeling of being pleased, you may express gratitude or smile.

Now, I'm not advocating that you thank the person that is annoying you (although you could). We often carry the negative emotion with us well beyond the situation that triggered the negative emotion, which is why we have trouble letting it go. The switch to expressing the opposite positive emotion happens only after you let go of the negative emotion. This is not easy to do, and I'm still struggling, but I found feeling the negative feeling to let go of it and expressing the opposite positive feeling a good way to complete the cycle of letting go.

"Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind."

"Let go of anticipating the next moment, trying to control it, trying to hang on to the moment that has just passed. Let go clinging to what has just occurred. Let go trying to control what you think is about to occur."

Feelings are transitory. You are not your feelings. Like beach waves, feelings come and go, and you are merely seeing them come in. You just happen to be close enough that you feel it each time those waves wash ashore. Accept the feelings you don't think you should be having or are still here - let them come and go. Don't judge the feeling - learn from it. Since each emotion is serving you in some way, figure out what the emotion is doing for you. Ask yourself, "What am I getting [emotion] for?" Usually, emotion is helping us address a fear or to achieve happiness.

For example, "What am I getting angry at my kids for?"

Answer: "To prevent them from growing up to be spoiled brats." or "To justify to other parents that I'm a good parent."  

To let go in this example, I'll focus on how anger manifests for me - shallow breathing through the nose and furrowed brow. I'll do my best not to express anger (raising my voice or or saying something I'll regret). Once the anger passes, I'll consider acting on the opposing positive emotion (calm and delight) and ask my kids, "What happened" in a neutral voice. (As I mentioned earlier, easier said than done, but this approach will likely better achieve my ultimate goal of building a long-lasting relationship with them.)

You know you're doing this well when you don't find yourself taking action based on strong emotion. "It's okay if it happens, and it's okay if it doesn't"

To make letting go easier, Hawkins suggests we let go of some commonly held beliefs:

1. We only deserve things through hard work, struggle, sacrifice, and effort (instead of judging who is deserving, just do you)
2. Suffering is beneficial and good for us (instead of sacrificing and suffering, focus on not resisting positive feelings)
3. We don’t get anything for nothing (instead of fighting for everything, try receiving it)
4. Things that are very simple aren’t worth much (instead of discarding the simple, find as many simple solutions that work to make your life easier)
5. We could have done something differently in the past (instead of beating yourself up, recognize that you did what you thought was best to do at the time)
6. People should repay us for the things we do for them (instead of getting angry when they don't. see it as your generosity to them)
7. The way to get a thing is to want it (Instead of keeping the pressure on for fear of losing something, see pressure as the very thing that pushes what you want away. Losing patience is a form of pressure.)

Reflect on this powerful thought by David Hawkins (Letting Go):

"We could take the same protective actions out of love rather than out of fear. Can we not care for our bodies because we appreciate and value them, rather than out of fear of disease and dying? Can we not be of service to others in our life out of love, rather than out of fear of losing them? Can we not be polite and courteous to strangers because we care for our fellow human beings, rather than because we fear losing their good opinion of us? Can we not do a good job because we care about the quality of our performance and we care about our fellow workers? Can we not perform our job well because we care about the recipients of our services, rather than just the fear of losing our jobs or pursuing our own ambition?"

What do you want to let go of today?

Photo by Brett Jordan

The post How to Actually Let Go appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

• Published: December 2010
• ISBN-10: 0553386395
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: Our brain is an anticipation machine that continually prepares itself for the future based on what has happened in the past. We can change our experiences and our brain by directing our attention and creating new neural pathways. Perception is always a blend of what we are sensing now (feeling) and what we've learned previously (shortcut). Understanding what impacts our perception allows us to manage our perceptions and respond as opposed to react to what happens to us.

The post Mindsight by Daniel Siegel appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

• Published: March 2015
• ISBN-10: 0814436471
• EP Rating: 4 out of 5 (good read)

EP Main Takeaway: Focus on the other person by listening and making them feel important and felt. People do things for a reason - ask questions to find out why; don't assume. Manage your own emotions by being aware of your physical reactions, emotions felt, impulses, consequences, solutions, and benefits.

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