Have things. Be with people.

It sounds obvious. But when I look closely at how I live—how I treat my stuff, how I interact with others—I realize how often I get it backwards. If I'm not careful, I find myself trying to be with things and have people.

This reversal has led to a lot of unnecessary struggle.

Have Things

Things—tech, money, clothes, books, furniture—are meant to serve us. They exist to be controlled and used to meet a need or solve a problem. When your phone connects you, your jacket keeps you warm, or your calendar brings order to your week, it's doing its job.

But problems creep in when we ask things to meet our being needs—like feeling worthy, seen, or "enough."

We start collecting, upgrading, chasing—bigger houses, better titles, sleeker devices. And for a moment, it works. We get a hit of validation. But it fades.

Why? Because possessions were never designed to meet those deeper needs.

Psychologists like Abraham Maslow made this clear. Material things can meet survival needs (food and safety). But what about growth needs like purpose, connection, and esteem? Those come from how we live and relate.

When we try to meet growth needs through material things, we stay stuck. We don’t grow. We just accumulate.

Reflection:
Is there anything I’ve been buying or chasing lately that I hope will make me feel “enough”?

Be With People

Then there’s how we treat people.

We know we can’t “have” someone. But it’s easy to act like we can.

We want people—children, friends, partners, colleagues—to behave a certain way. Meet our expectations. Agree with us. We judge, manage, even try to fix them. We may not call it control, but often, that’s exactly what it is.

But people aren’t problems to solve. They’re mysteries to walk alongside.

Being with someone means offering presence—not control. It means letting go of trying to change them and instead paying attention to who they already are.

You allow room for them to grow, just like you want room for your own growth.

You listen more. You judge less. You get curious. And in that space, something profound happens: you both develop. Together.

Reflection:
Where in my relationships am I trying to fix or control instead of just being present?

Real Connection Starts Here

This shift—from having to being with—takes practice. But it leads to deeper satisfaction and richer relationships.

Here’s a small challenge you can try this week:

Pick one possession to use more consciously (e.g., your phone—use it as a tool, not a distraction).
And choose one relationship where you’ll show up with curiosity, not control. No fixing—just presence.

And maybe keep this phrase in your back pocket when things get confusing:

Have things. Be with people.
The first helps you function. The second helps you flourish.

Photo by Muhamad Iqbal Akbar

The post Have Things. Be With People. (The Simple Shift That Changes Everything) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls...are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”

Work is a rubber ball (a blue sky-bounce handball for your Brooklynites)!

This visual comes in handy whenever I'm deciding what to do with the never-ending list of things I can do at work or the different opportunities that come my way. These priorities are also in line with what researcher Karl Pillemer found after interviewing thousands of adults over the age of 70 on their advice to live a fulfilling life.

The post Work is a rubber ball appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

First and foremost, it's important to understand that regret is a natural part of the human experience. Research has shown that we tend to regret the things we didn't do more than the things we did do. This makes sense when you consider that, as humans, we are wired to seek out new experiences and take risks. When we don't take those risks, we can feel like we've missed out on something important.

If you're struggling with regret over something you did, the first step is to try to undo it or make amends. Apologizing and taking steps to repair the situation can be a powerful way to start the process of moving past your regret. If that's not possible, try reframing the situation. Instead of saying, "If only I didn't do..." use "At least..." and focus on how the situation didn't turn out worse or an unexpected positive outcome.

For example, let's say you regret picking a major in Chemistry in college. Instead of dwelling on the "if only" statements, try reframing them with an "at least" statement. "At least it's differentiated me from my peers in the training and coaching industry" or "At least I didn't go to grad school for chemistry."

A common source of regret is things left unsaid. We may wish we had spoken up in a certain situation, or that we had expressed our feelings more clearly to someone. In these cases, it's often possible to undo the regret by taking action. If we feel like we missed an opportunity to say something important, we can try to reach out to the person and express ourselves now.

Another powerful tool for dealing with regret is self-disclosure. Talking to someone you trust about your regret can be a great way to acknowledge and process your feelings. Alternatively, you can write about your regret in a private journal. This can help you gain perspective and move past the regret.

Self-compassion is another important tool for dealing with regret. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who was going through a difficult time. What would you say to them? Use those same words to comfort and support yourself. This can help normalize and neutralize your feelings of regret, making them feel less overwhelming.

Finally, it's important to learn from your regrets. What did you learn from the situation? What can you take away from it that will help you in the future? Regret can be a powerful teacher if you allow it to be. Reflect on your experience and use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future. When it comes to future decisions, we can try to anticipate regret by considering what our values and goals are. Research suggests that there are four core regrets that people tend to have: not building a solid foundation for the future, not taking sensible risks, not doing the right thing, and not connecting with others. By keeping these regrets in mind, we can try to make decisions that align with our values and minimize the likelihood of future regret.

Of course, the best way to deal with regret is to avoid it in the first place. This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some strategies you can use to help minimize the likelihood of regretting your decisions. Daniel Pink, in his book "The Power of Regret," suggests that we "satsifice" on most decisions, especially if we're not dealing with one of the four core regrets. Essentially, this means we should aim for good enough instead of perfect for decisions that won't have a huge impact on our lives.

On the other hand, for crucial decisions that fall under the four core regrets, we should maximize our efforts. Project yourself into the future and ask yourself what will help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others. This can help you make decisions that align with your values and decrease the chances of regret in the future.

Regret shows us what we care about and helps us grow. So don't beat yourself up too much about it. Acknowledge the regret, practice self-compassion, and use it as a learning experience for the future.

Photo by Kenny Eliason

The post Practical Tips for Dealing with Regret appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

• Published: December 2010
• ISBN-10: 0553386395
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: Our brain is an anticipation machine that continually prepares itself for the future based on what has happened in the past. We can change our experiences and our brain by directing our attention and creating new neural pathways. Perception is always a blend of what we are sensing now (feeling) and what we've learned previously (shortcut). Understanding what impacts our perception allows us to manage our perceptions and respond as opposed to react to what happens to us.

The post Mindsight by Daniel Siegel appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

7 continents,

49,599 miles later,

I'm home.

This trip around the world was amazing in many ways - the food, the sights, the people ...

but all of that was to be expected from a trip like this.

What I didn't expect was to learn a few life lessons that have changed the way I look at both the world and life.

Here are the realizations that I've brought home with me from this trip:

The World Doesn't Stop Turning

Before going on the trip, I was nervous. Being away for 2 months, many times without internet, scared me. I thought to myself,

...my blog is going to lose readers, my business is going to lose momentum, what is my family going to do if something goes wrong. Maybe I shouldn't go...

Now that I'm back from my trip, I realized that the world didn't end. I actually had more readers on my blog while I was away than when I was actively writing articles. That's when I realized that the world kept on spinning and will continue to do so with or without me.

This was both a relief and a bit unnerving.

Do I really matter? (This question also came up after reading Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything)

If my absence didn't make a difference, does my presence?

I thought about this for a while and concluded that ...

... it does.

It does to those who are around me. My family, my friends, my readers and all the people I have and will come into contact with in my life.

We often want to see ourselves as the linchpin holding everything together. It makes us feel important when other people depend on us. This is why it is so common for us to use the excuse - "I can't step away or (fill in the blank) is going to end up in catastrophe". Perhaps it's ego or maybe it's a deep sense of responsibility but more likely than not, we're just making excuses for something we are scared to do.

So what was my takeaway from all of this?

First, know your priorities and what is really important to you.

Next, do what is most important to you no matter what. 

Last, periodically check to make sure you are still doing what matters the most to you.

If you think your company is going to go bankrupt because you decided not to work overtime and spend that time with your family, you're probably wrong. They'll be fine with or without you. If you love working and you'll rather do that than spend time with your family, then by all means, do so.

There is no right or wrong. There is only your choice (and of course, your consequences). Life is what you make it so make it your own.

There is Only the Present

(Walking around Sultanahmet in Istanbul thinking to myself)

... I should've gone to the Blue Mosque this morning. Where should I go tomorrow? What should I do when I get to Budapest ...

When you take a long trip like this, it's easy to constantly think about what is next and forget to enjoy the present moment. I was guilty of this several times during my trip.

What's crazy is that if I didn't catch myself, I would have spent the full two-months worried about where to go next instead of actually enjoying the incredible experience right in front of me. Since I was also the photographer, I was especially susceptible to this.

Having returned from my trip, I realized that I spend a lot of time in the present thinking about what I'm planning to do tomorrow or what I did in the past. I rarely get to enjoy what's happening in the present. Knowing that, I've tried to focus more on the present through meditation. I now meditate 10 minutes every day and I notice the difference. I am more self-aware and attuned to my thoughts.

Living in the present doesn't mean you shouldn't plan or reflect on your past. Both of these activities are very important. Just make sure that you're consciously carving out time to do it so it becomes an activity in the present. What you don't want is to drift into the past or future when you really should be living your life in the present.

So how do you know when you are wasting your present thinking about the past or future? Just pay attention to what you say to yourself and others. Here are some words that usually signal past or future thinking:

Past: Would've, Should've, Could've, Next time, Why didn't I ...

Future: Next week, Next year, Tomorrow, I plan to, When I ... 

If you hear these words or phrases, stop and focus on what is happening around you. Ask yourself:

Where am I?

Who is around me now?

Am I breathing in or out?

What should I be doing?

Did I intend to reflect about the past or plan for the future?

Asking yourself these questions may seem strange and a bit extreme but if you don't become sensitive to where you are focusing, you'll probably spend most of your life thinking about the past and the future and not living any part of it.

Here are three quotes that sum it up beautifully:

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us."

-Michael Cibenko

"Forever is composed of nows."  

-Emily Dickinson

"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's Normal for Things to Go Wrong

Despite this subheading, our trip went rather smoothly despite all the logistical issues that could have gone wrong. We even had great weather. So what did I learn from this experience? 

Things tend to go wrong when you don't want them to go wrong

This is Murphy's law. 

I believe our trip was smooth because we expected something to go wrong. When you expect things to be rocky and they are, you become more resourceful because your mind is not clouded by disappointment. You knew something was coming.

Don't confuse this type of thinking for pessimism. You're not expecting only negative outcomes. You're just being flexible enough to allow room for things to go wrong. 

The passenger that gets sick on the train.

The computer that crashes right before you saved your work.

The rain that crashes your wedding.

We can't control the world around us but we can control our reaction.

Although contingency plans are helpful, you can never fully prepare for the unexpected. The best way to get ready is to practice being flexible.

How do you react when things don't go as expected? Do you just get mad or are you thinking about what to do next?

Follow Bruce Lee's great advice to "be water, my friend". Water doesn't stop when there is an obstacle. It will go around, over, under, or any other way until it gets through. It persists until it reaches where it needs to go. 

So here are my lessons learned in a nutshell:

1. Do what makes you happy and stop using the "I'm a linchpin" excuse to boost your own importance and to hide your fear of failure.
2. Always be in the present moment even when thinking about the past and future.
3. Allow room for things to go wrong so when they do, you'll be thinking about next steps and not how unlucky you are.

What are some lessons you've learned while traveling?

For those interested, here are some pictures from my trip:

You can see more pictures at robertchen.com.

The post What a Trip Around the World Taught Me appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

There is a simple formula for success:

All you have to do is ...

...think, feel and act like a successful person.

That's it.

So why aren't more people successful?

It's because they think, feel and act based on their guess of what a successful person thinks, feels and acts like. Unfortunately, their guess is usually wrong and they end up thinking, feeling and acting in a way that does not help them become successful.

So what is the lesson here?

Don't assume or speculate. If you want to find out how successful people think, feel and act,

Just Ask Them.

There are out there, more accessible than ever and willing to give back by sharing their experiences. All you have to do is ask and then model how they think, feel and act. How do they tackle tough situations? What is their definition of failure? How do they handle setbacks?

The great part about modeling is that you can cherry pick the qualities you want and ignore the qualities you don't want.

But what if I really can't find anyone to model?

Enter the Modeling Success Series.

In this series, I will be posting exclusive interviews with people I consider to be extraordinary and successful who I model myself after. We all have different definitions of success and extraordinary so it is for you to decide how valuable each article in the series is to you. If you have any nominations, feel free to send them my way.

I am honored to kick off this series with Leo Babauta.

Leo is a simplicity blogger & author. He created Zen Habits, a Top 25 blog (according to TIME magazine) with 200,000 subscribers, mnmlist.com, and the best-selling books focus, The Power of Less, and Zen To Done.

Babauta is a former journalist of 18 years, a husband, father of six children, and in 2010 moved from Guam to San Francisco, where he leads a simple life.

You can check out his full bio here.

Due to our busy schedules, we conducted this interview via email so the interview will be presented in a questions and answers format.

Here is the interview:

Robert: Hi Leo, what are some of the things you are working on these days and how do you decide what you want to focus your energy on?

Leo: I’ve been working with a group of readers who’ve joined my Sea Change Program -- a membership program designed to help people change their lives, gradually but completely. As an example, we had a two-month course called The Mindful Diet, where they learned to change their eating habits by eating mindfully, and soon I’ll be running a course called Unprocrastination. I focus my energy on things that excite me, and that I think will help people most.

Robert: What would you say are the major contributors to your success? Were any of these unexpected?

Leo: I’ve learned to focus my energy on the things that matter -- creating content that people want, rather than focusing on stats, SEO, social media, etc. I think my writing about simplicity and habits tapped into a need that was out there that I completely didn’t realize until Zen Habits started taking off (in the first six months). So yes, this was completely unexpected.

Robert: Was there a distinct moment on your journey when you went from faith that everything will work out to absolute certainty? If so, what made it possible to make that shift?

Leo: I never had faith or certainty that things would work out, and still don’t. I don’t believe in worrying about what might happen as a result of my efforts, as it’s impossible to know -- I prefer to focus on the efforts. I do know that I quit my day job a year after starting Zen Habits, because I’d paid off my debt and was making as much money as I’d made in my regular job … but even at that point, I had no idea whether it would work out. I still don’t, except that if I’m enjoying what I’m doing, then things have already worked out.

Robert: What are you thinking about when you are writing your blog and creating products and services?

Leo: I think about the reader. I think about what problems the reader might be facing that I can help with, based on my experiences. Then I do my utmost to help. That’s all I do, ever.

Robert: You are certainly very productive (creating a successful blog, raising 6 kids, actively exercising, writing best-selling books, creating content for your membership site, etc.). How do you prevent these activities from distracting each other and what have you noticed are your most effective ways to get things done?

Leo: I do one thing at a time, and focus only on that. Single-tasking is the most effective way for me to get anything done.

Robert: What advice would you give someone who feels underrated and not sure if it is possible for them to live their life to the fullest?

Leo: It’s impossible to know if you going to live life to the fullest, so don’t worry about that. You might live an amazing life, but how would you know if you lived it to the fullest? Maybe there was more you could have done? Instead, focus on enjoying the present moment, and doing what you’re passionate about right now. If you live life as a series of happy, content, passionate moments, you can’t say you did anything wrong.

Robert: Thanks Leo!

So what will I model?

• Single tasking - Do one thing at a time
• Focusing on the audience and solving their issues
• Live more in the present moment and stop worrying about whether things will work out

The post Modeling Success Series – Leo Babauta – #1 appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Me: (to myself) I really need to sleep, I have to wake up early tomorrow morning. I don't believe it's already 2:21am. I am only going to get 3.6 hours of sleep...

(more time passes)

Me: (to myself) Why can't I sleep? I am tired. I did all the right things. Lights were dim, didn't have any caffeine, didn't do anything active in the last 3 hours ... oh wow, it's already 3:11 am. How am I going to function tomorrow...

Usually I go to bed when I can barely keep my eyes open but when I have something important to wake up for the next day and want to go to sleep early, I always find it hard to fall asleep.

It is frustrating. The more I want to sleep, the more awake I become.

I used to get up from bed and try to do some work. I know it is not good to stimulate the mind when you are trying to sleep but it seemed like a waste of time to just lie in bed awake. I would work until my eyes became heavy and then go to bed. The next morning I would have a hard time waking up and be easily distracted all day. It was becoming a barrier in my life (click here to read The Three Reasons Why You Should Sleep More) and to my success (click here to read How to Sleep Your Way to Success).

Luckily for me (and you), I found a technique that has worked very well to help me sleep. It is easy and effective and you don't need to buy anything special. The great thing is that this technique is still good even if you don't fall asleep.

Still interested? Keep reading ...

If you have no problems sleeping, feel free to scroll down to the comments section and share your own tips.

For the rest of you who are still reading so you can get to bed, here is what you can to do to fall asleep faster:

1. Goto bed and lie down on your back with your arms at your sides

2. Be fully aware of your breathing (in and out). Notice your abs moving up and down with your breath.

3. Once you are aware of your breath, pay attention to a part of your body when breathing in and relax that part when you breathe out. Start from the top of your body and repeat the process of awareness then relaxation for each body part all the way to the bottom (head -> eyes -> nose -> mouth -> shoulders -> chest -> stomach -> thighs -> calves -> feet -> toes).

I usually fall asleep fairly quickly. I don't remember ever going past the shoulder.

This deep relaxation exercise helps to keep my mind from wandering and at the same time serves to relax my body. I use it all the time now and it works. The next time you can't fall asleep, relax deeply by being mindful and then letting go of each part of your body.

This method is so effective that I almost fell asleep writing this article.

I'm not kidding.

(For those of you still having trouble sleeping at night, you may want to try these 15 sleep tips. You can also read this article and this article)

The post Tired but Cannot Sleep? – How to End Sleeplessness Once and for All appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How do I meditate when I've never really meditated before?

What was meditation really?

Do I just sit cross-legged and chant "om"? How do I know if I am doing it right?

This desire to meditate all began when I realized that it was a great way to tame my mind (click here to read how that realization came about). I have experimented at home with sitting on the floor and being aware of my breathing but somewhere deep inside, I felt there was more to it than that ...

... and there was.

After reading Making Space by Thich Nhat Hanh, I learned more deeply about meditation. I found the idea of meditating with mindfulness instead of forgetfulness surprising because I always thought meditation was about "clearing the mind" which to me meant trying to forget where I am and "getting lost" in the meditation (whatever that means). One aspect I especially enjoyed applying to my meditation are the gathas (short poems you recite during meditation).

I am going to share with you a great way for someone who normally don't meditate to begin meditating:

The first thing to do is

STOP.

Consciously stop trying to do something. When I used to meditate, I would count the breaths and view myself as moving forward towards finishing the meditation. I was so preoccupied with accomplishing my daily meditation that I wasn't really meditating, just counting my breaths and sitting there waiting for my alarm to go off to signal I was done. Knowing now that stopping is the first step, before I even get into the sitting position, I visualize myself coming to a full stop (sometimes abrupt) and just opening my senses to what is around me. What do I hear, smell, see, feel and hear? I also stop during various parts of my day even when I am not officially meditating to practice. I find the visualization of coming to a full stop very effective for me.

Having stopped, it is then helpful to mindfully

BREATHE.

Here is where I try to balance with being aware of my breathing and actually controlling my breathing. I haven't yet been able to make a fine distinction since I feel that being aware of my breathing causes me to control it. There are two gathas (both from Thich Nhat Hanh's book) that I find helpful to recite during mindful breathing:

Breathing in, I know I'm breathing in.

Breathing out, I know I'm breathing out.

and the second one that I really enjoy using when I consciously breathe is:

Breathing in, I calm my body.

Breathing out, I smile.

I have began focusing on my breathing outside of my home meditation practice and it has been a valuable tool for me to relax my mind when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated. We know how to rest our bodies but I think many of us (myself included) don't know how to rest our minds (until now!).

As I mindfully breathe in stillness, I proceed to

SIT.

I have created a small area in the house where I sit to meditate. I sit indian-style (chrysanthemum for the people who know the lingo) mainly because it hurts when I try to sit in half-lotus (I'm not even going to attempt the full-lotus, at least not now). I keep my posture straight as if someone is pulling me up with a rope attached to the crown of my head. I am supposed to sit just to enjoying sitting but currently I am still trying to find the most comfortable sitting position and to concentrate on my posture and breathing. I am sure it will get easier with practice.

So there it is, a guide to meditation for people who don't meditate.

I'll end with this enlightening line from the book:

"Distraction only comes with forgetfulness, the absence of mindfulness."

I would love to hear about your own meditation practice and what you find helpful when you meditate.

The post How to Meditate for People Who Don’t Meditate appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Yoga Instructor: Breathe in through your nose ... breathe out through your nose.

Me: (thinking) in through my nose ... out through my ... this is interesting, I am going to do this when I get back to New York ... wait ... I should pay attention ... in through my nose ... out through ... I can't believe how much pee an elephant has, it was like turning on a faucet ...

Yoga Instructor: Breathe in through your nose ... breathe out through your feet.

Me: (thinking) in through my nose .... out through my feet ... in through my ... can't wait till breakfast, they always have a nice selection here ... I wonder how they choose what goes on the menu ... wait ... I should be concentrating on my breathing ... in through nose, out through feet ... how interesting that I am feeling something coming out of my feet ... I still can't believe they gave me a foot massage last night without washing my feet first ... nasty ...

Yoga Instructor: Breathe in through your nose ... breath out through your body.

And the pattern continues. I begin thinking about my breathing but then I get distracted. What's frustrating is I don't even notice my mind wander until it's been at it for some time.

After the yoga session, I decided to ask my yoga instructor about this issue. He went on to explain that the mind is like a wild horse that needs to be tamed. When it goes off course, you must reign it back in. Through practice, you will be able to fully control your mind and meditation is the taming of your mind.

I thought this was a very fitting analogy and I am currently learning more about and beginning to practice meditation. My mind tends to get distracted when I am working on my projects and I will be more productive if I can increase my concentration.

People perceive multitasking as being efficient but research has shown that multitasking actually reduces productivity. If someone is doing two complex tasks, there is actually no such thing as multitasking. That person is toggling between the two activities and not doing them simultaneously as the word multitasking would imply.

Normally I would have finished the last paragraph in a minute or two but because I am watching an octopus attacking a diver on tv (Caught on Camera 2 - Into the Deep) in my hotel room, it is taking about 10 minutes. I had to constantly find my train of thought by reading over what I just wrote.

Recently, I have been working on my focus and I believe that the next step for me is to tame my mind. I plan to do so by:

1. Meditating for 10 minutes every day after I wake up

2. Learn more about meditation and mindfulness

I will use a very simple meditation program by first concentrating on my breathing and to catch my mind wandering so I can reign it back in to concentrate on my breathing.

Feel free to share your methods or thoughts on meditation and the taming of the mind.

The post How to Tame Your Mind appeared first on Embrace Possibility.