At the time, it sounded impossible and definitely not for me. I could barely swim a lap. I didn't run or cycle. Then I forgot about it entirely.

Eight years ago, a good friend talked me into going for a run. I was busy and I needed the exercise. I completed about one mile, in my basketball sneakers, and was winded.

Last month, I finished my first full Ironman.

How did I go from a one-mile run to an Ironman? I just didn't stop what I started. 

As we continued running, we naturally ran further. Then we decided to sign up with other friends for a half marathon, mostly for fun. Learning about structured running plans made a full marathon seem reasonable. Then a first triathlon, out of curiosity, and mainly to give my knees a break. None of it was planned, and each step turned out to be an extension of what I was already doing. By the time I signed up for an Ironman, it wasn't a leap. It was the next logical step.

What looks impossible from a distance is usually just a lot of small steps away. 

That's one of the lessons I learned, and there were others. Whatever you're in the middle of right now — a book, a business, a degree, a health change, a relationship you're trying to rebuild — I hope some of these are useful.

Start where you are, and give yourself a way to see progress.

We all have different starting points and limits. For me, it was running continuously for a mile. I didn't think about the mile as a smaller version of a bigger goal. It was the goal, and completing one mile well is what made more miles possible.

As I followed the training plan, each week of running slightly extended what my body could handle inside the same hour I already had. I wasn't finding more time — I was increasing my capacity and doing more with the same amount of time. That's the part people miss when they look at a big goal and do the math on their calendar. The constraint usually isn't the hours you have. It's what you can do with them — and that's trainable.

The mile also gave me something to track, and tracking it turned out to matter. My motivation didn't come from wanting it badly enough — it came from watching the number move. Three miles when two used to be hard. Finishing a mile in less time. Seeing that progress made me want to go out again, and going out again gave me more progress to see. Enthusiasm, for me, typically follows progress, and progress comes from getting started.

Which means you don't have to feel ready, and you don't have to want it enough yet. I certainly didn't. A friend asked, I said yes, and a mile was just where my body gave out. The starting point doesn't need to be the right one, only an honest one — whatever you can actually do today, rather than what you feel should be within reach.

The trap is comparing where you are to where you'd like to end up, deciding the gap is ridiculous, and never starting. The better question isn't how do I get from here to there? It's what's the thing in front of me that starts the compounding? Then do it long enough that it stops being a decision you have to make.

Work with how you're wired, and know what you can't teach yourself.

One thing I figured out over these eight years: signing up for a race is what makes me focus.

I noticed it by seeing the opposite. In the stretches when I had nothing on the calendar, training was easy to push off. And when I did train, it wasn't really training — I'd go to the gym and do roughly what I'd done the week before, which feels productive and gets you nowhere in particular. Once I'm signed up and there's a specific date, that changes. The plan for each week becomes clear. With only a limited number of Saturdays, Saturday's long ride has a job to do.

But deadlines work for me. They might do nothing for you. I know plenty of people who get stressed out by deadlines. Figure out what works for you — maybe it's telling someone you don't want to disappoint, or taking on the challenge with a friend. There's no right answer here, and that's the point. The mistake is borrowing someone else's method, watching it fail to take, and concluding you're not the kind of person who can do these things.

So look at your own evidence first. Think of two or three things where you had strong follow through. What was in place? A deadline? A person? A group? Money on the line? Real curiosity? Whatever shows up more than once is your lever, and you can use it on purpose instead of hoping it turns up again by accident.

Knowing your lever gets you moving. It won't tell you what to do once you're moving, and that's a different problem.

The clearest example for me was swimming. When I signed up for my first triathlon, I could barely get across one length of a pool without being completely exhausted. The date on the calendar is what made me deal with that rather than hope it would sort itself out, and it pushed me to get some swimming coaching.

I learned that the difference wasn't fitness. It was technique. I'd assumed I was a bad swimmer because I wasn't strong enough in the water, when really I just didn't know how to move through it efficiently. You can't solve that by kicking harder. I could have practiced swimming poorly for years, gotten more tired, and taken it as proof I wasn't built for swimming. What I needed wasn't more effort. It was someone who could see what I was doing and tell me what to change — which is the part you can't do for yourself, no matter how motivated you are.

If you're in the same spot with swimming, I'd recommend the Total Immersion approach; it completely changed how I thought about moving through water.

Do what you want, not what you like.

I like sleeping in. I like fries at lunch. I like almost anything more than waking up at 5am for a long bike ride. Those are things I like. Finishing an Ironman without being destroyed was something I wanted. So I got up.

Nearly every training day came down to a contest between something I liked and something I wanted, and the thing I liked was always more comfortable and more convenient. What helped me was naming which one I was reaching for — only one of them moved me closer to a strong finish.

But the thing I was really practicing wasn't discipline. It was getting my mind to take direction from me rather than the other way around. My mind produced excellent arguments: you're tired, you deserve a break, one day won't matter, you'll double up tomorrow. They're persuasive because they're built by someone who knows exactly what you'll fall for. The skill is being able to hear all of it and still do the thing you decided.

The workout was rarely the hard part. The hard part was the twenty minutes beforehand, going back and forth over whether today counted. The debate you have with yourself is expensive. It burns the same energy you were about to spend, and you usually end up training anyway, just later and in a worse mood. At some point, I learned to recognize when I was negotiating with myself and practiced short circuiting that conversation.

Showing up isn't the same as going hard, though. Being tired is real information — it's just information about how to train, not whether to. Some days that meant an easy effort instead of the planned one. Some days it meant resting on purpose, as part of the plan, rather than as the result of losing an argument with myself.

None of this is about proving your worth by how much you can push through — taken too far, that's just self-punishment, and it can do real damage. The point is narrower. You want to be someone whose own decisions get carried out. There's a real difference between intending to do something and committing to it, and the gap between those two is where most goals quietly die. Close it enough times and you start to trust yourself — which is worth more than any single thing you finish.

The cost shows up before the benefit does.

There were months when I felt slower than I'd been a few weeks earlier and quietly wondered whether I was training wrong, or whether I just wasn't built for this distance. My confidence dipped right when I was putting in the most work.

Here's what I learned: training doesn't make you stronger. Training makes you tired. You get stronger afterward, while you recover, if you give it enough rest and food and time. So the weeks where I felt the worst were often the weeks I was working hardest. You pay the cost before the benefit shows up, and the benefit tends to arrive around the time you've stopped paying attention.

Knowing that didn't make those months feel better. But it changed what I concluded from them, which turned out to matter more. Feeling slow stopped being evidence about me and started being information about where I was in the cycle.

I'd like to say I could always tell the difference between a rough stretch and something actually being wrong. Mostly I couldn't. What helped was having a plan I trusted and people I could ask, so the question didn't have to be settled by whatever I happened to feel that week.

So if you're struggling with something that matters, that isn't necessarily evidence you chose wrong. More often it means you're working at the edge of what you can currently do. That's uncomfortable by design, and it's the only way capacity grows.

Find a pace you can hold, and the fuel to hold it.

For most of the eight years, I thought about training almost entirely in terms of fitness. Get stronger, build the aerobic base, log the miles. Pacing and fueling barely registered — they sounded like details you'd sort out later, once the real work was done.

That's fine for a half-marathon and even a half-Ironman. At Ironman distance it falls apart, and a coach at my local triathlon club was blunt about why. The day is long enough that you can be genuinely fit and still not finish. You go out at a pace that feels easy. You don't eat enough in the first few hours because you don't feel like you need it. Then somewhere on the run you run out of gas — not tired, empty — and once you're there, no amount of fitness or willpower gets you back.

I saw it on the course. People who passed me climbing a hill, clearly stronger riders than I was, lying on the side of the road thirty miles later.

So he taught me to hold an effort that feels too easy for the first several hours, and to eat and hydrate on a schedule rather than by appetite. Both feel wrong at the time. Both are the reason I was still moving at hour thirteen.

I think about this constantly now as I pursue other ambitious projects. For anyone in the middle of something long, what sinks people is rarely a lack of capability or effort. It's not going the distance — starting too hard and having nothing left before the thing is done.

So it's worth asking: is your current pace one you can sustain for what you're actually pursuing? And what's refueling you along the way? For some it's sleep. For others, supportive relationships, or unstructured time.

Pacing and fueling matter more if you're going a long way, and taking that seriously changed the question I ask myself. It's no longer how much can I get done this week. It's what capacity am I building over the next few years.

Learn to relax when things go wrong.

For most people, the first time you do the Ironman is the first time you do the full distance. I swam, biked, and ran a lot, but I'd never done all three back to back at that distance. So a good part of race day was going to be things I hadn't experienced before, and no amount of preparation was going to change that.

It started early. I took a foot to the head during the swim, which happens in a mass start and still comes as a surprise.

I'd also come into the race with a strained hamstring, which changed the plan before it started. I rode the bike conservatively and stopped more than I'd wanted to, not because I was tired but because I wasn't sure the leg would hold.

It held. By the time I started the run I felt good. The hamstring was tight but fine, I had enough in the tank, and for the first time all day I thought I was going to finish comfortably.

Then, about halfway through the marathon, I felt a sharp pain in my right knee.

I stopped. I walked. I started doing the math on the cutoff, trying to work out whether walking thirteen miles would get me in before midnight, and whether running on the knee would do real damage. I didn't have good answers to either. I also wasn't sure whether the leg would simply stop working and take walking off the table too.

What got me moving wasn't resolve. It was something smaller: I dropped my shoulders, slowed my breathing, and accepted that my knee was going to hurt. Then I took a step, and another, and tried a few different paces until I found one it would tolerate. Nothing about the situation changed. The knee hurt for the rest of the race. But I could keep going, which was the best thing I could hope for.

When something goes wrong, relaxing rarely feels like an option. It feels like the opposite of what the moment calls for — you want to do something, fix it, take action. Tensing up at least feels like a response. But most of that energy goes into the reaction rather than the problem, and on a long day, energy is the thing you have least of.

The specific problem you'll face is one you probably haven't rehearsed. What you can rehearse is how you meet it — and it's worth practicing when the stakes are low. The delayed flight, the email you didn't want, the plan that falls through, the bad weather. Those are chances to notice the tightening and let it go before it costs you anything.

The rest of that marathon was stop, walk, run, and repeat, with the crowd's encouragement and adrenaline carrying me for most of the way. I finished, and finished stronger than I expected to given the knee. Seeing my family at the line was the best part of the day. Unfortunately for them, they had to help me walk my bike and carry my gear back to the hotel, which tells you something about how strong the finish actually was.

Snap back to the moment.

Lake Placid is a beautiful course — too bad I spent long stretches of it in my head.

I'd look at my watch at mile 85 and wish it said 110. I'd replay the fries I'd eaten the day before and blame them for my stomach issues. I'd wonder whether the hotel exercise bike I'd used on vacation the week before explained the pain in my knee.

And here's what I noticed: the more I did that, the longer the day got. Time crawled whenever I was thinking about where I wanted to be instead of just being in it. When I was actually in it — the road, the effort, the lake off to my right — time moved. I'd felt the same thing during training. Whenever I focused on how much was left, it felt like a burden. When I came back to the thing I was doing, the hour just passed.

Staying present sounds easy. It isn't. What helped was asking myself a question, over and over: What am I doing right now? Running. Toward the finish. That's it.

What surprised me wasn't that things went better when I was present. It was how rarely I noticed I'd left. The tell for me is a heaviness that doesn't match what I'm actually doing. Catching that, and coming back, is what I'm practicing daily.

It's on you, and it's a team effort.

Nobody could do my training for me. Not my family, not a coach, not a well-built plan. If I didn't get out the door, nothing happened. On race day, I was the one at the start line and the one crossing the finish. It's easy to look at that and think you did it all yourself.

Triathlon looks like an individual sport, and it turned out not to be one. Almost none of the eight years happened without other people in them.

My family gave up weekends so I could disappear on long training days, and nobody made that an argument. Friends helped me pick out a bike and rode some of the long ones with me, which is the only reason a few of them happened at all. The coaches who fixed my stroke and drilled me on fueling prevented me from hitting the wall mid-race. And on race day there were volunteers who'd signed up to spend their Sunday helping strangers. One of them peeled the wetsuit off me after the swim, which would otherwise have cost me several graceless minutes and a good deal of composure.

None of that was help I went looking for. Most of it I didn't ask for and some of it I didn't notice at the time. But it's the reason the whole thing worked, and it's changed how I think about my own effort. Since then I've started looking back at other things I've finished and counting the people who contributed. There are always more than I would have guessed.

Challenge the story you're telling yourself.

I opened with what I said when I first heard what an Ironman involved: not for me. I wasn't weighing it and deciding against it. I'd dismissed it immediately.

That's usually what stops us. Not the difficulty of the thing — a quiet belief about ourselves that closes the question early. I'm not athletic. I'm not a writer. I'm too old to start. I'm not that disciplined. Those feel like observations. Mostly they're claims we've never actually checked.

I'd believed a version of this about age, too. I assumed my peak years were a decade or two behind me and that everything from here was a slow decline. But I'm a better swimmer, cyclist, and runner now than I've ever been, and I got there well into my forties. Not faster — better. Skill doesn't seem to decline on the same schedule as speed, and I hadn't considered that.

Natalie Grabow didn't learn to swim until she was 59. At 80, she finished the Ironman World Championship in Kona, the oldest woman ever to do it. What I find striking isn't the finish. It's that at 59 she must have had every reason to think swimming was something for other people, and she went and learned anyway. Almost nobody who finishes a hard thing had a special starting point.

I'm not sure any of us fully knows what we're capable of. What I am sure of is that most of the limits I've assumed about myself were never tested — they were just sentences I'd accepted at some point and stopped questioning.

It's worth asking what you've already ruled out, and whether you've ever tested it.

One last thing

Rather than asking what you'd like to accomplish, here's a question I think is more useful:

What are you already doing that's worth continuing?

I didn't set out to do any of this. I went running with a friend and kept going. Somewhere in your life there's probably something you do inconsistently, don't take very seriously, and would be glad to still be doing in eight years. Protecting that is probably worth more than anything new you could add.

The first step is usually smaller and less impressive than you'd expect. Mine was a mile, and it left me winded.

Finally, none of these lessons showed up during the race. They showed up afterward, when I sat down and asked what had actually gotten me there. That's been true every time — after my first book, after my second, and after paying close attention to someone worth learning from, like William Zinsser. The experience by itself doesn't teach you much. Reflecting on it is what turns one into the other.

So whatever you've finished recently — a project, a hard season, something that didn't go the way you wanted — give it an hour and a blank page. Ask what you'd tell someone who was about to do the same thing. You'll know more than you think you do.

The post Lessons Learned Going From One Mile to an Ironman appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

1. Your Starting Point Matters — But What You Do Next Matters More

Buffett begins with something we often forget: luck.

He’s candid about his advantaged upbringing and grateful for the environment that allowed him to thrive. But he didn’t coast. He used what he had — opportunities, relationships, teachers, mentors — and worked consistently over decades. Even at 95, he still goes into the office five days a week.

Take a moment and acknowledge the advantages and outside influences that helped you get here. Then remember: disadvantages don’t have to stop you. Progress comes from what you do with what you have.

Buffett puts it well:

“You will never be perfect, but you can always be better.”

Life won’t be fair, but it will teach you.

2. "Get the Right Heroes and Copy Them"

Buffett frequently mentioned the people who have shaped him — Charlie Munger, Don Keough, Tom Murphy, Stan Lipsey, and others.

Not one of them is known for flashiness or fame. They’re known for character, a quality that Buffett values.

Try this right now:

Write down three people you admire and the quality you admire most about each.
Then ask: How can I practice one of these qualities this week?

3. Don’t Let Past Mistakes Define You

Buffett opens his final thoughts with a reminder we all need:

“Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes – learn at least a little from them and move on.” 

Any time you mess up, take these two essential steps:

• Learn from it
• Move on

The key is remembering to do both quickly.

4. Know What You Want Your Obituary to Say

Buffett tells the story of Alfred Nobel accidentally reading his own obituary — and being horrified by what it said. That moment pushed him to reshape his life’s direction.

His challenge to us:

“Decide what you would like your obituary to say and live the life to deserve it.” 

A few questions worth sitting with:

• What would I want my obituary to say?

• Who would I want delivering my eulogy — and what would I want them to say?

• Are my daily actions moving me toward that version of myself?

If not, today is a good day to realign.

5. Be Kind and Compassionate (Especially When It’s Inconvenient)

Buffett reminds us that:

"Kindness is costless but also priceless."

It’s easy to be kind to people we like or people we care about impressing. But true compassion shows up when there’s nothing to gain.

A simple question to consider:

How can I be kind to someone I might normally overlook?

6. Buffett's Formula for Success

When Buffett looks back, the themes he highlights are surprisingly ordinary:

• Build long-term friendships.

• Work with people you admire and respect.

• Stay curious.

• Focus on substance, not image.

• Stick to your core competence.

• Help others quietly and consistently.

• Play the long game and let your efforts compound.

These elements are not sexy and won't go viral any time soon — but they work.

Final Takeaway: Life Is Long… Until It Isn’t

Buffett recognizes that:

“Father Time… is undefeated.”

We should too. Recognizing that truth isn’t depressing — it’s clarifying.
It reminds us to live the life we want now, not someday.

If you enjoyed these lessons, you might also appreciate this:

👉 30 Life Lessons from 1,000 People Who’ve Lived a Full Life

Wishing you a rewarding life!

The post Warren Buffett’s Final Letter: Lessons Learned from a Rewarding Life appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Start early. Be consistent. Let it grow.

All solid advice.

What if you took the same idea and applied it to everything else that matters?

Instead of reaping dividends only in dollars, how might you earn them in other important areas of your life?

Here are five of the most valuable places to invest your time, energy, and attention, so you can harvest the fruits of your efforts for many years to come:

1. Memories: The Compound Interest of Joy

You don’t remember what you bought three years ago. But you do remember that late-night talk with a friend, the spontaneous trip, or the family dinner where everyone couldn’t stop laughing.

Memories are emotional currency. They don’t just bring you joy in the moment—they gain value with time. I often scroll through short clips of my kids and friends and can't help be in a better mood. The more meaningful moments you create, the more grateful and optimistic you tend to become. A bank of joyful memories makes future challenges easier to face.

Life Dividends:

• Stronger relationships

• A richer personal narrative

• Resilience during hard times

• A more positive lens on life

Practical Tips:

• Create a “memory fund”—a monthly budget for doing something memorable with people you love (even $25 can go a long way).

• Prioritize firsts—first hikes, first performances, first projects together. Firsts stand out.

• Capture and reflect—take one photo or jot a note each week or month about a moment you want to remember. Just remember to savor the moment as opposed (Why Photographers Miss Out On Life).

2. Knowledge: Returns That Outperform Any Market

A single insight can change your life. A book, podcast, or conversation might offer a new way to solve a problem, connect with others, or navigate a challenge. (Here are our recommended books, free online courses, and quotes)

But here’s the real magic: the more you learn, the easier it becomes to learn more. New knowledge connects with what you already know, forming deeper understanding, faster recall, and sharper judgment.

And it doesn’t just help you solve problems—it makes life richer. A person who understands art enjoys a museum more. A person who studies human behavior navigates relationships more wisely. A person who understands how systems work sees opportunities others miss. If you're not sure what to learn, just follow your interests.

Knowledge compounds. The more you use it, the more valuable it becomes.

Life Dividends:

• Better decision-making

• Expanded opportunities

• Greater appreciation of everyday experiences

• Accelerated learning over time

Practical Tips:

• Keep a “learning ledger”—write down one insight every two weeks and how you applied it. (Take a look at our book summaries for inspiration)

• Choose resources with a purpose. Don’t just consume—implement.

• Teach others what you learn. That’s when it really sticks.

3. Relationships: The Most Undervalued Asset

Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They grow through consistent deposits—attention, encouragement, shared experience.

These investments don’t just pay you back emotionally. They provide support, perspective, and energy when you need them most.

And here’s the overlooked benefit: great relationships make everything else easier. When you have people who believe in you, challenge you, or simply listen well, you make better decisions, bounce back faster, and enjoy life more.

Life Dividends:

• Deeper connection

• Support during transition

• A sense of belonging and purpose

• A stronger foundation for personal growth

Practical Tips:

• Set a recurring reminder to reach out to someone you care about each week. Instead of sending flowers when someone passes away, send it to them when they are still alive.

• Celebrate small wins with others—new jobs, personal milestones, even silly victories.

• Create rituals: monthly calls, quarterly dinners, annual trips. Rituals help keep relationships strong.

4. Health: The Freedom Multiplier

As we get older, our fitness and mobility naturally declines. Investing in your body and mind today extends your options, stamina, and presence tomorrow.

What’s more: health amplifies everything else. When you’re rested, fueled, and clear-headed, you think better, work better, and stay consistent with other habits.

Life Dividends:

• More energy and clarity

• Better mood and focus

• Ability to fully engage in life

• Greater consistency in your other goals

Practical Tips:

• Choose one keystone habit—sleep, Zone 2 exercise, healthy diet, daily stretching—and protect it.

• Track how you feel after your habits, not just what you did.

• Stack small wins: movement, hydration, sleep—improve 1%, consistently.

5. Skills: Tools That Keep Opening Doors

Skills give you options. Communication, leadership, coding, design, writing—whatever your craft, developing it creates leverage for you.

And once you have a skill, no one can take it away from you. You carry it into every job, relationship, and opportunity.

Skills also create momentum. The confidence you gain from learning one skill makes it easier to tackle the next. And as your skillset expands, so does your sense of identity and self-trust.

Life Dividends:

• Career leverage

• Creative freedom

• A stronger sense of self-efficacy

• Motivation and momentum to learn more

Practical Tips:

• Pick one skill that excites you and solves a real problem in your life.

• Schedule consistent “practice sessions”—even 20 minutes a day compounds.

• Use it in real life. Apply what you’re learning to your work or community.

The Real ROI: A Life That Keeps Paying You Back

You won’t always see the return right away.

But the time you spent showing up for a friend?
The walk you took instead of doom-scrolling?
The book you underlined and actually used?
The skill you practiced even when no one was watching?

Those moments don’t disappear.
They compound.

They show up later—as strength when life gets messy, clarity when choices get hard, and joy when you need it most.

So yes—invest in your future.
But don’t forget to invest in what makes your future worth living.

Because the best dividends in life don’t show up in your bank account.
They show up in the quality of your life.

👉 What’s one small investment you can make today— that your future self will thank you for tomorrow?

The post The Best Investments Pay Life Dividends appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

After overcoming the initial jitters of zero visibility and irrational shark attack fears, I aimed for a building on the horizon and started my freestyle stroke, breathing every two strokes. This is where I learned firsthand why sighting — lifting my head to check my course — is so crucial.

I'd tried sighting a few times in the pool, but it always seemed to mess up my stroke rhythm. Since I felt I was swimming straight and wanted to cover more distance smoothly, I didn't sight until about ten minutes in. When I finally did, I was shocked at how off course I was. I had wasted a lot of time and energy not making much progress. I ended up needing to sight every few stokes just to stay somewhat on track.

Reflecting on this, I saw a parallel with pursuing goals in life.

My Takeaway: Sight Often to Avoid the Illusion of Progress

In both swimming and life, it's surprisingly easy to get caught up in immediate tasks that we lose sight of our true goal. Are your efforts directed towards reaching your objectives or are you just so busy that you don't realize that you're swimming off course? Are you aware of the currents in your life that may be pushing you unexpectedly sideways and adjusting early enough to ensure you're still on track?

Sighting in open water involves briefly lifting your head out of the water to check your alignment with a distant marker. It's a deliberate act that ensures you're heading in the right direction. Similarly, in life, we need moments of reflection and assessment. Regularly stepping back to evaluate our progress against our long-term goals helps us course-correct before we drift too far off course.

Take a moment to sight right now. Look at the emails in your inbox or check the meetings on your calendar this week, and ask yourself whether or not what you're doing is leading you to where you want to go. Just as in swimming, regular sighting can keep you on track, ensuring you reach your true destination in the shortest possible way.

The post Navigating Life’s Currents: One Important Lesson from Open Water Swimming appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls...are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”

Work is a rubber ball (a blue sky-bounce handball for your Brooklynites)!

This visual comes in handy whenever I'm deciding what to do with the never-ending list of things I can do at work or the different opportunities that come my way. These priorities are also in line with what researcher Karl Pillemer found after interviewing thousands of adults over the age of 70 on their advice to live a fulfilling life.

The post Work is a rubber ball appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

To help you make the most out of the life ahead of you, Cornell Professor Dr. Karl Pillemer has compiled the practical advice of over 1500 people in their 70s and beyond on how to live a fulfilling life. Since these individuals have actually lived their life, they have a perspective that we don't have (Imagine if you could tell the younger you what you know now...)

Before covering Dr. Pillemer's 30 Lessons for Living, here is a preview of the advice common to almost all of the people interviewed:

• Happiness is a choice and not a result of how life treats you - life is "too short to waste on pessimism, boredom, and disillusionment." None of the interviewees associated happiness with "working as hard as you can to make money to buy whatever you want."
• When possible, take the plunge - say yes to opportunities because it'll enrich your life
• Pursue meaningful work that you look forward to every day
• Travel
• Don't go to bed angry
• Be honest with yourself and others
• Avoid judgment - let others, including yourself, live their life

The 30 lessons are organized into six major sections with five lessons for each section (this is a long post so feel free to skip around):

• Marriage or building deep relationships with your lifelong partner
• Pursuing a meaningful career
• Raising children
• Aging gracefully
• Living a life without regrets
• Being happy

Marriage or Building Deep Relationships with Your Lifelong Partner

1. Find a Partner Who Shares Your Core Values and Is Your Friend

The original advice in the book was "Marry Someone a Lot Like You." Since we can be similar in many ways to someone, yet have different values, the focus when finding a lifelong partner is to find alignment between your approaches to life. Note the emphasis on finding alignment as opposed to creating alignment. Often, it's easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we or the other person will convert to make the relationship work, but that's rarely the case. If you value saving money as a path to a good life, and the other person values spending money as a path to a good life, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle to make the relationship work. Recognize that to take this advice, you'll need to be clear about your own values (how to figure out your values).

2. Make Sure You're Friends

Are you good friends with your lifelong partner?

In addition to having similar core values, you also want someone you enjoy spending time with. Our friends are people we want to see because we like talking to them and can relax around them. The interviewees recommend that, when possible, you should marry your best friend (maybe being placed in the "friend zone" is not a bad thing. Now, if you're in the friend zone, consider sharing this article with your friend who you would like to be more than a friend)

3. Don't Keep Score

Great relationships are not transactional. Both sides are trying to contribute more to the relationship. In The 80/80 Marriage, husband-and-wife team Kaley and Nate Kemp recommends each partner focus on contributing 80% to building the best possible relationship. By focusing on increasing your own contributions, you will pay more attention to what else you can do as opposed to what else the other person should be doing.

Ask, "What can I do for my partner? How can I make my partner a little happier today?" as opposed to "Am I getting what I need from my partner?" Look for ways to give more than you can get. If you're truly friends (lesson #2), the other person will likely reciprocate. Doesn't hurt to keep one-upping each other in showing your love.

4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

To keep the relationship running smoothly, you'll need to be able to talk through conflict. You won't always agree with the other person, but if you can't talk through it, resentment builds. Although the advice is to talk to each other, a big part of defusing the situation is to listen to your partner and sincerely and clearly show that you're listening. That means acknowledging what you're hearing and playing back what you heard. Always let the other person have their say. One question that might help unknot a struggle is to ask, "Which one of us is this more important to?" Knowing this will make it easier for the other person to let it go (especially if you're focusing on advice #3).

5. Commit to the Promise You've Made to Each Other

Since I can remember, divorce rates seems to be trending up and getting steeper. There are positive reasons for separation such as people feeling empowered to leave relationships that are not working out freeing both parties to find better partners. At the same time, some of the interviewees suggest treating marriage, or the promise to stay together, as less of a "voluntary partnership" but as a "profound cultural arrangement" that should be entered into seriously both when deciding to marry and when deciding to part. This advice seems easier if you follow #1-4. One way to help you go the distance is to avoid going to bed angry - most disagreements "aren't worth more than a day's combat."

Pursuing a Meaningful Career

6. Choose a Career that You Enjoy, Not Just One That Makes You Money

When the interviewees looked in the rearview mirror after a long life, one thing that was clear is that "time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime." Look for a job, calling, career, whatever you want to call it, that makes you happy and sits at the intersection of what you love, what you're good at, and what serves others (so you can reap some form of financial reward - those bills don't pay themselves). Work that leads to personal growth, meaningful relationships, and contribution to the community will often result in a happier life. Since we spend much of our adult lives working, find work where the work itself fulfills you and you have a passion for it.

7.  Don't Give Up on Looking for a Job That Makes You Happy

It's likely that you read advice #6 and said, "That might work for some people, but that's just not feasible for me. Besides, I don't need to be happy at work. Work is work and play is play." Of course, you're entitled to choose whichever path you would like. See each piece of advice as something the future-you might tell the present-you.

If you're not finding your work meaningful or fulfilling, those who have gone ahead of you recommend that you don't stop trying to find a job you would really enjoy. Take a moment right now and think about whether you enjoyed going to work this past week/month. If not, what would you enjoy doing? Don't get hung up on feasibility for now - just brainstorm what jobs you would love to do or try. Consider taking the Know What You Want Workshop to help you figure it out (it's free if you're serious about completing it - just find the code at the bottom of this article on 30 Qualities of Highly Successful People).

The interviewees advise: "Don't be afraid to move around and try different things, no matter how old you are." Do give yourself a time limit to figure things out and understand that you'll often need to take a risk to make a move toward the job that makes you happy.

8. Make the Most of a Bad Job

As you're continuing to look for the job you love (#7) to be in a career that is intrinsically rewarding (#6), you may still need to put up with the job you have. To help you cope, focus on doing what you can to leverage your current job to help you refine what you want, what your capabilities are, and what's right for you. Learn as much as you can about yourself and pay attention to which work activities energize you and which drain you. Study what makes good bosses, colleagues, and businesses strong and what makes poor leaders, co-workers, and companies weak. No matter what job you're in, do it well so you continue to build your reputation, confidence, and competence.

9. Develop Emotional Intelligence

Your ability to work well with others is critical for your success. Whether you're inspiring others, gaining consensus, or building deep relationships, it's often the soft skills that propel you in your career, especially at the more senior levels. A linchpin to emotional intelligence is having and showing empathy. You will likely hit on the right approach if you keep in mind that others don't have the same goals, motivations, or beliefs as you do. You'll find yourself more accepting of others and slow in judging their way of working.

Cultivate the humility to recognize that almost always others will know more about their particular area than you do and the key to working well with others is to keep the focus on them and their needs. Rarely will people care about your goals and KPIs above their own. One piece of advice from the interviewees is to "take others seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously."

10. Prioritize Autonomy

Early in our lives, we have more time than we know what to do with so it's easy to give it away to others or to use it less sparingly. Many of us are very willing to trade in our time for money, which we need to live the life we want. As you'll see in advice #26, as we get older, time becomes our most precious resource, and we'll want to be more hesitant to trade time for money. It's easy to choose a career based on potential earnings, but it's a high cost if those earnings come at the expense of your independence (especially if you don't love what you do). Prioritize gaining more freedom from the job you have - to do so practically, you'll often need to be 1) excellent at your job, 2) living below your means, and 3) focused on valuing time over money.

Raising Children

11. Maximize the Quantity of Time Spent Together

When spending time with your children, quality AND quantity matter. Closeness in a relationship comes from being together. I learned this lesson firsthand going through the COVID-19 pandemic. By being at home more, I realized that my kids would open up to me, not when I asked them how their day went, but during random times when we were together taking a walk, watching a show, or drawing unicorns. It made me wonder how many of these moments I was missing when I was away either physically or mentally.

According to those who have lived a long life, your children "don’t want your money (or what your money buys) anywhere near as much as they want you. Specifically, they want you with them." In practice, this might mean indulging in the activities they want to do, as opposed to imposing what you want to do together as a family (I'm still trying to work on this!) If you're serious about building a relationship with your kids, measure the time you spend being present with your kids or other loved ones as a good way to gauge quality time. Be willing to sacrifice other commitments to have this shared time. A bonus for spending time with your kids is that you have a better sense of who they are, what they are going through, what they enjoy doing, and how they see the world.

12. Avoid Showing Favoritism

It's normal to have favorites - maybe your child shares common interests with you, or has a similar personality, but it's critical to never show favoritism to your children. Kids pick up on favorites - my older son recently accused us of favoring his younger brother because we have more of his brother's drawings up on the wall. We didn't even realize we were doing that since the real reason for the lopsided balance of wall art is that our younger son is constantly asking us to put his drawings on the wall. Be aware of your words and actions that may be interpreted or misinterpreted as favoring one child over another. One thing you can do to reduce this risk is to avoid comparing your kids. For more tips, check out Siblings Without Rivalry.

13. Don't Hit Your Kids

This might be a controversial piece of advice depending on where you're from and your cultural upbringing. As with all advice, do what will work for you. One question I've found helpful to ask myself when needing to discipline is, "Would I treat any other person the way I'm about to treat my child?" This is much harder to do when I'm hijacked by anger. I try to keep in mind the advice from the interviewees that "discipline should be very quiet and controlled, but kind," since they've seen the longer-term fall out of their actions.

Physical punishment may feel like it's solving the immediate problem, but it may teach your child lessons that you may not want them to learn such as "I need to do everything I can to please authority figures," "force wins when words don't," "it's ok to hurt others if they aren't doing what I want them to do." 20 years of research show that corporal punishment does more harm than good. According to the interviewees, hitting is a failure in parenting, and they believed "in firmness, in maintaining a clear moral compass, and in setting limits. But they are remarkably unified on the idea that corporal punishment of children is a disciplinary dead end that spoils the relationship, leaving emotional marks that last long after childhood."

14. Do Whatever You Can to Prevent Rifts

Interviewees who were estranged from their children strongly regretted losing the bond with their kids. Reflecting back on how heavily this rift weighed on them and the pain they felt as life went on, they recommend avoiding it at all costs. If you sense a rift is occurring, take the lead to act immediately to defuse it. This will often mean being the first to apologize or compromise. The longer you wait to mend a break the harder it becomes to reconcile. In some cases, it never blows over and you become separated forever. Although what you are fighting over may seem important at that moment, it's likely not worth severing the relationship you have with your child.

15.  Build a Lifelong Relationship with Your Children

It's easy as parents to focus on launching our children into adulthood. Although helping our children grow up to live the life they want is critical, you'll want to be a part of their lives. No matter their age, look for ways to help them feel welcome at home and be open to sharing things with you. A good way to do so is to be non-judgmental. No one wants to be nagged at, constantly be given advice, or told that they should be living their life another way (no matter how good your intentions might be). Enjoy their company and act in ways so they enjoy yours.

Aging Gracefully

16. Look Forward to Being Old (It's better than you think!)

In some cultures, being an elder is revered and respected. In others, it can feel more like a looming expiration date of one's relevance. What is inevitable is that we will get older and if we're lucky, we'll become very old. Those who are squarely in that camp right now advise us to not waste time worrying about aging. They highlight how being old comes with a "sense of calm and easiness in daily life" where you can do whatever you want. You're no longer shackled by the expectations or responsibilities you might feel earlier in life (or maybe you just care less). That sounds like something to look forward to!

17. Act Now like You Will Need Your Body for a Hundred Years

Many of the interviewees highlight the importance of taking care of your body now. They emphasize that "it's not dying you should worry about it - it's chronic disease." Often the result of poor health decisions is not an early death, but decades of suffering for you and those who need to take care of you. When deciding today whether to eat right or exercise, understand that your health choices and habits accumulate. The focus is not on how long you will live, but on how you are going to live. Hopefully, this advice will give you pause when you hear yourself justifying a poor life choice with the excuse, "So what? We all have to die sometime." For some guidance, check out this free healthy living guide from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

18. Don't Fret About Dying

Those who are closest to the end of their lives find themselves worrying less about dying. They found that they end up falling into "a mix of interest, curiosity, and acceptance." If those who need to worry most about dying aren't doing so, why should you?

19. Actively Stay Connected to Others

As you become older, it's natural for your social circles to shrink. People you know may have moved away or passed away. You're becoming less mobile. You're no longer in natural social settings like work, school events, etc. Actively fight against isolation by involving yourself in social networks that all you to stay connected to others. One tip shared by a number of interviewees is to take advantage of classes and other learning opportunities. You get to meet new people who have a common interest and see them on a regular basis. For the introverts out there, you don't need to attend big social gatherings, but do push yourself to meet new people. For some ideas, check out The Introvert's Guide to Social Engagement (Harvard Health).

20. Plan Ahead on Where You'll Live and Share Your Post-Life Wishes

As you get older, you'll want to choose a place to live that will help you stay connected to the people you want to be with. A number of the interviewees commented on their move to a senior living community as one of the best decisions of their lives since it allows them to meet new people and "have a life." You'll also want to accept and adapt to your changing physical abilities and situation and select activities that fit the current-you. That might mean switching from breakdancing to swimming, or hiking less ambitious trails because the view may not be worth the risk of injury. As part of your planning, think about the decisions that others may need to make about you when you pass. To prevent arguments or speculation amongst your loved ones, state clearly what you want in writing.

Living a Life Without Regrets

21. Be Honest

Almost all the interviewees cited honesty as one of the major values and principles to live by. The longer you're alive the more you'll see the importance of integrity and trust. Dishonesty creates pressure and stress for you - keeping the facts straight, living with the fear of being found out, or dealing with the short- and long-term implications of a tarnished reputation. Living honestly seems to be the easier road to travel (even though it often feels like the harder one to take).

22. Say Yes to Opportunities

We can unknowingly limit ourselves because we're only aware of the things we've done and completely oblivious to what we could potentially do. To help you live life to the fullest, the elders interviewed in this book recommend saying yes to opportunities that come your way "unless you've got a really solid reason to say no." By being open to new ventures and experiences, you learn more about yourself to make even better decisions in the future. Move to a new country. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Do the thing you've been putting off until the right time. The interviewees who took a risk in their careers often look back with the most satisfaction in their work lives. Don't ask "why?" Ask "why not?"

23. Travel More

Rarely do people regret traveling too much. No matter how much traveling the interviewees did, most of them wished they had traveled more. As we get older, we may not be able to travel to as many places, so the elders recommend younger people to travel now while they have the time, physical ability, and freedom to do so. Because of the many benefits of traveling, prioritize it over other things you may spend money on. Travel will challenge you, broaden your horizons, and help you learn about yourself. Start by listing the places you want to go and book a trip today. You'll likely not regret that decision.

24. Select a Lifelong Mate with Extreme Care

There are three common scenarios that the interviewees highlight as potentially disastrous when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner:

1. "Fall passionately in love and commit immediately
2. Commit out of desperation that no one better will come along
3. Drift or fall into marriage without the choice or the reasons ever becoming clear"

Their core advice is to hit pause and think through this important decision. Don't rush because marrying the wrong person can be extremely painful. Take time to know the other person well (which isn't easy early in a relationship when everyone is putting their best foot forward). Observe the little things that may give you hints about who they are deep down and ask yourself whether it's something you can accept. Remember to look for similar core values (#1) and strong friendship (#2) as well to help you choose a mate that can bring you lifelong happiness. A good question to ask: "Is this the person you want by your side as you face tough life challenges?"

25. Say It Now

Countless movies have been made about the regret of leaving things unsaid. If there is something meaningful you want to say to someone, don't wait. Do it now. This might be telling someone how much you love them or apologizing to mend a relationship where you don't even remember what you were fighting about. Look to clear the air.

One piece of advice that stuck with me was, "Send flowers to the living. The dead never see them." You may also want to think about the questions you want to know especially from your aging parents - where did they come from, what were you like as a child, and what advice might they give on living a good life? You'll see at the end of this article a list of questions to ask the elders in your life.

Being Happy

26. Value Time Over Everything

Life is truly short and no group knows this better than the one interviewed for this book. Despite all the years they've been alive, the oldest folks in the group were the most surprised by how fast time has gone. Their advice is to seriously recognize how limited time really is and to purposefully decide how to take advantage of each day. They see each day as a gift and with an "unharvested abundance of pleasure, enjoyment, love, and beauty that many younger people miss."

To keep you from squandering the day you're given, purposefully use your life minutes. What is it that you want to do right now with your time? Be extra sensitive to phrases like, "I'll do [desired activity] when [future time or event occurs]," or "I can't wait until [insert positive result or event]" because that day may never come. Don't put things off that you've been wanting to do, learn, say, experience. Shift the focus from what is going to happen to what's happening now. Be more "lavish" with the present time because it's the only time you have. I've been guilty of saving a nice bottle of champagne until it goes bad or sparingly using expensive accessories for special occasions. We can't get back the days that passed, but we can make the most of the days ahead.

One idea that really stuck out for me from the interviews is to "skip the funerals and see your friends now." Here is what one interviewee shared:

"We’ve told most of our close friends: We’re not going to show up at their funerals because we can’t stand funerals. But we are going to show up at any party or happy thing they invite us to."

What a wonderful idea!

27. Choose Happiness on a Daily Basis

The interviewees strongly recommend taking responsibility for your own happiness and seeing happiness as a choice you make, and not a result of your current condition. If you find yourself in a situation you don't like, initiate change to move away from that. Although you won't be able to control what happens to you, you can choose your attitude and reactions to them. Feelings like anger, fear, disappointment, annoyance, and resentment are created from our thoughts and expectations even though we'll find it more convenient to blame others for causing those feelings. When you feel negative emotions, think about where it comes from and the story you're telling yourself. Then accept it, and let it go. You're in charge of your life - don't let outside forces impact how you feel and what you decide to do.

One way to choose happiness on a daily basis is to make happiness unconditional ("I'm happy in spite of ...") as opposed to conditional ("I'm happy if only ..."). Often when our happiness is dependent on something external, it's short-lived (even when you win the lottery). In the words of one of the interviewers, "Decide not to feel sorry for yourself - get up and do what you have to do to be happy. " 

28. Don't Waste Time Worrying

Time is limited and if you're squandering it worrying, you're not spending it living. Trust that it'll work out. Worrying, on its own, doesn't solve or help with anything. Not only will it not make a difference, but it'll also likely put you in a negative state. To help you gain back some time, recognize when you're worrying and re-purpose that time for something you want to do with your life - hit the gym, learn a language, travel, or spend time with people you enjoy spending time with.

Even when you have a reason to worry, don't spend your time ruminating about the potential negative outcome. If you're afraid of something, do what is in your power to prepare and plan for it instead of wasting energy worrying about it. Once you take action to mitigate what you think might happen, don't think about it anymore.

There's rarely a good reason or excuse to worry for the sake of worrying, but if you find yourself stuck in a worrying rut, which can happen, focus on the short term (the day, hour, or minute that you're in right now) as opposed to the long term implications of what you're worried about. Here is an interviewee's reflection that might help,

"I’ve learned a lot about life and nothing bothers me anymore. And it gets to be so, and it’s just the way it is. Acceptance, yes. If you don’t accept it, you go down the drain. Be calm, go with the flow. People worry about dying, about everything."

29. Savor the Little Things in Life

As we live life, it's easy to focus on the milestone moments of our lives - our birthday, our graduation, our wedding, our big promotion, our new house. Those events are worth celebrating, but often we might be missing opportunities to savor the micro-delights that occur daily in our lives - a smile from our child, the beautiful weather, a good swim, a funny text exchange. By noticing the little things in life that bring us joy, we are increasing our own happiness on a daily basis, which is important especially since we're not guaranteed the future. Find the daily treasures in your life. If you're looking for it, you'll find it. As someone who is often too future-oriented, I set a reminder to think about a daily delight at noon each day. It draws my attention to something positive and sets a great tone for the second half of the day.

30. Have Faith

Believe in something beyond you - this might be a religion, philosophy, or credo. Look for ways to be a part of a community and to have a spiritual practice that you can do with others. The interviewees have found faith helpful to place suffering in context and a belief in a higher power often focuses us to care not only for ourselves but others as well. One common refrain amongst the world's religions is the idea of the golden rule:

"Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." 

The golden rule works because to follow it, you'll need to empathize with other people and understand their perspectives and how they might feel about your actions. Being kind, showing compassion, lending a helping hand, and treating others with respect are some of the natural behaviors of following this time-tested rule.

So, you've made it to the end of this list! Hopefully, this list will help you make the most of the minutes ahead of you. We'll wrap with this final thought from one of the interviewees:

"I have had to live simply but eventually I realized that it is the best way for me to live. To know what is enough, not to use more than my share of the earth’s resources, to recognize the difference between wants and needs, to enjoy the pleasure of making something broken of use again, and learning to appreciate simple pleasures has made my life more satisfying and less worrisome. Happiness does not depend on how much we have but is based on personal success of skills and artistry, a sense of humor, the acquisition of knowledge, the refinement of character, the expression of gratitude, the satisfaction of helping others, the pleasure of friends, the comfort of family, and the joy of love."

Feel free to share this article with those who you think might benefit. Please share any life lessons you've learned that you might share with a younger you.

You can find a searchable directory of advice at The Legacy Project.

Questions to Ask the Elders in Your Life

If you have elders in your life that you would like to interview, here are ten questions Pillemer recommends:

1. What are some of the most important lessons you feel you have learned over the course of your life? If the person has difficulty getting started, try this follow-up question: If a young person asked you, “What have you learned in your X years in this world,” what would you tell him or her?

2. What kinds of advice would you have about getting and staying married? Follow-ups: What’s the secret of a long marriage? What mistakes should young people avoid regarding getting and staying married? What advice would you have for a younger couple thinking of calling it quits?

3. What kinds of advice do you have about raising children? Follow-ups: What mistakes should people avoid in child rearing?

4. Do you have any advice you can share about finding fulfilling work and how to succeed in a career?

5. Some people say that they have had difficult or stressful experiences but they have learned important lessons from them. Is that true for you? Can you give examples of what you learned?

6. As you look back over your life, do you see any “turning points”; that is, a key event or experience that changed the course of your life or set you on a different track? Follow-ups: What are some of the important choices or decisions you made that you have learned from?

7. What would you say you know now about living a happy and successful life that you didn’t know when you were twenty?

8. What would you say are the major values or principles that you live by?

9. Have you learned any lessons regarding staying in good health?

10. What advice would you give to people about growing older?

Photo by Peter Conlan

The post 30 Life Lessons from Over a Thousand People Who Have Lived a Full Life appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

If so, how do you know?

Don't worry if you're unsure - you're not alone. Happiness can be difficult to pin down. Are we happy or not? Is happiness an end state or an in-the-moment feeling? Is it both?

On top of all that, and more importantly, if we want to be happy, how do we get there?

Is it about smiling more? Making enough money to retire? Gaining recognition from our boss or peers? Trying one of these 10 ways to be happier when you're just fine?

No matter how happy you feel right now, you can be happier by recognizing and taking the three roads to happiness as described in Springboard: Launching Your Personal Search for Success. According to the University of Pennsylvania Professor Richard Shell, people use "happiness" to describe the following three things:

1. Momentary Happiness

These are the immediate moments of positive emotions - pleasure, satisfaction, contentment, or fun.

You can increase this type of happiness by slowing down and paying attention to your current experience - savoring the food you're eating, hugging a loved one, or feeling grateful for being able to read these words (which means you have good vision, and access to a computer, internet, and education). Try mindfulness meditation to help you pay more attention to the present moment. You might also consider managing your expectations, so you increase your chances of positive surprises and lower the chances of being disappointed.

What's one specific example of momentary happiness that you've experienced?

2. Overall Happiness

This is your overall judgment about how things have gone for you so far (past) or how things will go for you in the future. You're usually assessing your happiness over a block of time (how happy were you in your childhood, your last job, your first relationship, your college days, etc.)

You can increase this type of happiness by:

• Making health a key priority: start eating better, sleeping amply, and exercising regularly.
• Achieving some long-term goals: reflect on a goal you're proud of or pursue a goal you've wanted to achieve - write that novel, start that business, get that degree, live in that country, have those kids, or whatever else you might be putting off
• Investing in relationships: Spend time with people you enjoy and love and who love you. If needed, mend rifts with the important people in your life.
• Making enough money: Attain financial independence so you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Money alone may not lead to happiness, but financial resources are important for you to have autonomy over how you spend your time. Hopefully, you'll be spending that time with the people you love.

What's one specific example of overall happiness that you've experienced?

3. Deep Happiness

This is the feeling you get when you're experiencing flow, flourishing, or a sense of deep joy, connection, and meaning with those around you. Professor Shell draws parallels between deep happiness and the Hebrew word "simcha," defined by one of his interviewees as "the experience of the soul that comes when you are doing what you should be doing."

To increase deep happiness, find a way to serve a purpose higher than yourself. NYU's Jonathan Haidt suggests in The Happiness Hypothesis, that deep happiness comes from striving for "the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself." You get to define what is right.

What's one specific example of deep happiness that you've experienced? (answering this question may give you more insight into your definition of meaningful)

Hopefully, by recognizing the different ways you can experience happiness, you can identify concrete ways to live a happier life. Take a moment this week and assess whether your daily activities are helping you be happy. Which type of happiness do you want to prioritize? What might be something on this list that you can try during the coming week?

Please share any practices or behaviors that have helped you increase your Momentary, Overall, or Deep happiness in the comments section below.

If you want to dive deeper and figure out how to define success for yourself, consider taking Professor Shell's Success course on Coursera (free to audit). You can find other free courses along with our recommended reading on happiness and well-being on our recommendations page.

Photo by Stan B

The post The Three Roads to Happiness (or 3 Ways to Be Happier Throughout Your Lifetime) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

"Stop letting it bother you. Why don't you let it go."

"Let it go, it'll feel better."

If only it were that easy. Often, we hear this well-meaning advice precisely with feelings that we're finding impossible to let go of or even to stop thinking about.
According to Dr. David Hawkins, author of Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, letting go is difficult because:

"part of ourselves is attached to the familiar, no matter how painful or inefficient it is. It may seem bizarre, but our self with a small “s” actually enjoys an impoverished life and all the negativity that goes with it: feeling unworthy, being invalidated, judging others and ourselves, being inflated, always “winning” and being “right,” grieving the past, fearing the future, nursing our wounds, craving assurance, and seeking love instead of giving it."

There is a benefit for us to hold on to negative feelings (or else we wouldn't be doing it). If we were to let go of them, we may no longer be "at the mercy of the world" or the victim. We'll no longer have any excuses to lean on or anyone else to blame. We become responsible for what is happening to us and how our lives have turned out. Harsh or Empowering?

For many of us, it's easy to suppress (consciously) or repress (unconsciously) our feelings especially when we feel fear, guilt, or shame around those feelings. Unfortunately, the emotions we push down end up resurfacing in different ways - ultra-sensitivity to what people say, misperception of what people are trying to do, or increasing stress that others will find out about our feelings. We are better off facing, expressing, and letting go of our feelings so we can neutralize and release them.

Here is how to actually let go:

Step 1: Feel the feeling and avoid the thoughts

Allow yourself to "have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it." I used to think the goal was to be aware of the feeling and then do the work to "address" it. Whether it's telling myself I shouldn't be feeling that way, or trying to ignore it altogether, I would often miss this important first step to just feel the feeling. I now realize that resisting the feeling is what keeps it going. A nuanced, yet important element is to focus on the feeling itself, not the thoughts that the feelings generated.

For example, if I was feeling indignant about a comment made during a meeting, I should accept that I'm feeling indignant and focus on how that feels. Am I breathing in a more shallow way? Am I clenching my jaw? What I want to avoid ruminating about are the thoughts that easily follow my feelings, "What did she mean by that? I bet she is making me look bad, so she can get that promotion." Thoughts arise when you try to explain or rationalize your inner feelings. Just because your thoughts are believable, it doesn't make them true.

Summary: Accept that you're annoyed and focus on how annoyance shows up for you. Resist the urge to think about what's causing your annoyance and other people's intentions.

Step 2: Stay with the feeling and let it run its course without taking action

As you continue to feel the feeling, other emotions may arise about how the situation is going. Keep the same process and allow those feelings to arise. Don't dismiss the feeling or put it aside. Stay with it. Keep asking yourself what's happening in the present moment (reality) as opposed to what the other person's intentions were (blind speculation). The gamechanger for me was to realize that emotions are like balloons filled with air. If you keep letting the air out by feeling the feeling, it'll eventually run out of air. If you suppress the feeling, it's like blowing air into the balloon until it one day pops. Sometimes letting go of one feeling causes another one to arise. Repeat the process of letting go of subsequent negative feelings. For example, as the feeling of being indignant passes and my jaw unclenches, I begin to feel frustrated in the form of pressure in my sternum and shallow breathing. Continue to focus on the feeling as opposed to thinking about why you're frustrated ("I'm going to let this person get away with bad behavior.")

Feeling, thinking, and acting are different even though they are tightly related. Feeling leads to thinking and acting. Thinking can lead to feelings and actions. Actions can lead to feelings and thinking. To let a feeling run its course, feel without thinking or taking action. Just observe. You may want to be curious about what positive outcome the feeling is creating for you. For example, feeling indignant may garner sympathy for others or justify your unruly behavior.

Summary: Feel your annoyance without expressing your annoyance. If you have to think, figure out what benefit this feeling might be giving you.

Step 3: Express positive feelings and surrender negative ones

In most cases, you may not need to take action at all, but if you wanted to act in a situation where you're feeling a negative emotion, consider the opposing positive emotion and act in accordance with that emotion. For example, if I'm feeling indignant about the situation, my most likely behavior is to challenge the people or the ideas that are being brought up. Instead, if I allow the emotion to pass, I can consider the opposing positive emotion of indignant, which is content. If I were content, I might act to support what was being said, as opposed to undermining it. Not only have I let go of being indignant, but I have also let go of my resistance to being content. When we hold on to negative emotions, we don't realize that we're crowding out the positive ones that we want to fill our lives. Let the surrendering of a negative emotion remind you of the positive emotion you could be expressing.

To let go means allowing ourselves to experience the feeling without changing it even if the feeling is not a positive one. Don't deny what's there. When you accept that you have both positive and negative emotions, you began to accept not only your own humanness but those of others. Our willingness to face down our own jealousy knowing that it will pass helps us have compassion for those around us who may feel passing jealousy and are dealing with it at the moment. It's the feeling that we repress or suppress, that we "punish" others for. Not because they should be punished, but that's how we signal that we are holding down this emotion within us. Be curious about the feelings that you have trouble surrendering. What positive outcome does that feeling create for you?

Summary: Once you've let your annoyance run its course without acting on it, think about the opposing positive emotion and act on that emotion. The opposite of being annoyed is being pleased. If you step into the feeling of being pleased, you may express gratitude or smile.

Now, I'm not advocating that you thank the person that is annoying you (although you could). We often carry the negative emotion with us well beyond the situation that triggered the negative emotion, which is why we have trouble letting it go. The switch to expressing the opposite positive emotion happens only after you let go of the negative emotion. This is not easy to do, and I'm still struggling, but I found feeling the negative feeling to let go of it and expressing the opposite positive feeling a good way to complete the cycle of letting go.

"Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind."

"Let go of anticipating the next moment, trying to control it, trying to hang on to the moment that has just passed. Let go clinging to what has just occurred. Let go trying to control what you think is about to occur."

Feelings are transitory. You are not your feelings. Like beach waves, feelings come and go, and you are merely seeing them come in. You just happen to be close enough that you feel it each time those waves wash ashore. Accept the feelings you don't think you should be having or are still here - let them come and go. Don't judge the feeling - learn from it. Since each emotion is serving you in some way, figure out what the emotion is doing for you. Ask yourself, "What am I getting [emotion] for?" Usually, emotion is helping us address a fear or to achieve happiness.

For example, "What am I getting angry at my kids for?"

Answer: "To prevent them from growing up to be spoiled brats." or "To justify to other parents that I'm a good parent."  

To let go in this example, I'll focus on how anger manifests for me - shallow breathing through the nose and furrowed brow. I'll do my best not to express anger (raising my voice or or saying something I'll regret). Once the anger passes, I'll consider acting on the opposing positive emotion (calm and delight) and ask my kids, "What happened" in a neutral voice. (As I mentioned earlier, easier said than done, but this approach will likely better achieve my ultimate goal of building a long-lasting relationship with them.)

You know you're doing this well when you don't find yourself taking action based on strong emotion. "It's okay if it happens, and it's okay if it doesn't"

To make letting go easier, Hawkins suggests we let go of some commonly held beliefs:

1. We only deserve things through hard work, struggle, sacrifice, and effort (instead of judging who is deserving, just do you)
2. Suffering is beneficial and good for us (instead of sacrificing and suffering, focus on not resisting positive feelings)
3. We don’t get anything for nothing (instead of fighting for everything, try receiving it)
4. Things that are very simple aren’t worth much (instead of discarding the simple, find as many simple solutions that work to make your life easier)
5. We could have done something differently in the past (instead of beating yourself up, recognize that you did what you thought was best to do at the time)
6. People should repay us for the things we do for them (instead of getting angry when they don't. see it as your generosity to them)
7. The way to get a thing is to want it (Instead of keeping the pressure on for fear of losing something, see pressure as the very thing that pushes what you want away. Losing patience is a form of pressure.)

Reflect on this powerful thought by David Hawkins (Letting Go):

"We could take the same protective actions out of love rather than out of fear. Can we not care for our bodies because we appreciate and value them, rather than out of fear of disease and dying? Can we not be of service to others in our life out of love, rather than out of fear of losing them? Can we not be polite and courteous to strangers because we care for our fellow human beings, rather than because we fear losing their good opinion of us? Can we not do a good job because we care about the quality of our performance and we care about our fellow workers? Can we not perform our job well because we care about the recipients of our services, rather than just the fear of losing our jobs or pursuing our own ambition?"

What do you want to let go of today?

Photo by Brett Jordan

The post How to Actually Let Go appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

When writing this second book, I applied the lessons learned from writing my first book, The Dreams to Reality Fieldbook. I was expecting the unexpected to derail my writing and built in buffer time to manage that (unfortunately, I underestimated how much buffer time I needed). I knew I would need to "just get started" every day and overcome the myriad of great reasons for not starting. I also understood the importance of setting a goal and breaking it down into smaller pieces. Despite being equipped with these lessons learned, I still struggled with writing this second book since it differed from the first one in a few ways. The first book was self-published and this second book was published by Wiley, a well-known publisher. The first book was written mainly from my point of view. The second book had firsthand interviews and cited a number of research studies. The first book was 74 pages. The second book came out to 336 pages.

Writing this book was definitely a challenge, and at times, I felt like a rubber band stretched to the point of snapping. Luckily, I was able to hold it together, and came away with the following insights:

Persistence comes from knowing your Why.

Writing a book is tough. You have to keep track of what you wrote. You have to make sure you're making sense to someone who may not know what you know. You have to cut content that you feel is important. You question whether what you've written is any good, or if you're really in a position to be writing the book in the first place. There were many instances where it seemed easier and better just to call it quits. I was running a business, managing a family, teaching at a university, and volunteering for important causes. No one would fault me for taking one thing off my plate. The main thing that kept me going was my reason for writing this book: To help people who are inadvertently limiting their potential by shying away from sales or approaching it in a haphazard way. Having a why that is in service to others helped me to keep going. I've found that it's hard to keep going if your ambitious goal just serves you since it's easier to call it quits once things become very difficult for you.

Writing is a great way to learn.

I thought I was knowledgeable about sales and business development. That's why I decided to write the book. The process of putting my thoughts on paper and making sure all the pieces fit together without redundancy further crystallized and deepened my thinking. Being constrained on the number of words I could use also helped. Writing something down with the intention for someone else to understand it focuses you on challenging your own thinking and assumptions. You have to assess whether what you believe is actually true, or else the entire idea falls apart. In the words of Paul Graham, "Writing about something, even something you know well, usually shows you that you didn't know it as well as you thought."

Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

There were so many people who helped me along the way to complete this book project. Whether it was introducing me to my senior-level interviewees, improving my writing, or watching my kids during a marathon-writing weekend, this book would not be what it is if I decided to go with my initial gut reaction to go it alone. When writing a book, it's so easy to feel like you need to prove yourself by doing it alone or to believe the work is not truly yours if other people help you, but much of that thinking focuses on you, and not how you can best serve others. If you focus on how you'll contribute value to others, you'll naturally recognize that you'll want all the help you can get to best serve others. If you compare the first draft of this book to the final version, you would clearly see the power of asking for help.

Being happy with your work (at this point in time) and letting go is critical.

When I re-read my first book, I was slightly embarrassed. The black-and-white thinking, the unbridled enthusiasm, the self-focused tone. Yet, at that time, that book was my best work (I'm still proud of some of the ideas in there). If I had kept waiting for it to be a better book, I would have never released it to the world, and I likely wouldn't have written this second book. Part of any ambitious work is that you can always make it better, but at some point, you just have to put it out there so you can get real-world feedback. At the same time, it's important to recognize that just getting to this point of being able to ship has already changed you for the better. When it comes to writing, often the destination is secondary to the journey, and it's only when you stop to reflect that you realize how much you've grown from the experience.

Recognizing what is within your control and what isn't will help you focus on the right things.

Now that Selling Your Expertise has launched, I'm focused on getting the book's insights to people who might most benefit from them. That means speaking about the book on podcasts and at companies, trade association events, and industry conferences. What I'm not doing is tracking book sales since knowing how many books I've sold doesn't really help to raise the book's visibility. If anything, it'll likely distract me from my real work - talking about the book. Once book reviews come in, I plan to read them to better understand which ideas need more work and which ones are resonating (If you've purchased a book, please consider writing an Amazon review). Like my first book, some people will find it valuable and some will not. My goal is to figure out who will be better off with this knowledge and get the book in front of them. My other goal is not to worry about anything outside of my control.

I hope these lessons can be helpful to you as you plan to write a book or tackle an ambitious goal that has true meaning for you. If you enjoyed these tips, you may want to check out the 10 books I wished I read earlier in life or the top 10 insights that have changed my life. If you're interested in learning more about Selling Your Expertise, watch this video trailer. You might also like this updated list of my book and course recommendations.

The post Lessons Learned Writing My Second Book (Selling Your Expertise) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

“Stop dragging the chair Jake!!”

He's been doing this on a  regular basis for over a year and it’s begun to feel like a battle of wills.  Each time we see it happen,  my wife and I  respond the same way. – we yell at him to stop and feel frustrated that he is not learning this lesson. 

As I reflect on this recurring scene, I realized that I’ve been looking at this situation in the wrong way. I interpret my son's repeat offense as insubordination when, in fact, his behavior continues, most likely, because he is so focused on achieving his goals.

The reason he drags the chair to the counter is because the charger for the iPad is on the counter. He wants to sit next to the counter so he can continue to play while the iPad is charging. That is his sole focus.

My goal is to prevent the floor from scuffing while the chair gets dragged across it. When I yell for my son to stop, I am singularly focused on achieving my goal and inadvertently become an obstacle to his achieving his goal. Similarly, when he drags the chair across the room, he is just focused on his achieving his goal and inadvertently becomes an obstacle to what I want. We each get into each other’s way without even knowing it. 

For me, the deeper insight comes from recognizing just how quickly and repeatedly I keep exerting my power over him to get what I want at the expense of what he wants. I justify this behavior by reminding myself that I am the adult and he is the 6-year old child. I go even further by telling myself that I’m teaching my son discipline and keeping him in line. Instead, if I took a few minutes to think about what he wanted, I could have made a structural change that allowed us each to achieve our goals. If I move the charger to the living room next to our couch, my son can sit there and play whenever he needs to charge his iPad.

Inadvertently, getting in each other's way happens all the time - at work, in school, during social gatherings. The next time you feel slighted or feel someone is repeatedly doing something you don’t want them to do, figure out why they are doing it that way. If you pay attention to the other person’s goal, you might find a way to both get what you want.

Remember, more often than not, it’s nothing personal. You just happen to be in their way.   

Photo by Ali Yahya

The post How we get in each other’s way without even knowing it appeared first on Embrace Possibility.