To help you make the most out of the life ahead of you, Cornell Professor Dr. Karl Pillemer has compiled the practical advice of over 1500 people in their 70s and beyond on how to live a fulfilling life. Since these individuals have actually lived their life, they have a perspective that we don't have (Imagine if you could tell the younger you what you know now...)

Before covering Dr. Pillemer's 30 Lessons for Living, here is a preview of the advice common to almost all of the people interviewed:

• Happiness is a choice and not a result of how life treats you - life is "too short to waste on pessimism, boredom, and disillusionment." None of the interviewees associated happiness with "working as hard as you can to make money to buy whatever you want."
• When possible, take the plunge - say yes to opportunities because it'll enrich your life
• Pursue meaningful work that you look forward to every day
• Travel
• Don't go to bed angry
• Be honest with yourself and others
• Avoid judgment - let others, including yourself, live their life

The 30 lessons are organized into six major sections with five lessons for each section (this is a long post so feel free to skip around):

• Marriage or building deep relationships with your lifelong partner
• Pursuing a meaningful career
• Raising children
• Aging gracefully
• Living a life without regrets
• Being happy

Marriage or Building Deep Relationships with Your Lifelong Partner

1. Find a Partner Who Shares Your Core Values and Is Your Friend

The original advice in the book was "Marry Someone a Lot Like You." Since we can be similar in many ways to someone, yet have different values, the focus when finding a lifelong partner is to find alignment between your approaches to life. Note the emphasis on finding alignment as opposed to creating alignment. Often, it's easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we or the other person will convert to make the relationship work, but that's rarely the case. If you value saving money as a path to a good life, and the other person values spending money as a path to a good life, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle to make the relationship work. Recognize that to take this advice, you'll need to be clear about your own values (how to figure out your values).

2. Make Sure You're Friends

Are you good friends with your lifelong partner?

In addition to having similar core values, you also want someone you enjoy spending time with. Our friends are people we want to see because we like talking to them and can relax around them. The interviewees recommend that, when possible, you should marry your best friend (maybe being placed in the "friend zone" is not a bad thing. Now, if you're in the friend zone, consider sharing this article with your friend who you would like to be more than a friend)

3. Don't Keep Score

Great relationships are not transactional. Both sides are trying to contribute more to the relationship. In The 80/80 Marriage, husband-and-wife team Kaley and Nate Kemp recommends each partner focus on contributing 80% to building the best possible relationship. By focusing on increasing your own contributions, you will pay more attention to what else you can do as opposed to what else the other person should be doing.

Ask, "What can I do for my partner? How can I make my partner a little happier today?" as opposed to "Am I getting what I need from my partner?" Look for ways to give more than you can get. If you're truly friends (lesson #2), the other person will likely reciprocate. Doesn't hurt to keep one-upping each other in showing your love.

4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

To keep the relationship running smoothly, you'll need to be able to talk through conflict. You won't always agree with the other person, but if you can't talk through it, resentment builds. Although the advice is to talk to each other, a big part of defusing the situation is to listen to your partner and sincerely and clearly show that you're listening. That means acknowledging what you're hearing and playing back what you heard. Always let the other person have their say. One question that might help unknot a struggle is to ask, "Which one of us is this more important to?" Knowing this will make it easier for the other person to let it go (especially if you're focusing on advice #3).

5. Commit to the Promise You've Made to Each Other

Since I can remember, divorce rates seems to be trending up and getting steeper. There are positive reasons for separation such as people feeling empowered to leave relationships that are not working out freeing both parties to find better partners. At the same time, some of the interviewees suggest treating marriage, or the promise to stay together, as less of a "voluntary partnership" but as a "profound cultural arrangement" that should be entered into seriously both when deciding to marry and when deciding to part. This advice seems easier if you follow #1-4. One way to help you go the distance is to avoid going to bed angry - most disagreements "aren't worth more than a day's combat."

Pursuing a Meaningful Career

6. Choose a Career that You Enjoy, Not Just One That Makes You Money

When the interviewees looked in the rearview mirror after a long life, one thing that was clear is that "time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime." Look for a job, calling, career, whatever you want to call it, that makes you happy and sits at the intersection of what you love, what you're good at, and what serves others (so you can reap some form of financial reward - those bills don't pay themselves). Work that leads to personal growth, meaningful relationships, and contribution to the community will often result in a happier life. Since we spend much of our adult lives working, find work where the work itself fulfills you and you have a passion for it.

7.  Don't Give Up on Looking for a Job That Makes You Happy

It's likely that you read advice #6 and said, "That might work for some people, but that's just not feasible for me. Besides, I don't need to be happy at work. Work is work and play is play." Of course, you're entitled to choose whichever path you would like. See each piece of advice as something the future-you might tell the present-you.

If you're not finding your work meaningful or fulfilling, those who have gone ahead of you recommend that you don't stop trying to find a job you would really enjoy. Take a moment right now and think about whether you enjoyed going to work this past week/month. If not, what would you enjoy doing? Don't get hung up on feasibility for now - just brainstorm what jobs you would love to do or try. Consider taking the Know What You Want Workshop to help you figure it out (it's free if you're serious about completing it - just find the code at the bottom of this article on 30 Qualities of Highly Successful People).

The interviewees advise: "Don't be afraid to move around and try different things, no matter how old you are." Do give yourself a time limit to figure things out and understand that you'll often need to take a risk to make a move toward the job that makes you happy.

8. Make the Most of a Bad Job

As you're continuing to look for the job you love (#7) to be in a career that is intrinsically rewarding (#6), you may still need to put up with the job you have. To help you cope, focus on doing what you can to leverage your current job to help you refine what you want, what your capabilities are, and what's right for you. Learn as much as you can about yourself and pay attention to which work activities energize you and which drain you. Study what makes good bosses, colleagues, and businesses strong and what makes poor leaders, co-workers, and companies weak. No matter what job you're in, do it well so you continue to build your reputation, confidence, and competence.

9. Develop Emotional Intelligence

Your ability to work well with others is critical for your success. Whether you're inspiring others, gaining consensus, or building deep relationships, it's often the soft skills that propel you in your career, especially at the more senior levels. A linchpin to emotional intelligence is having and showing empathy. You will likely hit on the right approach if you keep in mind that others don't have the same goals, motivations, or beliefs as you do. You'll find yourself more accepting of others and slow in judging their way of working.

Cultivate the humility to recognize that almost always others will know more about their particular area than you do and the key to working well with others is to keep the focus on them and their needs. Rarely will people care about your goals and KPIs above their own. One piece of advice from the interviewees is to "take others seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously."

10. Prioritize Autonomy

Early in our lives, we have more time than we know what to do with so it's easy to give it away to others or to use it less sparingly. Many of us are very willing to trade in our time for money, which we need to live the life we want. As you'll see in advice #26, as we get older, time becomes our most precious resource, and we'll want to be more hesitant to trade time for money. It's easy to choose a career based on potential earnings, but it's a high cost if those earnings come at the expense of your independence (especially if you don't love what you do). Prioritize gaining more freedom from the job you have - to do so practically, you'll often need to be 1) excellent at your job, 2) living below your means, and 3) focused on valuing time over money.

Raising Children

11. Maximize the Quantity of Time Spent Together

When spending time with your children, quality AND quantity matter. Closeness in a relationship comes from being together. I learned this lesson firsthand going through the COVID-19 pandemic. By being at home more, I realized that my kids would open up to me, not when I asked them how their day went, but during random times when we were together taking a walk, watching a show, or drawing unicorns. It made me wonder how many of these moments I was missing when I was away either physically or mentally.

According to those who have lived a long life, your children "don’t want your money (or what your money buys) anywhere near as much as they want you. Specifically, they want you with them." In practice, this might mean indulging in the activities they want to do, as opposed to imposing what you want to do together as a family (I'm still trying to work on this!) If you're serious about building a relationship with your kids, measure the time you spend being present with your kids or other loved ones as a good way to gauge quality time. Be willing to sacrifice other commitments to have this shared time. A bonus for spending time with your kids is that you have a better sense of who they are, what they are going through, what they enjoy doing, and how they see the world.

12. Avoid Showing Favoritism

It's normal to have favorites - maybe your child shares common interests with you, or has a similar personality, but it's critical to never show favoritism to your children. Kids pick up on favorites - my older son recently accused us of favoring his younger brother because we have more of his brother's drawings up on the wall. We didn't even realize we were doing that since the real reason for the lopsided balance of wall art is that our younger son is constantly asking us to put his drawings on the wall. Be aware of your words and actions that may be interpreted or misinterpreted as favoring one child over another. One thing you can do to reduce this risk is to avoid comparing your kids. For more tips, check out Siblings Without Rivalry.

13. Don't Hit Your Kids

This might be a controversial piece of advice depending on where you're from and your cultural upbringing. As with all advice, do what will work for you. One question I've found helpful to ask myself when needing to discipline is, "Would I treat any other person the way I'm about to treat my child?" This is much harder to do when I'm hijacked by anger. I try to keep in mind the advice from the interviewees that "discipline should be very quiet and controlled, but kind," since they've seen the longer-term fall out of their actions.

Physical punishment may feel like it's solving the immediate problem, but it may teach your child lessons that you may not want them to learn such as "I need to do everything I can to please authority figures," "force wins when words don't," "it's ok to hurt others if they aren't doing what I want them to do." 20 years of research show that corporal punishment does more harm than good. According to the interviewees, hitting is a failure in parenting, and they believed "in firmness, in maintaining a clear moral compass, and in setting limits. But they are remarkably unified on the idea that corporal punishment of children is a disciplinary dead end that spoils the relationship, leaving emotional marks that last long after childhood."

14. Do Whatever You Can to Prevent Rifts

Interviewees who were estranged from their children strongly regretted losing the bond with their kids. Reflecting back on how heavily this rift weighed on them and the pain they felt as life went on, they recommend avoiding it at all costs. If you sense a rift is occurring, take the lead to act immediately to defuse it. This will often mean being the first to apologize or compromise. The longer you wait to mend a break the harder it becomes to reconcile. In some cases, it never blows over and you become separated forever. Although what you are fighting over may seem important at that moment, it's likely not worth severing the relationship you have with your child.

15.  Build a Lifelong Relationship with Your Children

It's easy as parents to focus on launching our children into adulthood. Although helping our children grow up to live the life they want is critical, you'll want to be a part of their lives. No matter their age, look for ways to help them feel welcome at home and be open to sharing things with you. A good way to do so is to be non-judgmental. No one wants to be nagged at, constantly be given advice, or told that they should be living their life another way (no matter how good your intentions might be). Enjoy their company and act in ways so they enjoy yours.

Aging Gracefully

16. Look Forward to Being Old (It's better than you think!)

In some cultures, being an elder is revered and respected. In others, it can feel more like a looming expiration date of one's relevance. What is inevitable is that we will get older and if we're lucky, we'll become very old. Those who are squarely in that camp right now advise us to not waste time worrying about aging. They highlight how being old comes with a "sense of calm and easiness in daily life" where you can do whatever you want. You're no longer shackled by the expectations or responsibilities you might feel earlier in life (or maybe you just care less). That sounds like something to look forward to!

17. Act Now like You Will Need Your Body for a Hundred Years

Many of the interviewees highlight the importance of taking care of your body now. They emphasize that "it's not dying you should worry about it - it's chronic disease." Often the result of poor health decisions is not an early death, but decades of suffering for you and those who need to take care of you. When deciding today whether to eat right or exercise, understand that your health choices and habits accumulate. The focus is not on how long you will live, but on how you are going to live. Hopefully, this advice will give you pause when you hear yourself justifying a poor life choice with the excuse, "So what? We all have to die sometime." For some guidance, check out this free healthy living guide from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

18. Don't Fret About Dying

Those who are closest to the end of their lives find themselves worrying less about dying. They found that they end up falling into "a mix of interest, curiosity, and acceptance." If those who need to worry most about dying aren't doing so, why should you?

19. Actively Stay Connected to Others

As you become older, it's natural for your social circles to shrink. People you know may have moved away or passed away. You're becoming less mobile. You're no longer in natural social settings like work, school events, etc. Actively fight against isolation by involving yourself in social networks that all you to stay connected to others. One tip shared by a number of interviewees is to take advantage of classes and other learning opportunities. You get to meet new people who have a common interest and see them on a regular basis. For the introverts out there, you don't need to attend big social gatherings, but do push yourself to meet new people. For some ideas, check out The Introvert's Guide to Social Engagement (Harvard Health).

20. Plan Ahead on Where You'll Live and Share Your Post-Life Wishes

As you get older, you'll want to choose a place to live that will help you stay connected to the people you want to be with. A number of the interviewees commented on their move to a senior living community as one of the best decisions of their lives since it allows them to meet new people and "have a life." You'll also want to accept and adapt to your changing physical abilities and situation and select activities that fit the current-you. That might mean switching from breakdancing to swimming, or hiking less ambitious trails because the view may not be worth the risk of injury. As part of your planning, think about the decisions that others may need to make about you when you pass. To prevent arguments or speculation amongst your loved ones, state clearly what you want in writing.

Living a Life Without Regrets

21. Be Honest

Almost all the interviewees cited honesty as one of the major values and principles to live by. The longer you're alive the more you'll see the importance of integrity and trust. Dishonesty creates pressure and stress for you - keeping the facts straight, living with the fear of being found out, or dealing with the short- and long-term implications of a tarnished reputation. Living honestly seems to be the easier road to travel (even though it often feels like the harder one to take).

22. Say Yes to Opportunities

We can unknowingly limit ourselves because we're only aware of the things we've done and completely oblivious to what we could potentially do. To help you live life to the fullest, the elders interviewed in this book recommend saying yes to opportunities that come your way "unless you've got a really solid reason to say no." By being open to new ventures and experiences, you learn more about yourself to make even better decisions in the future. Move to a new country. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Do the thing you've been putting off until the right time. The interviewees who took a risk in their careers often look back with the most satisfaction in their work lives. Don't ask "why?" Ask "why not?"

23. Travel More

Rarely do people regret traveling too much. No matter how much traveling the interviewees did, most of them wished they had traveled more. As we get older, we may not be able to travel to as many places, so the elders recommend younger people to travel now while they have the time, physical ability, and freedom to do so. Because of the many benefits of traveling, prioritize it over other things you may spend money on. Travel will challenge you, broaden your horizons, and help you learn about yourself. Start by listing the places you want to go and book a trip today. You'll likely not regret that decision.

24. Select a Lifelong Mate with Extreme Care

There are three common scenarios that the interviewees highlight as potentially disastrous when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner:

1. "Fall passionately in love and commit immediately
2. Commit out of desperation that no one better will come along
3. Drift or fall into marriage without the choice or the reasons ever becoming clear"

Their core advice is to hit pause and think through this important decision. Don't rush because marrying the wrong person can be extremely painful. Take time to know the other person well (which isn't easy early in a relationship when everyone is putting their best foot forward). Observe the little things that may give you hints about who they are deep down and ask yourself whether it's something you can accept. Remember to look for similar core values (#1) and strong friendship (#2) as well to help you choose a mate that can bring you lifelong happiness. A good question to ask: "Is this the person you want by your side as you face tough life challenges?"

25. Say It Now

Countless movies have been made about the regret of leaving things unsaid. If there is something meaningful you want to say to someone, don't wait. Do it now. This might be telling someone how much you love them or apologizing to mend a relationship where you don't even remember what you were fighting about. Look to clear the air.

One piece of advice that stuck with me was, "Send flowers to the living. The dead never see them." You may also want to think about the questions you want to know especially from your aging parents - where did they come from, what were you like as a child, and what advice might they give on living a good life? You'll see at the end of this article a list of questions to ask the elders in your life.

Being Happy

26. Value Time Over Everything

Life is truly short and no group knows this better than the one interviewed for this book. Despite all the years they've been alive, the oldest folks in the group were the most surprised by how fast time has gone. Their advice is to seriously recognize how limited time really is and to purposefully decide how to take advantage of each day. They see each day as a gift and with an "unharvested abundance of pleasure, enjoyment, love, and beauty that many younger people miss."

To keep you from squandering the day you're given, purposefully use your life minutes. What is it that you want to do right now with your time? Be extra sensitive to phrases like, "I'll do [desired activity] when [future time or event occurs]," or "I can't wait until [insert positive result or event]" because that day may never come. Don't put things off that you've been wanting to do, learn, say, experience. Shift the focus from what is going to happen to what's happening now. Be more "lavish" with the present time because it's the only time you have. I've been guilty of saving a nice bottle of champagne until it goes bad or sparingly using expensive accessories for special occasions. We can't get back the days that passed, but we can make the most of the days ahead.

One idea that really stuck out for me from the interviews is to "skip the funerals and see your friends now." Here is what one interviewee shared:

"We’ve told most of our close friends: We’re not going to show up at their funerals because we can’t stand funerals. But we are going to show up at any party or happy thing they invite us to."

What a wonderful idea!

27. Choose Happiness on a Daily Basis

The interviewees strongly recommend taking responsibility for your own happiness and seeing happiness as a choice you make, and not a result of your current condition. If you find yourself in a situation you don't like, initiate change to move away from that. Although you won't be able to control what happens to you, you can choose your attitude and reactions to them. Feelings like anger, fear, disappointment, annoyance, and resentment are created from our thoughts and expectations even though we'll find it more convenient to blame others for causing those feelings. When you feel negative emotions, think about where it comes from and the story you're telling yourself. Then accept it, and let it go. You're in charge of your life - don't let outside forces impact how you feel and what you decide to do.

One way to choose happiness on a daily basis is to make happiness unconditional ("I'm happy in spite of ...") as opposed to conditional ("I'm happy if only ..."). Often when our happiness is dependent on something external, it's short-lived (even when you win the lottery). In the words of one of the interviewers, "Decide not to feel sorry for yourself - get up and do what you have to do to be happy. " 

28. Don't Waste Time Worrying

Time is limited and if you're squandering it worrying, you're not spending it living. Trust that it'll work out. Worrying, on its own, doesn't solve or help with anything. Not only will it not make a difference, but it'll also likely put you in a negative state. To help you gain back some time, recognize when you're worrying and re-purpose that time for something you want to do with your life - hit the gym, learn a language, travel, or spend time with people you enjoy spending time with.

Even when you have a reason to worry, don't spend your time ruminating about the potential negative outcome. If you're afraid of something, do what is in your power to prepare and plan for it instead of wasting energy worrying about it. Once you take action to mitigate what you think might happen, don't think about it anymore.

There's rarely a good reason or excuse to worry for the sake of worrying, but if you find yourself stuck in a worrying rut, which can happen, focus on the short term (the day, hour, or minute that you're in right now) as opposed to the long term implications of what you're worried about. Here is an interviewee's reflection that might help,

"I’ve learned a lot about life and nothing bothers me anymore. And it gets to be so, and it’s just the way it is. Acceptance, yes. If you don’t accept it, you go down the drain. Be calm, go with the flow. People worry about dying, about everything."

29. Savor the Little Things in Life

As we live life, it's easy to focus on the milestone moments of our lives - our birthday, our graduation, our wedding, our big promotion, our new house. Those events are worth celebrating, but often we might be missing opportunities to savor the micro-delights that occur daily in our lives - a smile from our child, the beautiful weather, a good swim, a funny text exchange. By noticing the little things in life that bring us joy, we are increasing our own happiness on a daily basis, which is important especially since we're not guaranteed the future. Find the daily treasures in your life. If you're looking for it, you'll find it. As someone who is often too future-oriented, I set a reminder to think about a daily delight at noon each day. It draws my attention to something positive and sets a great tone for the second half of the day.

30. Have Faith

Believe in something beyond you - this might be a religion, philosophy, or credo. Look for ways to be a part of a community and to have a spiritual practice that you can do with others. The interviewees have found faith helpful to place suffering in context and a belief in a higher power often focuses us to care not only for ourselves but others as well. One common refrain amongst the world's religions is the idea of the golden rule:

"Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." 

The golden rule works because to follow it, you'll need to empathize with other people and understand their perspectives and how they might feel about your actions. Being kind, showing compassion, lending a helping hand, and treating others with respect are some of the natural behaviors of following this time-tested rule.

So, you've made it to the end of this list! Hopefully, this list will help you make the most of the minutes ahead of you. We'll wrap with this final thought from one of the interviewees:

"I have had to live simply but eventually I realized that it is the best way for me to live. To know what is enough, not to use more than my share of the earth’s resources, to recognize the difference between wants and needs, to enjoy the pleasure of making something broken of use again, and learning to appreciate simple pleasures has made my life more satisfying and less worrisome. Happiness does not depend on how much we have but is based on personal success of skills and artistry, a sense of humor, the acquisition of knowledge, the refinement of character, the expression of gratitude, the satisfaction of helping others, the pleasure of friends, the comfort of family, and the joy of love."

Feel free to share this article with those who you think might benefit. Please share any life lessons you've learned that you might share with a younger you.

You can find a searchable directory of advice at The Legacy Project.

Questions to Ask the Elders in Your Life

If you have elders in your life that you would like to interview, here are ten questions Pillemer recommends:

1. What are some of the most important lessons you feel you have learned over the course of your life? If the person has difficulty getting started, try this follow-up question: If a young person asked you, “What have you learned in your X years in this world,” what would you tell him or her?

2. What kinds of advice would you have about getting and staying married? Follow-ups: What’s the secret of a long marriage? What mistakes should young people avoid regarding getting and staying married? What advice would you have for a younger couple thinking of calling it quits?

3. What kinds of advice do you have about raising children? Follow-ups: What mistakes should people avoid in child rearing?

4. Do you have any advice you can share about finding fulfilling work and how to succeed in a career?

5. Some people say that they have had difficult or stressful experiences but they have learned important lessons from them. Is that true for you? Can you give examples of what you learned?

6. As you look back over your life, do you see any “turning points”; that is, a key event or experience that changed the course of your life or set you on a different track? Follow-ups: What are some of the important choices or decisions you made that you have learned from?

7. What would you say you know now about living a happy and successful life that you didn’t know when you were twenty?

8. What would you say are the major values or principles that you live by?

9. Have you learned any lessons regarding staying in good health?

10. What advice would you give to people about growing older?

Photo by Peter Conlan

The post 30 Life Lessons from Over a Thousand People Who Have Lived a Full Life appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

If so, how do you know?

Don't worry if you're unsure - you're not alone. Happiness can be difficult to pin down. Are we happy or not? Is happiness an end state or an in-the-moment feeling? Is it both?

On top of all that, and more importantly, if we want to be happy, how do we get there?

Is it about smiling more? Making enough money to retire? Gaining recognition from our boss or peers? Trying one of these 10 ways to be happier when you're just fine?

No matter how happy you feel right now, you can be happier by recognizing and taking the three roads to happiness as described in Springboard: Launching Your Personal Search for Success. According to the University of Pennsylvania Professor Richard Shell, people use "happiness" to describe the following three things:

1. Momentary Happiness

These are the immediate moments of positive emotions - pleasure, satisfaction, contentment, or fun.

You can increase this type of happiness by slowing down and paying attention to your current experience - savoring the food you're eating, hugging a loved one, or feeling grateful for being able to read these words (which means you have good vision, and access to a computer, internet, and education). Try mindfulness meditation to help you pay more attention to the present moment. You might also consider managing your expectations, so you increase your chances of positive surprises and lower the chances of being disappointed.

What's one specific example of momentary happiness that you've experienced?

2. Overall Happiness

This is your overall judgment about how things have gone for you so far (past) or how things will go for you in the future. You're usually assessing your happiness over a block of time (how happy were you in your childhood, your last job, your first relationship, your college days, etc.)

You can increase this type of happiness by:

• Making health a key priority: start eating better, sleeping amply, and exercising regularly.
• Achieving some long-term goals: reflect on a goal you're proud of or pursue a goal you've wanted to achieve - write that novel, start that business, get that degree, live in that country, have those kids, or whatever else you might be putting off
• Investing in relationships: Spend time with people you enjoy and love and who love you. If needed, mend rifts with the important people in your life.
• Making enough money: Attain financial independence so you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Money alone may not lead to happiness, but financial resources are important for you to have autonomy over how you spend your time. Hopefully, you'll be spending that time with the people you love.

What's one specific example of overall happiness that you've experienced?

3. Deep Happiness

This is the feeling you get when you're experiencing flow, flourishing, or a sense of deep joy, connection, and meaning with those around you. Professor Shell draws parallels between deep happiness and the Hebrew word "simcha," defined by one of his interviewees as "the experience of the soul that comes when you are doing what you should be doing."

To increase deep happiness, find a way to serve a purpose higher than yourself. NYU's Jonathan Haidt suggests in The Happiness Hypothesis, that deep happiness comes from striving for "the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself." You get to define what is right.

What's one specific example of deep happiness that you've experienced? (answering this question may give you more insight into your definition of meaningful)

Hopefully, by recognizing the different ways you can experience happiness, you can identify concrete ways to live a happier life. Take a moment this week and assess whether your daily activities are helping you be happy. Which type of happiness do you want to prioritize? What might be something on this list that you can try during the coming week?

Please share any practices or behaviors that have helped you increase your Momentary, Overall, or Deep happiness in the comments section below.

If you want to dive deeper and figure out how to define success for yourself, consider taking Professor Shell's Success course on Coursera (free to audit). You can find other free courses along with our recommended reading on happiness and well-being on our recommendations page.

Photo by Stan B

The post The Three Roads to Happiness (or 3 Ways to Be Happier Throughout Your Lifetime) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Here’s what is great about exploring one topic through a variety of different channels: the same insights consistently show up across different people’s experiences. It’s validating. One such insight is that you can increase your happiness through intentional actions.

If you’re interested in being happier than you are right now, consider the following activities that seem to hold true for many:

1. Commit acts of kindness – whether it’s random or planned, take time out of your day to do something kind for someone else. This may be especially helpful if you’re feeling down on yourself since it takes the focus off you. It can also help you keep perspective, especially when you work with those who are in much tougher situations. In the Happy documentary, one individual increased his happiness through community service. His insight: “Life is a loan given by God and I have to pay it back with interest”.
2. Pursue intrinsic goals (personal growth, close connected relationships, community service) as opposed to extrinsic goals (money, image, status)
   • Spend more time with close family and friends. They will be with you until the end and particularly when times are tough.
   • Be what you want to be – it’s hard to be happy when you’re constantly trying to be what others want you to be. Even if you get there, you’ll most likely be disappointed. If you’re not sure what you want, take the Know What You Want online workshop (To take the course for free, email us referencing this article and we'll send you a sign-up code).
3. Add some variety to your life – whether it’s changing the music you typically listen to or taking a class on a topic foreign to you, varying your routine can revitalize your experience of the world.
4. Get some aerobic exercise – movement releases dopamine and other hormones related to your mood. It’s easy to understand and even easier to put off. The hardest part about getting exercise is to start, so don’t delay. Just put on your training shoes and get to the gym, or wherever you go for exercise. Getting ample sleep is another good way to quickly boost your mood.
5. Strive to get into flow more often – flow is what happens when you’re so absorbed in an activity that you lose track of time. People often report feeling better during and after being in flow. If you're not sure how to create the conditions to get into flow, check out this article.
6. Feel in control of your situation – when things aren’t going your way, it’s easy to blame others or the circumstances. This puts you at the whim of the universe, which can often lead to unhappiness. One way to address this dynamic is to take extreme ownership of everything that happens to you so you take back control of how you live your life.
7. Build up your resilience – resilience is the ability to recover quickly when unfortunate things happen to you. One method I’ve found helpful is to diversify your life cornerstones. If achieving your work goals is a major cornerstone for you, avoid other work-related cornerstones. Consider health, relationships, or other unrelated areas where you can invest your time and energy. This way if one area of your life is not going well, you can lean into the other areas.
8. Step off the hedonic treadmill – if you find yourself trying to keep up with others on material goods or prestige (for example: type of car, status of job or school, etc.), know that you can opt out of this dissatisfaction-inducing competition. There is no need to run a race that gets you nowhere.
9. Find ways to sincerely give thanks - focus on what you have versus what you don’t have. If you can read this article, you have something to be grateful for because it means you can read one of the most common languages in the world, have access to internet, and have free time to read. Think about 2-3 specific things you’re grateful for each day to increase your happiness.
10. See time as a gift that you can use or waste. In Tim Urban’s popular article, Your Life in Weeks, he broke up our lifespan by months and then by weeks to highlight that no matter how we slice it, our time is finite. Although this realization may seem morbid, my hope is that it will encourage you to make the most out of the limited time you have.

Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert's research shows that we tend to overestimate the intensity and duration of our emotional responses to good and bad events. The good feelings you think you’ll get when you hit the lottery, get promoted, or meet your soul mate is most likely short-lived. Conversely, the lows you might be feeling now because of a job loss, bad break-up, or health issue might fade much faster than you think.

No matter what your current mood might be, consider the actions above to increase your happiness. You might also want to take this Coursera class on the Science of Well-Being.

If you have any good books or other media on increasing happiness, please share it in the comments section.

Photo by Sebastián León Prado

The post 10 Ways to Be Happier When You’re Feeling Just Fine appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

• Published: December 2010
• ISBN-10: 0553386395
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: Our brain is an anticipation machine that continually prepares itself for the future based on what has happened in the past. We can change our experiences and our brain by directing our attention and creating new neural pathways. Perception is always a blend of what we are sensing now (feeling) and what we've learned previously (shortcut). Understanding what impacts our perception allows us to manage our perceptions and respond as opposed to react to what happens to us.

The post Mindsight by Daniel Siegel appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life - Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg

• Published: September 1, 2015 (3rd Edition)
• ISBN-10: 189200528X
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (highly recommended)

EP Main Takeaway: Express your needs honestly and receive your requests empathically. Take responsibility for your feelings. it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes what we feel. Stimulus is not the cause.

The post Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

If you can read and understand these words, that means you:

• have access to electricity, a computer or phone, and the internet
• have free time to peruse articles
• can read and speak one of the most useful languages in the world

Take time to appreciate how lucky you are to be in your situation - this should make you feel better.

Remember: We can't choose what happens to us but we can choose our reaction to what happens to us. 

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."

- Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust Survivor and Author of Man's Search for Meaning

Photo by Sharmin Akther Amy

The post When the world is unfair to you … appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

As a parent, I imagined endless whining and moping and an annoying summer all around. Surprisingly, that didn't happen. He didn't even cry at the doctor's office.

I've never been in a cast before but I would  imagine it being an irritating and uncomfortable experience at best. Which is why my son's non-reaction to this entire experience amazed me.

Jake adjusted to the cast immediately and  acted as if the cast has been a part of him all of his life. He climbed on things and moved about just as much as before. He slept well and didn't complain at all.

Despite his good mood, everyone felt sorry for him.

We certainly did.

My parents especially.

All of our friends as well.

Strangers too.

Everyone would ask him if he's okay and the question puzzled him - "why wouldn't I be ok?"

Perhaps ignorance is bliss but Jake's response taught me an important lesson:

When facing setbacks or unexpected misfortune, act as if it was planned and meant to be.

If we adopt this mindset, the entire focus changes away from the past and into the present. By staying in the moment, we pay attention to what we can do to continue moving forward with our lives.

This is easy to understand yet difficult to do because we are fighting our natural response to pity ourselves. We've been conditioned by watching others who become sad and regretful, blame others or complain non-stop when something goes wrong. When we experience a setback, it's easy to feel that life has been unfair to us and now we are entitled to special treatment or at least a good excuse to be a bit more self-centered.

Although this is the common reaction, it's hardly an effective one. Think back to when something bad happened to you and you just moped or got angry with those around you. There are typically no winners in that situation. You're not in a better mood and now others are feeling bad as well.

Next time you get passed over for your promotion, rejected by your love interest or fall ill unexpectedly, act as if this was meant to happen and a normal occurrence. This mindset of acceptance will help you get on with your life.

My four-year old nephew sums it all beautifully in a rhyme he learned in school:

"You get what you get but you don't get upset."

Pay attention to kids - they can teach us a lot.

Here is another one I learned from babies on how to always achieve your goals.

Update - My son's cast is officially off  and right before his first day of daycare. What great timing!

The post What my two-year old taught me about managing setbacks appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Whether you've just lost your job or you've been looking for some time now, the uncertainty can be both frustrating and scary.

In an interview with LocalJobNetwork.com, I discuss how people hold themselves back from getting a job and share tips for helping them improve their chances for employment.

To listen to this interview, click here.

For more insights, check out the following articles:

What to Do When You Lose Your Job

Job-Search Mistakes You Don't Realize You're Making

Why Going Back to School is a Bad Idea

Remember: Take responsibility for your situation and stay positive

If you have any questions, write them in the comments section and I'll be sure to respond. This way others can benefit from the answer if they have a similar issue.

The post Insights for Getting a Job – Articles and Interview appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

This third interview of the Modeling Success Series reminds me why I love what I do and how much I enjoy meeting and learning from extraordinary people. I came away from this particular interview reinvigorated towards living my passion. The person who had such an energizing effect on me was Frances Hesselbein, President and CEO of the Frances Hesselbein Leadership Institute.

Ms. Hesselbein was also the former CEO of the Girls Scouts of the USA and recipient of countless awards including the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States. As I entered her office overlooking Park Avenue in New York, I couldn't help but notice her wall, covered in either books or honorary doctorates. She must have noticed because she started our journey together with this story:

After thanking her for allowing me to be a fellow traveler that morning, Ms. Hesselbein enlightened me with her personal definition of success. She knows she is successful when she lives by her main rule of conduct (which she jokes is tattooed on her shoulder with invisible ink):

To Serve is to Live

On that front, she's certainly been very successful.

She also lives by two of Peter Drucker's pearls of wisdom:

"Think first. Speak last."

"Ask. Don't tell."

- Peter Drucker

Simple instructions that lead to a life of success. I've added these 3 principles to my own rules of conduct and have seen great results both personally and professionally. Speaking last has been especially helpful.

Successful people rarely achieve success on their own. Behind every great person is a vast network of people willing to help. To be extraordinary, it is crucial to connect and collaborate with other extraordinary people. Listen to the next audio to find out good ways to connect with like-minded people and leaders.

Audio - Connecting with Leaders - 0:37

The last piece of advice in that audio is to "find great excitement in moving beyond the walls".

Walls protect.

They also limit.

To make an impact in the world, we have to step out of our "walls". We need to leave behind what is safe and familiar to create new paths for ourselves and others to follow. This is not easy and most people stay within their self-imposed boundaries or those set by society. Great people usually have the same boundaries as ordinary people. The difference is great people choose to step across it.

One question that I often ask successful people is:

What do you do when you're not making progress fast enough?

I enjoyed Ms. Hesselbein's answer very much. Listen for yourself in the audio below.

Audio - Progress Too Slow? - 1:26

When was the last time you compared your results with your activity to decide which tasks are truly important to do?

If it was a long time ago or you've never done it, take time to thoughtfully reflect on your results and tasks today. Which activities really matter and which are just nice to do?

Times are always changing and what worked for you today will not work for you tomorrow. Be flexible by challenging yourself and your actions. Keep yourself accountable by being critical of your own performance.

Listen to the audio below to learn what that means.

Audio - Be Critical of Yourself in a Good Way - 1:22

We then switched gears and I asked Ms. Hesselbein a question I get asked all the time by my clients:

"Should I take this opportunity?"

Again, she answered it in such a nice way that I'll rather you hear it from her directly.

Audio - Courage to Take Opportunities - 0:53

What will you use to test whether an opportunity is right for you?

Is your current situation furthering your mission? If not, are you willing to close the door and open a new one?

One of the major takeaways from this interview revolves around Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote:

"Be ye an opener of doors ..."

We learn everyday and it is our responsibility to share that with others. Think of ways today to open doors for other people. If you can't think of anything, start literally and move on from there.

Audio - Opener of Doors - 0:31 

To get more of Frances Hesselbein and her great advice, I highly recommend viewing Frances Hesselbein's Global Webinars and checking out other useful resources on the Frances Hesselbein Leadership Institute website.

During the end of my interview with Ms. Hesselbein, I noticed the view from her window was a gloomy one. It was raining and everything was gray outside. When I asked her what she sees outside of the window, her answer was ...

... a bright future.

This was the perfect example of "looking out the window and seeing what is visible and not yet seen".

Listen below to hear why she is so positive (hint: it is not because of her blood type).

Audio - A Bright Future - 4:42

So What Will I Model?

1. Respect everyone - shown by BOTH my actions and my words
2. Actively open doors for other people by sharing with them what and who I know
3. Live by my own definition of success and continuously find and take on other more resourceful rules of conduct such as:
   • To serve is to live
   • Think first, speak last
   • Ask. Don't tell.
4. Be mission-focused., values-based and demographics-driven.
   • Why do I do what I do?
   • What are my beliefs and am I sticking to them?
   • Who am I serving and how can I serve them better?
5. Connect with others by moving beyond my comfort zone
6. Examine what I'm doing to make sure it is important relative to my mission
7. Learn to be more flexible so when what works for me today stops working for me tomorrow, I can shift gears quickly
8. Close the doors on opportunities that don't achieve my mission and open new ones
9. Stay positive and be optimistic
   

What will you model?

The post Modeling Success Series – Frances Hesselbein – #3 appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

"Don't worry. Be happy."

Just four words with two simple suggestions.

Yet, it's easier said than done.

Why is that?

Think about it for a few seconds before reading on.

"Don't worry. Be happy."

Did you come up with anything?

If not, don't worry. It's not an easy question.

One of the main reasons we find it hard to apply this simple phrase is because we're not really sure how to do it. How do we stop worrying? What does it mean to be happy? Should I smile?

If it is so difficult to apply, why do we nod our head in understanding and agreement when people tell us not to worry? Instead, we should look at our well-intentioned friend (or stranger) in the eye and ask sincerely, "How do I stop worrying?".

Of course, that question will likely be met with confused and concerned faces. Before you alarm anyone, perhaps you can glean some helpful tips from this article. Before we go into those tips, let's analyze what worrying really is.

Scenario: You have to give a big presentation tomorrow and you are worried that you will make a mistake and embarrass yourself.

When you worry, you basically do three things:

1. You mentally create a negative scenario of the future - you vividly imagine forgetting what you wanted to say and doing poorly on your presentation. You picture the audience on their phones or walking out of the room.
2. You convince yourself that this situation is possible - you truly believe that the mental image you just created can really happen.
3. You feel all the negative emotions as you anticipate the negative outcome - you feel anxiety and fear over what you believe you will experience in the future even though it hasn't happened.

Think of a situation that worries you and see if you go through the three steps outlined above. The reason worrying affects us so strongly is because:

Our mind cannot distinguish between something that we vividly imagined and our real experience.

Research has shown that our memories are merely reconstructions of our experience. When you imagine in detail a negative outcome, you feel the emotions associated with that outcome.

One effective way to deal with worrying is to ignore it altogether. Recognize it for what it is - a made-up belief that a negative scenario may happen and a replaying of that scenario in a way that evokes the negative emotions associated with it. Recognize that nothing has happened yet and there is no reason to respond and put yourself in a state of anxiety.

Having understood the components of worry, take it one step further, and harness the power of worry for good. Just change the formula by ...

Exchanging the negative future scenario for a positive future scenario.

So let's review what that means in terms of our scenario and the three steps:

1. You mentally create a POSITIVE scenario of the future - you vividly imagine performing exceptionally well on the presentation and getting both recognition and appreciation from your boss and peers.
2. You convince yourself that this situation is possible - you truly believe that the mental image you just created can really happen.
3. You feel all the positive emotions as you anticipate the positive outcome - you feel confidence and faith over what you believe you will experience in the future even though it hasn't happened.

There is nothing wrong with considering possible risks in the future. Scenario planning allows us to be proactive and create contingencies that can save us from danger. What is less helpful is spending your time and energy worrying and feeling the negative emotions associated with a potential future that hasn't happened yet.

The next time you find yourself worrying:

• Recognize immediately that the negative outcome has not happened and it is not more likely to happen than a positive outcome.
• Think of the best possible future outcome.
• Mentally rehearse the future outcome vividly.
• Allow yourself to feel the positive emotions associated with truly believing the positive future outcome is possible.

Here is an example of using this method if you are single and worried about finding someone:

1. Recognize that being alone for the rest of your life is just as likely to happen as finding someone.
2. Imagine finding the perfect partner and vividly rehearse this future outcome as if it was going to happen. What do you see? What do you hear? How do you feel?
3. Know that this positive future outcome is possible and allow yourself to feel the positive emotions that come from this realization.
4. Bonus: To bring your positive outcome to life, channel the positive emotions from this exercise to do something productive towards achieving your outcome. I would start by setting a proper goal to find the perfect partner.

We just covered the "Don't worry" part. How about "Be happy"?

That's a little easier. Smiling is a great start. Following your passion will keep it going.

If you enjoyed this article, share it with others. Let me know in the comment section if you were able to successfully worry in a good way.

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