(click on book cover for more details)

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

• Published: September 2012
• ISBN-10: 1592408419
• EP Rating: 4 out of 5 (worth picking up)

EP Main Takeaway: People are inspired by other people's vulnerability yet ashamed of their own. Be willing to show up and be all in. Make an effort with others by always engaging fully. If we judge when we receive, we judge when we give. The more afraid we are to talk about shame, the more we are controlled by it. Shame is when we feel flawed, guilt is when we make a mistake. To tackle shame, know that you are already worthy and that you are not your actions.

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A day or two before my dentist's appointment, I will spend twice the amount of time brushing my teeth and triple the time flossing (I'm normally a fast flosser).

I even make the effort to brush my teeth again and use Listerine right before my appointment.

If I really think about it ... it's absurd.

Here I am paying my dentist to clean my teeth and I am doing most of the work for her (although she probably begs to differ).

How about you?

Are you guilty of this as well?

Are you the type to clean up the house before the cleaning lady comes?

If you are or know someone who is, read on.

So, why do we do this to ourselves?

There is really one reason:

We care about what other people think.

We are afraid our dentist and the dental assistants will silently look at each other with furrowed brows and annoyed looks when working on our teeth. We can already see them talking about us the next day, commenting on how lazy and unhygienic we are. We can readily imagine  our cleaning lady shaking her head disapprovingly as she cleans up our mess (a gesture she usually reserves for college dorm rooms and seedy motels).

No matter how we try to spin it, we just don't like to be judged negatively by other people (especially people we don't know).

Cleaning up before the maid. Brushing our teeth more vigilantly. These are harmless examples but it is when it becomes a habit and you automatically start to go against your natural inclinations because you are afraid of what other people will think, that's when it becomes dangerous.

A good warning sign is when you begin to rationalize your behavior instead of taking responsibility. You tell yourself that by cleaning up you are being considerate to others. You argue that the more "easy" work you do, the better they can focus on the "hard" work you paid them to do. I learned somewhere that there are always two reasons for doing something: the reason that sounds good and the real reason.

The reasons that sound good are all too familiar so what is real reason you brush your teeth before going to the dentist is?

You care more about what other people think of you than what you think of yourself.

This is a formula for disaster for one big reason:

You have no power over the actions and thinking of other people.

So if your self-image is based on what other people think about you, you're going to be in for some pretty big up and down days. You are disempowering yourself by changing your self-worth anytime someone changes their opinion of you.

Now that's a pretty horrible way to live and it doesn't have to be that way.

Try this:

Care more about what you think about yourself than what others think about you. 

All I did was change the order of the words and the impact is huge. The best way to put this to use in the real world is by separating your self-image from your behavior and outcome. Your self-image should not fluctuate. If anything it should only be going up because you completely control your self-image. Changing your self-image is instant. What are you waiting for?

Once you can separate your behavior from your self-image, failures becomes a reflection on your behavior, not who you are as a person. You haven't changed and you don't need to change. You were perfect from the minute you were born. What does have to change is your behavior. Remember that and your failures won't disempower you.

Are you someone who gets upset when people criticize or blame you?

Do you discount your ideas when it's contrary to popular belief?

Is your mood tied to what people think about you?

If so, I strongly recommend that you take the first step in the right direction and stop brushing your teeth right before you see the dentist. If you're feeling really good, eat some gooey chocolate beforehand. It may feel uncomfortable at first but when you come out with your teeth all cleaned and realizing how little it matters what the dentist thinks about you, it'll be well worth it.

If you're a dentist, sorry!

The post The Real Reason You Brush Your Teeth Before Going to the Dentist appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Self esteem

The first step towards high self-esteem is knowing where your current level of self esteem is. Most people don't know and it can't be measured just by looking at a person. So how do you gauge where you are at?

For the most part, if you truly believe you can do anything you want and you don't let criticism or other people's opinions bother you, I would say you have a high level of self esteem. If you still get shaken when other people criticize you, click here to learn how you can stay calm in the face of criticism.

I never thought of myself as having low self esteem but from my research and experience, I've come to recognize that there are times when I show warning signs of low self esteem. Before I tell you what you can do when you see these warning signs, let me share with you the 7 warning signs of low self esteem:

Can't Handle Praise

People who have low self esteem are uncomfortable and have trouble accepting praise. They usually deflect it or put themselves down. Being Chinese, I can understand that some of this may be cultural but when you make it awkward for someone to praise you, they are going to stop praising you. The easiest way to graciously accept praise is by saying "Thank you".

Condescending and/or Puts People Down

I used to trash talk a lot when I play basketball. Although most of it is fun and games, a part of it was making myself look good by making others look bad. The same applies for a belligerent boss or a rude customer. Anytime someone looks down on or tries to put down another person (even if they are just "joking"), they are revealing their own insecurities. People with high self esteem respect everyone no matter their background, situation or condition. They tend to make fun of themselves as opposed to other people.

Controlling vs. Empowering

When you try to control someone instead of empowering them, it shows that you feel threatened. Jealous partners who are manipulative and don't allow their significant others to talk to the opposite sex or to go out and enjoy themselves act this way due to low self esteem. It stems from the fear of losing that person because they don't feel they are good enough. Those with high self esteem are always looking to give power to other people knowing that they themselves are in full control of their own life.

Can't Say "No"

I had a big problem with this one. I found it hard to say no when someone would ask me to do something, go somewhere or join some team. It would be ok if it was something I enjoyed doing, but sometimes I would agree to things that I knew I wouldn't enjoy. I believe some of it comes from being nice and wanting to be helpful but a big part of it comes from wanting to please people. I wanted people to like me because I was basing my self-worth on what others thought about me and this is a sure sign of low self esteem. If you want to build your self esteem, learn to say "no" when you really want to say "no".

Being Indecisive

When you can't decide, there are usually a few reasons: You don't want to take responsibility for making the wrong decision, you believe that what you want is not as important as what someone else wants and/or you really don't know what to do. Apart from not knowing what to do, the other reasons are warning signs of low self esteem. Anytime you feel that you are not as important as someone else or you don't deserve something, you are lowering your esteem. People with high self esteem are decisive because they understand that their opinion is worth just as much as anyone else's even if they are with high-profile people like the President of the United States.

Blames Others

The inability to accept responsibility is a telltale sign of low self-esteem. This shows up when someone is indecisive and when they blame other people. People blame others because they believe what you do is who you are which means when you make a mistake, you somehow diminish yourself. They don't realize by blaming others, they have made themselves powerless by becoming a victim of circumstance.

How many times have you heard or maybe even said:

"I was late because of stupid train delays.",

"I didn't get promoted because I don't schmooze with my managers." or

"I can't find a job because of the economy."

Although these may be valid reasons, people with strong self-esteem do not focus on the external factor that may have caused the undesired result but rather spend their energy thinking of ways to achieve the outcome that they want. They don't put themselves down for making a mistake, they just learn from the experience and move on.

Overly Apologetic

How do you tell if a presenter/speaker is not confident?

The first words they say is "I'm sorry." even though they haven't done anything to be sorry for. They are apologizing for being there because perhaps they believe someone better should be in their place. If you ever catch yourself apologizing for no good reason, be aware that something or someone is causing you to lower your self-esteem.

Apologies are important but should be reserved for the occasions when you make a mistake. In all other cases, don't apologize.

So what do you do if you are showing warning signs of low self esteem?

Recognize that:

Self esteem is just a belief. It takes as much effort to believe you have low self esteem as it does to believe you have high self esteem. All you need to do when experiencing low self esteem is to change your belief about yourself. Remember that no one can give or take away your self esteem.

"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself."  -Thich Nhat Hanh

How do you spot low self esteem?

The post The 7 Warning Signs of Low Self Esteem appeared first on Embrace Possibility.