...goes together like a horse and carriage...

...and you can't have one without the other...

(music slowly fades)

This song came to my head as I was writing this post and I thought it would make for some nice intro music. I'm happy to see Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill) making his comeback on Modern Family. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here (click the link even if you do know what I'm talking about, it will bring back memories - especially the fountain).

Anyway, I can bet that you're reading this post for one of three reasons:

1. You don't get along with your spouse and hope to find something, anything that might help,

2. You get along well with your spouse and want to confirm your strategy with the ones in this article, or

3. You're currently in a serious relationship considering to take the next step, have heard or seen horror stories about how marriage kills relationships and you are trying to get as much evidence that taking the next step will be ok.

If you didn't come for any of these reasons, please leave a comment letting us know why you decided to read this article.

In the meantime, let's move on.

I don't like to get too personal but I have to admit - I'm one of those lucky guys who gets along with his spouse.

This doesn't mean we don't argue but in the times that we do, we don't get angry, scream or give each other the silent treatment. We openly say what's on our mind and then deal with the issue. Other times, we are just amazed at how long we've been together and have a good time enjoying each other's company. We've even set up our finances to prevent money from ruining our marriage (Click here to see what we do step-by-step).

I consider myself lucky because from my experience and observations, this is more the exception than the rule.

I know I know, you are rolling your eyes thinking "I get it. You have a happy and blissful relationship. That's nice but what about me? When are you going to give the guide that you promised?"

Good point. We're all busy people so let's get to it.

Here are the key components to help you better get along with your spouse immediately:

Make Getting Along Your Goal

One of the reasons couples fight is because they lose sight of what their goal should be. My goal is to have a happy and nurturing relationship. What's yours?

I've found couples who fight often have bad goals. Their goal is usually proving themselves right and not building a loving relationship. Always keep your goal in mind and make sure your actions are aligned with your goal - this may mean resisting the urge to point out how right you are no matter how much evidence you have.

Accept Your Spouse

Most couples don't get along because they are constantly wishing their spouse was someone else: a better listener, a thriftier spender, a sexier lover, etc. This type of wishful thinking is harmful to your relationship and will only lead to frustration because you can't change anyone who doesn't want to change.

So if you are trying to do just that, stop right now and save your energy for something more productive. Accept your spouse for who they are and change your reaction to their "bad" habits. Keep in mind that just because you can't change your spouse, it doesn't mean they can't change themselves. The important thing to remember is that it's their choice and right, not yours.

Give Him or Her the Benefit of the Doubt

Many disagreements between loving couples occur due to miscommunication. What's ironic is that two people miscommunicating don't know they are doing so or else they would stop. No matter how big the argument, keep in mind that you got married because you care for, trust and love each other. One of the best ways to handle miscommunication is to always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and be curious why someone with good intentions would act the way they did.

So how do you become curious?

Ask - Don't Interpret

Most fights happen because we misinterpret our spouse's actions or expressions. Just because our spouse yawns while we talk, it doesn't mean what we are saying is boring. There is a good chance that it was a long and tiring day but then again maybe it was because we're boring. The only way to know for sure is to ask. Hopefully, by now, you've built up a trusting and accepting relationship where your spouse can tell you the truth without suffering any negative consequences.

Be specific when you ask your spouse questions and don't assume. Instead of "Why are you mad?", you can ask "I noticed that you are pursing your lips and furrowing your brow, what does that mean?"

That example may be a bit extreme but you get the point.

Before you assume you know what your spouse is feeling, ask them to clarify the specific actions (i.e. loud voice) they are exhibiting as opposed to reacting to your own interpretation of their action. You'll be surprised at how many fights end because of open communication. Listen not only to the words but also the underlying emotions.

Men and women communicate differently and unfortunately, they are really bad interpreters for each other. Let the other person translate for you because John Gray was right - Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

Give Each Other Space

This may sound strange but one of the key reasons my wife and I get along is because we have our own lives outside of each other. That sounds bad but it actually works out really well.

We work in separate companies and have our own hobbies/interests. We have "common" friends whom we hang out with together and our "own" friends whom we hang out with apart. Striking a good balance between being together and being apart really helps to keep the relationship strong.

Would I hang out with my spouse 24/7? Yea I would be able to and I enjoy her company very much but for some reason having and pursuing our own interests just works.

I understand that this may still be a bit counter-intuitive for you but I encourage you to try it and then decide for yourself.

The only time where giving each other space would be bad is if the purpose (and you know your purpose) was to get away from each other because you can't stand each other. If that is why you're getting out of the house, you really want to explore what makes you feel that way towards your spouse and to openly communicate this issue as soon as possible.

Respect, Appreciate and Admire

I used to take people closest to me for granted. The closer they were, the more I took them for granted. I rarely said thank you and I didn't show them the appreciation they deserve.

Being aware of this, I strived to change my behavior and I can see a real difference in my relationship with those closest to me.

Here is the simple 3-step approach that I use with my spouse:

Step 1 - It really all starts with respecting the other person. There is no reason you shouldn't respect everyone that you meet. It should be enough that they are a fellow human being but what really makes it much easier for me is the belief that every person is better than me in some way and I can learn something from everyone.

Step 2 - Once you genuinely respect your spouse for being who they are, appreciate them for what they do. My wife does many things for me without my asking and I like to acknowledge and appreciate her for doing that. Being on the look out to appreciate allows me to be more aware of all the things she does and this encourages me to reciprocate by doing things for her which she, in turn, acknowledges and appreciates. This creates a wonderful upward spiral.

Step 3 - Taking respect and appreciation once step further leads to admiration. When you admire someone, it's really easy to get along with them. I admire my wife for the person that she is. It's not really about all the things she has accomplished and all the things she does for our family but who she is inside.

Even though this article was written in the context of a married couple, you can easily use these tips to help you get along with anyone that you encounter. The great thing about these strategies is that they begin to work almost immediately.

As a quick review, to get along with your spouse (or anyone):

1. Make "getting along" your goal and make sure your actions are aligned with that goal.
2. Accept your spouse for who they were, are and will be.
3. Recognize your spouse has good intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt.
4. Don't assume or interpret, ask your spouse how they are feeling.
5. Give each other space.
6. Respect, appreciate and admire your spouse.

For those of you interested in learning more, check out Aaron and April Jacob's excellent post on 6 Pillars to Nurturing Marriage.

If you found this article helpful, please share it with others who might benefit as well. Also, if you have any practical tips for getting along with your spouse, please add it to the comments section.

The post 6 Tips to Get Along With Your Spouse that Work appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Luckily for us, we came up with a great way to set up our finances that allows us to be both responsible to the family and free to make our own decisions. It has been working so well, I am going to share it with you step-by-step in this article.

I'll first introduce the strategy and then address the common concerns.

Step 1 - Pool together all your assets

This is pretty much everything you own (cash, property, cars, etc.). We kept our retirement accounts separate because it seemed easier that way.

Step 2 - Put all the assets into a joint account

Put everything you can in your joint account but don't cancel your individual accounts. This may be tougher for your retirement accounts. We left ours in our individual names. Ideally it would be great to put everything in the joint account but it is important to be flexible.

Step 3 - Decide together on an appropriate amount for your individual discretionary accounts

Choose an amount that you both are ok with taking out of the joint account and dividing equally into your individual accounts. I highly recommend keeping the bulk of your money in the joint account or else this strategy won't work well. You also want to make sure you fund the individual account with enough money so it makes sense. I would say 3 months of your non-essential expenses (eating out, splurge purchases, gifts, etc.)

Step 4 - Transfer the agreed upon amount to each person's individual account

Make the transfer of equal amounts from the joint account back to each person's individual accounts.

Step 5 - Set up the rules for the joint account

Create rules to govern the joint account. Here are our rules:

• All income goes into the joint account and after all joint expenses are paid (this includes a percentage of money we want to save), we distribute the "profits" into our individual accounts. This ensures that all the important expenses are taken care of and that no individual can put the family in danger with irresponsible spending habits.

• Joint expenses are paid by the joint account and individual expenses are paid by the individual discretionary accounts. Expenses approved by both people will be paid using the joint account:

1. • Mortgage and family vacations gets paid from the joint account
   • My new laptop or my wife's new handbag will be paid from our individual discretionary accounts
   • When I eat out with my friends, it comes out of my discretionary account. If my wife joins us, we use the joint account

• Each person controls their own discretionary account. We never nag each other about how we are spending the discretionary accounts and we don't need to ask each other for permission to spend from our individual accounts. If you happen to spend all the money in your discretionary account, you will have to wait for the next profit-sharing. We found that this was a great way to save and to prevent the scenario where one person feels "cheated" because the other person spends more than they do when they pool their assets together.

• The frugal one in the relationship should manage the joint account (highly recommended).

Step 6 - Adjust the plan to fit changing needs, lifestyles and/or financial goals

This strategy is only a guide for you to use. Our situation is different from yours so it is important to understand the concept but then to adapt it to your own situation. I know we will modify this strategy as we learn more about ourselves and as our situations change but at the current moment, we are happy with this setup.

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions about this strategy:

Can you give me an example?

Here is a hypothetical example:

My spouse and I have $50,000 each in savings before we got married.

After the wedding, we put all our assets in the joint account so now the joint account has $100,000. We decide that we will put $10,000 in each of our discretionary accounts to start.

So now the joint account has $80,000. My wife's account has $10,000. My account has $10,000.

All income goes straight into the joint account. My wife makes $7000/month. I make $3000/month. Our joint monthly expenses are $6000 for mortgage and $1500 for all other expenses in this example month. We first pay off all expenses for the month ($10,000 - $6000 - $1500 = $2500). We decide we want to save 80% of what's left after paying our expenses ($2500 * 0.8 = $2000).

Total left for profit distribution: $500 ($250 to my wife's account and $250 to my account)

So for this month, the joint account has $82,000. My wife's account has $10,250. My account has $10,250. (Assuming we didn't spend anything in our discretionary accounts)

In the months where expenses exceed income (vacation or unforeseen expenses), there is no profit distribution. If you haven't start doing so already, I highly recommend keeping track of your net worth.

What if I make much more than my spouse?

I don't see the point of getting married if you don't intend to share everything with the other person or trust them enough to pool together your money and build up a big joint account. Why shouldn't they have access to your money if you plan to get married? Really think about what you are afraid of or what is "unfair" about the situation. Imagine yourself in your spouse's shoes. If your spouse made a lot more money than you did, would it be unfair then?

What if we don't have enough "profits" left over for our individual accounts? I won't be able to buy what I want?

This strategy is created to help you be responsible while giving both people in the relationship freedom to spend. This is assuming you are making enough for discretionary spending. If there are no "profits", either your expenses are too high or your incomes are too low. In both cases, you would work together and make more money or spend less money.

I think it is a great plan but my spouse won't agree to it. What should I do?

Talk to your spouse and ask why they don't like the strategy. Show them the benefits that you see in this strategy. If they still refuse, there is not much you can do (although refusal to adopt this method may be warning signs of fear or mistrust). Unfortunately, this strategy only works when both partners cooperate and agree to work together.

If you found this article helpful, feel free to send it to anyone else you think might benefit from this strategy. Also, if you have your own financial strategy that works for you, please share in the comments section.

The post How to Prevent Money from Ruining Your Marriage – A Step-by-Step Guide appeared first on Embrace Possibility.