The Conquest of Happiness - Bertrand Russell

This book is all about understanding what really makes us happy and how to overcome the things that bring us down. He dives deep into what causes unhappiness and then flips the script to explore how we can cultivate true happiness. Let’s break it down and see how we can apply these ideas in our daily lives.

Part One: Causes of Unhappiness

Russell starts by talking about why so many of us are unhappy, focusing on both external pressures and internal struggles.

1. Avoid Romanticizing Despair: We sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that being gloomy or melancholic is a sign of depth or intelligence. But this mindset can keep us stuck in negativity. Imagine a friend who, no matter what happens, always manages to find something positive. They’re not being naïve; they’re choosing to focus on the good. You can do the same. For example, if your day at work is going poorly, instead of obsessing over the negatives, try listing three things that went well. It’s a simple way to turn your day around.
2. Limit Competitive Attitudes: Today’s world makes it easy to get caught up in competition, especially when we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. Picture this: A coworker gets a promotion you wanted. Instead of feeling resentful, try to focus on your own path. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” and set a new goal that’s about your personal growth, not about outdoing someone else. It’s about being better than you were yesterday, not better than someone else.
3. Balance Boredom and Excitement: We often swing between boredom and seeking out excitement, but neither extreme leads to true contentment. Think about a lazy Saturday with nothing planned. Instead of mindlessly scrolling through your phone, try engaging in a quiet hobby like reading or gardening. These activities might seem dull at first, but they often bring a deeper satisfaction than chasing the next big thrill.
4. Prioritize Rest and Avoid Overwork: We live in a culture that glorifies being busy, but this can lead to burnout. Consider someone who’s always working late and never takes a break. They might seem successful, but they’re likely exhausted. Instead, try setting boundaries for your workday. For instance, make a commitment to shut down your laptop by 6 PM and take Sundays off. When you’re well-rested, you’ll find that you’re more productive and happier.
5. Practice Gratitude to Counteract Envy: It’s easy to feel envious of what others have, especially with social media showcasing everyone’s highlight reels. Imagine scrolling through Instagram and feeling jealous of a friend’s vacation. Instead of letting that feeling take over, practice gratitude. Each morning, write down three things you’re thankful for. This small habit can help you focus on the good in your life rather than what you’re missing.
6. Challenge and Reframe Guilt: Many of us carry guilt from past mistakes or because we’re not living up to societal expectations. Take someone who feels guilty for not following a traditional career path. Instead of dwelling on this, they could reframe their thinking by valuing their unique experiences. If you find yourself feeling guilty, ask, “Is this guilt helping me?” If it’s not, it’s time to let it go and focus on what really matters to you.
7. Be Realistic About Social Dynamics: We often worry too much about what others think of us, but the reality is, most people are too busy with their own lives to scrutinize ours. Imagine you’re nervous about speaking up in a meeting because you fear judgment. But when you finally do, you realize that people are actually supportive or simply not that interested. Next time you’re worried about being judged, remind yourself that others are likely not thinking about you as much as you believe.
8. Develop Confidence in Your Choices: Making decisions based on what others might think can lead to a life that doesn’t truly fulfill you. Consider someone who chooses a career because it’s what their parents wanted, not because it’s their passion. Now, imagine if they pursued what they truly love, even if it’s unconventional. Start making choices that align with your values and interests, and you’ll find more satisfaction in life.

Part Two: Causes of Happiness

After exploring the causes of unhappiness, Russell shifts to what actually makes us happy and how we can cultivate these things in our lives.

1. Cultivate Deep Relationships: In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to let relationships slide, but they’re essential for happiness. Instead of just liking a friend’s post on social media, why not give them a call or meet up in person? These real-life connections build stronger bonds and bring more joy than digital interactions alone. You may want to check out our relationship quick tips.
2. Engage in Meaningful Work: Doing work that aligns with your passions and strengths can make a huge difference in your overall happiness. Picture someone who’s stuck in a job they hate, dragging themselves to work every day. Now, imagine if they found a way to incorporate their passions into their career, even if it’s just a side project at first. The sense of purpose and fulfillment they’ll gain is worth the effort.
3. Pursue Hobbies and Interests: Having hobbies outside of work adds balance and joy to life. Think of someone who loves painting but hasn’t picked up a brush in years. By dedicating just an hour a week to their art, they might rediscover a sense of peace and creativity that spills over into other areas of their life. These little pleasures can make life more fulfilling.
4. Strive and Accept: It’s important to set goals, but it’s just as important to know when to accept things as they are. Imagine someone training for a marathon who gets injured. Instead of pushing through and risking further injury, they accept the setback and adjust their goals—maybe by focusing on strength training while they heal. This balance between effort and acceptance keeps them on track without unnecessary frustration.
5. Create a Personal Philosophy of Happiness: It’s helpful to have a clear idea of what happiness means to you. Think of someone who takes the time to write down their core values and beliefs about happiness. This personal philosophy becomes a guide for making decisions and staying true to themselves. When faced with a tough choice, they can refer back to their philosophy and ask, “Does this align with my values?”

By applying these ideas in your daily life, you can start to build habits and mindsets that lead to greater happiness. Each small step adds up, making a big difference over time, just as Bertrand Russell suggested in "The Conquest of Happiness."

Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals - Oliver Burkeman

Living your life may mean letting balls drop, disappointing others, abandoning certain ambitions, and failing at certain roles. Those sacrifices might be ok if you feel you're actively making those choices, and you'll happy with the consequences. If a messy office means spending more time with the kids, that might be ok. When we're afraid of what other people might think, we're no longer living for ourselves. 

We tend to complete easy tasks to get them off our plate, but often those tasks are the least valuable. If we're not careful, we spend much of our time doing easy, meaningless activities. 

We don't have time. We are time. (Heidegger)

Most of our daily activities are distractions from living our life. We tend to squander time when we think we have a lot of it. Instead, face the reality that you may truly not be around tomorrow or next week, and if that's the case, how would you live today. 

If we are alive today, it's a gift. We don't have to do things, we get to do them. That means any choice you make to spend your time is a win. Stop wasting time deliberating about what you want to do or evaluating your current choice against potential choices, just do the thing in front of you.

When you procrastinate, analyze whether it's because you recognize you can't get everything done and have decided to neglect some tasks or if you are paralyzed because you feel like you can do it all or because you're scared that you won't do a good-enough job. If the latter, then relax because it's highly likely that you won't meet your ideal, so you might as well start.

To dive into something meaningfully, you need to commit. Stay on the bus. We're all settling, even when we think we're not settling. People tend to be happier when they make irreversible decisions - "When you can no longer turn back, anxiety falls away, because now there’s only one direction to travel: forward into the consequences of your choice."

What you pay attention to becomes your reality. Attention is life. When you don't pay attention to what's important, you may miss out on the life you want. We become distracted when we try to run away from the reality that we have limited time and may never reach the imaginary vision we have for ourselves. Instead, live your life as it comes. To stop becoming distracted, "stop expecting things to be otherwise." We will likely not do everything we want to do, and that's ok. Pay full attention to what's happening as opposed to wishing something else was happening or that we have more control in the process. Accepting this constraint will likely free you from constraint.

Our plans to use time as we wish are typically interrupted by the unexpected. That is more the norm than the exception. Stop planning so much or in such detail. When we try too hard to make the most of our time, we end up missing out on life.

“Do not rule over imaginary kingdoms of endlessly proliferating possibilities.”

To live your life more effectively, don't mind what happens. Imagining what should have been or could have been wastes time you can use to live your life. Stop focusing on using your time well because it'll make each day feel like a drag and you're focused on assessing whether your time is being used well instead of living your life. Don't treat "the present solely as a path to some superior future state" because it robs you of the satisfaction of the present. Your present experiences are the most valuable experience you can have.

"Life is nothing but a succession of present moments, culminating in death, and that you’ll probably never get to a point where you feel you have things in perfect working order... Throw yourself into life now."

Also not about being just fully present to extract the most out of the present experience. Don't try to get something out of the experience. Just be in the experience. Take on leisure activities for its own sake (good hobbies should feel a bit embarrassing because you're not doing it for external approval). Don't try to use the time to do something - just spend the time because it's there to spend.

We are addicted to speed.

Practice patience - "meaningful productivity often comes not from hurrying things up but from letting them take the time they take." Don't force your pre-determined plans for success, just respond to what's happening. We can't dictate how fast things will go, so stop trying.

• Develop a taste of having problems - you will never be in a situation where there are no problems to be solved so stop rushing to try to reach this impossible end state. Just deal with each problem as it comes up.
• Embrace radical incrementalism - don't strive to do too much on any individual day, but do a little bit every day of what's most important to you. Be willing to stop when your daily time is up even if you feel you can do more. Stop being impatient about not finishing.
• Sync your time with others - life is more than what you want to do with your time. You need to give up control so you can spend time with others. Join groups and give up some of your time flexibility by committing to spending time with people you care about.
• Recognize that what we do with our lives doesn't matter so do whatever you want - the universe, and other people, can care less about how you spend your time. No such thing as a "life well spent."

Everyone is winging it, all the time, so stop waiting until you're perfect and "ready." Embrace your limits by giving up hope and just do "the next and most necessary thing" and see your life take shape in your rearview mirror.

"giving up hope doesn’t kill you, as Jensen points out, is that in a certain sense it does kill you. It kills the fear-driven, control-chasing, ego-dominated version of you—the one who cares intensely about what others think of you, about not disappointing anyone or stepping too far out of line, in case the people in charge find some way to punish you for it later."

Questions to ask yourself:

1. "Where in your life or your work are you currently pursuing comfort, when what’s called for is a little discomfort?"
2. Ask of every significant decision in life, "Does this choice diminish me, or enlarge me?"
   • Choose uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable diminishment whenever you can.
3. "What would you do differently with your time, today, if you knew in your bones that salvation was never coming—that your standards had been unreachable all along, and that you’ll therefore never manage to make time for all you hoped you might?"
4. "In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are, not the person you think you ought to be?"
   • Live your life, not someone else's; you don't need approval or validation from anyone else but you

Practical tips:

• Be slower to respond to requests or emails - usually, issues end up resolving themselves. Just make sure you're not taking so long that the other side feels like you're ignoring them.
• Instead of trying to clear the decks, choose a few important things and just work on those while leaving the other random to-dos undone; Practice putting up with the discomfort that there are so many loose ends.
  • Do your most valued activity first, as opposed to getting to it once your most urgent ones are done.
  • Don't work on too many things at once - just one or two so you can get it done.
  • Keep two to-do lists - one open and one closed; don't add a new task until one is completed
• Stop trying to bring the future under control with your present actions. Stop only doing things that set you up for a future that may never come. You do need to balance short-term and long-term, but make sure you're not mortgaging the present for the future.
• Set time boundaries for your work - only 50 minutes a day
• Strategically underachieve in a few areas that don't matter
• When bored or in times of uncertainty, get curious about what's happening around you (wonder what will happen next as opposed to hoping for a certain outcome to happen next)
• Practice not doing - when you keep taking action, you're likely to make some poor choices or hurrying things that can't be hurried

Mindwise: Why We Misunderstand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want - Nicholas Epley

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values - Fred Kofman

• Well-run companies have strong processes, keep people accountable, know how to hire the best employees and evaluate and develop them through feedback, coaching, and generous compensation. To win, it's important to help your employees succeed at scale
• If you have the right product for the right market at the right time, go as fast as you can

• People like being managed as long as they can (1) learn something from the manager and (2) the manager can help to make a decision
• Make sure your people feel valued when they are in the room with you. Listen and pay attention to your employees to show your appreciation; Care about the company and about people so the respect accrues to you. If you need to demand respect, something is off.
• Top priority of any leader is the well being and success of your people; Leadership is not about you, it’s about service to the company and your team
• To deepen relationships, start weekly meetings with trip reports or gratitude to each person on the team
• Lead from first principles: what immutable truths can everyone agree on
• Build trust - trust means people feel safe to be vulnerable and trust means you keep your word. Trust makes it easier for people to disagree with you. Deliberately create psychological safety and help employees be their authentic self
• Don’t wait to provide candid feedback but make sure the person feels safe; Couple constructive feedback with caring
• Be encouraging and demanding: set high standards and expectations AND support your people to get there
• Be the person who gives energy, not take it away - believe in people more than they believe in themselves; Help them be courageous
• When problems occur, focus on the team dynamics as opposed to the problem only. Ask: Was the right team in place? Did they have resources needed to succeed?
• Understand your job as a leader is to build teams, assess talent, and find doers; Everybody managing a function for the CEO should be better than the CEO at that function
• Hire for potential and experience

• Prioritization: ask him or her to list the top 5 things to discuss individually and then compare it to your list. Discuss any discrepancies.
• Performance: What are you working on? How is it going? How can I help? How are you doing on your KPIs (sales, product milestones, customer feedback, budget numbers, etc.)
• Relationships: Discuss peer relationships and team dynamics: are your teams clear on vision and goal? How are you getting along in key relationships (example: Product and Engineering, Marketing and Product, Sales and Engineering)?
• Leadership: Are you guiding and coaching your people? Are you weeding the bad ones? Are you working hard at hiring? Are you able to get your people to do heroic things?
• Innovation: Are you constantly moving ahead, thinking about how to get continually better? Are you constantly evaluating new tech, products, and practices? Do you measure yourself against the best in the industry/workd?

• Review, first and foremost, operations and tactics - what are the current crises? How are you managing them out of the way? How is hiring going? How are you developing your teams? How were the staff meetings going? Were you able to hear from everyone? What wasn't being said?
• Get everyone on the same page, get to the right debate on the most important issues, and make decisions

• Only coach the coachable: people who are curious and want to learn new things; show honesty and humility, work hard and perseveres, openness to other perspectives
• “A coach is someone who tells you what you don’t want to hear, who has you see what you don’t want to see, so you can be who you have always known you could be”
• People who generate a lot of BS are not coachable because they begin believing in their own BS
• Always get back to people
• Get to the point - talk about what's going on and what needs to be done
• When things don’t go your coachees' way, acknowledge it didn’t go their way, empathize it sucks when that happens, reminder to buck up and soldier one for the team

"People are the foundation of any company's success. The primary job of each manager is to help people be more effecive in their job and to grow and develop. We have great people who want to do well, are capable of doing great things, and come to work fired up to do them. Great people flourish in an environment that liberates and amplifies that energy. Managers create this environment through support, respect and trust.

Support means giving people the tools, information, training, and coaching they need to succeed. It means continuous effort to develop people's skills. Great managers help people excel and grow.

Respect means understanding people's unique career goals and being sensitive to their life choices. It means helping people achieve these career goals in a way that's consistent with the needs of the company.

Trust means freeing people to do their jobs and to make decisions. It means knowing people want to do well and believing that they will."

• Never put up with people who cross ethical lines - harassment or mistreatment should not be tolerated
• If you’re spending a lot of time managing a person or if the person consistently is looking out for their self interest as opposed to interest for the firm, it’s time to let the person go
• Employees who stop learning will eventually be unable to add value to the firm
• Recognize that letting people go is a failure of management - make sure people leave feeling respected with their heads held high; you can’t let them keep their job but you can let them keep their respect; Be clear about letting someone go upfront in the conversation and go through reasoning and provide details; Be respectful and understand that the firm is bigger than any one person

• Board serves the CEO and company
• Board meetings should start with operational updates: board needs to know how the company is doing so be honest and candid. Also, send pre-reading and remove board members who do not do the pre-assignment; Share lowlights along with highlights
• Board members should be smart people with good business experience who care about the company and helping the CEO

• Smart: the ability to get up to speed quickly in different areas and make connections
• Hardworking with integrity and grit
• Team player - willing to give things up for the good of the team and excited about other people's success
• Smart risk taker and willing to stand up for what is right
• Players who show up, work hard and have impact everyday - win right with commitment, integrity and teamwork - doesn’t fight for credit; treats everyone as a person

Have permission to be empathetic - “To care about people you have to care about people”

• Treat everyone with respect and care about the whole person which includes their families; get to really know the important people around your employees
• When an emergency happens, show up for people - drop what you’re doing and go
• To succeed, foster a team that cares for each other

Without a team, you can't be a leader. Effective leaders win by completing the mission.

As the leader, you are always responsible. It's not what you teach your team that sets the culture of your team, it's what you tolerate. As the leader, you must enforce the right standards. Be brutally honest about you and your team's ability. Again, you are responsible for the team.

To perform and win, you and your team need to stay well-conditioned physically and mentally.

As the leader, articulate the Why to get your team committed to the mission. If you and your team do not resolutely believe in the mission, it'll be very difficult to win. Take time to address questions and if you're not fully sure, figure out why you're doing what you're doing.

Understand human nature:

• People don't like to look bad or to confront the boss so make it safe for people to share information with you
• Ego clouds everything but never put your interest above the team's interest

When you are winning, know that you're not too good to fail so you guard against being complacent after winning.

Teamwork is paramount and as the leader, you must break down silos. Get your team members aligned on the overall mission and help them to recognize that you have to work together to win. You need to ensure that everyone understands the mission and the front line is clear about what you're looking to accomplish.

To empower your front line, decentralize your structure and leave tactics to your front line leaders - just make sure they are ready to take on that responsibility. Ask your junior leaders, what are you going to do? Why? As the leader, you have to back up your direct reports and to build trust to foster an open exchange of information. When you decentralize, ensure the chain of command is clear to help facilitate information and resources flow.

When you are overwhelmed, relax, step back, prioritize, and execute.

• Stop and assess then make the call
• Decide on the priority and focus your energy on that

The planning processes must be standardized and kept brief and concise:

• Choose the simplest and best course of action
• Emphasize the commander's intent and communicate to your team to cascade down that intention
• Create a process you can repeat

When leading down the chain of command, connect specific tasks and tactics to the big picture. When you need resources, lead up the chain of command by:

• Pushing situational awareness up to your leaders - invite your leaders to the field to see for themselves
• Supporting your leader even when the focus is not on you or your team's need

If you feel that you're being asked to over-report, it's probably because you're underperforming.

It's important for leaders to be decisive under uncertainty.

• You must dictate the situation and be proactive - don't just wait around for someone else to take the lead or solve the problem
• Decide - during crisis situations, you don't want to be seen as indecisive

We are hard-wired to connect with others. We all want love and belonging. Engage in your life from a place of worthiness - "I'm enough and deserve love and belonging." Be vulnerable. Fear, disengagement, and need for more courage are the main barriers to vulnerability. Be engaged and pay attention.

Shame is usually the cause of narcissism; we fear to be ordinary. The thought of being "not enough" constantly bombards us. The feeling of scarcity causes greed and jealousy and the opposite of scarcity is feeling you have enough.

Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure - we have to take off the mask and hope it's enough. We're all in and feel naked when everyone is fully clothed.

People are inspired by other people's vulnerability and ashamed of their own. "Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen." Vulnerability is life's great dare - be willing to show up and be all in. It is not about oversharing or sharing without boundaries.

Need to be vulnerable to build trust - look for ways to build trust with others. Disengagement is the biggest betrayal of trust. Make an effort with others - always engage fully ***

If we don't ask for support, we can't give freely. If we judge receiving, we judge when we give. ***

Don't weigh your worthiness based on spectators comments. Only when we are brave enough to explore our darkness will we see the power of our light. We need to get past shame to be truly vulnerable. If you're not good at being vulnerable, you are probably good at being ashamed.

Don't hitch your self-worth to your creations and products - the secret killer of creativity is shame.

Shame - we all have it, we are all afraid to talk about it. The more afraid we are to talk about shame, the more we are controlled by it. It is an intensely painful feeling that we are flawed and incapable of being loved. Shame is when we feel flawed, guilt is when we make a mistake.

Practice shame resilience - moving from shame to empathy

1. Recognize shame and understand triggers (biography and biology)
2. Practice critical awareness: assess the self-talk that's causing shame
3. Reach out: are you owning or sharing your story?
4. Speak in shame: are you talking about what you need?

How people typically deal with shame:

• Moving towards, Moving away, Moving against

Set and respect boundaries.

When you feel shame, get back to your thinking brain and adopt these strategies:

• Practice courage and reach out to someone who loves you
• Talk to self like you would comfort a friend
• Own the story so you can write the ending

12 shame categories:

• Appearance and body image
• Money and work
• Motherhood or fatherhood
• Family
• Parenting
• Mental or physical health
• Addiction
• Sex
• Aging
• Religion
• Surviving trauma
• Being stereotyped or labeled

Ignore comments from people "not in the arena".

Men and women experience shame differently:

• Women
  • Shame triggers: how they look and motherhood: expected and desired to be perfect but also needs to be done effortlessly
• Men:
  • When men share shame, they get punished. Shame is weakness so they can't show fear

We are hard on others because we are hard on ourselves; we criticize people in places where we feel vulnerable *** When you're stuck in shame, it's easy to denigrate others to make ourselves feel better.

Honest loving conversations helps reduce shame between couples. Real belonging doesn't mean disdain for those who are different.

People don't like other people who put on masks and armors of vulnerability. Take off the masks and armors by knowing that you are enough and worthy**.

Common masks and armors:
1. Foreboding Joy: when things are going well, we think something bad will happen. Joy brings out the vulnerable side because we fear loss. We get stuck in constant disaster planning and perpetual disappointment. We may even practice being devastated so vulnerability doesn't blindside us. Instead,

• Practice gratitude - be grateful for what you have; don't take it for granted
• Remember that joy comes in moments, ordinary moments
• Don't squander joy - lean into it

2. Perfectionism: It's usually not about striving for excellence but trying to get approval through high performance. Perfectionism is a form of shame; "if I look perfect, I can avoid shame, judgment, and blame". Instead,

• Appreciate the beauty of cracks and have self-compassion (self kindness, common humanity and mindfulness)
• Know that hustling is tiring - be real and stop doing the dance of worthiness
• Remember that perfection is the enemy of done, quick and dirty does the trick
• Use creation to overcome perfectionism

3. Numbing: Crazy busy is an addiction to numbing shame, anxiety, and disconnection. Instead,

• Set boundaries and limits - we need to know we are enough and not be afraid to set limits
• Find true comfort - it's not what you do but why you do it that matters; don't treat people like objects
• Cultivate spirit to soothe anxiety and change behavior that led to anxiety
• Know that connection is energy between people and belonging is a feeling of being part of something bigger.

4. Viking or victim: Either you win or lose; dominate or be dominated. Instead,

• Reflect on your definition of success
• Understand it's not always about survival

5. Letting it all hang out: Oversharing is not vulnerability. You can't use vulnerability to fast track a relationship. Using vulnerability is not the same as being vulnerable ***. Instead,

• Recognize that people need to earn the right for you to share their story
• Share stories that you have already worked through
• Clarify intentions - don't share fresh wounds. Share to teach, not to work through your own stuff
• Set boundaries
• Don't use vulnerability to manipulate or grab attention - question your intentions

6. Serpentining: Avoid trying to control or back out of a situation to avoid vulnerability. Clues to serpentining are lying and blaming. Instead, be present, pay attention, and move forward.

7. Cynicism, coolness, nonconformity: When someone else is daring, it might make you uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable. This leads to a tendency to put people down or downplay their efforts. Instead,

• Recognize there is nothing wrong with enthusiasm and engagement
• Take one step at a time and be resilient to shame; worthiness is my birthright**
• Only accept feedback from people in the arena
• Don't try to win over haters - there will always be people that are completely uncool to you ***

Strategy - what we want to achieve and plan to get there

Culture - who we are; the way we do things

Questions that Elicit Culture:

• What behaviors are rewarded and punished?
• Where are people actually spending their resources: time, money, attention?
• What rules and expectations are followed, enforced or ignored?
• Do people feel supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?
• What are the sacred cows? Who tips them? Who stands them back up?
• What stories are legend and what values do they convey?
• What happens when someone fails or makes a mistake?
• How is vulnerability and emotional exposure perceived?
• How prevalent is shame and blame and how often are they showing up?
• What is the collective tolerance for discomfort? (Learning new things)

The power of these questions helps us understand culture and compare aspirational values to practice values; the bigger the gap between what you say and do, the bigger the disengagement.

Creativity is stopped by fear of being ridiculed for different ideas.

Signs of shame in a culture:

• Blaming, gossiping, favoriting, belittling - if you're blaming, you're discharging pain and shame. Cover-ups are based on shame.

Support leaders who are shame resilient and open to bringing it into the conversation. Normalize discomfort and don't try to make everything easy and comfortable ***. View feedback from a strengths perspective -  three strengths and one opportunity for growth.

Don't BS and pretend **

When you shut down vulnerability, you close off opportunity; Build strong support networks. Don't major in being right; ask for help when you need it.

Parents can lead by example:

• Teach children to believe in their worthiness; don't make worthiness an "if I do X, then I'm worthy"
• When kids see you, ensure they see an "I'm glad to see you" face vs. a constant critical face
• When they make mistakes, see a good person with bad choices, not a bad person. Don't shame your kids or other parents for the choices they make. You may not know the context.
• Be vulnerable with kids, show them that you aren't afraid
• Understand that fitting in (being someone else) is the opposite of belonging (being good enough)
• Avoid rescuing and intervening because they are dangerous for kids. Gives hope to kids but don't disempower them

Hope happens when we set meaningful goals, create a good plan, and sincerely believe we can make it. It's important to believe in yourself so dare greatly and get in the arena.

Have a plan to become better. Don't just be busy because hard work doesn't guarantee success. Focus on growing not only on goals! It's hard to improve your circumstances if you're unwilling to improve yourself.

Growth gap traps

• Assume you will automatically grow
  • You must be intentional about your growth; stop waiting to become the person you want to be and start being him or her
• Don't know how to
  • It's time to learn the right lessons
• "it's not the right time to begin" or must find the best way before you start
  • There is a difference between deciding and doing: act immediately
  • The longer you wait to do something, the more likely it won't happen
  • Get moving first if you want to see more of the way
• Afraid to make mistakes
  • Growing is messy and you will probably look foolish
  • Get over your fear of mistakes and failures - welcome your mistakes
• Not inspired
  • No matter how you feel, just do it
  • Forget motivation - act yourself into feeling motivated
• Others are better than I am
  • Great men are willing to share their ideas - you can only learn if others are ahead of you
• I thought it would be easier than this
  • People take advantage of luck through preparation + opportunity + action

1. Law of Intentionality

Intentional personal growth

• Think about "how far can you go?" NOT "how long will this take?" Make the most out of what you been given.
• Do it now - say it 50 times day and night
• Face your fears and have faith you will conquer them - fear of failure, trading security for unknown, other people's view of you, the risk of alienating friends
• Change from accidental to intentional growth - insist on starting today and don't wait for growth to come; persevere and follow through; take risks
• You must know yourself to grow yourself - start with truth; Explore yourself as you explore growth - focus on your passion

3 kinds of people

1. People who don't know what they would like to do - dabble and drift
2. People who know what they would like to do but don't do it - frustrated
3. People who know what they would like to do and do it - work in areas that move them closer to their purpose

2. Law of Awareness

The first step towards change is awareness, then acceptance

How to find your passion and purpose

• Do you like what you're doing now? Examine why
• What would you like to do?
  • If you know your passion, you fulfill your potential; pay attention to what you love doing
• Can you do what you would like to do?
  • Make sure the desire you have matches your abilities.
• Do you know the difference between what you want and what you're good at?
  • They should match up
• Do you know what drives you and gives you satisfaction?
  • Make sure you are motivated by the work and not just the rewards of the work
  • Waste as little of your life as possible - discover then develop your uniqueness
• Do you know why you want to do what you want to do?
  • Provides a clear vision and look at your heart
• Do you know what to do so you can do what you want to do?
  • Picture where you are and then where you want to be. Be conscious of your choices. You can't win if you do not begin.
  • Get accountability - make your goals public and track your progress
  • As you take action, you'll attract like-minded people
• Do you know people who do what you would like to do?
  • Find people who do what you do excellently - be purposeful, reflective and grateful
  • Mentee: Be teachable, be prepared, set agenda by asking great questions, show what you have learned, and be accountable
  • Mentor: Add value, give advice, share resources - people, game plan, passion, feedback, encouragement, choices
• Should you do what you would like to do to them or with them
• Will you pay the price to do what you want to do?
  • Owe it to yourself to make your days here count - things worth doing seldom come easy
• When can you start doing what you want to do?
  • Why not now? Start. Nobody ever got ready by waiting
• What will it be like if you get to do what you want to do?
  • It will be more difficult. There will be expectations of you - things will also be better than you ever imagined

Streamlined version of questions

1. What would you like to do?
2. What talents and opportunities do you possess to support you?
3. What motivates you to want to do it?
4. What steps can you take now? Awareness, action, accountability
5. Whose advice can you get?
6. What are you willing to pay?
7. Where do you most need to grow?

3. Law of the Mirror

People don't reach their potential because of low self-esteem.

Ask yourself: Do you like what you see in the mirror?

Recognize your value and begin to add value to yourself. When you invest in yourself, you'll see more value in yourself (you are worth investing in). Don't live your lives according to what people expect of you. Be more concerned about what you think of yourself - you don't have to accept what people say you will be

Steps to build your self image:

• Guard your self-talk: self-talk comes from our upbringing; why needlessly add to your problems with negative self-talk
• Stop comparing yourself to others: you either become discouraged or proud; only compare yourself to you.
• Move beyond your limiting beliefs: believe you will be great; if you limit what you will do, you limit what you can do
  • Identify limiting belief
  • Determine how it limits you
  • Decide how you want to be
  • Create turnaround statement that restates who you want to be
• Add value to others: hard to feel bad about yourself if you do something good for someone else; also people will value you more
• Do the right thing even though it is hard: be true to yourself and your values
• Practice a small discipline daily in a specific area of your life: apply this in an area in your life that seems overwhelming
• Celebrate small victories; "it's good that I did that, it's good for me"
• Embrace a positive vision of your life
• Practice the one-word strategy: select one word to best describe you - what you focus on expands
• Take responsibility for your life
• Know that you matter.

Actions to Take:

• Make a list of your 100 best personal qualities: choose one word to best describe you
• Track your positive and negative self-talk
• Note different ways you add value to other people

4. Law of Reflection

Peter Drucker: follow effective action with quiet reflection to get even more effective action

• Stop, PAUSE and allow the lesson to catch up with us
• Always add value and exceed expectations
• Reflection turns experience into insight - evaluate your experience
• Pause with intention to enrich reflection and learning

When you take time to pause:

• Investigate - all truths are easy to understand once you discover them
• Incubate - Reflect on your experience of life and let the ideas that come up simmer in your mind
• Illuminate - Focus on insights that are relevant to you
• Illustrate - Flesh out key ideas: everyone is looking but not seeing; ask yourself good questions

Personal Awareness Questions

• What is my biggest asset?
• What is my biggest liability?
• What is my highest high?
• What is my lowest low?
• What is my most worthwhile emotion?
• What is my least worthwhile emotion?
• What is my best habit?
• What is my worst habit?
• What is most fulfilling?
• What do I prize most highly?

Ask yourself questions in the area you want to reflect on.

Personal growth questions

• Do I practice the 15 laws of growth?
• Which do I do best? Weakest?
• Am I growing daily?
• What am I doing to grow?
• How am I growing?
• What are the roadblocks?
• Am I passing it forward?

You won't get far without a clear mission: What is your passion? What have you achieved? What are the shoulds that have followed you?

Have you created a place where you can reflect? Schedule time to pause and reflect

• The wise man questions himself, the fool others - ask yourself tough questions

5. Law of Consistency

Motivation gets you going, discipline keeps you going.

How to be more consistent and disciplined

Know the what, how, where and when

• Do you know what you need to improve?
  • Develop yourself to be successful, when you expand, you open up possibilities
• Do you know how you're supposed to improve?
  • Match your motivation to your personality type
    • Phlegmatic: need to see the value of doing something
    • Choleric: make decisions quickly but will not participate if not in charge
    • Sanguine: life of every party - likes rewards
    • Melancholy: attention to detail, perfectionist - focus on details

A common mistake is attempting too much too soon.

• Need to be patient. Impatience stems from unrealistic expectations - don't give up too soon.
• Life goals are reached by annual goals, daily goals and habits - focus on today

In addition to How and What, it's important to know Why because it gives you staying power. Take the WHY Test:

• Do you constantly procrastinate on important tasks?
• Do you require coaxing to do small chores?
• Do you only complete your duties to get by?
• Do you talk negatively about your work?
• Do efforts of friends to encourage you irritate you?
• Do you start small projects and abandon them?
• Do you avoid self-improvement opportunities?

Understand the relationship between motivation and discipline. Give yourself more and bigger whys because small steps compound. Be consistently productive: greats are inspired because they are working and not working because they are inspired. Develop the habits of success because your habits lead to your destiny.

Don't be goal conscious, be growth conscious. Keep growing beyond your goals - don't set goals that are too small. Develop a daily growth system that plays to your personality strengths.

6. Law of Environment

If you're always at the head of the class, you are in the wrong class! Change your environment and move to a larger pond. Change depends on your choices. Impossible to grow without changing. Change your attitude.

Six choices to be in a better environment**

1. Access your environment and why you want to change - change for the sake of change won't help you
   • What songs and ideas lift and speak to me?
   • What experiences lift me?
   • What dreams inspire me?
   • Who cares for and supports me?
2. Change yourself and your environment: growth will be faster if you change both. This accelerates chance for success. In a growth environment, people are ahead of me and growth is modeled and accepted
   • How do you get a poker hot? Put it next to the fire. Spend time with great people, books, and tapes
3. Change who you spend your time with: people who you associate with are your reference group.
   • Associate with expansive people further along in their growth journey than you - people who are positive, more successful, have integrity and constantly growing.
   • Find accountability partner that desires your success and willing to help you
4. Challenge yourself in your new environment: need to be intentional to find those growth opportunities.
   • Create deadlines and make your goals public
   • Look for one major growth opportunity every week - schedule a learning lunch with your mentor(s)
   • Questions to ask:
     • What are your strengths
     • What are you learning now?
     • What do I need right now?
     • Who have they met? What have they read? What have you done that has helped you?
     • What haven't I asked that I should have?
5. Focus on the moment: the happiest moment is this moment. Don't worry about past or future since you can't influence it directly.
6. Move forward despite criticism: don't wait, create the life you want. Whatever course you decide upon, someone will always tell you that you're wrong. Someone's opinion of you does not have to be your reality - make your own decisions.

Create a growth environment for others - growth should be encouraged, modeled and expected.

1. Apply the law of environment: Are the following true?

• Others are ahead of me
• I am continually challenged
• The firm's focus is forward
• The atmosphere is affirming
• I'm often out of my comfort zone
• I wake up excited
• I understand failure is not the enemy
• I see others are growing
• People around me desire change
• Positive growth is modeled and expected

2. Assess your personal growth needs:

• Are you in the right soil to grow in?
• Who do you know is better than you? Who is stretching you?

3. Set goals that challenge you and are beyond your current capabilities

7. Law of Design

To maximize growth, develop strategies.

Spend time reviewing your calendar and evaluate each entry - look at meetings, appointments, and other activities. Account for every waking hour in the previous years.

1. Life is very simple but keeping it that way is difficult - know your values and make key decisions based on those values to help you manage those decisions

• Can it be received personally?
• Can it be repeated easily?
• Can it be transferred strategically?

2. Designing your life is more important than designing your career - customize your growth

3. Life is not a dress rehearsal: Most successful execs say they should have taken charge of their life earlier - better health, more time with family and personal development, more fun, better career planning, and give more back

4. Multiply everything by 2 - important things in life take longer and cost more. Plan to take double the time you expected - infuse realism to your optimism.

Systems allow people to best leverage time, money, and other resources. Create and use systems to be efficient - capture the best thoughts and ideas you've come across. Look at your calendar and highlight the main events that help you target what you want.

Developing effective systems:

1. Ask "what is the most valuable use of my time right now?" Use your response to shape the system you use. Identify when your prime productive time is.
2. If you say yes too easily, create a screening system and maintain your priorities
3. Effective systems include measurement. If you can't measure it, you can't understand it, you can't control it, you can't improve it. Measurement makes a difference
4. Effective systems include application: need to start you doing something. What are you going to do? Need both plan and action.
5. Effective systems employ organization - set your priorities and spend your time
6. Effective systems promote consistency - if you want to succeed in the long run, be disciplined to follow through. Consistency is usually not exciting but the results can be very exciting.

Seek out principles that stand the test of time and customize approaches to best fit you. Whatever good things you build will end up building you. Are you designing strategies for your life?

Refine systems that will:

• Maximize your time
• Paint the big picture and ensure your values and priorities are consistent.
• Measure the outcomes
• Be biased towards action
• Organize you
• Be repeatable, simple, and straightforward

8. Law of Pain

Good management of bad experiences leads to great growth. Every problem introduces a person to himself. I try to take life one day at a time but some days just attack me. The pain of competence, disappointment, conflict, change, bad health, hard decisions, financial loss, relationship losses, not being the best, traveling, responsibility

No one likes it when they are in the middle of a bad experience. If they handle it well, it becomes a nice war story.

How to turn your pain into gain

1. Choose a positive life stance: Life is not the way it is supposed to be, it is the way it is. You can decide how you cope with it - life is filled with good and bad.
2. Embrace and develop your creativity: Make the most out of bad experiences by finding opportunities and possibilities.
3. Learn from bad experiences: You never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more the chance of doing so (Kettering).
4. Make good changes after learning from bad experiences: Bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.
5. Take responsibility for your life: don't be a victim - be accountable for your life. No insight is valuable to you if you don't change your actions accordingly.

9. Law of the Ladder

Character growth determines the height of your personal success. Base business dealings on values and principles - use mastermind groups. Focus more on character than on competence.

Honesty is the characteristic that most enhances personal reputations - need to trust and be honest with yourself.

Character ladder

• I will focus on being better on the inside than on the outside - what we do or neglect to do affects our lives. Before you can DO, you must BE.
• I will follow the golden rule because people matter.
• I will teach only what I believe because passion matters
• I will value humility above all others because perspective matters. Everyone has weaknesses so admit to your weaknesses, be patient with other peoples weaknesses and be open to feedback. Be teachable and willing to serve others because it's not all about you. Be grateful because those who drink the water must remember those who dug the well.
• I will strive to finish well because faithfulness matters - live to the highest standard continually.

Pay attention to your potential more than to your success - be who you should be, not only where you want to be.

Access where your focus has been:

• How much did you spend on learning vs. material things?
• How much time are you spending to serve others?

10. Law of the Rubberband

Need to keep band stretched from where you are to where you want to be. Life begins at the end of our comfort zone. God's gift to us is our potential, our gift to God is to develop it. Focus on building a legacy.

Remember that rubber bands are useful only when they are stretched.

• People rarely want to stretch - most people only use a fraction of their ability. Don't settle for average in life (being top of the bottom is not an accomplishment).
• Settling for the status quo leads to dissatisfaction - have the courage to go outside of your comfort zone. Everyone has a dream but few pursue it - measure yourself against yourself.
• Stretching always requires change - "yesterday ended last night". Your history is not your destiny.
• Stretching sets you apart from others - do the extra work and be excellent.
• Everything that ceases to struggle rapidly deteriorates - strive to be better tomorrow than you are today. "The greatest enemy of tomorrow's success is today's success." (Drucker?)
• Stretching gives you a shot at significance - "a possibility is a hint from God, we must follow it." Growth stops when you lose the tension from where you are and where you want to be.

Assess your stretch:

• Where have you stopped stretching?
• Continually reset intermediate range goals - make barely within reach

11. Law of Tradeoffs

Need to give up some things you value to grow up.

We all make tradeoffs in life: failures make bad tradeoffs, averages make few tradeoffs and successfuls make good tradeoffs. We don't always get what we want but we always get what we choose.

When faced with a tradeoff:

• What are the pluses and minuses?
• Will I go through this change or GROW through this change?

When you want something you've never had, you've got to make changes you've never done. Change is not easy but it can always be done - if we cannot change the situation, we can change ourselves.

Changing before you have to usually leads to a gain. Changing after you have to usually leads to a loss. **

Tradeoffs are not irreversible. Make a u-turn. You cannot always make a new start but you can make a new end.

The higher you climb the harder the tradeoffs. Don't use your success as an excuse to coast. The skills that got you here won't get you there.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. No matter what we choose, it will change us. Not everything is worth trading. Create an environment that will prevent bad tradeoffs - for example, your significant other should have veto rights over your schedule.

Good trades

• Give up financial security today for potential tomorrow: value opportunity over security because the only job security is personal development.
• Give up immediate gratification for personal growth: there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
• Give up the fast life for the good life: live in the place you belong, with the people you like, doing what you want on purpose. Create capacity in your life by delegating all the things you're not the best at and work with people you like.
• Give up security for significance: measure progress by significance. Make a difference, not just a living.
• Give up addition for multiplication: what can I do WITH others as opposed to FOR others.  Equip other people - explore and develop your leadership skills.

Remember that you can't do everything at once. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Move up and not down. Freedom at the top.

12. Law of Curiosity

Growth is stimulated by asking why. Curiosity opens options - "all meaningful and lasting change starts first in your imagination" - Einstein

How to cultivate curiosity

1. Believe you can be curious
2. Have a beginner's mindset: wonder why and ask questions, be open and vulnerable, have a great attitude and release the desire to look good
3. Make WHY your favorite word. Don't just give answers - explore and evaluate what you discover
4. Spend time with other curious people
5. Learn something new every day - experience something different - wake up with an attitude of openness, keep eyes and ears open, reflect and think about your new experience - apply what you learn and evaluate the highlights
6. Partake in the fruit of failure - people who grow and develop see failure as a process. See failure as a friend to be embraced.
7. Stop looking for the right answer - always more than one solution to the problem. If it ain't broke, how can we make it better or when is it likely to break? Challenge the rules and the status quo process
8. Get over yourself - be like children and just ask. Don't be afraid to look foolish. It is better to look uninformed than to be uninformed - be solution oriented
9. Be an abundant thinker - "how can I?" As opposed to "can I? "
10. Enjoy your life - desire to know why

Assess your curiosity:

• Where do you focus most of your time and energy? Always keep a beginners mind no matter how expert you get.
• Make a list of the people you spend the most time with each week - are they curious and like to learn new things?
• Are you afraid to fail or do you take yourself too seriously? Do something that is completely out of your comfort zone

13. Law of Modeling

Read and summarize action points of books that interest you - take action on what you learn as fast as possible.

Need to find models of people who are ahead of you to follow - learn from books and connect with people. Be selective when choosing a mentor.

Criteria for mentors

• A good mentor is a worthy example: we become like the people we follow - look at both their personal and professional lives.
• A good mentor is available - need time to ask questions. Don't shoot too high too soon because you need to find people available, experienced and willing.
• A good mentor has proven experience: "to know the road ahead, ask those coming back" - learn from more experienced people.
• A good mentor possesses wisdom and knows where to tap. Never confuse the giftedness of the person with the person.
• A good mentor provides friendship and support: a mentor should care for the other person. Great things happen when we stop seeing ourselves as God's gift to others and others as God's gift to us. Cultivate a desire to learn something from every person you meet
• A good mentor is a coach that makes a difference in people's lives. They help to carry a value person from where they are to where they want to be.

Five common characteristics of fantastic coaches

• Cares for the other person
• Observes behavior, attitude, and performance
• Aligns coachees with their strengths for peak performance
• Communicates and gives feedback about performance
• Helps them to improve life and performance

Nobody is an entire orchestra, everyone is a musician. Take away a musician and the orchestra doesn't work.

Working with a mentor

• Come prepared with 3-5 thoughtful questions and apply the answers.
• Set another meeting and repeat
• Find mentors in different areas of your life: make a list of the strengths you want to improve and weaknesses where you need guidance

14. Law of Expansion

Potential within us is limitless - we usually create our own limits.

How to increase your thinking capacity**

1. Stop thinking MORE work and start thinking WHAT works. Choose the better strategy - hardwork is not always the answer.

Questions to figure out what works:

• What am I required to do?
• What gives greatest return?

2. Replace "can I?" with "how can I?" Give yourself a chance to overcome - what would you attempt if you knew you couldn't fail? Test your limits

3. Stop thinking one door and start thinking many doors. Look for multiple answers. People need to act on their dream and they formulate the details NOT waiting for the secret formula to their dreams. Give yourself options - if you can change your thinking, you can change your life

4. Stop doing what you were doing before and do something new. A master doesn't become a master overnight - apprentice, journeyman, master. Should I enjoy my life or expand it?

5. Stop doing what is expected and do more of what is not expected - help more, do more, give more - strive

6. Stop doing important things occasionally and start doing important things daily. Make your life a masterpiece. Thoreau: advance confidently in dreams - do the right thing always. "Thank you I notice" notes - make progress until the day you die

7. Believe that You can do it

Review your effectiveness:

• What takes you a long time?
• What changes do you need to make?

Plan a system to do what is important daily

• Choose and display right attitudes
• Determine and Act on important priorities
• Know and follow healthy guidelines
• Communicate and care for family
• Practice and develop good thinking
• Make key proper commitments
• Earn and properly manage finances
• Deepen and live out faith
• Initiate and invest in solid relationships
• Plan for and model generosity
• Embrace and practice good values
• Seek and experience improvements

15. Law of Contribution

Growing yourself enables you to grow others. Help others because we are all one.

What good should I do today - what good did I do today? Model the right behavior for others - be a mentor for others. Be a river, not a reservoir. Give as your receive - abundance mindset.

Cultivate an attitude of contribution

1. Be grateful - no one succeeds alone. There is no success without sacrifice. If we do succeed, then someone before us sacrificed for them.
2. Put people first - tender with young, compassionate with aging, sympathetic with striving, tolerant of weak and strong.
3. Don't let stuff own you - haves, have-nots, have not paid for what they haves - owning things doesn't bring satisfaction. There is a time to acquire and a time to give it away. Give away valuable things to fight greed.
4. Don't let people own you - always give more than you receive and don't keep score. Do this for everyone including your employer.
5. Define success as sowing, not reaping.
6. Focus on self-development NOT self-fulfillment - focus on how something helps you to serve others. Your talent is your responsibility.
7. Keep growing to keep giving - play to win as opposed to playing not to lose. The greatest gift you can give to others is your own personal development - your life belongs to the community.

Put people first in your life - where are they on your list of goals?

People are influenced by the context their choices are framed in (Be a choice architect)

No such thing as a neutral design since we have built-in biases (example: vertical lines look longer than horizontal lines)

• Small details can have a strong impact
• Everything matters which allows you to "nudge" others - not about taking away option

Two systems:

• Automatic system - unconscious, skill, gut feelings (humans)
• Reflective system - conscious, rule following, analyzing ("econs" - completely rational beings)

Three rules of thumb that we use (biases)

• Anchoring: start with some number you know and adjust; You can nudge others by choosing the starting point (if you want the number to be higher, start with a high number)
• Availability: likelihood of risks are based on how available they are in our experience; chance of dream job not high because examples are not available; easily remembered events inflate people's assessment of the possibility of occurrence; focus on true possibilities
• Representativeness: similarity: how similar is A to B based on our stereotypes - Tall basketball players. We often see patterns after looking at the results - streak shooting is a myth. People are unrealistically optimistic (businesses staying in business, smokers getting cancer).

Status quo bias: people lack attention to change the status quo; leverage this bias by setting the best possible defaults!**

People hate losses and to give up things:

• "If you save energy, you'll save $300" is a weaker statement than "if you don't save energy, you'll lose $300".
• Framing - 90 of 100 alive vs 10 of 100 are dead.

To resist temptation, during your "cold" state, make plans to mitigate temptations. When you are in the hot state, it's hard for you to make the right decisions.

• Far-sighted planner vs myopic doer.
• Easy to go into mindless doing (eating) - large plates mean more eating.

Mental accounting: we keep track of score in our mind

When gambling, people earmark funds that they've won and will treat those funds more recklessly.

Couples who look alike end up being happier.

Social influence is a strong persuader - we like to conform especially if others can see our choices**

• People tend to eat more when they eat with others as opposed to eating alone. Other people's habits are contagious. Obesity is contagious.
• Academic success depends on academic habits of roommates.
• Consistent and unwavering people can move people in groups that's why you want to present confidently. Sharief - people want to conform.

Spotlight effect - people change behavior or conform when they feel everyone is paying attention to them. People pay less attention to you than you think but you perceive them to pay more attention than you think.

• Show previously downloaded or # of ratings to influence.
• Don't mess with Texas campaign.
• Don't let people know their actions are better than the norm - they want to normalize to the group average.

Advertisers tell you what most people are doing to influence you. Be wary of herd behavior. To nudge others, inform people of what other people are doing. Emphasize that other people are doing what you recommend.