"Stop letting it bother you. Why don't you let it go."

"Let it go, it'll feel better."

If only it were that easy. Often, we hear this well-meaning advice precisely with feelings that we're finding impossible to let go of or even to stop thinking about.
According to Dr. David Hawkins, author of Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, letting go is difficult because:

"part of ourselves is attached to the familiar, no matter how painful or inefficient it is. It may seem bizarre, but our self with a small “s” actually enjoys an impoverished life and all the negativity that goes with it: feeling unworthy, being invalidated, judging others and ourselves, being inflated, always “winning” and being “right,” grieving the past, fearing the future, nursing our wounds, craving assurance, and seeking love instead of giving it."

There is a benefit for us to hold on to negative feelings (or else we wouldn't be doing it). If we were to let go of them, we may no longer be "at the mercy of the world" or the victim. We'll no longer have any excuses to lean on or anyone else to blame. We become responsible for what is happening to us and how our lives have turned out. Harsh or Empowering?

For many of us, it's easy to suppress (consciously) or repress (unconsciously) our feelings especially when we feel fear, guilt, or shame around those feelings. Unfortunately, the emotions we push down end up resurfacing in different ways - ultra-sensitivity to what people say, misperception of what people are trying to do, or increasing stress that others will find out about our feelings. We are better off facing, expressing, and letting go of our feelings so we can neutralize and release them.

Here is how to actually let go:

Step 1: Feel the feeling and avoid the thoughts

Allow yourself to "have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it." I used to think the goal was to be aware of the feeling and then do the work to "address" it. Whether it's telling myself I shouldn't be feeling that way, or trying to ignore it altogether, I would often miss this important first step to just feel the feeling. I now realize that resisting the feeling is what keeps it going. A nuanced, yet important element is to focus on the feeling itself, not the thoughts that the feelings generated.

For example, if I was feeling indignant about a comment made during a meeting, I should accept that I'm feeling indignant and focus on how that feels. Am I breathing in a more shallow way? Am I clenching my jaw? What I want to avoid ruminating about are the thoughts that easily follow my feelings, "What did she mean by that? I bet she is making me look bad, so she can get that promotion." Thoughts arise when you try to explain or rationalize your inner feelings. Just because your thoughts are believable, it doesn't make them true.

Summary: Accept that you're annoyed and focus on how annoyance shows up for you. Resist the urge to think about what's causing your annoyance and other people's intentions.

Step 2: Stay with the feeling and let it run its course without taking action

As you continue to feel the feeling, other emotions may arise about how the situation is going. Keep the same process and allow those feelings to arise. Don't dismiss the feeling or put it aside. Stay with it. Keep asking yourself what's happening in the present moment (reality) as opposed to what the other person's intentions were (blind speculation). The gamechanger for me was to realize that emotions are like balloons filled with air. If you keep letting the air out by feeling the feeling, it'll eventually run out of air. If you suppress the feeling, it's like blowing air into the balloon until it one day pops. Sometimes letting go of one feeling causes another one to arise. Repeat the process of letting go of subsequent negative feelings. For example, as the feeling of being indignant passes and my jaw unclenches, I begin to feel frustrated in the form of pressure in my sternum and shallow breathing. Continue to focus on the feeling as opposed to thinking about why you're frustrated ("I'm going to let this person get away with bad behavior.")

Feeling, thinking, and acting are different even though they are tightly related. Feeling leads to thinking and acting. Thinking can lead to feelings and actions. Actions can lead to feelings and thinking. To let a feeling run its course, feel without thinking or taking action. Just observe. You may want to be curious about what positive outcome the feeling is creating for you. For example, feeling indignant may garner sympathy for others or justify your unruly behavior.

Summary: Feel your annoyance without expressing your annoyance. If you have to think, figure out what benefit this feeling might be giving you.

Step 3: Express positive feelings and surrender negative ones

In most cases, you may not need to take action at all, but if you wanted to act in a situation where you're feeling a negative emotion, consider the opposing positive emotion and act in accordance with that emotion. For example, if I'm feeling indignant about the situation, my most likely behavior is to challenge the people or the ideas that are being brought up. Instead, if I allow the emotion to pass, I can consider the opposing positive emotion of indignant, which is content. If I were content, I might act to support what was being said, as opposed to undermining it. Not only have I let go of being indignant, but I have also let go of my resistance to being content. When we hold on to negative emotions, we don't realize that we're crowding out the positive ones that we want to fill our lives. Let the surrendering of a negative emotion remind you of the positive emotion you could be expressing.

To let go means allowing ourselves to experience the feeling without changing it even if the feeling is not a positive one. Don't deny what's there. When you accept that you have both positive and negative emotions, you began to accept not only your own humanness but those of others. Our willingness to face down our own jealousy knowing that it will pass helps us have compassion for those around us who may feel passing jealousy and are dealing with it at the moment. It's the feeling that we repress or suppress, that we "punish" others for. Not because they should be punished, but that's how we signal that we are holding down this emotion within us. Be curious about the feelings that you have trouble surrendering. What positive outcome does that feeling create for you?

Summary: Once you've let your annoyance run its course without acting on it, think about the opposing positive emotion and act on that emotion. The opposite of being annoyed is being pleased. If you step into the feeling of being pleased, you may express gratitude or smile.

Now, I'm not advocating that you thank the person that is annoying you (although you could). We often carry the negative emotion with us well beyond the situation that triggered the negative emotion, which is why we have trouble letting it go. The switch to expressing the opposite positive emotion happens only after you let go of the negative emotion. This is not easy to do, and I'm still struggling, but I found feeling the negative feeling to let go of it and expressing the opposite positive feeling a good way to complete the cycle of letting go.

"Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind."

"Let go of anticipating the next moment, trying to control it, trying to hang on to the moment that has just passed. Let go clinging to what has just occurred. Let go trying to control what you think is about to occur."

Feelings are transitory. You are not your feelings. Like beach waves, feelings come and go, and you are merely seeing them come in. You just happen to be close enough that you feel it each time those waves wash ashore. Accept the feelings you don't think you should be having or are still here - let them come and go. Don't judge the feeling - learn from it. Since each emotion is serving you in some way, figure out what the emotion is doing for you. Ask yourself, "What am I getting [emotion] for?" Usually, emotion is helping us address a fear or to achieve happiness.

For example, "What am I getting angry at my kids for?"

Answer: "To prevent them from growing up to be spoiled brats." or "To justify to other parents that I'm a good parent."  

To let go in this example, I'll focus on how anger manifests for me - shallow breathing through the nose and furrowed brow. I'll do my best not to express anger (raising my voice or or saying something I'll regret). Once the anger passes, I'll consider acting on the opposing positive emotion (calm and delight) and ask my kids, "What happened" in a neutral voice. (As I mentioned earlier, easier said than done, but this approach will likely better achieve my ultimate goal of building a long-lasting relationship with them.)

You know you're doing this well when you don't find yourself taking action based on strong emotion. "It's okay if it happens, and it's okay if it doesn't"

To make letting go easier, Hawkins suggests we let go of some commonly held beliefs:

1. We only deserve things through hard work, struggle, sacrifice, and effort (instead of judging who is deserving, just do you)
2. Suffering is beneficial and good for us (instead of sacrificing and suffering, focus on not resisting positive feelings)
3. We don’t get anything for nothing (instead of fighting for everything, try receiving it)
4. Things that are very simple aren’t worth much (instead of discarding the simple, find as many simple solutions that work to make your life easier)
5. We could have done something differently in the past (instead of beating yourself up, recognize that you did what you thought was best to do at the time)
6. People should repay us for the things we do for them (instead of getting angry when they don't. see it as your generosity to them)
7. The way to get a thing is to want it (Instead of keeping the pressure on for fear of losing something, see pressure as the very thing that pushes what you want away. Losing patience is a form of pressure.)

Reflect on this powerful thought by David Hawkins (Letting Go):

"We could take the same protective actions out of love rather than out of fear. Can we not care for our bodies because we appreciate and value them, rather than out of fear of disease and dying? Can we not be of service to others in our life out of love, rather than out of fear of losing them? Can we not be polite and courteous to strangers because we care for our fellow human beings, rather than because we fear losing their good opinion of us? Can we not do a good job because we care about the quality of our performance and we care about our fellow workers? Can we not perform our job well because we care about the recipients of our services, rather than just the fear of losing our jobs or pursuing our own ambition?"

What do you want to let go of today?

Photo by Brett Jordan

The post How to Actually Let Go appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

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Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values

• Published: October 2013
• ISBN-10: 1622032020
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: The larger purpose of business or any competitve activity is not to gain material wealth or success "but to serve as a theater for self-knowledge, self-actualization, and self-transcendence." Business happens when two parties can exchange goods and services where both parties are better off. To succeed, you want to continuously enhance your ability to serve others while "taking a stand for your values and interacting with others authentically, constructively, and impeccably."

"Self-actualization is best supported through expressions of responsibility, autonomy, and essential integrity: a commitment to a meaningful purpose that goes beyond the immediate gratification of selfish desires and embraces others in service... main task of a conscious business is to help people succeed (accomplish their mission) while they develop healthy relationships (belong to a community) and experience an unconditional sense of peace, happiness, and growth (actualize and transcend the self)."

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Extreme Ownership: How U.S Navy Seals Lead and Win

• Published: November 2017
• ISBN-10: 1250183866
• EP Rating: 4 out of 5 (worth picking up)

EP Main Takeaway: To be a leader, you need a team that's willing to follow you. As the leader, you're always responsible. If your team is not committed or if you don't accomplish the mission, you have to own those failures. To lead well, you have to be decisive under uncertainty. When you're overwhelmed, stop and assess, prioritize, and execute. Understand that discipline equals freedom and you don't need to prove yourself but you do need to lead by example.

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The Now and Laters tasted fantastic, lasted a long time, and helped to solidify friendships. I couldn't ask for a better deal. Fast forward 30 years and two root canals and an embarrassing amount of fillings later, I realize the short-term satisfaction was not worth it. The bigger issue is being blind to these consequences at the time of the decision. This means there is a good chance I'm doing something now that I'll probably regret later.

The present-day equivalent of Now and Laters for me is sleep. The project or activity I'm engaged in at night always seems more interesting than sleep so I stay up late. The next morning, feeling fatigued and unfocused, I would vow to get to bed early just to repeat the unhealthy cycle. This doesn't even account for the serious implications of a large sleep deficit.

In Dollars and Sense by Jeff Kreisler and Dan Ariely, they share research showing that "now" tempts us more than "later". Their insight is that people make decisions emotionally in the present moment and rationally in the future.

They show this phenomenon in the explanation for why people continue to text and drive. Three "now-focused" factors that cause this negative behavior are the:

• Inability to delay gratification (Pleasure of engaging with friends - looks like we haven't come that far from the marshmallow experiment)
• Uncertainty that the bad outcome will occur ("What are the chances? Tons of people text and drive.")
• Overconfidence in the ability to avoid death ("I have my eye on the road and I'm not going that fast.")

The same three elements apply to most if not all temptations. I don't get enough sleep because:

• "It's hard to say no to a good conversation or finishing a project." (unable to delay gratification)
• "Bill Clinton only sleeps 3-4 hours and he was President." (uncertainty of bad outcome)
• "With a few cups of coffee, I'll do just fine." (Overconfidence in own ability)

It's easy to find ourselves justifying our "undesired" behaviors as opposed to controlling them. Take a temptation you're struggling with and reflect on how these three factors come into play.

To resist temptation, shift the focus from "now" until "later" by leveraging these three practical tips:

Acknowledge your incompetency to resist temptations

When you grasp that you're more likely to lose when you come face to face with temptation, the natural course of action is to prevent the situation. In the driving and texting example, you might want to leave your phone in the glove compartment or somewhere out of reach. To help me resist staying up late, I try to opt out of drinks after dinner or avoid beginning a passion project after 10 pm.

Avoid decision-making when "under the influence"

We make poor decisions when we are impaired by strong emotions and desires, alcohol, fatigue, stress and distractions. To resist temptations, monitor your emotions and be vigilant if you're not well-rested, calm, and under control. When you're being emotionally hijacked in the "now", avoid making decisions or use pre-determined rules. In Nudge by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, they recommend creating such rules when you're unemotional and calm so when you are "under the influence", you can simply follow your rule without the internal debate. When it comes to getting more sleep, my rule is to head to the bedroom by 11 pm.

Magnify the "upcoming pain" now

Ask yourself, "What will happen if the negative outcome of my behavior is guaranteed?"

If you weren't able to avoid or stop the bad consequences of your actions, what repercussions would they have on your goals, relationships, health, finances, etc? You are the steward for your future self. Vividly envisioning your future pain will help temper the excitement of the present temptation.

When I applied this third tip to my challenge around sleep, I thought about how my lifespan might be shortened so I wouldn't be able to see my kids flourish as adults. I also considered how my performance at work could be so much better and how not sleeping enough is slowing down my progress. Just thinking about these negative outcomes again is already making me want to get to bed earlier.

It's not easy to resist temptations because of the way we're wired. At the same time, if we understand what drives our behaviors, we can use that knowledge to drive the results we want to achieve in life.

The post 3 Tips to Resist the Temptation of Bad Habits – The Influence of Now and Later appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

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Great by Choice: Uncertainty, Chaos, and Luck-Why Some Thrive Despite Them All by Jim Collins

• Published: October 2011
• ISBN-10: 0062120999
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read for business leaders)

EP Main Takeaway: Great leaders reject the idea that forces outside their control or chance events will determine their results. They accept full responsibility and maintain fanatic discipline, empirical creativity, and productive paranoia. They attract others by having a goal that is bigger than any one individual.

Our notes:

Great by Choice - best leaders (10X) didn't predict the future

• They observed what worked, figure out why it worked and built their company around these proven foundations
  • Not more risk-taking, bold, or visionary
  • More disciplined, empirical and paranoid
• Need to be able to scale innovation, not just be innovative
• Figure out when to go fast and when not to; not all about going super fast
• Change on the outside doesn't necessarily mean change on the inside

Race to the South Pole - 1911

Roald Amundsen vs Robert Falcon Scott - Roald wins because he prepares properly by:

• learning from practical experience what works (apprenticed with Eskimos)
• preparing with intensity all the time so he was ready if he and his team needed to dig deep
• setting buffers for unseen events
• presuming bad events will happen and having contingency plans

Qualities of a 10X leader

1. Fanatic discipline: shows consistency of action; rejects pressure to conform in ways incompatible with values, performance standards, and long-term aspirations

• 20-Mile March: set both lower and upper bound on growth;
  • Two discomforts: unwavering commitment to high performance and holding back in good conditions;
  • Designed and self-imposed by the enterprise; performance marker must be achieved with consistency ***
• Helps build confidence to perform well in adverse circumstances;
• Reduces likelihood of catastrophe and helps you exert self-control;
  • Don't blame circumstance or environment; don't overextend yourself
• Never too late to start the march

2. Empirical creativity: during times of uncertainty, look at empirical evidence, not to other people; rely on direct observation and practical experimentation and build deeper empirical foundation for decisions and actions**

• 10X companies are not always more innovative but they always deliver (Intel delivers)
• Blend creative intensity with relentless discipline
• Fire bullets, then fire cannonballs - figure out what works then pile on
  • Bullets are low risk, low cost, and low distraction
  • Convert to cannonballs with successful ideas
  • Beware of uncalibrated cannonballs with good outcomes because it encourages the use of bad processes
• You will only know if something works through empirical validation, not pure analysis
• Don't let discipline inhibit creativity or creativity to erode discipline

3. Productive Paranoia: "fear should guide you but it should be latent" (Bill Gates);

• Don't believe your hype or in your invincibility; Believe 100% that conditions will turn against you without warning and prepare for it; channel paranoia into productive action
• Build cash reserves and buffers to prepare for the unexpected: start and keep this from the beginning
• Bound risk and know where your death line is - important to stay in for the long haul
• Ask: how much time do I have before my risk profile changes?
  • Minutes, days, weeks, years?
  • Faster is not always better - take time to see how an uncertain situation unfolds but be ready to act fast
• Zoom out then zoom into remain hyper-vigilant to changing conditions
  • Are there new conditions? Does it change our plans?
  • "Think first even when you need to think fast"
  • What is the worst case scenario? What are the consequences and our contingencies?
• Create and use a SMaC recipe to execute your strategy: Specific, Methodical and Consistent
  • Operating instructions - includes both Dos and Don'ts
  • Be stoic about what you cannot control but exert extreme control when you can - be SMaC!**
  • Try not to change your SMaC often (like Constitution - ok to question and challenge but rarely change)
• Figure out what works, understand why it works and use that info to understand when to change and when not to change
  • "Is our recipe not working because we lost discipline or has our circumstances fundamentally change?"
  • "The Signature of mediocrity is not an unwillingness to change; the signature of mediocrity is chronic inconsistency."
• Embrace consistency and change, both at the same time

The role of luck: 

• 10xers get a higher return from luck than others
  • Getting a high return on luck requires throwing yourself at the luck event with ferocious intensity, disrupting your life and not letting up**
  • When bad luck happens, "10Xers use difficulty as a catalyst to deepen purpose, recommit to values, increase discipline, respond with creativity and heighten productive paranoia"
  • Don't count on luck to win

Level 5 ambition: channel ego and intensity into something larger and more enduring than yourself - focus on your cause, your company, your work; Choose goals by impact, contribution, and purpose if you want to attract others to help.

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Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

• Published: March 2015
• ISBN-10: 0814436471
• EP Rating: 4 out of 5 (good read)

EP Main Takeaway: Focus on the other person by listening and making them feel important and felt. People do things for a reason - ask questions to find out why; don't assume. Manage your own emotions by being aware of your physical reactions, emotions felt, impulses, consequences, solutions, and benefits.

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We don't know how much time we have

During the holidays, New York City is packed with people - on the sidewalks, inside stores and in the subway. Usually, I fade the crowds out to get to where I want to go.

But today, as I waded through tourists stopping to short to take photos, I stopped to look at what they were focused on. As I followed their gaze, I saw this massive "Believe" sign lit up on the side of Macy's Department Store in Herald Square. This beautiful sign made me realize that although I've spent most of my life in NYC, I've seen very little of the city. This insight caught my attention because when I travel to other cities, I try to maximize every minute of my time to see as much as possible.

As I thought more about this phenomenon, I came to the following conclusion:

I push off seeing more of NYC because I believe I have more than enough time to do so.

This reasoning also explains why I saw so much more of cities that I don't see myself going back to anytime soon.

This perception-induced procrastination dominates other aspects of our lives. When we think we have a lot of time, we put off the important actions and work that we could be doing right now.

In Ryan Holiday's The Obstacle is the Way, he shares an interesting practice from the ancient Stoic philosophers: meditating on one's mortality.

The idea is to recognize that you will die and your expiration date might be sooner than you think. We often overestimate how much time we'll have because we're not even thinking about it. In some cultures, it's even taboo to talk or think about death for the fear of inviting calamity.

But what if you only had six weeks to live? What would you start doing today? What would you stop doing immediately?

How would your life change if you know you didn't have the time to do everything you wanted to do? What would you do differently or who would  you reach out to right now?

As you come up with responses to these questions, put these actions on the top of your goals list for 2017.  We never know how long we have. Don't put off the things you want to do, see or say.

As morbid as it sounds, we will all die. The important question is What do you want to happen because you lived?

If you're not sure where to start, plan your 2017 as if you're planning a vacation to a destination you'll never go back to again. What will be on your itinerary for tomorrow, next week or next month?

For me, it is taking my son to the Holiday Train Show at the NY Botanical Gardens.

Photo by MattysFlicks

The post Don’t miss out on life – you have less time than you think appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

This happens because willpower, self-control and discipline are exhaustive resources. The more we spend on one area, the less we'll have for other areas in our life.

So how do we stay productive and complete what we've set out to do?

It starts by understanding ourselves and how we make decisions.

In Jonathan Haidt's book, The Happiness Hypothesis, he uses a metaphor of an elephant and its rider to describe how we operate and make life choices. The rider represents our conscious mind controlled by reason while the elephant symbolizes our unconscious or automatic mind controlled by emotion. The rider can control the elephant through training but not by force. But no matter how much training an elephant has had, when it decides to override the rider, there is nothing the rider can do. This explains why we frequently behave in ways we rationally know to be detrimental: eating junk food, staying up late and procrastinating.

The rider in us knows that procrastinating will only lead to all-nighters and more stress.  The reason we procrastinate is because when the elephant sees the amount of work that needs to be done, it doesn't want to get started. It would rather focus on easier activities with quick payoffs such as watching TV or organizing our office or inbox.

But there is hope.

If you can properly train the elephant and keep it from losing control, you can harness its power to do amazing things. Here are a few tips to strengthen your rider's control over your elephant:

Get Ample Rest

The less sleep you get, the less control your rider has over the elephant. Think back to days when you lacked sleep. I can bet that those were the same days when you skipped the gym, snapped at a close friend or family member or procrastinated on your work.

How much sleep are you getting on average each night? If it's below 7 hours, you may want to get more sleep before you do anything else.

Choose the Right-Size Task

Your inner elephant hates to fail.

When it is faced with a daunting task, it quickly loses motivation and will decide to do something else. It's up to the rider to break up the task into more manageable pieces for the elephant to even attempt it. When choosing tasks, monitor your energy levels. Although it may make more rational sense to always choose the most impactful activities, you may want to start with something easy to accomplish to get your elephant warmed up.

Look at your list of activities. Which tasks are the most important? How can you further break them down to more manageable pieces? Which ones can you cross off easily?

Analyze Your Environment

There will be times when your elephant will act against your rider's wishes. This may not be the elephant's fault. It may be the environment that you're in.

Elephants are easily distracted and tempted. You won't be able to change that. What you can change is your surroundings.

Take a close look at your environment. What distractions or temptations can you remove to make it easier for your elephant to listen to the rider? For example, removing all junk food from your home, deleting time-wasting applications on your computer, closing the door to your office, etc.

Don't give rational thinking too much credit. When push comes to shove, the elephant will always have its way. Learn to manage your inner elephant using these three methods and it will help you better achieve what you want.

Photo by Stil Epsilon

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One of the best ways to achieve that is to get quality feedback. When it comes to feedback, we tend to ask other people because we fear our blind spots and propensity for self-delusion. Unfortunately, it's not always convenient or helpful to do that. It can be uncomfortable and depending on the person, highly unproductive.

Here are a few common thoughts that may cross your mind when you ask someone else to judge you:

How do I know if they are telling me the truth?
Are they credible enough to give me feedback?
What if they are misinterpreting my actions?
Is there a hidden agenda for the feedback they are giving me?
What if they are just jealous?
What if I don't want to change?

One way to reap the benefits of feedback without all of this hassle is to give feedback to yourself. You can do it at any time and it helps to heighten self-awareness.  Also, you're more inclined to buy into any changes you want to make.

So how do you give yourself feedback?

You observe others and yourself and analyze what you see.

Here are a few effective ways that I've found helpful from Marshall Goldsmith's popular book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There:

Pay attention to other people's reaction to you

Instead of asking people to give you feedback directly, pay close attention to what they're saying and how they act around you.

One great way to collect feedback about yourself is to jot down every casual comment others make about you. Once you have a long list of remarks, assess whether each remark is positive or negative. This will give you a sense of people's general impression about you. The goal is to increase your ratio of positive to negative remarks.

Once you've collected enough of what people are saying about you, start observing how they react around you. It becomes easier to do this if you tune out what they are saying and hone in on their body language. They key is to note any differences in how to react to you versus how they react to others in general. Do they smile when they talk to you or are you usually met with rolling eyes? Actions speak louder than words but only if you're paying attention.

Try this method both at home and in the office. It works especially well during group meetings where people are not aware that you are observing them. You'll be surprised how much you'll learn just by arriving early at a meeting and observing where people sit, who they talk to and their physical manner during these interactions.

Monitor what you say and do

What you say and do is very telling of who you are. If you want to get your perspective about yourself, start by observing your words.

What are you saying to other people? What is the ratio of self-aggrandizing remarks to self-deprecating remarks? What are you really saying about yourself when you make them?

If you're like most people, you compensate - what you brag about is usually what you're weakest at and what you're humble about, usually reveals your strengths. By being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can decide on how you will improve those areas. You can also work on becoming less self-conscious about both.

After you consider what your speech reveals about you, take a look at your actions. How do you act around your boss, co-workers, friends, family, relatives and strangers? What differences do you see when it comes to different groups and certain individuals? Usually, your flaws at work will show themselves at home and vice versa.

Pick one thing you know you can improve

Whether you're observing yourself or others, take time to analyze what you see. During your analysis, be careful not to generalize behaviors. One person may act friendly towards you but it doesn't mean they like you if they act even friendlier to everyone else.

Also, as you pore over this fresh set of insights about yourself, compare it to your own self-image. Would the person you aspire to be talk and act in such a way?  If not, what do you need to change?

When it comes to changing your life and sustaining that change, remember two things:

• People change ONLY if they believe it'll be helpful to them.
• The most productive way to do anything is to tackle one thing at a time.

So as you start to draw conclusions and find a few things to work on, I recommend that you pick ONE specific thing to improve. Once you decide what you want to work on, spend time to write one benefit to you and one benefit to the world when you successfully make this change.

For those who would like help pulling it all together, here is a 6-week regimen that you can follow:

• Week 1 - Make a list of what people are saying about you and categorize them as either positive or negative. Note anything that comes up often.
• Week 2 - Pay special focus to other people's body language towards you. Watch for any differences in their behavior depending on what you do and say. Also, contrast it with their manner towards other people.
• Week 3 - Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments.
• Week 4 - Look closely at how you treat other people. Find trends in your behavior and think about what those patterns say about you as a person.
• Week 5 (BONUS) - Listen to what you tell yourself. When you do well, what do you say? When you fail, what comments do you hear internally? You probably hold yourself back more than you know.
• Week 6 - Review all the information you've gathered about yourself from the last five weeks. Identify three aspects of yourself that you want to change. From those three, choose one that will have the most impact on your life and create a plan to make that change.

Giving yourself feedback might feel strange at first but armed with some concrete observations, it is a powerful technique for personal mastery.  Good luck!

If you know someone who might benefit from this article, please share it with them. Also, if you've learned something helpful about yourself through this technique and would like to share it, please leave a comment below.

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You probably think your life could be better.

It's not that it's bad. It's just not what you'll call "awesome".

If you want to confirm this, answer this question:

What have you been up to?

If your answer is:

• Not much
• Same old
• Eh...

or any other variation, then you may want to jumpstart your life.

A great way to do that is by upgrading your identity.

Your identity is who you believe yourself to be and is made up of your thoughts, your actions, your habits and your outer appearance. People often make the mistake of believing that their identity is pre-determined and cannot be changed. They don't realize that their current identity exists only because they've allowed it to and that they have the power to change their identity at any time. To make a lasting change in your life, redefine your identity.

You will always be you. There is no law that says you need to be the same you for the rest of your life. The whole point of personal growth and mastery is to be a BETTER you every day.

So how do you change your identity for the better and make it stick?

Define in Detail a Better Identity

Think about the identity you want to step into. What are the inner qualities and outer appearances that make up this identity? 

A good place to start is to look closely at the people you admire and isolate the qualities that you admire about them. You can get to know many great people from their biographies or interviews. You can even make it up because you're not trying to be someone else.  You're finding strong qualities to build a better identity than the one you have now. To make this work, you need to get specific. Ask yourself questions like:

• What is their demeanor and personality?
• How would they carry themselves in public and in private?
• What is their view on handling disputes?
• What clothes would they wear?
• How would they treat waiters, their boss or the President of the US?
• What good habits would they have? 

Once you have a clearer picture for how this new identity thinks, looks and acts, organize this information and create a profile for this "new" you. Hone in on three key characteristics that define this new identity and highlight them in your profile.

Step Into Your New Identity

To take on this new identity, you'll need to do three things:

1. Believe that this better identity IS you

2. Think like this better identity

3. Act and look like this better identity

To mentally prepare, visualize yourself adopting the thought processes and mannerisms of this new identity. Rehearse in your mind typical scenarios you face and how you would act with this new set of qualities. Notice the differences between how you would have handle the situation before and how you would handle it now.

Once you've practiced it mentally a few times, do it in real life. If you feel like you're being fake, it's because you don't believe that this new identity is you.  Many of us allow other people to give us our identities - parents, teachers, friends, media, etc. It's time to take back that power.

Give yourself permission to define who you are. 

Your identity is who YOU want it to be and not who others want you to be.

For example, you decide that your new identity is confident, happy and generous. To be this new you, you will assert yourself at work, stand with a strong posture, smile more often and donate your time and money to charity. It doesn't matter if you didn't do any of this before, start now.

Make Your New Identity Stick

This is probably the most challenging step.

To make your new identity stick, other people must acknowledge it.  This is tough because those around you know you as you and it's common to believe that people don't fundamentally change.  Think about your own experience with people you knew when you were younger who have changed dramatically.  Weren't you a bit skeptical too?

It's hard enough for you to adapt to your new mindset and behaviors. It becomes even tougher when others around you unknowingly sabotage your efforts by treating you like you haven't changed or talk to others about the "old" you.

The easy fix for this is to move to a place where no one knows you. By doing this you don't need to worry about breaking down other people's old image of you, or having them misinterpret your new actions with their perceptions of the old you. You can just adopt your new appearances and actions and others will accept you for who you have decided to be.

When you're working so hard to improve yourself and other people question what you're doing or worst yet, tell you that you're being inauthentic, it is frustrating. Unfortunately, it's always people closest to you who are most skeptical.  They know you so well that they're not willing to give up the old you. They even become suspicious of the new you.

According to the bible, Jesus faced a similar issue. He was known to be a great man during his time but people in his hometown only knew him as a carpenter's son and would not acknowledge his greatness. He even said, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family" (Mark 6:4). This didn't stop him from being great and it shouldn't stop you.

If moving away is not an option for you, change your environment in some way. You can find new friends, change the amount of time you spend with your old friends and family or switch jobs. This allows you to get comfortable with your new identity.

Of course, you probably like your friends and leaving your family is not an option, so what should you do then?

Tell those close to you what you're trying to do. You can even show them this article to help them understand. They can support you if they want but at the minimum they should not sabotage you. If they are not supportive, it is okay.  You don't need other people to acknowledge it first for you to change. It just makes it easier. If you're consistent with your new identity, people will begin to accept your new identity and change their attitude and beliefs towards you.

I've had the fortune of reinventing myself several times and it's always been easier when I was in new surroundings.  Now that I'm back in my hometown, I still have people from my childhood who are skeptical about who I've become. All I can do is remain consistent with the identity I've decided to keep and to live my best life.

If you're not completely content with where you are in life, consider reinventing yourself. Take time now and figure out specifically who you want to be and take on the thoughts, feelings and actions of the new you. If you can find a way to change your environment (e.g. getting a new job, going away for college, moving to another city or country), even better.

What has been your experience with upgrading your identity and what strategies do you use?

Has changing environments ever accelerate your growth?

The post How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself appeared first on Embrace Possibility.