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The Unintended Consequences of Overprotection: When Helping Hurts

Robert Chen — Fri, 28 Feb 2025 02:20:12 +0000

As my parents have gotten older, I’ve found myself wanting to make their lives easier. I’ll offer to carry things for them, handle tasks they used to do themselves, and even suggest they take it easy instead of pushing themselves too hard. It comes from a place of love—I want to protect them. But recently, I’ve started to wonder: am I actually helping, or am I making them weaker? By doing things for them, am I unintentionally taking away the very things that keep them strong and independent?

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized this isn’t just about aging. It happens in parenting, in leadership, and even in our own personal development. The things we do to protect ourselves and others—avoiding risks, stepping in to help, making things easier—often have unintended consequences. Here’s what I’ve learned about when helping actually hurts.

1. Protecting the Body Can Weaken It

As people get older, they often cut back on physical activity to avoid injuries. On the surface, this makes sense—less movement means fewer chances to fall or strain a muscle. But this avoidance accelerates muscle loss, weakens bones, and reduces balance, making the body even more fragile and prone to injury.

One common example is the decision to move into a home without stairs. While this may reduce the immediate risk of falling, it also removes a built-in way to maintain strength, balance, and mobility. Over time, reduced activity leads to even greater physical decline, making everyday tasks harder and increasing long-term dependence on others.

But aging doesn’t have to mean physical decline. Dr. Keith Baar, a leading researcher in muscle and tendon adaptation, explains how strategic exercise can extend not only how long we live, but how long we stay active and independent. He shares eye-opening, research-backed strategies in the video below that may change the way you structure your workouts:

Instead of avoiding movement, the key is intentional movement—strength training, balance exercises, and mobility work to keep the body resilient. The real risk isn’t moving too much—it’s moving too little.

2. Overhelping Others Steals Their Growth

Parents often do too much for their kids, stepping in to “help” when they struggle. But doing their assignments, fixing their mistakes, and making things easier sends the message that they can’t do it themselves. The short-term win of a better grade or faster solution leads to long-term dependence.

In my work helping parents support their kids, I often remind them: Don’t do your child’s push-ups for them. Just like you can’t do pushups for someone else and expect them to get stronger, you can’t do your child’s homework and expect them to develop real competence. The only way they build confidence and capability is by struggling through the challenge themselves.

Likewise, in the workplace, redoing a colleague’s work might seem like the fastest way to keep things moving, but it prevents them from improving—and it makes you the bottleneck. When people don’t fully own their work, they may start expecting you to step in and fix things, leading them to put in less effort. Instead of striving for excellence, they default to good enough, knowing someone else will catch the mistakes. This creates a cycle where they never fully develop, and you end up carrying more responsibility than you should.

3. Playing It Safe at Work Limits Your Growth

At work, many people stick to tasks they already know they can do well. They avoid taking on unfamiliar projects, leading new initiatives, or pushing for a promotion—not because they’re incapable, but because they fear failure or embarrassment. Yet avoiding risk doesn’t keep you safe; it keeps you stuck.

One of the biggest mistakes professionals make is waiting for the “right” time to take risks in their careers. But as Carla Harris, Vice Chairman of Morgan Stanley Wealth Management, explains below, growth happens when you step up before you feel fully ready. The best opportunities don’t come when you’re 100% prepared—they come when you’re willing to bet on yourself.

One way professionals unintentionally hold themselves back is by refusing to delegate. Many believe, It’s faster if I just do it myself, but this thinking keeps them trapped in routine work rather than focusing on higher-level projects that would advance their careers. Delegation isn’t just about efficiency—it’s about creating the space to work on what truly moves the needle.

How This Applies to You

At the heart of these examples is a simple truth: Growth requires discomfort.

Muscles grow when they are pushed beyond comfort.
Kids become independent when they struggle and figure things out.
Professionals advance when they take risks and own their work.

If you want to improve yourself (and help others do the same), resist the urge to overprotect, overhelp, or over-control. Instead, ask:

👉 Where am I avoiding discomfort in a way that’s holding me back?
👉 Am I stepping in because it’s truly best for them, or because it’s easier for me?
👉 Am I prioritizing short-term ease over long-term growth?

Real progress happens when we let go of the safety nets that keep us stuck. The next time you’re tempted to take the easier route, consider whether it’s actually keeping you (or someone else) from getting stronger. If you want to go fast, take the easy path. But if you want to go far, embrace the challenge.

Photo by Claudio Schwarz

The post The Unintended Consequences of Overprotection: When Helping Hurts appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Conscious Business by Fred Kofman

Robert Chen — Sat, 28 Dec 2019 05:57:24 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values

Published: October 2013
ISBN-10: 1622032020
EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: The larger purpose of business or any competitve activity is not to gain material wealth or success "but to serve as a theater for self-knowledge, self-actualization, and self-transcendence." Business happens when two parties can exchange goods and services where both parties are better off. To succeed, you want to continuously enhance your ability to serve others while "taking a stand for your values and interacting with others authentically, constructively, and impeccably."

"Self-actualization is best supported through expressions of responsibility, autonomy, and essential integrity: a commitment to a meaningful purpose that goes beyond the immediate gratification of selfish desires and embraces others in service... main task of a conscious business is to help people succeed (accomplish their mission) while they develop healthy relationships (belong to a community) and experience an unconditional sense of peace, happiness, and growth (actualize and transcend the self)."

Our notes:

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values - Fred Kofman

Staying conscious requires attention and commitment. It means being mentally active and constantly refreshing your outlook of the world as it relates to your purposes, goals, interests, actions, and values. It means you're willing to confront reality - pleasant and unpleasant - with the goal of improving.

Business is a platform for you to develop yourself to be fulfilled. Fulfillment comes from meaning and purpose, not pleasure. You success goes beyond material success to improving the lives of others. If you manage people, your role is to create an environment where your people can grow and develop. This will help you generate competitive advantage by attracting, developing, and retaining the right talent. In addition to meeting compensation requirements, people want to feel accepted, respected, supported, acknowledged, and challenged.

“Talented employees need great managers. The talented employee may join a company because of its charismatic leaders, its generous benefits, and its world-class training programs, but how long that employee stays and how productive he is while he is there is determined by his relationship with his immediate supervisor. Leadership transforms individual potential into collective performance ... The leader’s job is to develop and maintain a high-performing team. Her effectiveness is demonstrated by the performance of the team.”

Self-awareness allows us to study our motives and experiences.

How to earn the trust and respect of your direct reports:

Demonstrate strong cognitive and technical competence to do the job
Show that you can perform managerial functions: select the right people, breakdown goal into discrete tasks, assign tasks appropriately, etc.
Exudes seven qualities of a conscious leader

Seven Qualities to be a Conscious Leader

Unconditional responsibility
- Understand that even though you can't control what happens, you can control how you respond. You can affect the future through your actions. Waiting for other people or systems to change is a weak stance. This is the case even if you didn't cause the problem. "If you are the one suffering, you are the one who has the problem."
- A proper response doesn't always lead to your desired outcome. You can control your response but not the result because there are other factors that impact the result. By seeing yourself as a contributor to the problem, you position yourself as a contributor to the solution. Be careful assuming responsibility for results because they may not be fully within your control. Be balanced between the two extremes: Victim (“I have nothing to do with my situation.”) and Superhero (“ I am the sole creator of my reality.”).
- People take on the "victim" role to avoid blame. Language of a victim, "it was an accident”, “I didn’t mean to...”, "It/I/You should.." “You made me do it.” Example: “'Excuse me, I have to take this call,' you are really deceiving yourself and others. You do not have to take the call. You are choosing to take it, because you find it preferable to continuing the conversation."
- Freedom is the ability to choose the response most consistent with your values. Instead of "should", use "would". Shift your language from third to first person, from outside causality toward personal accountability.
- As a leader, remember, "Power is the prize of responsibility; accountability is its price."
- When dealing with victims, don't feed the unproductive behavior by telling the victim that he/she has been wronged. Instead focus on the following empowering questions:
  - "What challenge did you face?
  - How did you contribute (by acting or not acting) to create this situation?
  - How did you respond to the challenge?
  - Can you think of a more effective course of action you could have taken?
  - Could you have made some reasonable preparations to reduce the risk or the impact of the situation?
  - Can you do something now to minimize or repair the damage?
  - What can you learn from this experience?"
Essential integrity
- Actions speak louder than words. It's hard to be happy if you betray your values. Your actions have one of two purposes: (1) Achieve your desired result, and (2) Express your values.
- When your actions match your values, you feel pride. When they do not, you feel guilt. Pursue excellence while staying true to your values. Remember that success is an outcome. Maintaining your integrity is a choice and not conditional on anything.
- Ask yourself, “If I got that (new car, free time, office with natural light, salary increase), what would I get that is even more important to me than that (new car, free time, etc.) itself?” This helps you drill down to your values. Once you understand your higher level goals, it allows you to understand what goal to sacrifice (relinquishing a lower goal in order to pursue a higher one). Example: "Spending time with your family will not make you happy; spending time loving your family will. The way you do any activity is more important for your happiness than the activity itself."
- See business as a way to express your creative energy as opposed to a vehicle to get material wealth.
- "The more stress you bear, the more power you get. Adversity can be an ally, an opportunity to show greatness. True joy does not come from winning but from dignified struggle."
Ontological humility
- "Acknowledgment that you do not have a special claim on reality or truth, that others have equally valid perspectives deserving respect and consideration." It's easy to fall into one way of thinking and unknowingly exclude other paths. Our perceptions are always biased by our experiences, biology, language, culture, values, beliefs, and personal factors. Everyone else's perception is likely different but equally valid. We see only what we can talk about. "We cannot see anything until we are possessed with the idea of it, and then we can hardly see anything else. HENRY DAVID THOREAU"
- To show humility, focus on staying open as opposed to being right. Invite others to share their perspective as opposed to convincing others how right you are.
- It's easy for responses to challenges in the past to become the only acceptable way to respond to future challenges despite potentially being obsolete.
- "...you recognize and validate your and the other’s mental models. When you realize how pervasive and powerful these filters are, it is obvious that calling someone an idiot because she sees things differently is, well, idiotic."
- Mutual learning model:
  - Assumptions
    - My rationality is limited.
    - My mental model conditions my perceptions and interpretations.
    - My point of view is always partial.
  - Different people have different mental models and can see things that I do not.
  - Errors are opportunities to learn and improve. Changing your mind shows openness and courage. Be more concerned about correcting than concealing errors.
- Take yourself less seriously - when you can laugh at yourself, it helps to shift from arrogance to humility.
- "An opinion is toxic when it masquerades as a fact." We are constantly making judgments on facts and confusing our opinions as facts. Brutal honesty is typically just toxic opinions that end up being more “brutal” than “honest.
- How to have an effective opinion
  - Acknowledge that it's an opinion and not a fact to make space for other viewpoints
  - Explain your reasoning and provide facts to support your points
  - States the "desirable change in the task (solving the problem), the relationship (enhancing cooperation and trust), and the well-being of all participants in the conversation."
Authentic communication
- "Most difficult conversations involve disagreements about what is going on, what has led things to be the way they are, why it happened, what should happen next, and who should do what to make it happen ... in difficult conversations, people feel that their sense of identity and esteem is at risk ... When criticism meets defensiveness, it turns into contempt."
- Be careful of falling into all-or-nothing constructs - competent vs incompetent
- Intentions are invisible to others; We think that, “I know (because I can infer with certainty) what you intended,” and that “you cannot know (because you are taking things the wrong way) what I intended.” We are sure of how other people's behaviors impacted us but we cannot be sure of their intentions. We are also sure of our own intentions but not sure of how our actions impacts others. Take time to acknowledge and validate the impact of our actions on others before we clarify our intentions.
- We can't choose what we think or feel. Resist dumping or repressing. Accept that you will judge people and be unconditionally responsible (How are you contributing to this challenge?). Aim for mutual learning - listen and seek to understand where they are coming from. Describe the issue in a way that both sides feel it's true. Express your own views and feelings and acknowledge that they are your own. Stay respectful - the minute someone senses disrespect, they no longer feel safe to share. Allow room for the other person to clarify what they're hearing.
- Don't be afraid to be challenged - counter-arguments do not weaken your own argument. Ask for permission to counter.
Constructive negotiation
- Conflict is not inherently bad. Our inability to manage conflict is the issue.
- Ineffective ways to deal with conflict:
  - Denial - acting as if nothing is wrong.
  - Avoidance - you see the conflict but doing everything to steer clear of it
  - Surrender - you give in when you realize your desires conflict with others
  - Fight - Impose their will at any cost. Typically damages the relationship and hurts the other person.
  - Play politics - lobbies an authority figure or majority to get buy-in for what they want
  - Compromise - "each person ends up with more than what she had, but less than what she wanted."
- Focus on wining together. Decouple your position with your identity - allows you to change your mind.
- To diffuse conflict, remove any one of the three factors needed for conflict
  - Disagreement - find a way to build consensus where both parties can live with the decision; acknowledge each side has property rights to their own opinions; Define mutually acceptable standards and expectations
  - Scarcity - gain more resources and/or drill down to key interests to remove scarcity
  - Disputed Property Rights - clarify who has the power to decide or the decision making process
  - Step-by-step process to handle personal conflict
    - Clarify your needs and desires
    - Establish your Best Alternative to No Agreement (BATNA)
    - Clarify negotiation proces
      - "A expresses, B listens.
      - Person A presents her position while you (B) listen without interrupting.
      - B clarifies and A asks clarifying questions.
      - B summarizes A. A approves B’ s summary.
      - A and B reverse roles.
      - Dialogue - once there is mutual understanding, hold open Q&A and decide whether an agreement is necessary.
      - Find underlying interests - “Why is X important to you?”, “What would you get through X that is even more important to you than X itself?”
      - Brainstorm. Once you discover the underlying interests, you try to develop new options.
      - Negotiate and select an agreed upon outcome."
- If someone escalates a conflict to you. Ask,
  1. “Have you and your colleague tried to resolve this problem using constructive negotiation?” (If the answer is no, say “Go and try that first.” If it is yes, ask the next question.
  2. “Have you invited your colleague to be here to jointly escalate the problem with you?” (If the answer is no, say “Go invite him first.” If yes, ask the next question.
  3. "Have you told your colleague that if he didn’t come with you, you would bring the problem to me alone?” (If the answer is no, say “Then go and tell him first.” If it’s yes, listen to the employee’s situation, or call the colleague to attend the discussion.
- Debrief - "What can we learn from this conflict? How could we minimize the chances of having a similar conflict again? How did we behave during the negotiation?"
- Signs of a positive negotiation: flexibility and fluidity, new solutions, and competitive advantage
- Only takes one person to prevent a conflict from escalating. Takes both people to come up with a win-win solution.
Impeccable coordination
- "Correlation between the impeccability of commitments and the effectiveness of individuals and groups."
- To gain commitment, make your request like:
  - "In order to accomplish W (the satisfaction of a need), I ask you to do X (a specific action) by Y (a specific time). Can you commit to that?" Remember that a request is not a commitment - always ask for a response.
- When someone is asking for you to commit, ask yourself,
  - "Do I understand what the other is asking of me?
  - Do I have the skills and resources to do it?
  - Am I convinced that those on whom I depend will deliver for me?
  - Am I willing to be held accountable for anticipating potential breakdowns?"
- Possible responses to a request
  - “ Yes, I promise.”
  - “ No, I do not commit.” (Although I can try...)
  - “ I need clarification.”
  - “ I commit to respond by (a definite date).”
  - “I accept conditionally. I can commit to do what you ask if R (a mutually observable condition) happens. Would that work for you?”
  - “Let me make a counteroffer. I can’t commit to doing X by Y, but I could do S by T. Would that work for you?”
- "Unproductive complaints look for sympathy and support from third parties and conclude with negative personal judgments ... they discharge emotions and seek revenge ... Productive complaint has four immediate goals: repair or minimize the damage to the task, mend and strengthen the relationship, restore impeccability, and learn from the mistake in order to design more effective ways of cooperating in the future."
- How to complain productively
  - Express your intentions openly and specifically verify the commitment that was broken. Sometimes it's better to let someone off the hook one time than to wrongly accuse someone of breaking their word.
  - Both parties need to agree that the promise was broken.
  - Seek to understand why the promise wasn't kept.
  - Assess the impact and share your specific complaint.
  - Evaluate the damage and express the complaint and pain.
  - Share how the person can make it right and negotiate a recommitment. Make sure that whatever you ask for will close the issue for you.
  - Find ways to improve gaining commitment upfront.
- Be proactive in keeping the person you've committed to informed especially if you think there is a risk that you'll break your commitment. When you break your promise, own it and make it right for the other person.
- Praise your people when they demonstrate impeccable coordination and commitment. Praise respectfully, directly and specifically in the second person and focus on how the person's action affected you as opposed to labelling who that person is.
Emotional mastery
- When you're emotionally charged, it's hard to do what you know is right.
- Dr. Benson - "any form of mental concentration that distracts the individual from his or her usual concerns and anxieties can produce relaxation."
- To manage your emotions:
  - Be aware and calm down to control strong negative emotions
  - Accept your emotions without judgment - you can't prevent an emotion but you can prevent impulsiveness
  - Regulate your impulses and recognize that your emotions come from your interpretation of some stimulus
    - "Happiness - we believe that something good has happened.
    - Sadness - we believe that something bad has happened.
    - Enthusiasm - we believe that something good may happen.
    - Fear - we believe that something bad may happen.
    - Gratitude - we believe that someone went out of his or her way to do something good for us.
    - Anger - we believe that someone has hurt us inappropriately.
    - Guilt - we believe we have done something inconsistent with our values (anger directed toward oneself)."
  - Share the story behind your emotion - "I feel A when B, because I think C. Does this make sense to you? (Listen in silence and acknowledge.) What I’d like is D, so I want to ask you E. Is that acceptable to you?"
    - A is an emotion (such as sorrow, fear, anger, or guilt)
    - B is a factual report or observation
    - C is an assessment or interpretation
    - D is a need or interest
    - E is a request
- We distort our own beliefs when we confuse our emotions as supporting evidence for our opinions. Example: “I feel betrayed by my boss” or “I feel that this project is not worthwhile” confuse emotions and interpretations. Instead of “I feel rejected,” “I feel angry because I did not receive any response to my suggestions.”
- "Forgiveness is not absolving bad behavior. Forgiveness doesn’t mean approving or condoning actions that fail to meet your standards. It doesn’t exclude demanding compensation or taking corrective action. You may even sever the relationship. You can forgive an employee who isn’t doing his job to your satisfaction and still fire him. Forgiveness allows you to do what you need to do without resentment. Forgiveness is not pretending that everything is all right when you feel it isn’t ... Forgiveness is the choice to let go of resentment."
- When you see others being hijacked by their emotions, accept the emotions without judgment and become curious. Stay relaxed and centered and show empathy. Recognize that the person is speaking their truth, which is valid for them.

Influencing culture allows you to get the greatest gains towards sustainable change. Culture develops from the behaviors of the leaders and what is rewarded and punished. Ask yourself, “What culture do we need in order to execute our strategy and fulfill our mission?”

Ineffective behaviors:

Unconditional blame - see yourself as an absolute victim of forces beyond your influence. When you blame, you give up your freedom and power.
Essential selfishness - focus on satisfying your own ego at the expense of others. "The blindness of the selfish individual is that her attachment to success is the ultimate source of her suffering.... For the selfish individual, work is just another place in which to get as much as possible while giving back the least possible. Her contributions are to be minimized and her compensations are to be maximized."
Ontological arrogance - the belief that your truth is the only truth. In a control environment, people are defensive, inconsistent, controlling, and manipulative. "In a duplicitous environment, people are damned if they try to obey the contradictory messages and damned if they try to expose the contradictions."
Narcissistic negotiation - attempt to prove your worth by beating up your opponent because you see success as a zero-sum game.
Negligent coordination - making promises you don't plan to or don't have the ability to keep, expecting others to read your mind and satisfy your unmet needs, being unclear of what you want and from whom, blaming others when you don't keep your promise
Emotional incompetence - you either explode on the other person or repress your emotions

Final thoughts from the book:

"As a leader, you are not just responsible for doing it, but for holding others accountable for doing it as well. I see that you behave with integrity, but I do not see you holding people accountable when they behave without integrity. When they betray the company’s values and you don’t do anything, you become their accomplice. A leader who does not confront broken commitments encourages polite complacency. He fosters a culture of niceness where nothing gets done and everything is excused."

"It is impossible to suffer a loss when you love your opponent ... It is possible to compete with a loved one, but it is not possible to regret his success—even if it is at the expense of yours."

"We judge it (a business) as having no soul if all its energies are devoted merely to keeping itself alive and growing ... We attribute soul to those entities that use some portion of their energy not only for their own sake, but to make contact with other beings and care for them."

"We are responsible for our agape (a commitment to the other's well-being) because agape is an act of will."

Ask yourself, “If this were the last five minutes of your life, is this the way you would want to spend them?”

Exercise to help you keep the end in mind and what you hope to accomplish: "Imagine the eulogies of a parent, a friend, a spouse or intimate partner, and a child. Finally, imagine that you are asked to prepare your own eulogy appreciating yourself for the things you are most proud of. Write down at least a paragraph for each quality. Remember, this is no time to be shy or to feel constrained by the way you have lived your life so far. Imagine that after reading this book, your life took off, and from this moment until the end of it, it became everything you wanted."

Learning changes us - "although nothing in the external world will have changed, you will have changed, and thus, everything will have changed ... learning is a double-edged sword. It opens new possibilities while it closes off old ones. Transformation is irreversible... When you cross the gate of knowledge, reality is not what it used to be."

"Treat other people with extraordinary respect."

The post Conscious Business by Fred Kofman appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

3 Ways to be a Smarter Risk Taker

Robert Chen — Mon, 22 Jul 2019 11:17:22 +0000

In conversations with Fortune 100 senior executives, a common theme that came up was the importance of taking risks. Each executive credited much of their success to a series of risks they took in their career. Their stories not only challenged my personal view on risk but gave me some practical tips to become a smarter risk-taker.

Risk is typically perceived as a fear that requires a certain courageous personality to overcome. We are often categorized by ourselves or others as being risk-averse or risk-seeking and lead our lives accordingly. The risk-averse person seems destined to lead a stable but perhaps unextraordinary life while those who are risk-seeking will either crash and burn or be wildly successful.

Unfortunately, many people live according to their own risk profile, not realizing that they may be missing out on wonderful opportunities. By not knowing how to take smarter risks, you're likely limiting your potential. But how do you take risks in a way that doesn't make it feel like you're gambling with your life?

First, recognize that everything you do has risk - from crossing the street to texting to putting on pants (one of my toddlers suffered a torque fracture when he fell putting on his pants - *sigh*). We label something as "risky" when it is above our personal risk threshold. If the activity falls below this threshold, we see it as normal. Much of the advice we've heard centers around bypassing your threshold, which is a dangerous thing to do. "Just do it" may sometimes work out but can also be catastrophic especially if the risk is high.

To help bring to life the tips you're about to learn, imagine you are standing at the edge of a steep canyon and leaping across to the other side is the risk you would like to take.

Depending on your fear of heights, your experience with leaping across canyons, and other relevant factors, you have a personal threshold for how risky you think this leap will be. You can increase this personal threshold if you have a compelling reason for why you want to get across to the other side. For example, if it was just part of your vacation hike, your risk threshold might be much lower than if you were being chased by a bear. In many cases, the risk threshold you have is dependent on factors outside of your control such as the specific situation, your personality, other people's actions, etc.

To be a smarter risk taker, consider these 3 practical actions to reduce the risk of the task at hand to below your risk threshold:

De-Risk the Actual Task

Whenever you can, look to remove risks to achieving your outcome. If your goal is to get across to the other side of the canyon, you will want to walk along the edges of the canyon and find the area where the edges are closest together. You may also consider the possibility of building a bridge as opposed to jumping over. The idea is to find different ways to remove the risk you're seeing.

For a work-related example, if you're about to give a presentation at a high-profile conference, can you control where you are on the agenda so you're not following the best speaker or going right after lunch? Can you make sure you get in a day or two before your presentation so you won't be stressed with travel issues? Perhaps you can get an attendee list so you're not surprised by any unexpected senior leaders walking into your presentation and potentially rattling you.

De-risking is usually the most intuitive of the three tips so hopefully, many of you are already doing this.

Build a Safety Net or Buffer

In the canyon leaping example, the leap will seem less risky to you if there is a safety net below you.

To build your buffer, first identify what's at risk. What are you actually going to lose if this doesn't pan out? In many cases, you may realize that there isn't really much at stake.

For example, if you’re looking to join a startup after a 15-year career at a Fortune 50 company, what will you lose if the startup fails? Perhaps you might lose financially and have to worry about paying your bills and supporting your family. Maybe it will hurt your professional trajectory causing you to fall behind your peer group. Maybe your ego will take a beating when everyone judges your decision as stupid and reminding you of their advice not to leave your job.

Once you understand what is at risk the next step is to figure out how to protect against the downside of that risk.

Using the same example, if you’re worried about your ability to pay your bills and take care of your family, create a plan to save more and reduce living expenses so you can go for 2+ years without income. If you don’t want to lower your professional trajectory, assess how this startup experience can boost your trajectory even if the startup fails. Perhaps you can build a wider professional network or gain skills that you could not get at your current job. Another way to build a safety net is to either persuade your current company to buy the startup or start a similar division within your company. Lastly, as for your ego getting hurt, you might want to invest in other areas of your life so it won't be the end of the world if work doesn't go well. Being a part of an accomplished sports team or music group or coming home to a fantastic family can help you be more resilient. If you're afraid of your ego getting bruised, keeping your venture a secret from others can also help.

Increase Your Competence

If leaping is what you need to do to get across the canyon, the more skill and training you have, the less risky the task will seem. When you build up experience and expertise in the exact task needed, it won't seem as risky to you as someone looking at the situation without your expertise. A great visual example is the tight rope photo for this article. For an experienced tight rope walker, the activity depicted may seem less risky than to our untrained eye.

In a professional context, if you're thinking of taking a role in a different country, it's hard to not see it as risky if you haven't done it before. If this is a goal of yours, you may be able to reduce your risk by taking on a three-month international project or to work on a cross-border team. These experiences will help you understand the nuances of working effectively across cultures. You may also want to speak with others who have made this leap to get a road map for making the transition. Sometimes having a guide is enough to reduce the risk to below your threshold (for example - climbing Mount Everest).

Taking smarter risks is not about mustering the courage to "just do it". It’s about actively managing your relationship to risk. You can de-risk the situation, create a buffer to limit your downside, or train to increase your competence.

You can apply these risk mitigation tips to all areas of your life - career, relationships, sports, academic research, etc. It's generally agreed that more risk leads to more reward. By using these tips to take risks comfortably, we hope it will lead to a more rewarding life for you.

What's a risk you want to take but is right now above your threshold? Which one of these tips can you use today to bring you closer to taking a smart risk and live a life without regrets?

Photo by Leio McLaren (@leiomclaren)

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3 Tips to Resist the Temptation of Bad Habits – The Influence of Now and Later

Robert Chen — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 12:32:39 +0000

When I was in grade school, I would stop by the corner store every day to buy a pack of Now and Later candy on my way to school. There were six pieces in the pack and after sharing with some close friends, I would still have three to enjoy throughout the day.

The Now and Laters tasted fantastic, lasted a long time, and helped to solidify friendships. I couldn't ask for a better deal. Fast forward 30 years and two root canals and an embarrassing amount of fillings later, I realize the short-term satisfaction was not worth it. The bigger issue is being blind to these consequences at the time of the decision. This means there is a good chance I'm doing something now that I'll probably regret later.

The present-day equivalent of Now and Laters for me is sleep. The project or activity I'm engaged in at night always seems more interesting than sleep so I stay up late. The next morning, feeling fatigued and unfocused, I would vow to get to bed early just to repeat the unhealthy cycle. This doesn't even account for the serious implications of a large sleep deficit.

In Dollars and Sense by Jeff Kreisler and Dan Ariely, they share research showing that "now" tempts us more than "later". Their insight is that people make decisions emotionally in the present moment and rationally in the future.

They show this phenomenon in the explanation for why people continue to text and drive. Three "now-focused" factors that cause this negative behavior are the:

Inability to delay gratification (Pleasure of engaging with friends - looks like we haven't come that far from the marshmallow experiment)
Uncertainty that the bad outcome will occur ("What are the chances? Tons of people text and drive.")
Overconfidence in the ability to avoid death ("I have my eye on the road and I'm not going that fast.")

The same three elements apply to most if not all temptations. I don't get enough sleep because:

"It's hard to say no to a good conversation or finishing a project." (unable to delay gratification)
"Bill Clinton only sleeps 3-4 hours and he was President." (uncertainty of bad outcome)
"With a few cups of coffee, I'll do just fine." (Overconfidence in own ability)

It's easy to find ourselves justifying our "undesired" behaviors as opposed to controlling them. Take a temptation you're struggling with and reflect on how these three factors come into play.

To resist temptation, shift the focus from "now" until "later" by leveraging these three practical tips:

Acknowledge your incompetency to resist temptations

When you grasp that you're more likely to lose when you come face to face with temptation, the natural course of action is to prevent the situation. In the driving and texting example, you might want to leave your phone in the glove compartment or somewhere out of reach. To help me resist staying up late, I try to opt out of drinks after dinner or avoid beginning a passion project after 10 pm.

Avoid decision-making when "under the influence"

We make poor decisions when we are impaired by strong emotions and desires, alcohol, fatigue, stress and distractions. To resist temptations, monitor your emotions and be vigilant if you're not well-rested, calm, and under control. When you're being emotionally hijacked in the "now", avoid making decisions or use pre-determined rules. In Nudge by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, they recommend creating such rules when you're unemotional and calm so when you are "under the influence", you can simply follow your rule without the internal debate. When it comes to getting more sleep, my rule is to head to the bedroom by 11 pm.

Magnify the "upcoming pain" now

Ask yourself, "What will happen if the negative outcome of my behavior is guaranteed?"

If you weren't able to avoid or stop the bad consequences of your actions, what repercussions would they have on your goals, relationships, health, finances, etc? You are the steward for your future self. Vividly envisioning your future pain will help temper the excitement of the present temptation.

When I applied this third tip to my challenge around sleep, I thought about how my lifespan might be shortened so I wouldn't be able to see my kids flourish as adults. I also considered how my performance at work could be so much better and how not sleeping enough is slowing down my progress. Just thinking about these negative outcomes again is already making me want to get to bed earlier.

It's not easy to resist temptations because of the way we're wired. At the same time, if we understand what drives our behaviors, we can use that knowledge to drive the results we want to achieve in life.

The post 3 Tips to Resist the Temptation of Bad Habits – The Influence of Now and Later appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell

Robert Chen — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 14:16:34 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth: Live Them and Reach Their Full Potential by John Maxwell

Published: September 2014
ISBN-10: 1599953676
EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (great read)

EP Main Takeaway: Growth should be intentional and aligned with your passion and purpose. If not, you run the risk of being busy without meaning. Be honest with yourself and take consistent action based on insights from self-reflection. Design your growth to match your goals and consistently have tension between where you are and where you want to be. Show humility and exude character in all of your interactions. Manage your environment to help you and be grateful for all the support by developing your talent to serve others.

Our notes:

Have a plan to become better. Don't just be busy because hard work doesn't guarantee success. Focus on growing not only on goals! It's hard to improve your circumstances if you're unwilling to improve yourself.

Growth gap traps

Assume you will automatically grow
- You must be intentional about your growth; stop waiting to become the person you want to be and start being him or her
Don't know how to
- It's time to learn the right lessons
"it's not the right time to begin" or must find the best way before you start
- There is a difference between deciding and doing: act immediately
- The longer you wait to do something, the more likely it won't happen
- Get moving first if you want to see more of the way
Afraid to make mistakes
- Growing is messy and you will probably look foolish
- Get over your fear of mistakes and failures - welcome your mistakes
Not inspired
- No matter how you feel, just do it
- Forget motivation - act yourself into feeling motivated
Others are better than I am
- Great men are willing to share their ideas - you can only learn if others are ahead of you
I thought it would be easier than this
- People take advantage of luck through preparation + opportunity + action

1. Law of Intentionality

Intentional personal growth

Think about "how far can you go?" NOT "how long will this take?" Make the most out of what you been given.
Do it now - say it 50 times day and night
Face your fears and have faith you will conquer them - fear of failure, trading security for unknown, other people's view of you, the risk of alienating friends
Change from accidental to intentional growth - insist on starting today and don't wait for growth to come; persevere and follow through; take risks
You must know yourself to grow yourself - start with truth; Explore yourself as you explore growth - focus on your passion

3 kinds of people

People who don't know what they would like to do - dabble and drift
People who know what they would like to do but don't do it - frustrated
People who know what they would like to do and do it - work in areas that move them closer to their purpose

2. Law of Awareness

The first step towards change is awareness, then acceptance

How to find your passion and purpose

Do you like what you're doing now? Examine why
What would you like to do?
- If you know your passion, you fulfill your potential; pay attention to what you love doing
Can you do what you would like to do?
- Make sure the desire you have matches your abilities.
Do you know the difference between what you want and what you're good at?
- They should match up
Do you know what drives you and gives you satisfaction?
- Make sure you are motivated by the work and not just the rewards of the work
- Waste as little of your life as possible - discover then develop your uniqueness
Do you know why you want to do what you want to do?
- Provides a clear vision and look at your heart
Do you know what to do so you can do what you want to do?
- Picture where you are and then where you want to be. Be conscious of your choices. You can't win if you do not begin.
- Get accountability - make your goals public and track your progress
- As you take action, you'll attract like-minded people
Do you know people who do what you would like to do?
- Find people who do what you do excellently - be purposeful, reflective and grateful
- Mentee: Be teachable, be prepared, set agenda by asking great questions, show what you have learned, and be accountable
- Mentor: Add value, give advice, share resources - people, game plan, passion, feedback, encouragement, choices
Should you do what you would like to do to them or with them
Will you pay the price to do what you want to do?
- Owe it to yourself to make your days here count - things worth doing seldom come easy
When can you start doing what you want to do?
- Why not now? Start. Nobody ever got ready by waiting
What will it be like if you get to do what you want to do?
- It will be more difficult. There will be expectations of you - things will also be better than you ever imagined

Streamlined version of questions

What would you like to do?
What talents and opportunities do you possess to support you?
What motivates you to want to do it?
What steps can you take now? Awareness, action, accountability
Whose advice can you get?
What are you willing to pay?
Where do you most need to grow?

3. Law of the Mirror

People don't reach their potential because of low self-esteem.

Ask yourself: Do you like what you see in the mirror?

Recognize your value and begin to add value to yourself. When you invest in yourself, you'll see more value in yourself (you are worth investing in). Don't live your lives according to what people expect of you. Be more concerned about what you think of yourself - you don't have to accept what people say you will be

Steps to build your self image:

Guard your self-talk: self-talk comes from our upbringing; why needlessly add to your problems with negative self-talk
Stop comparing yourself to others: you either become discouraged or proud; only compare yourself to you.
Move beyond your limiting beliefs: believe you will be great; if you limit what you will do, you limit what you can do
- Identify limiting belief
- Determine how it limits you
- Decide how you want to be
- Create turnaround statement that restates who you want to be
Add value to others: hard to feel bad about yourself if you do something good for someone else; also people will value you more
Do the right thing even though it is hard: be true to yourself and your values
Practice a small discipline daily in a specific area of your life: apply this in an area in your life that seems overwhelming
Celebrate small victories; "it's good that I did that, it's good for me"
Embrace a positive vision of your life
Practice the one-word strategy: select one word to best describe you - what you focus on expands
Take responsibility for your life
Know that you matter.

Actions to Take:

Make a list of your 100 best personal qualities: choose one word to best describe you
Track your positive and negative self-talk
Note different ways you add value to other people

4. Law of Reflection

Peter Drucker: follow effective action with quiet reflection to get even more effective action

Stop, PAUSE and allow the lesson to catch up with us
Always add value and exceed expectations
Reflection turns experience into insight - evaluate your experience
Pause with intention to enrich reflection and learning

When you take time to pause:

Investigate - all truths are easy to understand once you discover them
Incubate - Reflect on your experience of life and let the ideas that come up simmer in your mind
Illuminate - Focus on insights that are relevant to you
Illustrate - Flesh out key ideas: everyone is looking but not seeing; ask yourself good questions

Personal Awareness Questions

What is my biggest asset?
What is my biggest liability?
What is my highest high?
What is my lowest low?
What is my most worthwhile emotion?
What is my least worthwhile emotion?
What is my best habit?
What is my worst habit?
What is most fulfilling?
What do I prize most highly?

Ask yourself questions in the area you want to reflect on.

Personal growth questions

Do I practice the 15 laws of growth?
Which do I do best? Weakest?
Am I growing daily?
What am I doing to grow?
How am I growing?
What are the roadblocks?
Am I passing it forward?

You won't get far without a clear mission: What is your passion? What have you achieved? What are the shoulds that have followed you?

Have you created a place where you can reflect? Schedule time to pause and reflect

The wise man questions himself, the fool others - ask yourself tough questions

5. Law of Consistency

Motivation gets you going, discipline keeps you going.

How to be more consistent and disciplined

Know the what, how, where and when

Do you know what you need to improve?
- Develop yourself to be successful, when you expand, you open up possibilities
Do you know how you're supposed to improve?
- Match your motivation to your personality type
  - Phlegmatic: need to see the value of doing something
  - Choleric: make decisions quickly but will not participate if not in charge
  - Sanguine: life of every party - likes rewards
  - Melancholy: attention to detail, perfectionist - focus on details

A common mistake is attempting too much too soon.

Need to be patient. Impatience stems from unrealistic expectations - don't give up too soon.
Life goals are reached by annual goals, daily goals and habits - focus on today

In addition to How and What, it's important to know Why because it gives you staying power. Take the WHY Test:

Do you constantly procrastinate on important tasks?
Do you require coaxing to do small chores?
Do you only complete your duties to get by?
Do you talk negatively about your work?
Do efforts of friends to encourage you irritate you?
Do you start small projects and abandon them?
Do you avoid self-improvement opportunities?

Understand the relationship between motivation and discipline. Give yourself more and bigger whys because small steps compound. Be consistently productive: greats are inspired because they are working and not working because they are inspired. Develop the habits of success because your habits lead to your destiny.

Don't be goal conscious, be growth conscious. Keep growing beyond your goals - don't set goals that are too small. Develop a daily growth system that plays to your personality strengths.

6. Law of Environment

If you're always at the head of the class, you are in the wrong class! Change your environment and move to a larger pond. Change depends on your choices. Impossible to grow without changing. Change your attitude.

Six choices to be in a better environment**

Access your environment and why you want to change - change for the sake of change won't help you
- What songs and ideas lift and speak to me?
- What experiences lift me?
- What dreams inspire me?
- Who cares for and supports me?
Change yourself and your environment: growth will be faster if you change both. This accelerates chance for success. In a growth environment, people are ahead of me and growth is modeled and accepted
- How do you get a poker hot? Put it next to the fire. Spend time with great people, books, and tapes
Change who you spend your time with: people who you associate with are your reference group.
- Associate with expansive people further along in their growth journey than you - people who are positive, more successful, have integrity and constantly growing.
- Find accountability partner that desires your success and willing to help you
Challenge yourself in your new environment: need to be intentional to find those growth opportunities.
- Create deadlines and make your goals public
- Look for one major growth opportunity every week - schedule a learning lunch with your mentor(s)
- Questions to ask:
  - What are your strengths
  - What are you learning now?
  - What do I need right now?
  - Who have they met? What have they read? What have you done that has helped you?
  - What haven't I asked that I should have?
Focus on the moment: the happiest moment is this moment. Don't worry about past or future since you can't influence it directly.
Move forward despite criticism: don't wait, create the life you want. Whatever course you decide upon, someone will always tell you that you're wrong. Someone's opinion of you does not have to be your reality - make your own decisions.

Create a growth environment for others - growth should be encouraged, modeled and expected.

1. Apply the law of environment: Are the following true?

Others are ahead of me
I am continually challenged
The firm's focus is forward
The atmosphere is affirming
I'm often out of my comfort zone
I wake up excited
I understand failure is not the enemy
I see others are growing
People around me desire change
Positive growth is modeled and expected

2. Assess your personal growth needs:

Are you in the right soil to grow in?
Who do you know is better than you? Who is stretching you?

3. Set goals that challenge you and are beyond your current capabilities

7. Law of Design

To maximize growth, develop strategies.

Spend time reviewing your calendar and evaluate each entry - look at meetings, appointments, and other activities. Account for every waking hour in the previous years.

1. Life is very simple but keeping it that way is difficult - know your values and make key decisions based on those values to help you manage those decisions

Can it be received personally?
Can it be repeated easily?
Can it be transferred strategically?

2. Designing your life is more important than designing your career - customize your growth

3. Life is not a dress rehearsal: Most successful execs say they should have taken charge of their life earlier - better health, more time with family and personal development, more fun, better career planning, and give more back

4. Multiply everything by 2 - important things in life take longer and cost more. Plan to take double the time you expected - infuse realism to your optimism.

Systems allow people to best leverage time, money, and other resources. Create and use systems to be efficient - capture the best thoughts and ideas you've come across. Look at your calendar and highlight the main events that help you target what you want.

Developing effective systems:

Ask "what is the most valuable use of my time right now?" Use your response to shape the system you use. Identify when your prime productive time is.
If you say yes too easily, create a screening system and maintain your priorities
Effective systems include measurement. If you can't measure it, you can't understand it, you can't control it, you can't improve it. Measurement makes a difference
Effective systems include application: need to start you doing something. What are you going to do? Need both plan and action.
Effective systems employ organization - set your priorities and spend your time
Effective systems promote consistency - if you want to succeed in the long run, be disciplined to follow through. Consistency is usually not exciting but the results can be very exciting.

Seek out principles that stand the test of time and customize approaches to best fit you. Whatever good things you build will end up building you. Are you designing strategies for your life?

Refine systems that will:

Maximize your time
Paint the big picture and ensure your values and priorities are consistent.
Measure the outcomes
Be biased towards action
Organize you
Be repeatable, simple, and straightforward

8. Law of Pain

Good management of bad experiences leads to great growth. Every problem introduces a person to himself. I try to take life one day at a time but some days just attack me. The pain of competence, disappointment, conflict, change, bad health, hard decisions, financial loss, relationship losses, not being the best, traveling, responsibility

No one likes it when they are in the middle of a bad experience. If they handle it well, it becomes a nice war story.

How to turn your pain into gain

Choose a positive life stance: Life is not the way it is supposed to be, it is the way it is. You can decide how you cope with it - life is filled with good and bad.
Embrace and develop your creativity: Make the most out of bad experiences by finding opportunities and possibilities.
Learn from bad experiences: You never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more the chance of doing so (Kettering).
Make good changes after learning from bad experiences: Bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.
Take responsibility for your life: don't be a victim - be accountable for your life. No insight is valuable to you if you don't change your actions accordingly.

9. Law of the Ladder

Character growth determines the height of your personal success. Base business dealings on values and principles - use mastermind groups. Focus more on character than on competence.

Honesty is the characteristic that most enhances personal reputations - need to trust and be honest with yourself.

Character ladder

I will focus on being better on the inside than on the outside - what we do or neglect to do affects our lives. Before you can DO, you must BE.
I will follow the golden rule because people matter.
I will teach only what I believe because passion matters
I will value humility above all others because perspective matters. Everyone has weaknesses so admit to your weaknesses, be patient with other peoples weaknesses and be open to feedback. Be teachable and willing to serve others because it's not all about you. Be grateful because those who drink the water must remember those who dug the well.
I will strive to finish well because faithfulness matters - live to the highest standard continually.

Pay attention to your potential more than to your success - be who you should be, not only where you want to be.

Access where your focus has been:

How much did you spend on learning vs. material things?
How much time are you spending to serve others?

10. Law of the Rubberband

Need to keep band stretched from where you are to where you want to be. Life begins at the end of our comfort zone. God's gift to us is our potential, our gift to God is to develop it. Focus on building a legacy.

Remember that rubber bands are useful only when they are stretched.

People rarely want to stretch - most people only use a fraction of their ability. Don't settle for average in life (being top of the bottom is not an accomplishment).
Settling for the status quo leads to dissatisfaction - have the courage to go outside of your comfort zone. Everyone has a dream but few pursue it - measure yourself against yourself.
Stretching always requires change - "yesterday ended last night". Your history is not your destiny.
Stretching sets you apart from others - do the extra work and be excellent.
Everything that ceases to struggle rapidly deteriorates - strive to be better tomorrow than you are today. "The greatest enemy of tomorrow's success is today's success." (Drucker?)
Stretching gives you a shot at significance - "a possibility is a hint from God, we must follow it." Growth stops when you lose the tension from where you are and where you want to be.

Assess your stretch:

Where have you stopped stretching?
Continually reset intermediate range goals - make barely within reach

11. Law of Tradeoffs

Need to give up some things you value to grow up.

We all make tradeoffs in life: failures make bad tradeoffs, averages make few tradeoffs and successfuls make good tradeoffs. We don't always get what we want but we always get what we choose.

When faced with a tradeoff:

What are the pluses and minuses?
Will I go through this change or GROW through this change?

When you want something you've never had, you've got to make changes you've never done. Change is not easy but it can always be done - if we cannot change the situation, we can change ourselves.

Changing before you have to usually leads to a gain. Changing after you have to usually leads to a loss. **

Tradeoffs are not irreversible. Make a u-turn. You cannot always make a new start but you can make a new end.

The higher you climb the harder the tradeoffs. Don't use your success as an excuse to coast. The skills that got you here won't get you there.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. No matter what we choose, it will change us. Not everything is worth trading. Create an environment that will prevent bad tradeoffs - for example, your significant other should have veto rights over your schedule.

Good trades

Give up financial security today for potential tomorrow: value opportunity over security because the only job security is personal development.
Give up immediate gratification for personal growth: there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
Give up the fast life for the good life: live in the place you belong, with the people you like, doing what you want on purpose. Create capacity in your life by delegating all the things you're not the best at and work with people you like.
Give up security for significance: measure progress by significance. Make a difference, not just a living.
Give up addition for multiplication: what can I do WITH others as opposed to FOR others. Equip other people - explore and develop your leadership skills.

Remember that you can't do everything at once. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Move up and not down. Freedom at the top.

12. Law of Curiosity

Growth is stimulated by asking why. Curiosity opens options - "all meaningful and lasting change starts first in your imagination" - Einstein

How to cultivate curiosity

Believe you can be curious
Have a beginner's mindset: wonder why and ask questions, be open and vulnerable, have a great attitude and release the desire to look good
Make WHY your favorite word. Don't just give answers - explore and evaluate what you discover
Spend time with other curious people
Learn something new every day - experience something different - wake up with an attitude of openness, keep eyes and ears open, reflect and think about your new experience - apply what you learn and evaluate the highlights
Partake in the fruit of failure - people who grow and develop see failure as a process. See failure as a friend to be embraced.
Stop looking for the right answer - always more than one solution to the problem. If it ain't broke, how can we make it better or when is it likely to break? Challenge the rules and the status quo process
Get over yourself - be like children and just ask. Don't be afraid to look foolish. It is better to look uninformed than to be uninformed - be solution oriented
Be an abundant thinker - "how can I?" As opposed to "can I? "
Enjoy your life - desire to know why

Assess your curiosity:

Where do you focus most of your time and energy? Always keep a beginners mind no matter how expert you get.
Make a list of the people you spend the most time with each week - are they curious and like to learn new things?
Are you afraid to fail or do you take yourself too seriously? Do something that is completely out of your comfort zone

13. Law of Modeling

Read and summarize action points of books that interest you - take action on what you learn as fast as possible.

Need to find models of people who are ahead of you to follow - learn from books and connect with people. Be selective when choosing a mentor.

Criteria for mentors

A good mentor is a worthy example: we become like the people we follow - look at both their personal and professional lives.
A good mentor is available - need time to ask questions. Don't shoot too high too soon because you need to find people available, experienced and willing.
A good mentor has proven experience: "to know the road ahead, ask those coming back" - learn from more experienced people.
A good mentor possesses wisdom and knows where to tap. Never confuse the giftedness of the person with the person.
A good mentor provides friendship and support: a mentor should care for the other person. Great things happen when we stop seeing ourselves as God's gift to others and others as God's gift to us. Cultivate a desire to learn something from every person you meet
A good mentor is a coach that makes a difference in people's lives. They help to carry a value person from where they are to where they want to be.

Five common characteristics of fantastic coaches

Cares for the other person
Observes behavior, attitude, and performance
Aligns coachees with their strengths for peak performance
Communicates and gives feedback about performance
Helps them to improve life and performance

Nobody is an entire orchestra, everyone is a musician. Take away a musician and the orchestra doesn't work.

Working with a mentor

Come prepared with 3-5 thoughtful questions and apply the answers.
Set another meeting and repeat
Find mentors in different areas of your life: make a list of the strengths you want to improve and weaknesses where you need guidance

14. Law of Expansion

Potential within us is limitless - we usually create our own limits.

How to increase your thinking capacity**

1. Stop thinking MORE work and start thinking WHAT works. Choose the better strategy - hardwork is not always the answer.

Questions to figure out what works:

What am I required to do?
What gives greatest return?

2. Replace "can I?" with "how can I?" Give yourself a chance to overcome - what would you attempt if you knew you couldn't fail? Test your limits

3. Stop thinking one door and start thinking many doors. Look for multiple answers. People need to act on their dream and they formulate the details NOT waiting for the secret formula to their dreams. Give yourself options - if you can change your thinking, you can change your life

4. Stop doing what you were doing before and do something new. A master doesn't become a master overnight - apprentice, journeyman, master. Should I enjoy my life or expand it?

5. Stop doing what is expected and do more of what is not expected - help more, do more, give more - strive

6. Stop doing important things occasionally and start doing important things daily. Make your life a masterpiece. Thoreau: advance confidently in dreams - do the right thing always. "Thank you I notice" notes - make progress until the day you die

7. Believe that You can do it

Review your effectiveness:

What takes you a long time?
What changes do you need to make?

Plan a system to do what is important daily

Choose and display right attitudes
Determine and Act on important priorities
Know and follow healthy guidelines
Communicate and care for family
Practice and develop good thinking
Make key proper commitments
Earn and properly manage finances
Deepen and live out faith
Initiate and invest in solid relationships
Plan for and model generosity
Embrace and practice good values
Seek and experience improvements

15. Law of Contribution

Growing yourself enables you to grow others. Help others because we are all one.

What good should I do today - what good did I do today? Model the right behavior for others - be a mentor for others. Be a river, not a reservoir. Give as your receive - abundance mindset.

Cultivate an attitude of contribution

Be grateful - no one succeeds alone. There is no success without sacrifice. If we do succeed, then someone before us sacrificed for them.
Put people first - tender with young, compassionate with aging, sympathetic with striving, tolerant of weak and strong.
Don't let stuff own you - haves, have-nots, have not paid for what they haves - owning things doesn't bring satisfaction. There is a time to acquire and a time to give it away. Give away valuable things to fight greed.
Don't let people own you - always give more than you receive and don't keep score. Do this for everyone including your employer.
Define success as sowing, not reaping.
Focus on self-development NOT self-fulfillment - focus on how something helps you to serve others. Your talent is your responsibility.
Keep growing to keep giving - play to win as opposed to playing not to lose. The greatest gift you can give to others is your own personal development - your life belongs to the community.

Put people first in your life - where are they on your list of goals?

The post The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Mindset by Carol Dweck

Robert Chen — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 14:02:15 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

Published: December 2007
ISBN-10: 0345472322
EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: Adopt a growth mindset NOT a fixed mindset. See yourself as a work in progress, not a finished product. Failure doesn't define you - your skills can be developed so focus on getting better by doing ever more challenging work. Stop trying to prove you're great or protect your intelligence by taking on easy tasks or not trying. Praise and criticize effort, not traits, brains or talent.

Our notes:

People may have different starting points but experience, training, and personal effort is what takes them the rest of the way; "not always the people who start out the smartest that end up the smartest" (Binet)

Your mindset matters: adopt growth mindset as opposed to fixed mindset

Stop trying to prove your greatness and focus on getting better, those with fixed mindset avoid being measured while the growth mindset focused on what to do differently in the next situation;
When reviewing your skills, do you see fixed ability that needs to be proven or changeable ability that can be developed

Howard Gardner - "exceptional people have a special talent for identifying their own strengths and weaknesses"

No matter what kind of person you are, you can change substantially and you can change your mindset

Challenge yourself by playing against people better than you; really explore your limits - don't go through life doing what is easy; get the thrill from what's hard

Definition of smart: learning something over time (confronting a challenge and making progress) as opposed to immediate perfection; stop trying to prove you're special or superior to others; recognize your struggle and honor your work**

Potential is the ability to develop skills: one test CANNOT measure you forever

Failure doesn't define you; those with a fixed mindset tend to shirk, cheat, blame when they fail and look to compare with those worst off; those with a growth mindset will work harder*

Fixed mindset thinks effort is for people with deficiencies; hard to say "I gave it my all but it wasn't good enough"; people don't try because they don't think they need to if they have talent; Not trying also removes excuses when you try and fail

People with fixed mindsets seek validation for being smart or that they are better than others*

Strive to be able to say, "I gave my all for the things I valued"

Growth Mindset Strategies:

When you want to give up because something is hard, keep going and meet the challenge; Be mentally tough to stay focused when things aren't going your way; champions stretch beyond ordinary ability when they need to
Remember that you're not perfect, get constructive feedback
When you're feeling down, work harder
Do something you're not good at; Focus on the value of your actions and not the outcomes - take actions that stretch you
Think of your heroes, note the work they put in to achieve what they have achieved

Working harder makes you smarter; study to learn, not just to ace tests; take charge of the process for being awesome ***

What anyone in the world can learn, anybody else can learn given the right conditions

Praise effort - not ability; burden of talent kills enjoyment;

Avoid labeling - Negative labels harm achievement because people are afraid of deserving it. Positive labels hurt because people are afraid of losing it.

When people beat you, consider that they used better strategies, taught themselves more, practiced harder and worked their way through obstacles

Gladwell - people praise natural endowment over earned ability; that's why people think it's effortless for successful people (don't fall into this trap)

Growth mindset: work in progress

Success = learning and improving, not winning
Setbacks = wake up calls; motivating and informative
Takes charge of processes that bring and maintain success

Fixed mindset: finished product

Success = proving you're superior
Failure = labeled as loser
Doesn't take responsibility for process: blames others

Don't assume you're bad at something - work hard and you can overcome

Great leaders:

Can look failures in the face, even their own, and maintain faith that they would succeed at the end
Give praise for initiative, seeing a difficult task through, struggling and learning something new, acting in criticism

Warning sign of someone with a fixed mindset:

They need to prove their superiority!! Or blame others **;
They look to validate themselves even if it means putting others down

When leaders have a fixed mindset, everyone adopts it because do they are being judged in that way

In relationships:

After a breakup, fixed mindset people go for revenge to discredit the other person; growth mindset person sees the experience as a learning opportunity

When it comes to relationships, see you, your partner and the relationship all having the ability to grow

mind reading, agreeing on everything is fixed mindset thinking
partners have the potential for change but it doesn't mean they will change
encourage each other's development

Who can you share your successes with? These are your real growth mindset friends

To your children, send this message:

Praise effort, not intelligence or talent - "You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."
- Be careful how you talk about others and about praising speed and perfection
- Innate talent is not a goal, developing skills and knowledge is
Don't make life a series of tests, remove judgment ***, teach instead
Teach them to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort and keep on learning **
When child fails, tell them why they didn't deserve to win; feedback teaches how to fix something, it doesn't label
Next time in a position to discipline, look at the msg you are sending:
- "I will judge and punish you" or "I will help you think and learn."
- Show kids you love them even if they don't go for your aspirations for them; resist the urge to make children carbon copies of yourself

Great teachers believe in the growth of the intellect and they are fascinated with the process of learning

Teach students to love learning; challenge and nurture them
Continue to learn - apply yourself a little each day to become better
Demand full preparation and full effort from your students
Remember you top priorities for a teacher: concern, compassion and consideration

"Success is not coming to you, you must come to it."

Beware of success - it can knock you into the fixed mindset

When deciding to take action (need to do, want to learn, problem to solve), don't vow - make a concrete and vivid plan.

What can I learn from this?
Ask: What are the opportunities for learning and growth today? For myself, for people around me?
When, where and how will I learn?

Change needs to be supported or they go away; you're always vulnerable to your old habits

Move away from judge and be judged mindset to learn and help learn

Here is a good visual summary from Carol Dweck's Mindset website:

The post Mindset by Carol Dweck appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Outgrowing Things (or The Real Reason Your Relationship is Falling Apart)

Robert Chen — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 07:47:04 +0000

When you reflect on the year past, it's easy to focus on your accomplishments and what happened. What might be interesting to think about are the activities you stopped doing and what didn't happen.

This past year, I no longer:

Watch the Oscars, the NBA or go to movies
Play basketball
Spend time with certain friends and acquaintances
Go to casinos or play cards

At first it was puzzling to me why I've suddenly lost interest in activities that used to engage me for hours until I began observing my young son.

I see that day by day, he is growing. And with that growth, he outgrows his clothes, the food he eats and even certain behaviors.

This is normal, expected and makes complete sense.

If you continue to grow, you'll continue to outgrow things.

However, as we get older and especially after we've been working for a while, growing stops being the norm. We fall into a routine and do the same activities over and over again. We watch the same type of shows. See the same group of friends.

Growth stops.

Think back to your past year. How much of it was similar to the year before?

If everything around you remains constant, it is a clear sign that you're not growing. And in the words of American journalist, Gail Sheehy,

"If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

Now, we all grow in different ways. Just because I outgrew basketball doesn't mean basketball is a bad thing. It just means that for me and in the direction I'm growing, basketball just don't fit any more. It's like size 3 shoes, middle school and partying until 6am. There is nothing wrong with these things, I just outgrew them.

Growth, if you think back to your adolescent years, is not always easy or fun. Unfortunately, this still holds true even in adulthood.

When I hear everyone talk about the Oscars or the big game, I feel like I missed out. When I see people playing basketball in the park, I want to jump in. In these moments of guilt, I find it helpful to remember my reasons for stopping these activities and the exciting things that have filled its place (like my son).

One of the hardest things to accept is that if you continue to grow, you will outgrow people close to you - your friends, your family maybe even your spouse.

The only way for you to authentically stay close to these people is to:

Shrink when you are with them,
Help them grow with you or
Fully accept who they are and understand their influence on you.

By shrinking, I refer to behaving in a way that you no longer find resourceful. Unfortunately, as you get older, you'll find fewer people who continue to grow and you'll find that you are shrinking more often to fit in. The danger of situationally shrinking is that it will stunt your own growth especially if you need to do it often. Find ways to balance this and refuel your own energy by seeking out and spending time with people who value growth.

Another way to maintain your relationships while still growing is to proactively help those around you to grow. You can do this at work or at home. The drawback is change only happens when the other person wants to change not when you want them to change. If they're not open to growing, they are entitled to that decision. Don't let your good intentions fall short and definitely resist becoming a snob.

A third way to stay with the great people you love even if you're growing at various rates is to fully accept them for who they are while keeping in mind the consequences of growing at different rates.

When you outgrow someone else, your interests begin to differ and your individual outlook and philosophy on life and views on how to live it begins to change. Since life strategies influence behavior, you may find that you'll gravitate towards different and sometimes opposing activities. Most of your fringe or weak relationships end here because you and the other person won't be willing to put in the effort to keep the relationship.

In your stronger relationships, compromise tends to happen. You may shrink or the other person may grow or both. Typically, if the compromise is one-sided for too long, that could strain and eventually end the relationship. Now if both sides stop to grow, the relationship might stay intact but other areas in your life might begin to suffer. No one said life would be easy.

Look at your life - have you been growing, shrinking or staying the same?

If you're growing but feeling guilty because you're leaving things you once treasured behind, don't feel bad about it. It's part of living a fulfilled life and a natural consequence of growth.

If you're not growing, what are you going to do about it?

Photo by Steven Depolo

The post Outgrowing Things (or The Real Reason Your Relationship is Falling Apart) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

When Just Trying to Help Fails

Robert Chen — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 11:36:58 +0000

"I'm just trying to help."

How often have you said or thought these words?

If you're a loving parent, good friend or caring colleague, probably one too many times. It's a plea you usually make when your good intentions fall short and it reflects both frustration and surprise.

So why does this happen? Why are you met with hostility, instead of thanks, when you offer helpful advice or take action to help someone else?

To be honest, the blame lies with your good-intentioned approach.

I know that sounds harsh but hear me out.

You give advice or take action to help because you are convinced that the other person will benefit. More likely than not, the other person's experience reminds you of your own and you see in hindsight what they fail to see on the horizon. In the spirit of being helpful, you want to prevent them from making the same mistakes you've made and give them the shortcut to save them the pain and trouble you went through.

You have a strong desire to share this shortcut because:

you understand that some mistakes leave irreparable damage and want to prevent that.
in retrospect, you wish someone share this with you so you could be further along than you are now.
the other person can easily avoid the mistake if he or she takes your advice.

These reasons create a sense of urgency that pushes you to share your insights in the most direct way possible and this turns people off. When you want to get your point across quickly and you couple that with the notion that you know better, you'll tend to TELL other people what to do (think of how parents talk to their children or how policemen talk to just about anyone).

Unfortunately, most people hate being told what to do (that's why the police have such low popularity ratings). It doesn't matter if they can rationally understand the value of your advice - they will still actively fight against it. Think of your own experiences - how do you feel when someone tells you what to do even when it's good for you? How do you usually react?

So what can you do if you still want to help?

One simple change in thinking that worked for me can be summed up in these six words:

Be the guide, not the savior.

So, how do you make this shift?

Seek to understand

Saviors believe they already have the problem all figured out and they are all too ready to share their solution. They're not interested in learning more about the other person's situation because in their minds, it's unnecessary. They've seen it all and they know exactly what needs to be done. We adopt this savior mindset more often than we realize. If you've ever advised anyone to stop a bad habit like smoking or unhealthy eating, you've probably done so from a savior's point of view. As you may know firsthand, this approach is not very effective.

Instead, adopt the mindset of being a helpful guide. To be a great guide, it's important to understand the other person. Everyone is different and what motivates you is probably not what motivates other people. Take time to ask questions to find out what is really important for the other person. Then leverage that information to make a real impact.

Imagine you're on a tour and the tour guide takes you to the same sites they take everyone else and give you the same narrative. Some of it may be interesting but you'll most likely forget most it by the time you get home. Now imagine instead you were on the same tour but this time, the tour guide takes his or her time to get to know your interests and modifies the tour to align with those interests. How much more will you remember both the tour guide and the tour guide's message? That's the difference between being mediocre and being great.

Takeaway: Before sharing what you have to say, take time to learn more about the other person's situation and motivation.

Don't advise - share

As mentioned earlier, when we feel that we know what other people need, we feel the urge to tell them what to do. We adopt this savior mentality because we think it's helpful. Why shouldn't we be direct if we have more experience and already know what to do?

This is a fair point and in some situations, the direct approach does work. At the same time, you're still reading this article because more often than not, the direct approach is ineffective.

Something I've found to be effective in reaching the other person is to stop giving advice. Instead of offering my insights right away, I offer to walk the other person through my journey that has led to the insights I want to impart. I've found that most people are open when listening to others share their experience. Their guard comes down because they're not being told what to do and they have the freedom to decide whether your lesson learned applies to them. What's great is if they do decide it's valuable, they're more invested in changing because they've come to that conclusion on their own.

Takeaway: Resist the urge to tell people what to think or do. Share with them relevant and helpful information and allow them to draw their own conclusions.

Reinforce freedom of choice

People resist when they feel forced to do something. When I used to come up against resistance, I saw it as a challenge and would push even harder, employing more rationale and busting every excuse. Although I was able to get some people to acquiesce, it didn't drive people to change. I demonstrated classic savior thinking - "I'm doing what's good for you because you're doomed if you don't take my advice."

This type of thinking is detrimental because the message you're sending to the other person is that they need you to solve their problem. This is not true - they don't need you no matter how helpful you or your advice may be. As hard as it is to believe, the world keeps turning whether or not we're involved.

One powerful and counterintuitive action that moves people to change is to frequently remind them that the choice is theirs to make. Guides don't force people. They provide pertinent information that will allow the other person to make an informed decision. They present the available options along with the benefits and consequences of each option and then allow the other person to choose which option to take. By letting go and empowering others to solve their own problems, you're more likely to get them to do so.

It helps to assume that everyone is adopting the best strategy they can with what they know. If you hold this to be true, then by expanding their knowledge, you can help them make better decisions and come up with better strategies.

Takeaway: Before, during and after sharing your insights, look to reinforce the other person's autonomy. Remind them that the choice was, is and always will be theirs to make.

In your interactions with other people, especially if you're looking to be helpful and give advice, think about positioning yourself as a guide by:

asking questions to better understand the other person's situation
sharing relevant information and allowing the other person to draw their own conclusions
frequently reinforcing the other person's autonomy throughout the process

Why do you think your good intentions fall short?

What strategies have you found to be effective in getting through to people?

If you think this article might be helpful to a friend, parent or colleague, feel free to share it with them. No pressure, the choice is yours.

Photo by Mindaugus Dynas

The post When Just Trying to Help Fails appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How to Give Yourself Feedback

Robert Chen — Sun, 24 Nov 2013 23:29:55 +0000

For many of us, we strive to be better today than we were yesterday.

One of the best ways to achieve that is to get quality feedback. When it comes to feedback, we tend to ask other people because we fear our blind spots and propensity for self-delusion. Unfortunately, it's not always convenient or helpful to do that. It can be uncomfortable and depending on the person, highly unproductive.

Here are a few common thoughts that may cross your mind when you ask someone else to judge you:

How do I know if they are telling me the truth?
Are they credible enough to give me feedback?
What if they are misinterpreting my actions?
Is there a hidden agenda for the feedback they are giving me?
What if they are just jealous?
What if I don't want to change?

One way to reap the benefits of feedback without all of this hassle is to give feedback to yourself. You can do it at any time and it helps to heighten self-awareness. Also, you're more inclined to buy into any changes you want to make.

So how do you give yourself feedback?

You observe others and yourself and analyze what you see.

Here are a few effective ways that I've found helpful from Marshall Goldsmith's popular book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There:

Pay attention to other people's reaction to you

Instead of asking people to give you feedback directly, pay close attention to what they're saying and how they act around you.

One great way to collect feedback about yourself is to jot down every casual comment others make about you. Once you have a long list of remarks, assess whether each remark is positive or negative. This will give you a sense of people's general impression about you. The goal is to increase your ratio of positive to negative remarks.

Once you've collected enough of what people are saying about you, start observing how they react around you. It becomes easier to do this if you tune out what they are saying and hone in on their body language. They key is to note any differences in how to react to you versus how they react to others in general. Do they smile when they talk to you or are you usually met with rolling eyes? Actions speak louder than words but only if you're paying attention.

Try this method both at home and in the office. It works especially well during group meetings where people are not aware that you are observing them. You'll be surprised how much you'll learn just by arriving early at a meeting and observing where people sit, who they talk to and their physical manner during these interactions.

Monitor what you say and do

What you say and do is very telling of who you are. If you want to get your perspective about yourself, start by observing your words.

What are you saying to other people? What is the ratio of self-aggrandizing remarks to self-deprecating remarks? What are you really saying about yourself when you make them?

If you're like most people, you compensate - what you brag about is usually what you're weakest at and what you're humble about, usually reveals your strengths. By being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can decide on how you will improve those areas. You can also work on becoming less self-conscious about both.

After you consider what your speech reveals about you, take a look at your actions. How do you act around your boss, co-workers, friends, family, relatives and strangers? What differences do you see when it comes to different groups and certain individuals? Usually, your flaws at work will show themselves at home and vice versa.

Pick one thing you know you can improve

Whether you're observing yourself or others, take time to analyze what you see. During your analysis, be careful not to generalize behaviors. One person may act friendly towards you but it doesn't mean they like you if they act even friendlier to everyone else.

Also, as you pore over this fresh set of insights about yourself, compare it to your own self-image. Would the person you aspire to be talk and act in such a way? If not, what do you need to change?

When it comes to changing your life and sustaining that change, remember two things:

People change ONLY if they believe it'll be helpful to them.
The most productive way to do anything is to tackle one thing at a time.

So as you start to draw conclusions and find a few things to work on, I recommend that you pick ONE specific thing to improve. Once you decide what you want to work on, spend time to write one benefit to you and one benefit to the world when you successfully make this change.

For those who would like help pulling it all together, here is a 6-week regimen that you can follow:

Week 1 - Make a list of what people are saying about you and categorize them as either positive or negative. Note anything that comes up often.
Week 2 - Pay special focus to other people's body language towards you. Watch for any differences in their behavior depending on what you do and say. Also, contrast it with their manner towards other people.
Week 3 - Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments.
Week 4 - Look closely at how you treat other people. Find trends in your behavior and think about what those patterns say about you as a person.
Week 5 (BONUS) - Listen to what you tell yourself. When you do well, what do you say? When you fail, what comments do you hear internally? You probably hold yourself back more than you know.
Week 6 - Review all the information you've gathered about yourself from the last five weeks. Identify three aspects of yourself that you want to change. From those three, choose one that will have the most impact on your life and create a plan to make that change.

Giving yourself feedback might feel strange at first but armed with some concrete observations, it is a powerful technique for personal mastery. Good luck!

If you know someone who might benefit from this article, please share it with them. Also, if you've learned something helpful about yourself through this technique and would like to share it, please leave a comment below.

Photo by Victor Bezrukov

The post How to Give Yourself Feedback appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself

Robert Chen — Sat, 13 Jul 2013 17:29:02 +0000

You probably think your life could be better.

It's not that it's bad. It's just not what you'll call "awesome".

If you want to confirm this, answer this question:

What have you been up to?

If your answer is:

Not much
Same old
Eh...

or any other variation, then you may want to jumpstart your life.

A great way to do that is by upgrading your identity.

Your identity is who you believe yourself to be and is made up of your thoughts, your actions, your habits and your outer appearance. People often make the mistake of believing that their identity is pre-determined and cannot be changed. They don't realize that their current identity exists only because they've allowed it to and that they have the power to change their identity at any time. To make a lasting change in your life, redefine your identity.

You will always be you. There is no law that says you need to be the same you for the rest of your life. The whole point of personal growth and mastery is to be a BETTER you every day.

So how do you change your identity for the better and make it stick?

Define in Detail a Better Identity

Think about the identity you want to step into. What are the inner qualities and outer appearances that make up this identity?

A good place to start is to look closely at the people you admire and isolate the qualities that you admire about them. You can get to know many great people from their biographies or interviews. You can even make it up because you're not trying to be someone else. You're finding strong qualities to build a better identity than the one you have now. To make this work, you need to get specific. Ask yourself questions like:

What is their demeanor and personality?
How would they carry themselves in public and in private?
What is their view on handling disputes?
What clothes would they wear?
How would they treat waiters, their boss or the President of the US?
What good habits would they have?

Once you have a clearer picture for how this new identity thinks, looks and acts, organize this information and create a profile for this "new" you. Hone in on three key characteristics that define this new identity and highlight them in your profile.

Step Into Your New Identity

To take on this new identity, you'll need to do three things:

1. Believe that this better identity IS you

2. Think like this better identity

3. Act and look like this better identity

To mentally prepare, visualize yourself adopting the thought processes and mannerisms of this new identity. Rehearse in your mind typical scenarios you face and how you would act with this new set of qualities. Notice the differences between how you would have handle the situation before and how you would handle it now.

Once you've practiced it mentally a few times, do it in real life. If you feel like you're being fake, it's because you don't believe that this new identity is you. Many of us allow other people to give us our identities - parents, teachers, friends, media, etc. It's time to take back that power.

Give yourself permission to define who you are.

Your identity is who YOU want it to be and not who others want you to be.

For example, you decide that your new identity is confident, happy and generous. To be this new you, you will assert yourself at work, stand with a strong posture, smile more often and donate your time and money to charity. It doesn't matter if you didn't do any of this before, start now.

Make Your New Identity Stick

This is probably the most challenging step.

To make your new identity stick, other people must acknowledge it. This is tough because those around you know you as you and it's common to believe that people don't fundamentally change. Think about your own experience with people you knew when you were younger who have changed dramatically. Weren't you a bit skeptical too?

It's hard enough for you to adapt to your new mindset and behaviors. It becomes even tougher when others around you unknowingly sabotage your efforts by treating you like you haven't changed or talk to others about the "old" you.

The easy fix for this is to move to a place where no one knows you. By doing this you don't need to worry about breaking down other people's old image of you, or having them misinterpret your new actions with their perceptions of the old you. You can just adopt your new appearances and actions and others will accept you for who you have decided to be.

When you're working so hard to improve yourself and other people question what you're doing or worst yet, tell you that you're being inauthentic, it is frustrating. Unfortunately, it's always people closest to you who are most skeptical. They know you so well that they're not willing to give up the old you. They even become suspicious of the new you.

According to the bible, Jesus faced a similar issue. He was known to be a great man during his time but people in his hometown only knew him as a carpenter's son and would not acknowledge his greatness. He even said, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family" (Mark 6:4). This didn't stop him from being great and it shouldn't stop you.

If moving away is not an option for you, change your environment in some way. You can find new friends, change the amount of time you spend with your old friends and family or switch jobs. This allows you to get comfortable with your new identity.

Of course, you probably like your friends and leaving your family is not an option, so what should you do then?

Tell those close to you what you're trying to do. You can even show them this article to help them understand. They can support you if they want but at the minimum they should not sabotage you. If they are not supportive, it is okay. You don't need other people to acknowledge it first for you to change. It just makes it easier. If you're consistent with your new identity, people will begin to accept your new identity and change their attitude and beliefs towards you.

I've had the fortune of reinventing myself several times and it's always been easier when I was in new surroundings. Now that I'm back in my hometown, I still have people from my childhood who are skeptical about who I've become. All I can do is remain consistent with the identity I've decided to keep and to live my best life.

If you're not completely content with where you are in life, consider reinventing yourself. Take time now and figure out specifically who you want to be and take on the thoughts, feelings and actions of the new you. If you can find a way to change your environment (e.g. getting a new job, going away for college, moving to another city or country), even better.

What has been your experience with upgrading your identity and what strategies do you use?

Has changing environments ever accelerate your growth?

The post How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

change Archives | Embrace Possibility

The Unintended Consequences of Overprotection: When Helping Hurts

1. Protecting the Body Can Weaken It

2. Overhelping Others Steals Their Growth

3. Playing It Safe at Work Limits Your Growth

How This Applies to You

Conscious Business by Fred Kofman

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values

Our notes:

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values - Fred Kofman

Unconditional responsibility

Essential integrity

Ontological humility

Authentic communication

Constructive negotiation

Impeccable coordination

Emotional mastery

3 Ways to be a Smarter Risk Taker

De-Risk the Actual Task

Build a Safety Net or Buffer

Increase Your Competence

3 Tips to Resist the Temptation of Bad Habits – The Influence of Now and Later

Acknowledge your incompetency to resist temptations

Avoid decision-making when "under the influence"

Magnify the "upcoming pain" now

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth: Live Them and Reach Their Full Potential by John Maxwell

Our notes:

1. Law of Intentionality

2. Law of Awareness

3. Law of the Mirror

4. Law of Reflection

5. Law of Consistency

6. Law of Environment

7. Law of Design

8. Law of Pain

9. Law of the Ladder

10. Law of the Rubberband

11. Law of Tradeoffs

12. Law of Curiosity

13. Law of Modeling

14. Law of Expansion

15. Law of Contribution

Mindset by Carol Dweck

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

Our notes:

Outgrowing Things (or The Real Reason Your Relationship is Falling Apart)

When Just Trying to Help Fails

Seek to understand

Don't advise - share

Reinforce freedom of choice

How to Give Yourself Feedback

Pay attention to other people's reaction to you

Monitor what you say and do

Pick one thing you know you can improve

How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself

Define in Detail a Better Identity

Step Into Your New Identity

Make Your New Identity Stick