Also, it showed me that we have to define what communication is to us. I relate most to the Tom & Jane scenario, where as the response from his action indicated that he wasn’t understanding what she was trying to say, and it caused him to feel as if he was right. Furthermore, when my girlfriend and I would have a disagreement, and I’d ask her to explain/define what she meant, she’d comment firmly that “it means to just do it…” not seeing that us having different definitions is causing the frustration, and I’m acting on my definition because hers wasn’t made clear enough. As you said in the article, technically both of us are correct, but there still needs to be thorough understanding and comprehension. I won’t blame her totally, because I see what I need to do as well. I’m working to make our relationship better, and I’m glad this article was the first thing I found in my search.

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Udaivaransh!

Thank you Helene – I’m glad you enjoyed the article.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, Richard. You’re right – communication is about getting your intentions across to the other person and both individuals should have good intentions to understand each other. The point I’m emphasizing is that having good intentions is not enough if the other person is not hearing your message in the way that you intended.

Like the example of the nagging parent, the parent is most likely intending to help and not to annoy, yet their intention to help is communicated in a way that’s being perceived as annoying rather than helpful. If the nagging parent didn’t find another way to get their intention across and just said, “my intentions were good” and it’s the other person’s fault for not getting my message, then I think they are missing the opportunity to communicate more effectively. Hopefully, this clarifies the point I was intending to make.

Thank you for sharing your challenge Lara. It does sound very frustrating when the other person is disrupting you when you’re trying to get through to them. Are there times when this doesn’t happen? What do you think your husband gains from acting the way he does? Without knowing more about the situation, I would first recommend reading crucial conversations by Kerry Patterson and nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg to see if that might be a path to take. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful and I hope things get better for you.

I’m very word/language-oriented, and what things mean is important to me. My husband quickly tires of analyzing words. So when I try to make sure I’m communicating something, he’ll get frustrated and not answer me, or make fun of me, so then not only did we have poor communication, but then I feel as if I have no power to make it better.

For instance, I was giving info to a doctor for insurance purposes, which I told him I was doing, and I gave my husband’s birthday, and then said to him “that’s right, yes? *insert birthday here*?” and he said “Thank you.” I asked what he meant, and said again that I was trying to verify his birthday. He said that he thought I was making an appointment for him. I said, no, it was for me, and again tried to verify his birthday. This went on and I got frustrated because he was almost intentionally not answering my question. I explained why I was frustrated (it’s like when someone repeats back everything you say; you feel this helpless lack of communication). He said “Yes that’s my birthday.” But by then I was so frustrated, and I tried to explain why I wished he’d just told me yes or no at first, but he didn’t seem to care.

It’s like we were just on a completely different page, and the more I tried to make sure we were on the same page, the more he had to prove that he wasn’t just going to respond to what I was saying.

Add that to things like: interrupting me (say we’re driving or walking, and I’m talking about something – or even answering a question he asked – he’ll randomly interrupt me with anything that catches his attention); frequently not listening as I talk, and then, when I’m done, looking up at me and saying “Huh? Did you say something?”; or, as I try to explain what I meant by something, and why it was important to me, making sort of mocking sounds, trying to imitate me, and saying in a false-aggrieved tone “I TOLD YOU …” (basically making fun of my trying to get my point across) (btw, I don’t say “I TOLD YOU to him, he uses it to make fun of me though). That just frustrates me more, more of the kid who just repeats back your words and you feel that no communication is happening, and I don’t know what to do.

So eventually I just end up being quiet and not communicating, just responding when he talks. I don’t know what else to do when someone doesn’t want to listen, and doesn’t want to understand where I’m coming from.

Do you have advice for someone who tries very hard to make sure the meaning of everything is clear but who is talking with someone who isn’t willing to put that much effort into clarifying meaning?

Glad you found this article helpful Annette!