When I first started drafting materials for Vana Lab — the website copy, the program descriptions, the outreach emails — I shared them constantly with people I trusted. I’d tell them, “I’d love your feedback.”

And they gave great feedback.
Smart, thoughtful, genuinely helpful.

But if I’m honest, part of me wasn’t just listening for improvement.
I was listening for approval.

I wanted the reassuring lines:

• “This looks great.”
• “You’re on the right track.”
• “You’re onto something special.”

What I was really seeking was permission to continue. And in a subtle way, I was also outsourcing accountability: If this doesn’t work, look at all the people who thought it would. It felt safer that way and it tricked me into thinking I needed someone else’s blessing before I could proceed.

Here’s the insight I’m taking with me into the new year:

Take the feedback — and then make your own decision.
Feedback is data.
Validation is optional.
Choice is always yours.

And even better:

You don’t always need validation.
But you always benefit from feedback.

Validation offers momentary comfort.
Feedback creates long-term improvement.

Understanding that difference made the whole process of building Vana Lab lighter and far less emotionally tangled. Instead of being stalled mulling feedback and debating whether I should move forward or not, I could take action to move forward.

Why We Keep Seeking Validation We Don’t Need

We all seek validation — not because we’re weak, but because reassurance feels good. It calms uncertainty. It tells us we’re “okay.”

But validation is comfort, not guidance.

Validation says: “You’re fine.”
Feedback says: “Here’s how this can be stronger.”

One soothes.
One sharpens.

When we rely on validation to make decisions, we end up:

• moving slower
• doubting our instincts
• taking neutral feedback personally
• waiting for permission no one can actually give us
• outsourcing decisions that ultimately belong to us

Unnecessary validation doesn’t make you safer.
It makes you more fragile.

Feedback helps the work improve.
Validation helps you feel better for a moment.

Only one of those leads to growth.

Six Ways to Trust Yourself More (and Depend on Validation Less)

Here are practical steps I found helpful:

1. Before seeking input, ask: “Do I want reassurance or improvement?”

Most of us never pause to identify which one we’re seeking.

If you want reassurance, say so.
If you want improvement, expect honesty.

Clarity protects your emotions.

2. Treat feedback as data, not direction

When you receive feedback, respond with:
“Thank you — let me sit with that.”

It stops defensiveness while allowing you time to decide what you want to do with the feedback.

3. Build a simple self-validation habit

If you validate yourself even a little, you stop hunting for it everywhere else.

Each evening, ask:

• What went well today?

• What effort am I proud of?

• What did I learn?

Internal validation reduces the desperation for external approval.

4. Separate the work from your identity

“This needs improvement” does not mean “You’re not good enough.”

Feedback targets the work, not your worth.

5. Do small “discomfort reps”

Gradually increase your tolerance for feedback without validation:

• send a draft sooner

• ask one trusted person instead of ten

• publish something without waiting for approval

Each small rep builds independence.

6. Choose your “trusted few”

Not every voice deserves equal weight.

Pick 3–5 people whose feedback is grounded, honest, and aligned with your values. — your own “challenge network,” as Adam Grant calls it.

Let their voices matter.

Let everyone else fade into background noise.

The less I rely on validation, the clearer I think and the more confidently I move. People also give better feedback when they no longer feel pressure to protect your feelings.

Instead of asking people whether they like something, I'm focusing on what I'm learning — and moving forward with what feels meaningful for me to pursue, in the way I want to pursue it.

As I look to next year, I'm taking to heart that my decisions - the ones that matter most - belong to me. 

As we close out the year, here’s a question worth sitting with:

Where are you waiting for validation you don’t actually need — and what might happen if you moved forward anyway?

If you’re a parent looking for quick tips on helping your child build success habits, you might enjoy the Vana Lab Insights YouTube channel. No validation required — just ideas to support your child’s growth.

The post Why We Seek Validation We Don’t Need — And What To Do Instead appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

First and foremost, it's important to understand that regret is a natural part of the human experience. Research has shown that we tend to regret the things we didn't do more than the things we did do. This makes sense when you consider that, as humans, we are wired to seek out new experiences and take risks. When we don't take those risks, we can feel like we've missed out on something important.

If you're struggling with regret over something you did, the first step is to try to undo it or make amends. Apologizing and taking steps to repair the situation can be a powerful way to start the process of moving past your regret. If that's not possible, try reframing the situation. Instead of saying, "If only I didn't do..." use "At least..." and focus on how the situation didn't turn out worse or an unexpected positive outcome.

For example, let's say you regret picking a major in Chemistry in college. Instead of dwelling on the "if only" statements, try reframing them with an "at least" statement. "At least it's differentiated me from my peers in the training and coaching industry" or "At least I didn't go to grad school for chemistry."

A common source of regret is things left unsaid. We may wish we had spoken up in a certain situation, or that we had expressed our feelings more clearly to someone. In these cases, it's often possible to undo the regret by taking action. If we feel like we missed an opportunity to say something important, we can try to reach out to the person and express ourselves now.

Another powerful tool for dealing with regret is self-disclosure. Talking to someone you trust about your regret can be a great way to acknowledge and process your feelings. Alternatively, you can write about your regret in a private journal. This can help you gain perspective and move past the regret.

Self-compassion is another important tool for dealing with regret. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who was going through a difficult time. What would you say to them? Use those same words to comfort and support yourself. This can help normalize and neutralize your feelings of regret, making them feel less overwhelming.

Finally, it's important to learn from your regrets. What did you learn from the situation? What can you take away from it that will help you in the future? Regret can be a powerful teacher if you allow it to be. Reflect on your experience and use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future. When it comes to future decisions, we can try to anticipate regret by considering what our values and goals are. Research suggests that there are four core regrets that people tend to have: not building a solid foundation for the future, not taking sensible risks, not doing the right thing, and not connecting with others. By keeping these regrets in mind, we can try to make decisions that align with our values and minimize the likelihood of future regret.

Of course, the best way to deal with regret is to avoid it in the first place. This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some strategies you can use to help minimize the likelihood of regretting your decisions. Daniel Pink, in his book "The Power of Regret," suggests that we "satsifice" on most decisions, especially if we're not dealing with one of the four core regrets. Essentially, this means we should aim for good enough instead of perfect for decisions that won't have a huge impact on our lives.

On the other hand, for crucial decisions that fall under the four core regrets, we should maximize our efforts. Project yourself into the future and ask yourself what will help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others. This can help you make decisions that align with your values and decrease the chances of regret in the future.

Regret shows us what we care about and helps us grow. So don't beat yourself up too much about it. Acknowledge the regret, practice self-compassion, and use it as a learning experience for the future.

Photo by Kenny Eliason

The post Practical Tips for Dealing with Regret appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values

• Published: October 2013
• ISBN-10: 1622032020
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: The larger purpose of business or any competitve activity is not to gain material wealth or success "but to serve as a theater for self-knowledge, self-actualization, and self-transcendence." Business happens when two parties can exchange goods and services where both parties are better off. To succeed, you want to continuously enhance your ability to serve others while "taking a stand for your values and interacting with others authentically, constructively, and impeccably."

"Self-actualization is best supported through expressions of responsibility, autonomy, and essential integrity: a commitment to a meaningful purpose that goes beyond the immediate gratification of selfish desires and embraces others in service... main task of a conscious business is to help people succeed (accomplish their mission) while they develop healthy relationships (belong to a community) and experience an unconditional sense of peace, happiness, and growth (actualize and transcend the self)."

The post Conscious Business by Fred Kofman appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

We live life and believe that we'll automatically learn from our experiences and log those lessons into our memories. We're heavily influenced by the self-improvement fad of the month or the advice we're hearing from friends, family, colleagues and the media. This take-life-as-it-comes approach is often inefficient because you never build on the lessons you learn. If you’re lucky, your lessons learned end up changing your outlook and  behavior, which in turn changes your environment. If you’re not, you can end up stuck in the same unproductive loop.

To reach your full potential, you need to understand who you are. The more you know about yourself, the better your decisions will be. This is where science can help.

Being a former chemist, science has always been a big part of my life. I see it as the discipline for exploring the unknown and learning how things work. Now, instead of being in the lab figuring out how to use electro-conducting polymers to create flexible screens, protect against corrosion or sense noxious gases, I spend most of my time with high-performers helping them figure out how to create lasting behavioral change to reach their professional and personal goals.

There is no better tool to learn about something as complex as human behavior than the scientific method. You don't need to have a science background to use this approach and I'm sure you've all seen this at some point in your life even if you don't remember it.

Before we go into the steps of the scientific method, it's important to recognize that although as humans we have many similarities, we are also all unique. This means while some of the research and insights on human motivation and behavior may apply to you, it'll always be incomplete. To best understand who you are, you need to research and experiment on yourself.

Use the following steps of the scientific method to help you learn more about yourself:

In any science experiment, you start with:

Your Observations

How do you currently see yourself and the world? What do you notice about the way you react to and interact with others? What aspects of your life grab your attention?

Examples:

• "When I work more hours, my career prospects improve but my family life suffers."
• "My pants don't fit me anymore."
• "My mother-in-law hates me."

Problem or Question

Based on your observations, what is the underlying question or problem that you would like to learn more about or resolve? What do you want explained or fixed in your life? What have you read recently that has challenged the way you look at the world?

The beauty of science is that YOU choose the problem or question you want answered. What do you want to know about yourself? Before deciding what your issue or question will be, review your previous experiences to make sure your question hasn't already been answered.

Examples:

• "How can I achieve career success while keeping my family happy?"
• "What can I do to lose 35 lbs?"
• "How can I build a better relationship with my mother-in-law?"

Once you have a clear and unique problem or question to tackle, you formulate your:

Hypothesis

The hypothesis is your educated guess on what you think will happen. You draw upon your experiences and findings from previous experiments to predict what you think the answer to your question will be. You can also look at what others have tried when it comes to the problem you're looking to solve. An easy way to do that is to read what others have written on this topic.

Your prediction drives what your experiment will be designed to validate.

Examples:

• If I leave work early to spend time with family and if I bring work home to do at night, I can achieve both career and family goals.
• If I remove sugary drinks and fried foods from my diet, I can lose at least 35 lbs in 6 months.
• If I spend more quality time with my mother-in-law, I can better understand how to improve our relationship.

Once you decide on your hypothesis, it’s time to design and run your:

Experiment

How will you show whether your prediction is right or wrong? What will you do to isolate other factors that may affect your outcome?

For example: If you were successful in losing 35 lbs by removing soda and fried foods from your diet, how do you know the weight loss is due to removing soda and fried foods and not from something else like increased exercise?

To accurately learn something new about yourself, you need to design controlled experiments. In this example, you may want to keep a log of your exercise and diet habits for 1 month before embarking on your diet change. With this knowledge, you can control the exercise variable. By exercising the same amount before and during the experiment, exercise is no longer a factor for your weight loss.

As part of the experimental design, you'll decide:

• How long your experiment will be - will you stop at 6 months or will you stop when you lose 35 lbs?
• How and how often you'll measure your weight?
• What data to log - food and activity journals, mood, work hours, etc?
• What other relevant information to collect?

Scientists keep meticulous journals and so should you. The success of an experiment is determined by how replicable it is. If you can lose 35 lbs every time using this approach, then you've learned something true about yourself.

Once you've finished your experiment and collected the data, it's time for:

Analysis and Interpretation

What do your results and experimental data say?

Was your hypothesis right or wrong? In the weight loss example, if you lost 35 lbs within 6 months, then your hypothesis was true. If not, then you were off the mark. What's great about science is that even if your hypothesis was wrong, you've learned something about yourself.

If we continue with the weight-loss example and assume we did lose 35 lbs within 6 months, here are some possible theories:

• The weight was loss because eating less fried foods decreased total calories consumed.
• More sugar leads to raised insulin levels which stores more fat in your fat cells. When you decrease sugar intake, you decrease the amount of fat stored in the body.
• In this experiment, it took 15 days to lose the first 15 lbs and then another 30 days to lose the next 15 lbs. As body fat % decreases, weight loss slows down with decreased fried food and sugary drink intake.

When interpreting your data, beware of our natural tendency to find meaning where there is none. If you're not familiar with the phrase, correlation is not causation, read this short yet hilarious explanation.

Scientists often publish their findings in journals so other scientists can leverage their experiments and conclusions. If you feel compelled to do so, share the results of your experiments. You can write or speak about them using whichever platform you deem fit (for those in my generation, visions of oak tag comes to mind).

In science, every theory or conclusion leads to even more questions. This means every experiment results in even more experiments. What makes science powerful is that you're constantly building on what you've learned.

In this example, our next question might be to see "how much exercise is needed to keep the current weight steady?"

Science never stops its search for knowledge. Use the scientific method to keep learning about yourself and apply that knowledge to improve your life.

The steps in the process are:

1. Observation - what are you seeing now?
2. Question or Problem - what do you want explained or what outcome would you like to achieve?
3. Hypothesis - what do you think will happen?
4. Experiment - how will you test your prediction?
5. Analysis and Interpretation - were you right or wrong? what did you learn from your experiment?
   • Your observations in step #5 becomes the first step of your next experiment

Remember that:

• What works for others may work for you but will most likely not be a perfect fit because we're all unique.
• Keeping accurate journals is paramount for reproducing your results
• Both success and failure will teach you something
• Correlation is not causation
• Share your results so others can learn from you
• Science never stops and neither should you

“Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.”

-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

What's your next experiment?

Adapted from my Fast Company article.

Photo by evan p. cordes

The post The Scientific Approach to Personal Mastery appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

One of the best ways to achieve that is to get quality feedback. When it comes to feedback, we tend to ask other people because we fear our blind spots and propensity for self-delusion. Unfortunately, it's not always convenient or helpful to do that. It can be uncomfortable and depending on the person, highly unproductive.

Here are a few common thoughts that may cross your mind when you ask someone else to judge you:

How do I know if they are telling me the truth?
Are they credible enough to give me feedback?
What if they are misinterpreting my actions?
Is there a hidden agenda for the feedback they are giving me?
What if they are just jealous?
What if I don't want to change?

One way to reap the benefits of feedback without all of this hassle is to give feedback to yourself. You can do it at any time and it helps to heighten self-awareness.  Also, you're more inclined to buy into any changes you want to make.

So how do you give yourself feedback?

You observe others and yourself and analyze what you see.

Here are a few effective ways that I've found helpful from Marshall Goldsmith's popular book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There:

Pay attention to other people's reaction to you

Instead of asking people to give you feedback directly, pay close attention to what they're saying and how they act around you.

One great way to collect feedback about yourself is to jot down every casual comment others make about you. Once you have a long list of remarks, assess whether each remark is positive or negative. This will give you a sense of people's general impression about you. The goal is to increase your ratio of positive to negative remarks.

Once you've collected enough of what people are saying about you, start observing how they react around you. It becomes easier to do this if you tune out what they are saying and hone in on their body language. They key is to note any differences in how to react to you versus how they react to others in general. Do they smile when they talk to you or are you usually met with rolling eyes? Actions speak louder than words but only if you're paying attention.

Try this method both at home and in the office. It works especially well during group meetings where people are not aware that you are observing them. You'll be surprised how much you'll learn just by arriving early at a meeting and observing where people sit, who they talk to and their physical manner during these interactions.

Monitor what you say and do

What you say and do is very telling of who you are. If you want to get your perspective about yourself, start by observing your words.

What are you saying to other people? What is the ratio of self-aggrandizing remarks to self-deprecating remarks? What are you really saying about yourself when you make them?

If you're like most people, you compensate - what you brag about is usually what you're weakest at and what you're humble about, usually reveals your strengths. By being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can decide on how you will improve those areas. You can also work on becoming less self-conscious about both.

After you consider what your speech reveals about you, take a look at your actions. How do you act around your boss, co-workers, friends, family, relatives and strangers? What differences do you see when it comes to different groups and certain individuals? Usually, your flaws at work will show themselves at home and vice versa.

Pick one thing you know you can improve

Whether you're observing yourself or others, take time to analyze what you see. During your analysis, be careful not to generalize behaviors. One person may act friendly towards you but it doesn't mean they like you if they act even friendlier to everyone else.

Also, as you pore over this fresh set of insights about yourself, compare it to your own self-image. Would the person you aspire to be talk and act in such a way?  If not, what do you need to change?

When it comes to changing your life and sustaining that change, remember two things:

• People change ONLY if they believe it'll be helpful to them.
• The most productive way to do anything is to tackle one thing at a time.

So as you start to draw conclusions and find a few things to work on, I recommend that you pick ONE specific thing to improve. Once you decide what you want to work on, spend time to write one benefit to you and one benefit to the world when you successfully make this change.

For those who would like help pulling it all together, here is a 6-week regimen that you can follow:

• Week 1 - Make a list of what people are saying about you and categorize them as either positive or negative. Note anything that comes up often.
• Week 2 - Pay special focus to other people's body language towards you. Watch for any differences in their behavior depending on what you do and say. Also, contrast it with their manner towards other people.
• Week 3 - Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments.
• Week 4 - Look closely at how you treat other people. Find trends in your behavior and think about what those patterns say about you as a person.
• Week 5 (BONUS) - Listen to what you tell yourself. When you do well, what do you say? When you fail, what comments do you hear internally? You probably hold yourself back more than you know.
• Week 6 - Review all the information you've gathered about yourself from the last five weeks. Identify three aspects of yourself that you want to change. From those three, choose one that will have the most impact on your life and create a plan to make that change.

Giving yourself feedback might feel strange at first but armed with some concrete observations, it is a powerful technique for personal mastery.  Good luck!

If you know someone who might benefit from this article, please share it with them. Also, if you've learned something helpful about yourself through this technique and would like to share it, please leave a comment below.

The post How to Give Yourself Feedback appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

You don't do it intentionally but it happens.

It actually happens all the time, you just don’t know it.

The only time you realize there is a miscommunication is when something bad happens and even then you may not think it was because of bad communication.

The good things is most miscommunication doesn't have any bad consequences.

The bad thing is in those rare cases when the stakes are high, the consequences can be devastating and by the time you realize it was a communication issue, it’s too late.

Almost all conflicts (fights, arguments, etc.) are caused by poor communication. If you wanted to choose one skill to better your life today both professionally and personally, it is to improve your communication skills (I know, I know. Please resist the urge to roll your eyes).

“Communication”, like the words “mission” and “vision”, has become a generic term overused by corporate Human Resources Departments. All of the power and meaning of these words have been lost and people have forgotten the importance of good communication in their lives.

Almost every company has some type of training on effective communication skills but does it really help people become great communicators? Unfortunately not. Many of these trainings have great content and tips but they don't work because they never get to the root of the problem.

They never look at why people are bad communicators in the first place. If you want to be an extraordinary communicator, you must understand why we're so prone to miscommunicate:

Seeing is Believing

Most people tend to believe that because they were at a particular event (e.g. meeting, discussion, presentation, etc.), their account of the situation is correct. They generalize their perceptions of reality to be true for everyone and assume that what they saw is what really happened.

That is not true.

Even for all of you who have perfect vision, there are things you are blind to that you don't realize.

Watch this short video and follow the instructions in the video before reading on:

This experiment not only shows the power of attention but more importantly how our realities are based on our perception and that our perceptions are based on what we focus on. Depending on our experience, our mood, our thoughts, etc., we focus on different things of the same event. This means we only see a part of reality. To be more specific, we only see OUR part of reality.

Despite this being true for everyone, most people don't realize this. They don't know what they didn't see and will generalize their portion of reality to be the full reality. This is why so many people communicate badly. They stubbornly hold on to their "truth" and they discount everyone else's "truth".

If you were shown the above video only once and without mention of the gorilla, you probably would have lived your whole life thinking that there were only two teams passing the ball around and that the white team passed the ball around 13 times. If someone later told you there was a gorilla in that video, you would probably argue against it fervently.

Life works the same way. We can't rewind to see what really happened and arguments start when we think we have the whole truth even though we only have part of the story. Did you ever accuse your spouse of doing something they didn't do? Did you ever disagree with your boss about how your meeting went? If so, you've experienced this phenomenon first hand.

Improve Your Communication by:

• Realizing that your perception of reality is partial and dependent of your experiences
• Believing that people have good intentions and being curious about their perception of the world. Even though their actions or ideas may not make sense in your world, it is very possible that it makes perfect sense in their world.
• Taking other people's perceptions of reality to be as true as your own

We are Speaking the Same Language

In most countries, people speak the same language. In the US, it's English. In China, it's Chinese. In France, it's French.

People can recognize most words in their native language but what most people don't realize is the same words they are so familiar with may hold different meanings for different people.

If you assumed that just because you speak English and the other person also speaks English that you're both speaking the same language, you're very wrong. The meaning you give to words come from your environment (e.g. the way you were raised, your circle of friends, etc.) and your experience with that word. This is why miscommunication occurs so often. We all have unique life experiences and just because we use the same words, your definition of those words may be very different from my definition and you wouldn't know it until something bad happened.

Here is an example:

Tom and Jane are dating. Tom sees that Jane is unhappy and asks Jane what's bothering her.

Jane replies that she wants Tom to be more caring. Tom promises that he'll be more caring and Jane feels better.

The next week, Tom buys Jane flowers and takes her out to dinner. He feels good about it and Jane seems to be enjoying it as well.

A few weeks later, Jane and Tom get into a big fight because Jane accuses Tom of not following through on his promise to be more caring. Tom resents it because he felt that he was very caring and has shown it.

What was the problem?

Tom and Jane had different definitions for the word "caring":

Tom's definition of caring = buying flowers and taking loved one out to dinner

Jane's definition of caring = asking her daily about how her day went

So who's right?

Was Jane right to be angry or was Tom wrongfully accused?

Guess what, they’re both right.

The miscommunication occurred because they agreed on two different things thinking they agreed on the same thing. Jane thought Tom would ask her about her day more often while Tom thought as long as he bought flowers and took Jane to dinner, he'll be giving Jane what she wants.

Sound familiar?

Improve your communication by:

• Not assuming that speaking the same spoken language automatically means speaking the same language
• Asking others to define certain key words to make sure you’re on the same page. Tom should have asked Jane, "How would you "care" for someone?" People tend to treat people the way they want to be treated. If you want to drastically improve your relationship with your loved ones, ask them, "How do you know if someone loves you?" and pay close attention to the answer.
• Paraphrasing in detail the other person’s definition to make sure you understand what they mean and that you're both truly on the same page.
• Treat the person the way they want to be treated.

“It’s the thought that counts”

We’re taught growing up that as long as your intentions are good, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter how the other person takes it, if you know you had good intentions, you’re covered.

This is perhaps the biggest reason people get into arguments. When you think this way, you’re no longer communicating. You’re just dumping your ideas and suggestions under the guise of good intention.

One of the most important things I've learned that has helped me to improve my ability to communicate is realizing:

Intention doesn't matter.

The best example of this is a nagging parent. I'm positive your father or mother or both had only the best intention for you but how did the nagging make you feel? Did you feel compelled to listen to what they had to say? Did you listen to what they told you to do?

Probably not.

That's why focusing on intention is a very bad way to keep score on the effectiveness of your communication.

The only way to see how well you communicate is based on the response that you get from others. If other people are not open to your ideas, it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, you're not a good communicator. It's not up to people to understand your message, it's up to you to make it clear and acceptable.

Improve your communication by:

• Focusing on the response that you’re getting to evaluate how good you are communicating
• Taking responsibility for not getting the response you want
• Adjusting your behavior and communication according to the feedback
• Repeating the previous steps until you get the result you want

In a nutshell:

1. Seeing is not believing
2. Just because we all speak English doesn’t mean we speak the same language
3. Your intentions don’t matter. It’s about the response that you get.

Be curious about the other person without judging. If you don't assume and you're always curious enough to ask the other person to clarify what he/she mean, you'll see your quality of life improve drastically. There will be fewer if any arguments and you'll reduce many of the frustrations that plague relationships.

Life is about relationships and great relationships come from clear communication.

What are your tips for better communication?

If you want to improve your ability to communicate and get your message across, feel free to contact us to discuss the product and services that we offer.

The post 3 Reasons Why Most People are Bad Communicators appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

No one likes to be criticized.

Dale Carnegie, when giving advice on how to influence people and win friends, tells his readers that there is never a good time to criticize. As you may have already concluded, not everyone agrees with Dale.

I never liked criticism. It always triggered an automatic reaction in me that I didn't like. I would feel my heart beating faster and I immediately wanted to explain to or refute the critic. It wasn't until I realized what criticism really was or actually what it wasn't that I was able to control my emotions and stay calm in the face of even the most scathing criticisms.

Criticism is a judgment about something I did. The reason I was reacting negatively was because I perceived it as a judgment about who I am. Since I felt my self-worth was being attacked, I naturally went into a defensive stance to protect it and that was my mistake.

I now realize that:

Only I can decide my self-worth 

Self-worth is the value I place upon myself. I have not fundamentally changed just because I made a mistake and therefore

Criticism does NOT reflect who I am.

The great thing is that even if someone has the intention to attack you personally to try to lower your self-worth, they can't because your self-worth and esteem is controlled only by you. Having this knowledge has really changed the way I handle criticism, constructive or destructive.

The post How to Stay Calm in the Face of Criticism appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Let me explain...

I thought personal excellence was all about gaining success and avoiding failures. This meant choosing activities that had high success rates. This resulted in:

Staying Within My Comfort Zone

When you try new things, you have a very high chance of failure. How many things have I avoided because I didn't want to look stupid or thought I would be bad at it? It is no secret that the only way to grow is by doing new things and to step out of your comfort zone even one of our most famous scientists, Albert Einstein, once said, "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new". Mistakes are not so bad after all.

Getting Upset When I Failed 

No matter how hard I try to prevent it, there were still situations where I failed and when that happened, I was pretty hard on myself. I made the mistake of thinking that my failures reflect who I am so when I failed, it was because I was no good. I realize now that failure is nothing but feedback and that it is a pre-requisite of success so now when I fail, I know I am one step closer to achieving my outcome.

Keeping My Failures a Secret

This one was the worst. Anytime I failed at something, I would hide it and then pretend it never happened. I didn't investigate it any further, never talked to anyone about it and tried to avoid it altogether. This attitude held me back because I never learned from my mistakes. Failures are an excellent opportunity to find out how you can improve and usually all you have to do is ask. Samuel Smiles was spot on when he said, "We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do".

Embrace failure. Michael Jordan does.

Here is a transcript of the video:

"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot, and missed. I failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Photo by Ian Kim

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