“Stop dragging the chair Jake!!”

He's been doing this on a  regular basis for over a year and it’s begun to feel like a battle of wills.  Each time we see it happen,  my wife and I  respond the same way. – we yell at him to stop and feel frustrated that he is not learning this lesson. 

As I reflect on this recurring scene, I realized that I’ve been looking at this situation in the wrong way. I interpret my son's repeat offense as insubordination when, in fact, his behavior continues, most likely, because he is so focused on achieving his goals.

The reason he drags the chair to the counter is because the charger for the iPad is on the counter. He wants to sit next to the counter so he can continue to play while the iPad is charging. That is his sole focus.

My goal is to prevent the floor from scuffing while the chair gets dragged across it. When I yell for my son to stop, I am singularly focused on achieving my goal and inadvertently become an obstacle to his achieving his goal. Similarly, when he drags the chair across the room, he is just focused on his achieving his goal and inadvertently becomes an obstacle to what I want. We each get into each other’s way without even knowing it. 

For me, the deeper insight comes from recognizing just how quickly and repeatedly I keep exerting my power over him to get what I want at the expense of what he wants. I justify this behavior by reminding myself that I am the adult and he is the 6-year old child. I go even further by telling myself that I’m teaching my son discipline and keeping him in line. Instead, if I took a few minutes to think about what he wanted, I could have made a structural change that allowed us each to achieve our goals. If I move the charger to the living room next to our couch, my son can sit there and play whenever he needs to charge his iPad.

Inadvertently, getting in each other's way happens all the time - at work, in school, during social gatherings. The next time you feel slighted or feel someone is repeatedly doing something you don’t want them to do, figure out why they are doing it that way. If you pay attention to the other person’s goal, you might find a way to both get what you want.

Remember, more often than not, it’s nothing personal. You just happen to be in their way.   

Photo by Ali Yahya

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I wish I could say that this is stress-induced impatience but even before the current public health emergency, I've found it hard to teach my loved ones anything. Now that I need to teach my kids every day, I've been thinking about how best to accomplish that and keep my sanity.

In a recent Knowledge Project interview with Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People, she talks about parents being too close to their kids to be objective. Since we want our kids to succeed in everything that they do, we may project our own insecurities when they struggle not realizing that struggling is part of the learning process. What I find easy to forget is that it's normal for my 5-year-old to lose focus and be easily distracted. I end up becoming frustrated because I expect him to have the attention span of an adult.

When I reflect on all the times I've nagged, threatened to punish, or punished my kids when they weren't "getting" it, it never actually helped them to "get" it. If anything, it made learning a negative experience for them which is the opposite of what I want. Since finding someone else to teach my kids is not an option right now, I've found these two tips helpful to maintain my patience:

1. I reflect on times when I've had to learn something new and how bad I felt when the person working with me was impatient. (It may me feel dumb and caused me to doubt myself)
2. I imagine how I would act if this was one of my friend's kids and act accordingly despite how I might be feeling.

If I find more tips that work, I'll add them to this list. In the meantime, I recommend listening to the interview. Esther's TRICK model is a good one if you're looking to raise independent, self-responsible people. For those who don't have time to listen to the interview, TRICK stands for:

• Trust your kids to make choices and take risks
• Respect their autonomy and individuality (they are not you so don't mold them into being you)
• Independence - give them room to operate and cope with adversity, setbacks, and boredom
• Collaboration - include them in the decision-making process for the family
• Kindness - it's easy to take kindness for granted with our closest relationships

Come to think of it, this acronym is a good one to keep in mind when working with anyone.

Here's a not-so-hidden easter egg for parents:

If you've ever felt that one person in your relationship shoulders the mental load for remembering all the little things needed to run your household smoothly, this thoughtful comic breaks it down beautifully. Might be an eye-opener if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Photo by Stephen Isaiah

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It embodies how I like to view competition - an arena to showcase your efforts with the journey of preparing to compete making you better than you were before regardless of the actual outcome.

A Parent Talks to a Child Before the First Game

"This is your first game, my child. I hope you win.

I hope you win for your sake, not mine. Because winning’s nice.

It’s a good feeling.

Like the whole world is yours.

But, it passes, this feeling.

And what lasts is what you’ve learned.

 

And what you learn about is life.

That’s what sports is all about. Life.

The whole thing is played out in an afternoon.

The happiness of life.

The miseries.

The joys.

The heartbreaks.

 

There’s no telling what’ll turn up.

There’s no telling whether they’ll toss you out in the first five minutes or whether you’ll stay for the long haul.

 

There’s no telling how you’ll do.

You might be a hero or you might be absolutely nothing.

There’s just no telling.

Too much depends on chance.

On how the ball bounces.

 

I’m not talking about the game, my child.

I’m talking about life.

But, it’s life that the game is all about.

Just as I said.

 

Because every game is life.

And life is a game.

A serious game

Dead serious.

 

But, that’s what you do with serious things. You do your best.

You take what comes.

You take what comes

And you run with it.

 

Winning is fun.

Sure.

But winning is not the point.

 

Wanting to win is the point.

Not giving up is the point.

Never being satisfied with what you’ve done is the point.

Never letting up is the point.

Never letting anyone down is the point.

 

Play to win.

Sure.

But lose like a champion.

Because it’s not winning that counts.

What counts is trying."

—Unknown

If you like the messages in this poem, I highly recommend reading the full book. It's full of insights from Wooden's life and view of the world.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema

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(click on book cover for more details)

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

• Published: January 2013
• ISBN-10: 0307352153
• EP Rating: 3 out of 5 (Ok, read when you have time)

EP Main Takeaway: Introverts are sensitivity to stimulus. Understand where you are on the introversion-extroversion spectrum and select jobs, activities, and environments that are a good fit for you.

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