1. Your Starting Point Matters — But What You Do Next Matters More

Buffett begins with something we often forget: luck.

He’s candid about his advantaged upbringing and grateful for the environment that allowed him to thrive. But he didn’t coast. He used what he had — opportunities, relationships, teachers, mentors — and worked consistently over decades. Even at 95, he still goes into the office five days a week.

Take a moment and acknowledge the advantages and outside influences that helped you get here. Then remember: disadvantages don’t have to stop you. Progress comes from what you do with what you have.

Buffett puts it well:

“You will never be perfect, but you can always be better.”

Life won’t be fair, but it will teach you.

2. "Get the Right Heroes and Copy Them"

Buffett frequently mentioned the people who have shaped him — Charlie Munger, Don Keough, Tom Murphy, Stan Lipsey, and others.

Not one of them is known for flashiness or fame. They’re known for character, a quality that Buffett values.

Try this right now:

Write down three people you admire and the quality you admire most about each.
Then ask: How can I practice one of these qualities this week?

3. Don’t Let Past Mistakes Define You

Buffett opens his final thoughts with a reminder we all need:

“Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes – learn at least a little from them and move on.” 

Any time you mess up, take these two essential steps:

• Learn from it
• Move on

The key is remembering to do both quickly.

4. Know What You Want Your Obituary to Say

Buffett tells the story of Alfred Nobel accidentally reading his own obituary — and being horrified by what it said. That moment pushed him to reshape his life’s direction.

His challenge to us:

“Decide what you would like your obituary to say and live the life to deserve it.” 

A few questions worth sitting with:

• What would I want my obituary to say?

• Who would I want delivering my eulogy — and what would I want them to say?

• Are my daily actions moving me toward that version of myself?

If not, today is a good day to realign.

5. Be Kind and Compassionate (Especially When It’s Inconvenient)

Buffett reminds us that:

"Kindness is costless but also priceless."

It’s easy to be kind to people we like or people we care about impressing. But true compassion shows up when there’s nothing to gain.

A simple question to consider:

How can I be kind to someone I might normally overlook?

6. Buffett's Formula for Success

When Buffett looks back, the themes he highlights are surprisingly ordinary:

• Build long-term friendships.

• Work with people you admire and respect.

• Stay curious.

• Focus on substance, not image.

• Stick to your core competence.

• Help others quietly and consistently.

• Play the long game and let your efforts compound.

These elements are not sexy and won't go viral any time soon — but they work.

Final Takeaway: Life Is Long… Until It Isn’t

Buffett recognizes that:

“Father Time… is undefeated.”

We should too. Recognizing that truth isn’t depressing — it’s clarifying.
It reminds us to live the life we want now, not someday.

If you enjoyed these lessons, you might also appreciate this:

👉 30 Life Lessons from 1,000 People Who’ve Lived a Full Life

Wishing you a rewarding life!

The post Warren Buffett’s Final Letter: Lessons Learned from a Rewarding Life appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Start early. Be consistent. Let it grow.

All solid advice.

What if you took the same idea and applied it to everything else that matters?

Instead of reaping dividends only in dollars, how might you earn them in other important areas of your life?

Here are five of the most valuable places to invest your time, energy, and attention, so you can harvest the fruits of your efforts for many years to come:

1. Memories: The Compound Interest of Joy

You don’t remember what you bought three years ago. But you do remember that late-night talk with a friend, the spontaneous trip, or the family dinner where everyone couldn’t stop laughing.

Memories are emotional currency. They don’t just bring you joy in the moment—they gain value with time. I often scroll through short clips of my kids and friends and can't help be in a better mood. The more meaningful moments you create, the more grateful and optimistic you tend to become. A bank of joyful memories makes future challenges easier to face.

Life Dividends:

• Stronger relationships

• A richer personal narrative

• Resilience during hard times

• A more positive lens on life

Practical Tips:

• Create a “memory fund”—a monthly budget for doing something memorable with people you love (even $25 can go a long way).

• Prioritize firsts—first hikes, first performances, first projects together. Firsts stand out.

• Capture and reflect—take one photo or jot a note each week or month about a moment you want to remember. Just remember to savor the moment as opposed (Why Photographers Miss Out On Life).

2. Knowledge: Returns That Outperform Any Market

A single insight can change your life. A book, podcast, or conversation might offer a new way to solve a problem, connect with others, or navigate a challenge. (Here are our recommended books, free online courses, and quotes)

But here’s the real magic: the more you learn, the easier it becomes to learn more. New knowledge connects with what you already know, forming deeper understanding, faster recall, and sharper judgment.

And it doesn’t just help you solve problems—it makes life richer. A person who understands art enjoys a museum more. A person who studies human behavior navigates relationships more wisely. A person who understands how systems work sees opportunities others miss. If you're not sure what to learn, just follow your interests.

Knowledge compounds. The more you use it, the more valuable it becomes.

Life Dividends:

• Better decision-making

• Expanded opportunities

• Greater appreciation of everyday experiences

• Accelerated learning over time

Practical Tips:

• Keep a “learning ledger”—write down one insight every two weeks and how you applied it. (Take a look at our book summaries for inspiration)

• Choose resources with a purpose. Don’t just consume—implement.

• Teach others what you learn. That’s when it really sticks.

3. Relationships: The Most Undervalued Asset

Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They grow through consistent deposits—attention, encouragement, shared experience.

These investments don’t just pay you back emotionally. They provide support, perspective, and energy when you need them most.

And here’s the overlooked benefit: great relationships make everything else easier. When you have people who believe in you, challenge you, or simply listen well, you make better decisions, bounce back faster, and enjoy life more.

Life Dividends:

• Deeper connection

• Support during transition

• A sense of belonging and purpose

• A stronger foundation for personal growth

Practical Tips:

• Set a recurring reminder to reach out to someone you care about each week. Instead of sending flowers when someone passes away, send it to them when they are still alive.

• Celebrate small wins with others—new jobs, personal milestones, even silly victories.

• Create rituals: monthly calls, quarterly dinners, annual trips. Rituals help keep relationships strong.

4. Health: The Freedom Multiplier

As we get older, our fitness and mobility naturally declines. Investing in your body and mind today extends your options, stamina, and presence tomorrow.

What’s more: health amplifies everything else. When you’re rested, fueled, and clear-headed, you think better, work better, and stay consistent with other habits.

Life Dividends:

• More energy and clarity

• Better mood and focus

• Ability to fully engage in life

• Greater consistency in your other goals

Practical Tips:

• Choose one keystone habit—sleep, Zone 2 exercise, healthy diet, daily stretching—and protect it.

• Track how you feel after your habits, not just what you did.

• Stack small wins: movement, hydration, sleep—improve 1%, consistently.

5. Skills: Tools That Keep Opening Doors

Skills give you options. Communication, leadership, coding, design, writing—whatever your craft, developing it creates leverage for you.

And once you have a skill, no one can take it away from you. You carry it into every job, relationship, and opportunity.

Skills also create momentum. The confidence you gain from learning one skill makes it easier to tackle the next. And as your skillset expands, so does your sense of identity and self-trust.

Life Dividends:

• Career leverage

• Creative freedom

• A stronger sense of self-efficacy

• Motivation and momentum to learn more

Practical Tips:

• Pick one skill that excites you and solves a real problem in your life.

• Schedule consistent “practice sessions”—even 20 minutes a day compounds.

• Use it in real life. Apply what you’re learning to your work or community.

The Real ROI: A Life That Keeps Paying You Back

You won’t always see the return right away.

But the time you spent showing up for a friend?
The walk you took instead of doom-scrolling?
The book you underlined and actually used?
The skill you practiced even when no one was watching?

Those moments don’t disappear.
They compound.

They show up later—as strength when life gets messy, clarity when choices get hard, and joy when you need it most.

So yes—invest in your future.
But don’t forget to invest in what makes your future worth living.

Because the best dividends in life don’t show up in your bank account.
They show up in the quality of your life.

👉 What’s one small investment you can make today— that your future self will thank you for tomorrow?

The post The Best Investments Pay Life Dividends appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

“Now the tragedy of an attachment is that if its object is not attained it causes unhappiness. But if it is attained, it does not cause happiness—it merely causes a flash of pleasure followed by weariness; and it is always accompanied, of course, by the anxiety that you may lose the object of your attachment.”

This resonated deeply with me because I began to see how much of my own stress and anxiety stemmed from attachment—whether it was to outcomes, ideas, or relationships. I started to notice how fleeting the “flash of pleasure” is—whether it’s landing a publisher for my book or completing a marathon—and how it’s often followed by that nagging fear of loss or the need to hold onto what I’ve achieved.

As I’ve been working to become more aware of these attachments in my daily life, I’m still learning just how difficult it can be to truly let go. The idea of living more freely and without clinging to outcomes is something I’m actively practicing, and it’s definitely a work in progress. I’ve found that it’s not about detaching from life or giving up on goals, but about learning to engage with things more mindfully, without being so tightly bound to them.

In this article, I want to share some of the signs that are helping me recognize attachment in my own life—whether it’s through constant worry, the need for control, or over-reliance on external validation. I’ve also included some practical steps I’m experimenting with to help let go, so we can all work toward finding more peace, freedom, and contentment in our journeys.

Here are 18 signs of attachment, ways to recognize them, real-life examples, and practical tips to help you loosen the grip.

1. You Constantly Worry About the Future

How to Recognize: You find yourself stuck in 'what if' scenarios and struggle to stay present because you're always thinking about what's coming next. You're stressing about things that haven't happened yet.

Attachment: You're attached to controlling or predicting the future.

Example: Before a big meeting, you’re overwhelmed with anxiety about how it will go, replaying possible outcomes in your head.

How to Let Go: Schedule “worry time” for 10 minutes, where you allow yourself to think about the future. Once time's up, bring your attention back to the present by focusing on your breathing or surroundings.

2. Change Makes You Uncomfortable

How to Recognize: You feel uneasy or anxious whenever something shifts in your routine, even if it's a small change. You display strong emotional responses when things don't stay the same and have difficulty accepting that things change, whether it's aging, relationships, or life circumstances.

Attachment: You're clinging to stability and fear the unknown. You’re attached to the idea that things should stay the same.

Example: A coworker moves a meeting or a friend cancels plans, and it leaves you feeling disoriented or upset for the rest of the day. You feel stressed about getting older or resist changes in your relationships, clinging to how things used to be.

How to Let Go: Ease yourself into change by making small adjustments in your routine, like taking a different route to work or trying new foods, to build your comfort with flexibility. Focus on how changes have brought growth in the past, and try to embrace the flow of life as it evolves.

3. You’re Obsessed with Controlling Everything

How to Recognize: You feel anxious when things don’t go exactly as planned, and you often try to dictate how others should behave or handle situations.

Attachment: You're attached to controlling people and outcomes.

Example: You get frustrated when coworkers don’t follow your detailed instructions and feel the need to step in and “fix” things.

How to Let Go: Focus on controlling your own actions and let go of trying to manage others. When you feel the urge to micromanage, remind yourself that others are capable and that it’s okay if things are done differently.

4. Your Mood Rides on Success or Failure

How to Recognize: You feel on top of the world when you succeed but devastated when things don’t go as planned. You feel like a failure when you don’t meet certain milestones or achievements.

Attachment: You're attaching your self-worth to external achievements. You’re attached to success as a measure of your self-worth.

Example: You feel euphoric when you get a promotion, but if you don’t, you spiral into self-doubt and question your abilities. You feel disappointed and unworthy after not hitting a financial or career goal, questioning your value.

How to Let Go: Acknowledge that neither success nor failure defines you. Focus on personal growth, effort, and resilience, knowing that failure is part of the process and doesn’t diminish your worth. Success is just one part of who you are.

5. You Rely Heavily of Others for Emotional Stability

How to Recognize: You feel anxious or insecure when someone you care about doesn’t give you the attention you expect.

Attachment: You’re attached to seeking validation and emotional support from others.

Example: You feel neglected when a friend doesn’t respond to your texts right away, leading to feelings of insecurity.

How to Let Go: Cultivate emotional independence by practicing self-soothing activities like meditation, journaling, or exercising. Understand that you can manage your emotions without relying on others for reassurance.

6. You Can’t Handle Different Opinions

How to Recognize: You get defensive or upset when someone challenges your beliefs or disagrees with you.

Attachment: You're attached to being right or having others agree with you.

Example: You find yourself arguing at social gatherings when people have differing political or personal views.

How to Let Go: Practice listening without reacting. Allow yourself to hear other perspectives without feeling the need to prove your point. Acknowledge that it’s okay for people to have different opinions.

7. You Seek Pleasure and Avoid Discomfort

How to Recognize: You constantly seek distractions or comfort when faced with stress, avoiding anything unpleasant. You feel empty or dissatisfied when pleasure or excitement fades.

Attachment: You’re attached to chasing pleasure and avoiding discomfort.

Example: After a long day, you automatically binge-watch TV or overeat to escape your stress, avoiding confronting your emotions.

How to Let Go: Start by acknowledging discomfort when it arises instead of immediately avoiding it. Try sitting with your feelings for a few minutes, allowing yourself to experience them without judgment. Tara Brach's RAIN method might help.

8. You Need Everything to Be Perfect

How to Recognize: You find yourself getting upset over small things or reacting impulsively when things don’t go as planned.

Attachment: You're attached to the idea that things should always go smoothly or to an ideal of perfection.

Example: You feel frustrated for hours after a small mistake at work or a minor inconvenience like a traffic delay. You redo a project multiple times because it doesn’t meet your exact vision, even though it’s already good enough.

How to Let Go: Pause and take a few deep breaths before reacting. Ask yourself if the situation is worth the emotional energy you're giving it, and practice letting go of the need for everything to go perfectly. Embrace imperfection as part of life. Focus on progress over perfection, and allow yourself to be satisfied with doing your best rather than chasing an unattainable ideal.

9. You’re Overly Attached to Material Things

How to Recognize: You feel anxious or distressed if something you own is damaged or lost. You compare yourself to others based on material success or possessions.

Attachment: You’re attached to possessions as a source of security or identity.

Example: When your phone gets a scratch, you feel a wave of frustration even though it still works perfectly. You feel down when your friend upgrades their car.

How to Let Go: Practice gratitude for the function of your belongings, not their appearance. Begin decluttering, starting with items you no longer need, to reduce your attachment to material things.

10. You Crave Validation from Others

How to Recognize: You often seek praise or approval from others and feel discouraged when you don’t receive it.

Attachment: You’re attached to external validation for your self-worth.

Example: You post on social media and feel down if you don’t get as many likes or comments as you expected.

How to Let Go: Build internal validation by reflecting on your own accomplishments and strengths. Celebrate small wins privately and remind yourself that others' approval doesn’t define your worth.

11. You Struggle with Letting Go of the Past

How to Recognize: You replay past events, wishing you could change the outcome or dwelling on mistakes. You tend to hold onto grudges for past wrongs.

Attachment: You’re attached to how things could have been.

Example: You keep thinking about an argument you had last week, obsessing over what you should have said differently.

How to Let Go: Accept that the past is unchangeable. Focus on what you’ve learned from the experience and how it can guide you moving forward.

12. You Define Yourself by Your Role or Title

How to Recognize: You feel lost or insecure when your role or job title changes, or you cling to the identity tied to your work.

Attachment: You’re attached to your identity as defined by external roles.

Example: You feel uncertain and uneasy after changing jobs or losing a professional title that defined you for years.

How to Let Go: Reflect on your values, passions, and relationships outside of work. Explore other aspects of your identity that aren’t tied to career or titles.

13. You Expect Relationships or Situations to Stay the Same

How to Recognize: You feel upset or insecure when people or situations in your life change.

Attachment: You’re attached to the idea that relationships or circumstances should remain constant.

Example: You feel disappointed when a close friend’s new job means they have less time to spend with you.

How to Let Go: Accept that all relationships evolve. Focus on nurturing your connection in its current form and appreciate the time you do have, rather than clinging to what it used to be.

14. You’re Always Comparing Yourself to Others

How to Recognize: You frequently feel inadequate or jealous when you compare your achievements or lifestyle to others.

Attachment: You’re attached to external measures of success.

Example: You feel envious when a colleague gets a promotion or a friend buys a new house, leading you to question your own progress.

How to Let Go: Shift your focus to your own journey. Celebrate others’ success without comparing it to your own, and remind yourself that everyone’s path is different.

15. You Take On Other People’s Problems

How to Recognize: You feel responsible for fixing others’ issues, even when they don’t ask for help.

Attachment: You’re attached to solving problems for others to feel needed.

Example: You feel drained and overwhelmed by trying to help a friend through their financial struggles, even when they haven’t asked for your intervention.

How to Let Go: Set boundaries and remind yourself that others are responsible for their own lives. Offer support, but don’t feel obligated to fix everything for them.

16. Uncertainty Makes You Anxious

How to Recognize: You feel uncomfortable or anxious when things don’t go according to plan or when the future is unclear.

Attachment: You’re attached to certainty and predictability.

Example: Last-minute changes to your schedule cause you to feel anxious and out of control.

How to Let Go: Practice embracing uncertainty by allowing parts of your day to remain unplanned. Try small spontaneous actions to build comfort with the unknown.

17. You Fear Leaving Your Comfort Zone

How to Recognize: You feel anxious or resistant when faced with new experiences or challenges outside of your familiar routine.

Attachment: You’re attached to the security of your comfort zone.

Example: You stay in a job you don’t like because the idea of starting something new feels overwhelming and risky.

How to Let Go: Start by taking small, manageable steps outside your comfort zone. Whether it’s learning a new skill or meeting new people, gradually challenge yourself to embrace the unfamiliar.

18. Your Identity Relies on External Success

How to Recognize: You feel like a failure when you don’t meet certain milestones or achievements, questioning your value. You judge other people based on their external success markers.

Attachment: You’re attached to success as a measure of your self-worth.

Example: You feel disappointed and unworthy after not hitting a financial or career goal, leading you to question your abilities.

How to Let Go: Acknowledge that neither success nor failure defines you. Focus on personal growth, effort, and resilience, knowing that failure is part of the process and doesn’t diminish your worth. Be aware when you judge others and see it as a projection of your own insecurity.

Letting Go of Attachment

Letting go starts with simply noticing where attachment shows up in your life. Pick one area—whether it's worrying about the future, craving approval, or needing to control everything—and start working on loosening your grip. It doesn’t have to be a big change. Try focusing on one small thing, like letting go of the need for everything to be perfect or practicing being okay with uncertainty.

Over time, as you take these small steps, you’ll start to feel more at ease, more present, and less weighed down by stress. It’s a gradual process, but even a little shift can make a big difference.

Try This:

• Pick one thing you tend to cling to, like perfectionism or worrying.
• Set a small, specific goal for this week—whether that’s allowing things to be “good enough” or giving yourself just 10 minutes to worry and then moving on.
• At the end of each day, check in with yourself. How did it feel to let go, even just a little?

The more you practice, the more you’ll find that letting go brings a sense of freedom and peace that’s hard to get when you’re holding on too tight.

What’s something you’re working on letting go of? I’d love to hear your thoughts—share in the comments below!

Photo by Jon Moore

The post 18 Warning Signs You’re Too Attached – And What to Do About It appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

• Because we know someone well, we know what they're thinking
• If they really knew us, they would totally get what we're hinting at
• They're not paying close enough attention and I shouldn't have to spell it out for them

These beliefs are under the faulty assumption that everyone's thought process is similar to our own. Take the silent treatment, for example. If that's your go-to move when you're angry, chances are when someone gives you the cold shoulder, you'll jump to the conclusion they're mad (even if they're just sorting through their feelings).

Sure, the longer you've known someone, the better you might understand their quirks and habits. Unfortunately, knowing someone like the back of your hand doesn't grant you superpowers to read their mind. Instead of playing the guessing game, just ask them what they are thinking or feeling and really listen to what they've got to say. When someone asks you what's going on with you, tell them instead of expecting them to know what you're thinking.

This tip can help reduce miscommunication and unnecessary drama.

Remember: No one can read minds 

For additional tips to build healthy relationships, check out this two-part series with Dr. John and Julie Gottman on the Happiness Lab podcast:

The post No one is a mind reader (Relationship Quick Tip #4) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls...are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”

Work is a rubber ball (a blue sky-bounce handball for your Brooklynites)!

This visual comes in handy whenever I'm deciding what to do with the never-ending list of things I can do at work or the different opportunities that come my way. These priorities are also in line with what researcher Karl Pillemer found after interviewing thousands of adults over the age of 70 on their advice to live a fulfilling life.

The post Work is a rubber ball appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

So, how can you practically value your time over money?

Track your time

The first step to valuing your time is to track it. Use a time-tracking app or a simple spreadsheet to record how you spend your time. This will help you identify where your time is going and make more conscious decisions about how to spend your time. A few time wasters to flag when doing this exercise are any time you're spending to:

• Worry about what-ifs and what-if-nots
• Live and replay the past for whatever reason
• Fantasize about the future
• Take too long to decide on things that are reversible and matter very little (like what you're going to eat for lunch or whether or not you should buy those shoes on Amazon)

Set priorities and create a time budget

Once you have an idea of how you're spending your time, set priorities. What's most important to you? What do you value? Is it spending time with loved ones, pursuing a hobby, or advancing your career? Decide what matters most and make sure you're spending your time accordingly. One way to do that is to budget your time for the week to come and determine how much time you'll allocate to your key activities. This will help you make more intentional choices about how you spend your time. Take a moment and think about what you want your life to look like during your final years - who do you want around you? what would you like to accomplish? what physical condition would you like to be in? How you invest your time now will bring you either closer or further away from that vision.

Learn to say NO

Now that you have clarity about your vision of your life, you'll need to protect it by setting boundaries and saying no to things that don't align with your goals, value, and vision. Saying no can be difficult, but it's important if you want to value your time. If someone asks you to do something that doesn't align with your priorities, politely decline. This will free up your time for the things that matter most to you. A reframe that worked for me is to remember that saying yes to someone else is often saying no to myself.

Outsource and delegate

Often, when we track our time, we feel that everything we're doing right now is necessary to do. This may be true, but what isn't true is that you'll need to do everything yourself. Whenever possible, look for ways to outsource and delegate as many of your tasks as possible so you can free up your time (your most precious resource). Often, this will give others the opportunity to learn and grow and relieve you of tasks you may not want to do or do not fall into your area of expertise. You'll also be poised to take advantage of unexpected opportunities that may arise.

Avoid multitasking or being perfect

There is enough research now that shows multitasking is not only a less effective use of time but often a source of stress. You're better off focusing on one task at a time and giving it your full attention (assuming the task is an important one - I'm all for listening to a podcast while folding laundry). Another way to gain back time is to let go of perfectionism and the need to control every situation. Sometimes good enough is good enough. Don't spend excessive time on tasks that don't require it. This practice will help you feel more comfortable delegating to others.

Schedule downtime and take breaks

As part of your time budget, schedule downtime to recharge your batteries. Whether it's watching your favorite TV show or taking a walk outside, make sure you're taking breaks throughout the day to give your brain a rest. This is assuming that you're getting ample sleep. If you're not getting enough sleep, prioritize that in your time budget.

Practice mindfulness and be present

Mindfulness can help you stay focused on the present moment and become aware that each moment carries a choice around how you want to spend your time. By practicing mindfulness meditation, you can catch yourself slipping into poor uses of time and adjust. I found Dan Harris's book 10% Happier and Jon Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness for Beginners a good place to start if you want to learn. Being present will allow you to fully enjoy the experience and value the time you're spending.

Invest your time like you invest any other important resource. Be intentional, deliberate, and rigorous. Your time is what makes up your life (4000 weeks), so spend it wisely. Click here for a visual representation of how much time you have left to invest (a la Tim Urban's post: The Tail End).

Photo by Aron Visuals 

The post How to Value Time Over Money appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

First and foremost, it's important to understand that regret is a natural part of the human experience. Research has shown that we tend to regret the things we didn't do more than the things we did do. This makes sense when you consider that, as humans, we are wired to seek out new experiences and take risks. When we don't take those risks, we can feel like we've missed out on something important.

If you're struggling with regret over something you did, the first step is to try to undo it or make amends. Apologizing and taking steps to repair the situation can be a powerful way to start the process of moving past your regret. If that's not possible, try reframing the situation. Instead of saying, "If only I didn't do..." use "At least..." and focus on how the situation didn't turn out worse or an unexpected positive outcome.

For example, let's say you regret picking a major in Chemistry in college. Instead of dwelling on the "if only" statements, try reframing them with an "at least" statement. "At least it's differentiated me from my peers in the training and coaching industry" or "At least I didn't go to grad school for chemistry."

A common source of regret is things left unsaid. We may wish we had spoken up in a certain situation, or that we had expressed our feelings more clearly to someone. In these cases, it's often possible to undo the regret by taking action. If we feel like we missed an opportunity to say something important, we can try to reach out to the person and express ourselves now.

Another powerful tool for dealing with regret is self-disclosure. Talking to someone you trust about your regret can be a great way to acknowledge and process your feelings. Alternatively, you can write about your regret in a private journal. This can help you gain perspective and move past the regret.

Self-compassion is another important tool for dealing with regret. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who was going through a difficult time. What would you say to them? Use those same words to comfort and support yourself. This can help normalize and neutralize your feelings of regret, making them feel less overwhelming.

Finally, it's important to learn from your regrets. What did you learn from the situation? What can you take away from it that will help you in the future? Regret can be a powerful teacher if you allow it to be. Reflect on your experience and use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future. When it comes to future decisions, we can try to anticipate regret by considering what our values and goals are. Research suggests that there are four core regrets that people tend to have: not building a solid foundation for the future, not taking sensible risks, not doing the right thing, and not connecting with others. By keeping these regrets in mind, we can try to make decisions that align with our values and minimize the likelihood of future regret.

Of course, the best way to deal with regret is to avoid it in the first place. This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some strategies you can use to help minimize the likelihood of regretting your decisions. Daniel Pink, in his book "The Power of Regret," suggests that we "satsifice" on most decisions, especially if we're not dealing with one of the four core regrets. Essentially, this means we should aim for good enough instead of perfect for decisions that won't have a huge impact on our lives.

On the other hand, for crucial decisions that fall under the four core regrets, we should maximize our efforts. Project yourself into the future and ask yourself what will help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others. This can help you make decisions that align with your values and decrease the chances of regret in the future.

Regret shows us what we care about and helps us grow. So don't beat yourself up too much about it. Acknowledge the regret, practice self-compassion, and use it as a learning experience for the future.

Photo by Kenny Eliason

The post Practical Tips for Dealing with Regret appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

To help you make the most out of the life ahead of you, Cornell Professor Dr. Karl Pillemer has compiled the practical advice of over 1500 people in their 70s and beyond on how to live a fulfilling life. Since these individuals have actually lived their life, they have a perspective that we don't have (Imagine if you could tell the younger you what you know now...)

Before covering Dr. Pillemer's 30 Lessons for Living, here is a preview of the advice common to almost all of the people interviewed:

• Happiness is a choice and not a result of how life treats you - life is "too short to waste on pessimism, boredom, and disillusionment." None of the interviewees associated happiness with "working as hard as you can to make money to buy whatever you want."
• When possible, take the plunge - say yes to opportunities because it'll enrich your life
• Pursue meaningful work that you look forward to every day
• Travel
• Don't go to bed angry
• Be honest with yourself and others
• Avoid judgment - let others, including yourself, live their life

The 30 lessons are organized into six major sections with five lessons for each section (this is a long post so feel free to skip around):

• Marriage or building deep relationships with your lifelong partner
• Pursuing a meaningful career
• Raising children
• Aging gracefully
• Living a life without regrets
• Being happy

Marriage or Building Deep Relationships with Your Lifelong Partner

1. Find a Partner Who Shares Your Core Values and Is Your Friend

The original advice in the book was "Marry Someone a Lot Like You." Since we can be similar in many ways to someone, yet have different values, the focus when finding a lifelong partner is to find alignment between your approaches to life. Note the emphasis on finding alignment as opposed to creating alignment. Often, it's easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we or the other person will convert to make the relationship work, but that's rarely the case. If you value saving money as a path to a good life, and the other person values spending money as a path to a good life, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle to make the relationship work. Recognize that to take this advice, you'll need to be clear about your own values (how to figure out your values).

2. Make Sure You're Friends

Are you good friends with your lifelong partner?

In addition to having similar core values, you also want someone you enjoy spending time with. Our friends are people we want to see because we like talking to them and can relax around them. The interviewees recommend that, when possible, you should marry your best friend (maybe being placed in the "friend zone" is not a bad thing. Now, if you're in the friend zone, consider sharing this article with your friend who you would like to be more than a friend)

3. Don't Keep Score

Great relationships are not transactional. Both sides are trying to contribute more to the relationship. In The 80/80 Marriage, husband-and-wife team Kaley and Nate Kemp recommends each partner focus on contributing 80% to building the best possible relationship. By focusing on increasing your own contributions, you will pay more attention to what else you can do as opposed to what else the other person should be doing.

Ask, "What can I do for my partner? How can I make my partner a little happier today?" as opposed to "Am I getting what I need from my partner?" Look for ways to give more than you can get. If you're truly friends (lesson #2), the other person will likely reciprocate. Doesn't hurt to keep one-upping each other in showing your love.

4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

To keep the relationship running smoothly, you'll need to be able to talk through conflict. You won't always agree with the other person, but if you can't talk through it, resentment builds. Although the advice is to talk to each other, a big part of defusing the situation is to listen to your partner and sincerely and clearly show that you're listening. That means acknowledging what you're hearing and playing back what you heard. Always let the other person have their say. One question that might help unknot a struggle is to ask, "Which one of us is this more important to?" Knowing this will make it easier for the other person to let it go (especially if you're focusing on advice #3).

5. Commit to the Promise You've Made to Each Other

Since I can remember, divorce rates seems to be trending up and getting steeper. There are positive reasons for separation such as people feeling empowered to leave relationships that are not working out freeing both parties to find better partners. At the same time, some of the interviewees suggest treating marriage, or the promise to stay together, as less of a "voluntary partnership" but as a "profound cultural arrangement" that should be entered into seriously both when deciding to marry and when deciding to part. This advice seems easier if you follow #1-4. One way to help you go the distance is to avoid going to bed angry - most disagreements "aren't worth more than a day's combat."

Pursuing a Meaningful Career

6. Choose a Career that You Enjoy, Not Just One That Makes You Money

When the interviewees looked in the rearview mirror after a long life, one thing that was clear is that "time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime." Look for a job, calling, career, whatever you want to call it, that makes you happy and sits at the intersection of what you love, what you're good at, and what serves others (so you can reap some form of financial reward - those bills don't pay themselves). Work that leads to personal growth, meaningful relationships, and contribution to the community will often result in a happier life. Since we spend much of our adult lives working, find work where the work itself fulfills you and you have a passion for it.

7.  Don't Give Up on Looking for a Job That Makes You Happy

It's likely that you read advice #6 and said, "That might work for some people, but that's just not feasible for me. Besides, I don't need to be happy at work. Work is work and play is play." Of course, you're entitled to choose whichever path you would like. See each piece of advice as something the future-you might tell the present-you.

If you're not finding your work meaningful or fulfilling, those who have gone ahead of you recommend that you don't stop trying to find a job you would really enjoy. Take a moment right now and think about whether you enjoyed going to work this past week/month. If not, what would you enjoy doing? Don't get hung up on feasibility for now - just brainstorm what jobs you would love to do or try. Consider taking the Know What You Want Workshop to help you figure it out (it's free if you're serious about completing it - just find the code at the bottom of this article on 30 Qualities of Highly Successful People).

The interviewees advise: "Don't be afraid to move around and try different things, no matter how old you are." Do give yourself a time limit to figure things out and understand that you'll often need to take a risk to make a move toward the job that makes you happy.

8. Make the Most of a Bad Job

As you're continuing to look for the job you love (#7) to be in a career that is intrinsically rewarding (#6), you may still need to put up with the job you have. To help you cope, focus on doing what you can to leverage your current job to help you refine what you want, what your capabilities are, and what's right for you. Learn as much as you can about yourself and pay attention to which work activities energize you and which drain you. Study what makes good bosses, colleagues, and businesses strong and what makes poor leaders, co-workers, and companies weak. No matter what job you're in, do it well so you continue to build your reputation, confidence, and competence.

9. Develop Emotional Intelligence

Your ability to work well with others is critical for your success. Whether you're inspiring others, gaining consensus, or building deep relationships, it's often the soft skills that propel you in your career, especially at the more senior levels. A linchpin to emotional intelligence is having and showing empathy. You will likely hit on the right approach if you keep in mind that others don't have the same goals, motivations, or beliefs as you do. You'll find yourself more accepting of others and slow in judging their way of working.

Cultivate the humility to recognize that almost always others will know more about their particular area than you do and the key to working well with others is to keep the focus on them and their needs. Rarely will people care about your goals and KPIs above their own. One piece of advice from the interviewees is to "take others seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously."

10. Prioritize Autonomy

Early in our lives, we have more time than we know what to do with so it's easy to give it away to others or to use it less sparingly. Many of us are very willing to trade in our time for money, which we need to live the life we want. As you'll see in advice #26, as we get older, time becomes our most precious resource, and we'll want to be more hesitant to trade time for money. It's easy to choose a career based on potential earnings, but it's a high cost if those earnings come at the expense of your independence (especially if you don't love what you do). Prioritize gaining more freedom from the job you have - to do so practically, you'll often need to be 1) excellent at your job, 2) living below your means, and 3) focused on valuing time over money.

Raising Children

11. Maximize the Quantity of Time Spent Together

When spending time with your children, quality AND quantity matter. Closeness in a relationship comes from being together. I learned this lesson firsthand going through the COVID-19 pandemic. By being at home more, I realized that my kids would open up to me, not when I asked them how their day went, but during random times when we were together taking a walk, watching a show, or drawing unicorns. It made me wonder how many of these moments I was missing when I was away either physically or mentally.

According to those who have lived a long life, your children "don’t want your money (or what your money buys) anywhere near as much as they want you. Specifically, they want you with them." In practice, this might mean indulging in the activities they want to do, as opposed to imposing what you want to do together as a family (I'm still trying to work on this!) If you're serious about building a relationship with your kids, measure the time you spend being present with your kids or other loved ones as a good way to gauge quality time. Be willing to sacrifice other commitments to have this shared time. A bonus for spending time with your kids is that you have a better sense of who they are, what they are going through, what they enjoy doing, and how they see the world.

12. Avoid Showing Favoritism

It's normal to have favorites - maybe your child shares common interests with you, or has a similar personality, but it's critical to never show favoritism to your children. Kids pick up on favorites - my older son recently accused us of favoring his younger brother because we have more of his brother's drawings up on the wall. We didn't even realize we were doing that since the real reason for the lopsided balance of wall art is that our younger son is constantly asking us to put his drawings on the wall. Be aware of your words and actions that may be interpreted or misinterpreted as favoring one child over another. One thing you can do to reduce this risk is to avoid comparing your kids. For more tips, check out Siblings Without Rivalry.

13. Don't Hit Your Kids

This might be a controversial piece of advice depending on where you're from and your cultural upbringing. As with all advice, do what will work for you. One question I've found helpful to ask myself when needing to discipline is, "Would I treat any other person the way I'm about to treat my child?" This is much harder to do when I'm hijacked by anger. I try to keep in mind the advice from the interviewees that "discipline should be very quiet and controlled, but kind," since they've seen the longer-term fall out of their actions.

Physical punishment may feel like it's solving the immediate problem, but it may teach your child lessons that you may not want them to learn such as "I need to do everything I can to please authority figures," "force wins when words don't," "it's ok to hurt others if they aren't doing what I want them to do." 20 years of research show that corporal punishment does more harm than good. According to the interviewees, hitting is a failure in parenting, and they believed "in firmness, in maintaining a clear moral compass, and in setting limits. But they are remarkably unified on the idea that corporal punishment of children is a disciplinary dead end that spoils the relationship, leaving emotional marks that last long after childhood."

14. Do Whatever You Can to Prevent Rifts

Interviewees who were estranged from their children strongly regretted losing the bond with their kids. Reflecting back on how heavily this rift weighed on them and the pain they felt as life went on, they recommend avoiding it at all costs. If you sense a rift is occurring, take the lead to act immediately to defuse it. This will often mean being the first to apologize or compromise. The longer you wait to mend a break the harder it becomes to reconcile. In some cases, it never blows over and you become separated forever. Although what you are fighting over may seem important at that moment, it's likely not worth severing the relationship you have with your child.

15.  Build a Lifelong Relationship with Your Children

It's easy as parents to focus on launching our children into adulthood. Although helping our children grow up to live the life they want is critical, you'll want to be a part of their lives. No matter their age, look for ways to help them feel welcome at home and be open to sharing things with you. A good way to do so is to be non-judgmental. No one wants to be nagged at, constantly be given advice, or told that they should be living their life another way (no matter how good your intentions might be). Enjoy their company and act in ways so they enjoy yours.

Aging Gracefully

16. Look Forward to Being Old (It's better than you think!)

In some cultures, being an elder is revered and respected. In others, it can feel more like a looming expiration date of one's relevance. What is inevitable is that we will get older and if we're lucky, we'll become very old. Those who are squarely in that camp right now advise us to not waste time worrying about aging. They highlight how being old comes with a "sense of calm and easiness in daily life" where you can do whatever you want. You're no longer shackled by the expectations or responsibilities you might feel earlier in life (or maybe you just care less). That sounds like something to look forward to!

17. Act Now like You Will Need Your Body for a Hundred Years

Many of the interviewees highlight the importance of taking care of your body now. They emphasize that "it's not dying you should worry about it - it's chronic disease." Often the result of poor health decisions is not an early death, but decades of suffering for you and those who need to take care of you. When deciding today whether to eat right or exercise, understand that your health choices and habits accumulate. The focus is not on how long you will live, but on how you are going to live. Hopefully, this advice will give you pause when you hear yourself justifying a poor life choice with the excuse, "So what? We all have to die sometime." For some guidance, check out this free healthy living guide from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

18. Don't Fret About Dying

Those who are closest to the end of their lives find themselves worrying less about dying. They found that they end up falling into "a mix of interest, curiosity, and acceptance." If those who need to worry most about dying aren't doing so, why should you?

19. Actively Stay Connected to Others

As you become older, it's natural for your social circles to shrink. People you know may have moved away or passed away. You're becoming less mobile. You're no longer in natural social settings like work, school events, etc. Actively fight against isolation by involving yourself in social networks that all you to stay connected to others. One tip shared by a number of interviewees is to take advantage of classes and other learning opportunities. You get to meet new people who have a common interest and see them on a regular basis. For the introverts out there, you don't need to attend big social gatherings, but do push yourself to meet new people. For some ideas, check out The Introvert's Guide to Social Engagement (Harvard Health).

20. Plan Ahead on Where You'll Live and Share Your Post-Life Wishes

As you get older, you'll want to choose a place to live that will help you stay connected to the people you want to be with. A number of the interviewees commented on their move to a senior living community as one of the best decisions of their lives since it allows them to meet new people and "have a life." You'll also want to accept and adapt to your changing physical abilities and situation and select activities that fit the current-you. That might mean switching from breakdancing to swimming, or hiking less ambitious trails because the view may not be worth the risk of injury. As part of your planning, think about the decisions that others may need to make about you when you pass. To prevent arguments or speculation amongst your loved ones, state clearly what you want in writing.

Living a Life Without Regrets

21. Be Honest

Almost all the interviewees cited honesty as one of the major values and principles to live by. The longer you're alive the more you'll see the importance of integrity and trust. Dishonesty creates pressure and stress for you - keeping the facts straight, living with the fear of being found out, or dealing with the short- and long-term implications of a tarnished reputation. Living honestly seems to be the easier road to travel (even though it often feels like the harder one to take).

22. Say Yes to Opportunities

We can unknowingly limit ourselves because we're only aware of the things we've done and completely oblivious to what we could potentially do. To help you live life to the fullest, the elders interviewed in this book recommend saying yes to opportunities that come your way "unless you've got a really solid reason to say no." By being open to new ventures and experiences, you learn more about yourself to make even better decisions in the future. Move to a new country. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Do the thing you've been putting off until the right time. The interviewees who took a risk in their careers often look back with the most satisfaction in their work lives. Don't ask "why?" Ask "why not?"

23. Travel More

Rarely do people regret traveling too much. No matter how much traveling the interviewees did, most of them wished they had traveled more. As we get older, we may not be able to travel to as many places, so the elders recommend younger people to travel now while they have the time, physical ability, and freedom to do so. Because of the many benefits of traveling, prioritize it over other things you may spend money on. Travel will challenge you, broaden your horizons, and help you learn about yourself. Start by listing the places you want to go and book a trip today. You'll likely not regret that decision.

24. Select a Lifelong Mate with Extreme Care

There are three common scenarios that the interviewees highlight as potentially disastrous when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner:

1. "Fall passionately in love and commit immediately
2. Commit out of desperation that no one better will come along
3. Drift or fall into marriage without the choice or the reasons ever becoming clear"

Their core advice is to hit pause and think through this important decision. Don't rush because marrying the wrong person can be extremely painful. Take time to know the other person well (which isn't easy early in a relationship when everyone is putting their best foot forward). Observe the little things that may give you hints about who they are deep down and ask yourself whether it's something you can accept. Remember to look for similar core values (#1) and strong friendship (#2) as well to help you choose a mate that can bring you lifelong happiness. A good question to ask: "Is this the person you want by your side as you face tough life challenges?"

25. Say It Now

Countless movies have been made about the regret of leaving things unsaid. If there is something meaningful you want to say to someone, don't wait. Do it now. This might be telling someone how much you love them or apologizing to mend a relationship where you don't even remember what you were fighting about. Look to clear the air.

One piece of advice that stuck with me was, "Send flowers to the living. The dead never see them." You may also want to think about the questions you want to know especially from your aging parents - where did they come from, what were you like as a child, and what advice might they give on living a good life? You'll see at the end of this article a list of questions to ask the elders in your life.

Being Happy

26. Value Time Over Everything

Life is truly short and no group knows this better than the one interviewed for this book. Despite all the years they've been alive, the oldest folks in the group were the most surprised by how fast time has gone. Their advice is to seriously recognize how limited time really is and to purposefully decide how to take advantage of each day. They see each day as a gift and with an "unharvested abundance of pleasure, enjoyment, love, and beauty that many younger people miss."

To keep you from squandering the day you're given, purposefully use your life minutes. What is it that you want to do right now with your time? Be extra sensitive to phrases like, "I'll do [desired activity] when [future time or event occurs]," or "I can't wait until [insert positive result or event]" because that day may never come. Don't put things off that you've been wanting to do, learn, say, experience. Shift the focus from what is going to happen to what's happening now. Be more "lavish" with the present time because it's the only time you have. I've been guilty of saving a nice bottle of champagne until it goes bad or sparingly using expensive accessories for special occasions. We can't get back the days that passed, but we can make the most of the days ahead.

One idea that really stuck out for me from the interviews is to "skip the funerals and see your friends now." Here is what one interviewee shared:

"We’ve told most of our close friends: We’re not going to show up at their funerals because we can’t stand funerals. But we are going to show up at any party or happy thing they invite us to."

What a wonderful idea!

27. Choose Happiness on a Daily Basis

The interviewees strongly recommend taking responsibility for your own happiness and seeing happiness as a choice you make, and not a result of your current condition. If you find yourself in a situation you don't like, initiate change to move away from that. Although you won't be able to control what happens to you, you can choose your attitude and reactions to them. Feelings like anger, fear, disappointment, annoyance, and resentment are created from our thoughts and expectations even though we'll find it more convenient to blame others for causing those feelings. When you feel negative emotions, think about where it comes from and the story you're telling yourself. Then accept it, and let it go. You're in charge of your life - don't let outside forces impact how you feel and what you decide to do.

One way to choose happiness on a daily basis is to make happiness unconditional ("I'm happy in spite of ...") as opposed to conditional ("I'm happy if only ..."). Often when our happiness is dependent on something external, it's short-lived (even when you win the lottery). In the words of one of the interviewers, "Decide not to feel sorry for yourself - get up and do what you have to do to be happy. " 

28. Don't Waste Time Worrying

Time is limited and if you're squandering it worrying, you're not spending it living. Trust that it'll work out. Worrying, on its own, doesn't solve or help with anything. Not only will it not make a difference, but it'll also likely put you in a negative state. To help you gain back some time, recognize when you're worrying and re-purpose that time for something you want to do with your life - hit the gym, learn a language, travel, or spend time with people you enjoy spending time with.

Even when you have a reason to worry, don't spend your time ruminating about the potential negative outcome. If you're afraid of something, do what is in your power to prepare and plan for it instead of wasting energy worrying about it. Once you take action to mitigate what you think might happen, don't think about it anymore.

There's rarely a good reason or excuse to worry for the sake of worrying, but if you find yourself stuck in a worrying rut, which can happen, focus on the short term (the day, hour, or minute that you're in right now) as opposed to the long term implications of what you're worried about. Here is an interviewee's reflection that might help,

"I’ve learned a lot about life and nothing bothers me anymore. And it gets to be so, and it’s just the way it is. Acceptance, yes. If you don’t accept it, you go down the drain. Be calm, go with the flow. People worry about dying, about everything."

29. Savor the Little Things in Life

As we live life, it's easy to focus on the milestone moments of our lives - our birthday, our graduation, our wedding, our big promotion, our new house. Those events are worth celebrating, but often we might be missing opportunities to savor the micro-delights that occur daily in our lives - a smile from our child, the beautiful weather, a good swim, a funny text exchange. By noticing the little things in life that bring us joy, we are increasing our own happiness on a daily basis, which is important especially since we're not guaranteed the future. Find the daily treasures in your life. If you're looking for it, you'll find it. As someone who is often too future-oriented, I set a reminder to think about a daily delight at noon each day. It draws my attention to something positive and sets a great tone for the second half of the day.

30. Have Faith

Believe in something beyond you - this might be a religion, philosophy, or credo. Look for ways to be a part of a community and to have a spiritual practice that you can do with others. The interviewees have found faith helpful to place suffering in context and a belief in a higher power often focuses us to care not only for ourselves but others as well. One common refrain amongst the world's religions is the idea of the golden rule:

"Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." 

The golden rule works because to follow it, you'll need to empathize with other people and understand their perspectives and how they might feel about your actions. Being kind, showing compassion, lending a helping hand, and treating others with respect are some of the natural behaviors of following this time-tested rule.

So, you've made it to the end of this list! Hopefully, this list will help you make the most of the minutes ahead of you. We'll wrap with this final thought from one of the interviewees:

"I have had to live simply but eventually I realized that it is the best way for me to live. To know what is enough, not to use more than my share of the earth’s resources, to recognize the difference between wants and needs, to enjoy the pleasure of making something broken of use again, and learning to appreciate simple pleasures has made my life more satisfying and less worrisome. Happiness does not depend on how much we have but is based on personal success of skills and artistry, a sense of humor, the acquisition of knowledge, the refinement of character, the expression of gratitude, the satisfaction of helping others, the pleasure of friends, the comfort of family, and the joy of love."

Feel free to share this article with those who you think might benefit. Please share any life lessons you've learned that you might share with a younger you.

You can find a searchable directory of advice at The Legacy Project.

Questions to Ask the Elders in Your Life

If you have elders in your life that you would like to interview, here are ten questions Pillemer recommends:

1. What are some of the most important lessons you feel you have learned over the course of your life? If the person has difficulty getting started, try this follow-up question: If a young person asked you, “What have you learned in your X years in this world,” what would you tell him or her?

2. What kinds of advice would you have about getting and staying married? Follow-ups: What’s the secret of a long marriage? What mistakes should young people avoid regarding getting and staying married? What advice would you have for a younger couple thinking of calling it quits?

3. What kinds of advice do you have about raising children? Follow-ups: What mistakes should people avoid in child rearing?

4. Do you have any advice you can share about finding fulfilling work and how to succeed in a career?

5. Some people say that they have had difficult or stressful experiences but they have learned important lessons from them. Is that true for you? Can you give examples of what you learned?

6. As you look back over your life, do you see any “turning points”; that is, a key event or experience that changed the course of your life or set you on a different track? Follow-ups: What are some of the important choices or decisions you made that you have learned from?

7. What would you say you know now about living a happy and successful life that you didn’t know when you were twenty?

8. What would you say are the major values or principles that you live by?

9. Have you learned any lessons regarding staying in good health?

10. What advice would you give to people about growing older?

Photo by Peter Conlan

The post 30 Life Lessons from Over a Thousand People Who Have Lived a Full Life appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

"Stop letting it bother you. Why don't you let it go."

"Let it go, it'll feel better."

If only it were that easy. Often, we hear this well-meaning advice precisely with feelings that we're finding impossible to let go of or even to stop thinking about.
According to Dr. David Hawkins, author of Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, letting go is difficult because:

"part of ourselves is attached to the familiar, no matter how painful or inefficient it is. It may seem bizarre, but our self with a small “s” actually enjoys an impoverished life and all the negativity that goes with it: feeling unworthy, being invalidated, judging others and ourselves, being inflated, always “winning” and being “right,” grieving the past, fearing the future, nursing our wounds, craving assurance, and seeking love instead of giving it."

There is a benefit for us to hold on to negative feelings (or else we wouldn't be doing it). If we were to let go of them, we may no longer be "at the mercy of the world" or the victim. We'll no longer have any excuses to lean on or anyone else to blame. We become responsible for what is happening to us and how our lives have turned out. Harsh or Empowering?

For many of us, it's easy to suppress (consciously) or repress (unconsciously) our feelings especially when we feel fear, guilt, or shame around those feelings. Unfortunately, the emotions we push down end up resurfacing in different ways - ultra-sensitivity to what people say, misperception of what people are trying to do, or increasing stress that others will find out about our feelings. We are better off facing, expressing, and letting go of our feelings so we can neutralize and release them.

Here is how to actually let go:

Step 1: Feel the feeling and avoid the thoughts

Allow yourself to "have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it." I used to think the goal was to be aware of the feeling and then do the work to "address" it. Whether it's telling myself I shouldn't be feeling that way, or trying to ignore it altogether, I would often miss this important first step to just feel the feeling. I now realize that resisting the feeling is what keeps it going. A nuanced, yet important element is to focus on the feeling itself, not the thoughts that the feelings generated.

For example, if I was feeling indignant about a comment made during a meeting, I should accept that I'm feeling indignant and focus on how that feels. Am I breathing in a more shallow way? Am I clenching my jaw? What I want to avoid ruminating about are the thoughts that easily follow my feelings, "What did she mean by that? I bet she is making me look bad, so she can get that promotion." Thoughts arise when you try to explain or rationalize your inner feelings. Just because your thoughts are believable, it doesn't make them true.

Summary: Accept that you're annoyed and focus on how annoyance shows up for you. Resist the urge to think about what's causing your annoyance and other people's intentions.

Step 2: Stay with the feeling and let it run its course without taking action

As you continue to feel the feeling, other emotions may arise about how the situation is going. Keep the same process and allow those feelings to arise. Don't dismiss the feeling or put it aside. Stay with it. Keep asking yourself what's happening in the present moment (reality) as opposed to what the other person's intentions were (blind speculation). The gamechanger for me was to realize that emotions are like balloons filled with air. If you keep letting the air out by feeling the feeling, it'll eventually run out of air. If you suppress the feeling, it's like blowing air into the balloon until it one day pops. Sometimes letting go of one feeling causes another one to arise. Repeat the process of letting go of subsequent negative feelings. For example, as the feeling of being indignant passes and my jaw unclenches, I begin to feel frustrated in the form of pressure in my sternum and shallow breathing. Continue to focus on the feeling as opposed to thinking about why you're frustrated ("I'm going to let this person get away with bad behavior.")

Feeling, thinking, and acting are different even though they are tightly related. Feeling leads to thinking and acting. Thinking can lead to feelings and actions. Actions can lead to feelings and thinking. To let a feeling run its course, feel without thinking or taking action. Just observe. You may want to be curious about what positive outcome the feeling is creating for you. For example, feeling indignant may garner sympathy for others or justify your unruly behavior.

Summary: Feel your annoyance without expressing your annoyance. If you have to think, figure out what benefit this feeling might be giving you.

Step 3: Express positive feelings and surrender negative ones

In most cases, you may not need to take action at all, but if you wanted to act in a situation where you're feeling a negative emotion, consider the opposing positive emotion and act in accordance with that emotion. For example, if I'm feeling indignant about the situation, my most likely behavior is to challenge the people or the ideas that are being brought up. Instead, if I allow the emotion to pass, I can consider the opposing positive emotion of indignant, which is content. If I were content, I might act to support what was being said, as opposed to undermining it. Not only have I let go of being indignant, but I have also let go of my resistance to being content. When we hold on to negative emotions, we don't realize that we're crowding out the positive ones that we want to fill our lives. Let the surrendering of a negative emotion remind you of the positive emotion you could be expressing.

To let go means allowing ourselves to experience the feeling without changing it even if the feeling is not a positive one. Don't deny what's there. When you accept that you have both positive and negative emotions, you began to accept not only your own humanness but those of others. Our willingness to face down our own jealousy knowing that it will pass helps us have compassion for those around us who may feel passing jealousy and are dealing with it at the moment. It's the feeling that we repress or suppress, that we "punish" others for. Not because they should be punished, but that's how we signal that we are holding down this emotion within us. Be curious about the feelings that you have trouble surrendering. What positive outcome does that feeling create for you?

Summary: Once you've let your annoyance run its course without acting on it, think about the opposing positive emotion and act on that emotion. The opposite of being annoyed is being pleased. If you step into the feeling of being pleased, you may express gratitude or smile.

Now, I'm not advocating that you thank the person that is annoying you (although you could). We often carry the negative emotion with us well beyond the situation that triggered the negative emotion, which is why we have trouble letting it go. The switch to expressing the opposite positive emotion happens only after you let go of the negative emotion. This is not easy to do, and I'm still struggling, but I found feeling the negative feeling to let go of it and expressing the opposite positive feeling a good way to complete the cycle of letting go.

"Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind."

"Let go of anticipating the next moment, trying to control it, trying to hang on to the moment that has just passed. Let go clinging to what has just occurred. Let go trying to control what you think is about to occur."

Feelings are transitory. You are not your feelings. Like beach waves, feelings come and go, and you are merely seeing them come in. You just happen to be close enough that you feel it each time those waves wash ashore. Accept the feelings you don't think you should be having or are still here - let them come and go. Don't judge the feeling - learn from it. Since each emotion is serving you in some way, figure out what the emotion is doing for you. Ask yourself, "What am I getting [emotion] for?" Usually, emotion is helping us address a fear or to achieve happiness.

For example, "What am I getting angry at my kids for?"

Answer: "To prevent them from growing up to be spoiled brats." or "To justify to other parents that I'm a good parent."  

To let go in this example, I'll focus on how anger manifests for me - shallow breathing through the nose and furrowed brow. I'll do my best not to express anger (raising my voice or or saying something I'll regret). Once the anger passes, I'll consider acting on the opposing positive emotion (calm and delight) and ask my kids, "What happened" in a neutral voice. (As I mentioned earlier, easier said than done, but this approach will likely better achieve my ultimate goal of building a long-lasting relationship with them.)

You know you're doing this well when you don't find yourself taking action based on strong emotion. "It's okay if it happens, and it's okay if it doesn't"

To make letting go easier, Hawkins suggests we let go of some commonly held beliefs:

1. We only deserve things through hard work, struggle, sacrifice, and effort (instead of judging who is deserving, just do you)
2. Suffering is beneficial and good for us (instead of sacrificing and suffering, focus on not resisting positive feelings)
3. We don’t get anything for nothing (instead of fighting for everything, try receiving it)
4. Things that are very simple aren’t worth much (instead of discarding the simple, find as many simple solutions that work to make your life easier)
5. We could have done something differently in the past (instead of beating yourself up, recognize that you did what you thought was best to do at the time)
6. People should repay us for the things we do for them (instead of getting angry when they don't. see it as your generosity to them)
7. The way to get a thing is to want it (Instead of keeping the pressure on for fear of losing something, see pressure as the very thing that pushes what you want away. Losing patience is a form of pressure.)

Reflect on this powerful thought by David Hawkins (Letting Go):

"We could take the same protective actions out of love rather than out of fear. Can we not care for our bodies because we appreciate and value them, rather than out of fear of disease and dying? Can we not be of service to others in our life out of love, rather than out of fear of losing them? Can we not be polite and courteous to strangers because we care for our fellow human beings, rather than because we fear losing their good opinion of us? Can we not do a good job because we care about the quality of our performance and we care about our fellow workers? Can we not perform our job well because we care about the recipients of our services, rather than just the fear of losing our jobs or pursuing our own ambition?"

What do you want to let go of today?

Photo by Brett Jordan

The post How to Actually Let Go appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Take a moment right now, and think of an important relationship for you. Maybe it's one of your children, a co-worker, or a close friend. Now write down any expectations you might have of that person. For those of you who wrote something down, consider letting go of those expectations and see how that relationship goes.

Instead of expectations, which are typically decided by one side and rarely communicated to the other side, consider shared goals and commitments, which require communication and agreement from both sides. A relationship starts when two people or groups make a commitment to each other (first date). The relationship continues if both sides are satisfied with how the last commitment was fulfilled (second and third date). Relationships deepen as people escalate their commitments to each other (vacationing together, meeting the parents, getting married, having kids).

To enhance your personal and professional relationships: Expect less, commit more. 

The post Expect Less (Relationship Quick Tip #3) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.