People may have different starting points but experience, training, and personal effort is what takes them the rest of the way; "not always the people who start out the smartest that end up the smartest" (Binet)

Your mindset matters: adopt growth mindset as opposed to fixed mindset

• Stop trying to prove your greatness and focus on getting better, those with fixed mindset avoid being measured while the growth mindset focused on what to do differently in the next situation;
• When reviewing your skills, do you see fixed ability that needs to be proven or changeable ability that can be developed

Howard Gardner - "exceptional people have a special talent for identifying their own strengths and weaknesses"

No matter what kind of person you are, you can change substantially and you can change your mindset

Challenge yourself by playing against people better than you; really explore your limits - don't go through life doing what is easy; get the thrill from what's hard

Definition of smart: learning something over time (confronting a challenge and making progress) as opposed to immediate perfection; stop trying to prove you're special or superior to others; recognize your struggle and honor your work**

Potential is the ability to develop skills: one test CANNOT measure you forever

Failure doesn't define you; those with a fixed mindset tend to shirk, cheat, blame when they fail and look to compare with those worst off; those with a growth mindset will work harder*

Fixed mindset thinks effort is for people with deficiencies; hard to say "I gave it my all but it wasn't good enough"; people don't try because they don't think they need to if they have talent; Not trying also removes excuses when you try and fail

• People with fixed mindsets seek validation for being smart or that they are better than others*

Strive to be able to say, "I gave my all for the things I valued"

Growth Mindset Strategies:

• When you want to give up because something is hard, keep going and meet the challenge; Be mentally tough to stay focused when things aren't going your way; champions stretch beyond ordinary ability when they need to
• Remember that you're not perfect, get constructive feedback
• When you're feeling down, work harder
• Do something you're not good at; Focus on the value of your actions and not the outcomes - take actions that stretch you
• Think of your heroes, note the work they put in to achieve what they have achieved

Working harder makes you smarter; study to learn, not just to ace tests; take charge of the process for being awesome ***

What anyone in the world can learn, anybody else can learn given the right conditions

Praise effort - not ability; burden of talent kills enjoyment;

Avoid labeling - Negative labels harm achievement because people are afraid of deserving it. Positive labels hurt because people are afraid of losing it.

When people beat you, consider that they used better strategies, taught themselves more, practiced harder and worked their way through obstacles

Gladwell - people praise natural endowment over earned ability; that's why people think it's effortless for successful people (don't fall into this trap)

Growth mindset: work in progress

• Success = learning and improving, not winning
• Setbacks = wake up calls; motivating and informative
• Takes charge of processes that bring and maintain success

Fixed mindset: finished product

• Success = proving you're superior
• Failure = labeled as loser
• Doesn't take responsibility for process: blames others

Don't assume you're bad at something - work hard and you can overcome

Great leaders:

• Can look failures in the face, even their own, and maintain faith that they would succeed at the end
• Give praise for initiative, seeing a difficult task through, struggling and learning something new, acting in criticism

Warning sign of someone with a fixed mindset:

• They need to prove their superiority!! Or blame others **;
• They look to validate themselves even if it means putting others down

When leaders have a fixed mindset, everyone adopts it because do they are being judged in that way

In relationships:

After a breakup, fixed mindset people go for revenge to discredit the other person; growth mindset person sees the experience as a learning opportunity

When it comes to relationships, see you, your partner and the relationship all having the ability to grow

• mind reading, agreeing on everything is fixed mindset thinking
• partners have the potential for change but it doesn't mean they will change
• encourage each other's development

Who can you share your successes with? These are your real growth mindset friends

To your children, send this message:

• Praise effort, not intelligence or talent - "You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."
  • Be careful how you talk about others and about praising speed and perfection
  • Innate talent is not a goal, developing skills and knowledge is
• Don't make life a series of tests, remove judgment ***, teach instead
• Teach them to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort and keep on learning **
• When child fails, tell them why they didn't deserve to win; feedback teaches how to fix something, it doesn't label
• Next time in a position to discipline, look at the msg you are sending:
  • "I will judge and punish you" or "I will help you think and learn."
  • Show kids you love them even if they don't go for your aspirations for them; resist the urge to make children carbon copies of yourself

Great teachers believe in the growth of the intellect and they are fascinated with the process of learning

• Teach students to love learning; challenge and nurture them
• Continue to learn - apply yourself a little each day to become better
• Demand full preparation and full effort from your students
• Remember you top priorities for a teacher: concern, compassion and consideration

"Success is not coming to you, you must come to it."

Beware of success - it can knock you into the fixed mindset

When deciding to take action (need to do, want to learn, problem to solve), don't vow - make a concrete and vivid plan.

• What can I learn from this?
• Ask: What are the opportunities for learning and growth today? For myself, for people around me?
• When, where and how will I learn?

Change needs to be supported or they go away; you're always vulnerable to your old habits

Move away from judge and be judged mindset to learn and help learn

Here is a good visual summary from Carol Dweck's Mindset website:

Nonviolent communication is about learning how to tell others:

• what they are doing to enrich or hurt your life
• what your needs are
• what feelings are tied to your needs

Nonviolent communication judges whether behavior serves life but does not judge to reward or punish; It does not evaluate on rightness and wrongness

Nonviolent Communication Process

1. Concrete actions we observe that affect our well being
   • Don't mix observation with evaluation: state facts not your interpretation
2. How we feel in relation to what we observe
   • Don't use "that, like, as if" or pronouns and proper nouns after "I feel" because you are not expressing feelings anymore, you're expressing thoughts
   • Express vulnerability to help resolve conflicts
   • Distinguish between what you feel and how you think others react or behave towards you
   • Develop a vocabulary for feelings
3. The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
   • What others do or say may be the STIMULUS of our feelings, but NOT the CAUSE;
     • Take responsibility for what you feel
     • Don't make others feel guilty by forcing them to take responsibility for your hurt feeling
   • Acknowledge your own needs, desires, and expectations when you hear something
     • Analysis of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values **
   • Expressions that mask accountability: using impersonal pronouns like it or that;
     • "I feel (emotion) because (personal pronoun) ... "
     • Use instead, "I feel because I ..." ***
   • Judgments, criticism, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all expressions of our own needs but since they are indirect, you don't get heard***
     • The more directly you express your feelings, the more compassionate people will be
   • Ask yourself what is it you're needing, and what would you like to request from one the other person
     • Basic human needs:
       • Autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, spiritual communion, physical nurturance, play
     • If we don't value our needs, others may not either;
   • Don't take responsibility for other people's feelings; take responsibility for your intentions and actions
4. The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
   • Use clear, concrete, positive language when stating request: people can't do a "don't"
     • If you only express your feelings, people may not be clear about what you want them to do
     • Ask the other person to reflect back what you said
     • You waste people's time if you're not clear about the response you want
     • Ask people to change behavior because it will benefit them
   • Request honesty: what is the listener feeling, thinking or willing to do
   • If we interpret non-compliance as rejection, we are most likely making demands as opposed to requests ***;
     • Empathize when people don't agree! Don't begin to persuade without empathizing
       • Empathizing with someone's "no" protects us from taking it personally
     • When making requests, ask yourself the reasons you want the other person to comply
       • If it's to avoid punishment you've missed the mark;
       • Indicate you only want the other person to comply if they are willing
   • Everyone is unique, don't label people

Comparisons are a form of judgment and lead quickly to feeling miserable ***

Take responsibility - instead of "I have to do X because Y" use "I choose to do X because Z"

How to receive empathically using nonviolent communication

• Remain present without judgment and focus fully on the other person's message;
  • "Don't just do something, stand there"
  • Ask before offering advice or reassurance***
  • To have empathy, be wholly present with other party and what they are experiencing
• Actions that prevent empathy:
  • Advising, one-upping, educating, consoling, storytelling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, correcting ***;
  • intellectual understanding blocks empathy;
• No matter what others say, we only hear what they are observing, feeling, needing, requesting;
  • "Are you feeling unhappy because you are needing ..."
  • Allow others to fully explore their feelings before trying to solve their problem, wait for sense of release of tension or flow of words to stop
• Paraphrase using questions and in the context of observations, feelings, needs, and requests;
  • Reflect back emotionally charged messages when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding
  • Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs
  • A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone's life

It's more difficult to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status or resources

Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen

Don't do things out of shame and guilt; remove "should" or "have to" from your language

• Watch for your feelings and needs in your own self-talk
• List "have to" or "supposed to" tasks and change them to "I choose to ... Because I want ... "***;
  • With every choice you make, be conscious of the need it serves;
  • Be wary when you do things for money, approval, to escape punishment, to avoid shame, guilt or to satisfy a sense of duty; do things to enrich lives
• We are never angry because of what others say or do - separate stimulus from cause;
  • See anger as a wake-up call - "I am angry because I am needing ..."
  • When angry, stop and breathe, identify your judgmental thought, connect with your needs and express your feelings and unmet needs
  • Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment
• Guilt occurs when you mix stimulus and cause; it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes what we feel.

You can't win or persuade by telling people what's wrong with them

Use protective force not punitive force (punish, blame, condemn)

• What do you want this person to do?
• What do I want this person's reasons to be for doing it?

Focus on what you truly want as opposed to what is wrong with others or ourselves.

Compliments are often judgments.

Express appreciation by stating:

• Actions that have contributed to your well being
• Your particular needs that have been fulfilled
• The positive feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs

"This is what you did; this is what I feel, this is the need of mine that was met."

Nonviolent Communication Listening Skills

What you hear depends on what you're listening for