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Conscious Business by Fred Kofman

Robert Chen — Sat, 28 Dec 2019 05:57:24 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values

Published: October 2013
ISBN-10: 1622032020
EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: The larger purpose of business or any competitve activity is not to gain material wealth or success "but to serve as a theater for self-knowledge, self-actualization, and self-transcendence." Business happens when two parties can exchange goods and services where both parties are better off. To succeed, you want to continuously enhance your ability to serve others while "taking a stand for your values and interacting with others authentically, constructively, and impeccably."

"Self-actualization is best supported through expressions of responsibility, autonomy, and essential integrity: a commitment to a meaningful purpose that goes beyond the immediate gratification of selfish desires and embraces others in service... main task of a conscious business is to help people succeed (accomplish their mission) while they develop healthy relationships (belong to a community) and experience an unconditional sense of peace, happiness, and growth (actualize and transcend the self)."

Our notes:

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values - Fred Kofman

Staying conscious requires attention and commitment. It means being mentally active and constantly refreshing your outlook of the world as it relates to your purposes, goals, interests, actions, and values. It means you're willing to confront reality - pleasant and unpleasant - with the goal of improving.

Business is a platform for you to develop yourself to be fulfilled. Fulfillment comes from meaning and purpose, not pleasure. You success goes beyond material success to improving the lives of others. If you manage people, your role is to create an environment where your people can grow and develop. This will help you generate competitive advantage by attracting, developing, and retaining the right talent. In addition to meeting compensation requirements, people want to feel accepted, respected, supported, acknowledged, and challenged.

“Talented employees need great managers. The talented employee may join a company because of its charismatic leaders, its generous benefits, and its world-class training programs, but how long that employee stays and how productive he is while he is there is determined by his relationship with his immediate supervisor. Leadership transforms individual potential into collective performance ... The leader’s job is to develop and maintain a high-performing team. Her effectiveness is demonstrated by the performance of the team.”

Self-awareness allows us to study our motives and experiences.

How to earn the trust and respect of your direct reports:

Demonstrate strong cognitive and technical competence to do the job
Show that you can perform managerial functions: select the right people, breakdown goal into discrete tasks, assign tasks appropriately, etc.
Exudes seven qualities of a conscious leader

Seven Qualities to be a Conscious Leader

Unconditional responsibility
- Understand that even though you can't control what happens, you can control how you respond. You can affect the future through your actions. Waiting for other people or systems to change is a weak stance. This is the case even if you didn't cause the problem. "If you are the one suffering, you are the one who has the problem."
- A proper response doesn't always lead to your desired outcome. You can control your response but not the result because there are other factors that impact the result. By seeing yourself as a contributor to the problem, you position yourself as a contributor to the solution. Be careful assuming responsibility for results because they may not be fully within your control. Be balanced between the two extremes: Victim (“I have nothing to do with my situation.”) and Superhero (“ I am the sole creator of my reality.”).
- People take on the "victim" role to avoid blame. Language of a victim, "it was an accident”, “I didn’t mean to...”, "It/I/You should.." “You made me do it.” Example: “'Excuse me, I have to take this call,' you are really deceiving yourself and others. You do not have to take the call. You are choosing to take it, because you find it preferable to continuing the conversation."
- Freedom is the ability to choose the response most consistent with your values. Instead of "should", use "would". Shift your language from third to first person, from outside causality toward personal accountability.
- As a leader, remember, "Power is the prize of responsibility; accountability is its price."
- When dealing with victims, don't feed the unproductive behavior by telling the victim that he/she has been wronged. Instead focus on the following empowering questions:
  - "What challenge did you face?
  - How did you contribute (by acting or not acting) to create this situation?
  - How did you respond to the challenge?
  - Can you think of a more effective course of action you could have taken?
  - Could you have made some reasonable preparations to reduce the risk or the impact of the situation?
  - Can you do something now to minimize or repair the damage?
  - What can you learn from this experience?"
Essential integrity
- Actions speak louder than words. It's hard to be happy if you betray your values. Your actions have one of two purposes: (1) Achieve your desired result, and (2) Express your values.
- When your actions match your values, you feel pride. When they do not, you feel guilt. Pursue excellence while staying true to your values. Remember that success is an outcome. Maintaining your integrity is a choice and not conditional on anything.
- Ask yourself, “If I got that (new car, free time, office with natural light, salary increase), what would I get that is even more important to me than that (new car, free time, etc.) itself?” This helps you drill down to your values. Once you understand your higher level goals, it allows you to understand what goal to sacrifice (relinquishing a lower goal in order to pursue a higher one). Example: "Spending time with your family will not make you happy; spending time loving your family will. The way you do any activity is more important for your happiness than the activity itself."
- See business as a way to express your creative energy as opposed to a vehicle to get material wealth.
- "The more stress you bear, the more power you get. Adversity can be an ally, an opportunity to show greatness. True joy does not come from winning but from dignified struggle."
Ontological humility
- "Acknowledgment that you do not have a special claim on reality or truth, that others have equally valid perspectives deserving respect and consideration." It's easy to fall into one way of thinking and unknowingly exclude other paths. Our perceptions are always biased by our experiences, biology, language, culture, values, beliefs, and personal factors. Everyone else's perception is likely different but equally valid. We see only what we can talk about. "We cannot see anything until we are possessed with the idea of it, and then we can hardly see anything else. HENRY DAVID THOREAU"
- To show humility, focus on staying open as opposed to being right. Invite others to share their perspective as opposed to convincing others how right you are.
- It's easy for responses to challenges in the past to become the only acceptable way to respond to future challenges despite potentially being obsolete.
- "...you recognize and validate your and the other’s mental models. When you realize how pervasive and powerful these filters are, it is obvious that calling someone an idiot because she sees things differently is, well, idiotic."
- Mutual learning model:
  - Assumptions
    - My rationality is limited.
    - My mental model conditions my perceptions and interpretations.
    - My point of view is always partial.
  - Different people have different mental models and can see things that I do not.
  - Errors are opportunities to learn and improve. Changing your mind shows openness and courage. Be more concerned about correcting than concealing errors.
- Take yourself less seriously - when you can laugh at yourself, it helps to shift from arrogance to humility.
- "An opinion is toxic when it masquerades as a fact." We are constantly making judgments on facts and confusing our opinions as facts. Brutal honesty is typically just toxic opinions that end up being more “brutal” than “honest.
- How to have an effective opinion
  - Acknowledge that it's an opinion and not a fact to make space for other viewpoints
  - Explain your reasoning and provide facts to support your points
  - States the "desirable change in the task (solving the problem), the relationship (enhancing cooperation and trust), and the well-being of all participants in the conversation."
Authentic communication
- "Most difficult conversations involve disagreements about what is going on, what has led things to be the way they are, why it happened, what should happen next, and who should do what to make it happen ... in difficult conversations, people feel that their sense of identity and esteem is at risk ... When criticism meets defensiveness, it turns into contempt."
- Be careful of falling into all-or-nothing constructs - competent vs incompetent
- Intentions are invisible to others; We think that, “I know (because I can infer with certainty) what you intended,” and that “you cannot know (because you are taking things the wrong way) what I intended.” We are sure of how other people's behaviors impacted us but we cannot be sure of their intentions. We are also sure of our own intentions but not sure of how our actions impacts others. Take time to acknowledge and validate the impact of our actions on others before we clarify our intentions.
- We can't choose what we think or feel. Resist dumping or repressing. Accept that you will judge people and be unconditionally responsible (How are you contributing to this challenge?). Aim for mutual learning - listen and seek to understand where they are coming from. Describe the issue in a way that both sides feel it's true. Express your own views and feelings and acknowledge that they are your own. Stay respectful - the minute someone senses disrespect, they no longer feel safe to share. Allow room for the other person to clarify what they're hearing.
- Don't be afraid to be challenged - counter-arguments do not weaken your own argument. Ask for permission to counter.
Constructive negotiation
- Conflict is not inherently bad. Our inability to manage conflict is the issue.
- Ineffective ways to deal with conflict:
  - Denial - acting as if nothing is wrong.
  - Avoidance - you see the conflict but doing everything to steer clear of it
  - Surrender - you give in when you realize your desires conflict with others
  - Fight - Impose their will at any cost. Typically damages the relationship and hurts the other person.
  - Play politics - lobbies an authority figure or majority to get buy-in for what they want
  - Compromise - "each person ends up with more than what she had, but less than what she wanted."
- Focus on wining together. Decouple your position with your identity - allows you to change your mind.
- To diffuse conflict, remove any one of the three factors needed for conflict
  - Disagreement - find a way to build consensus where both parties can live with the decision; acknowledge each side has property rights to their own opinions; Define mutually acceptable standards and expectations
  - Scarcity - gain more resources and/or drill down to key interests to remove scarcity
  - Disputed Property Rights - clarify who has the power to decide or the decision making process
  - Step-by-step process to handle personal conflict
    - Clarify your needs and desires
    - Establish your Best Alternative to No Agreement (BATNA)
    - Clarify negotiation proces
      - "A expresses, B listens.
      - Person A presents her position while you (B) listen without interrupting.
      - B clarifies and A asks clarifying questions.
      - B summarizes A. A approves B’ s summary.
      - A and B reverse roles.
      - Dialogue - once there is mutual understanding, hold open Q&A and decide whether an agreement is necessary.
      - Find underlying interests - “Why is X important to you?”, “What would you get through X that is even more important to you than X itself?”
      - Brainstorm. Once you discover the underlying interests, you try to develop new options.
      - Negotiate and select an agreed upon outcome."
- If someone escalates a conflict to you. Ask,
  1. “Have you and your colleague tried to resolve this problem using constructive negotiation?” (If the answer is no, say “Go and try that first.” If it is yes, ask the next question.
  2. “Have you invited your colleague to be here to jointly escalate the problem with you?” (If the answer is no, say “Go invite him first.” If yes, ask the next question.
  3. "Have you told your colleague that if he didn’t come with you, you would bring the problem to me alone?” (If the answer is no, say “Then go and tell him first.” If it’s yes, listen to the employee’s situation, or call the colleague to attend the discussion.
- Debrief - "What can we learn from this conflict? How could we minimize the chances of having a similar conflict again? How did we behave during the negotiation?"
- Signs of a positive negotiation: flexibility and fluidity, new solutions, and competitive advantage
- Only takes one person to prevent a conflict from escalating. Takes both people to come up with a win-win solution.
Impeccable coordination
- "Correlation between the impeccability of commitments and the effectiveness of individuals and groups."
- To gain commitment, make your request like:
  - "In order to accomplish W (the satisfaction of a need), I ask you to do X (a specific action) by Y (a specific time). Can you commit to that?" Remember that a request is not a commitment - always ask for a response.
- When someone is asking for you to commit, ask yourself,
  - "Do I understand what the other is asking of me?
  - Do I have the skills and resources to do it?
  - Am I convinced that those on whom I depend will deliver for me?
  - Am I willing to be held accountable for anticipating potential breakdowns?"
- Possible responses to a request
  - “ Yes, I promise.”
  - “ No, I do not commit.” (Although I can try...)
  - “ I need clarification.”
  - “ I commit to respond by (a definite date).”
  - “I accept conditionally. I can commit to do what you ask if R (a mutually observable condition) happens. Would that work for you?”
  - “Let me make a counteroffer. I can’t commit to doing X by Y, but I could do S by T. Would that work for you?”
- "Unproductive complaints look for sympathy and support from third parties and conclude with negative personal judgments ... they discharge emotions and seek revenge ... Productive complaint has four immediate goals: repair or minimize the damage to the task, mend and strengthen the relationship, restore impeccability, and learn from the mistake in order to design more effective ways of cooperating in the future."
- How to complain productively
  - Express your intentions openly and specifically verify the commitment that was broken. Sometimes it's better to let someone off the hook one time than to wrongly accuse someone of breaking their word.
  - Both parties need to agree that the promise was broken.
  - Seek to understand why the promise wasn't kept.
  - Assess the impact and share your specific complaint.
  - Evaluate the damage and express the complaint and pain.
  - Share how the person can make it right and negotiate a recommitment. Make sure that whatever you ask for will close the issue for you.
  - Find ways to improve gaining commitment upfront.
- Be proactive in keeping the person you've committed to informed especially if you think there is a risk that you'll break your commitment. When you break your promise, own it and make it right for the other person.
- Praise your people when they demonstrate impeccable coordination and commitment. Praise respectfully, directly and specifically in the second person and focus on how the person's action affected you as opposed to labelling who that person is.
Emotional mastery
- When you're emotionally charged, it's hard to do what you know is right.
- Dr. Benson - "any form of mental concentration that distracts the individual from his or her usual concerns and anxieties can produce relaxation."
- To manage your emotions:
  - Be aware and calm down to control strong negative emotions
  - Accept your emotions without judgment - you can't prevent an emotion but you can prevent impulsiveness
  - Regulate your impulses and recognize that your emotions come from your interpretation of some stimulus
    - "Happiness - we believe that something good has happened.
    - Sadness - we believe that something bad has happened.
    - Enthusiasm - we believe that something good may happen.
    - Fear - we believe that something bad may happen.
    - Gratitude - we believe that someone went out of his or her way to do something good for us.
    - Anger - we believe that someone has hurt us inappropriately.
    - Guilt - we believe we have done something inconsistent with our values (anger directed toward oneself)."
  - Share the story behind your emotion - "I feel A when B, because I think C. Does this make sense to you? (Listen in silence and acknowledge.) What I’d like is D, so I want to ask you E. Is that acceptable to you?"
    - A is an emotion (such as sorrow, fear, anger, or guilt)
    - B is a factual report or observation
    - C is an assessment or interpretation
    - D is a need or interest
    - E is a request
- We distort our own beliefs when we confuse our emotions as supporting evidence for our opinions. Example: “I feel betrayed by my boss” or “I feel that this project is not worthwhile” confuse emotions and interpretations. Instead of “I feel rejected,” “I feel angry because I did not receive any response to my suggestions.”
- "Forgiveness is not absolving bad behavior. Forgiveness doesn’t mean approving or condoning actions that fail to meet your standards. It doesn’t exclude demanding compensation or taking corrective action. You may even sever the relationship. You can forgive an employee who isn’t doing his job to your satisfaction and still fire him. Forgiveness allows you to do what you need to do without resentment. Forgiveness is not pretending that everything is all right when you feel it isn’t ... Forgiveness is the choice to let go of resentment."
- When you see others being hijacked by their emotions, accept the emotions without judgment and become curious. Stay relaxed and centered and show empathy. Recognize that the person is speaking their truth, which is valid for them.

Influencing culture allows you to get the greatest gains towards sustainable change. Culture develops from the behaviors of the leaders and what is rewarded and punished. Ask yourself, “What culture do we need in order to execute our strategy and fulfill our mission?”

Ineffective behaviors:

Unconditional blame - see yourself as an absolute victim of forces beyond your influence. When you blame, you give up your freedom and power.
Essential selfishness - focus on satisfying your own ego at the expense of others. "The blindness of the selfish individual is that her attachment to success is the ultimate source of her suffering.... For the selfish individual, work is just another place in which to get as much as possible while giving back the least possible. Her contributions are to be minimized and her compensations are to be maximized."
Ontological arrogance - the belief that your truth is the only truth. In a control environment, people are defensive, inconsistent, controlling, and manipulative. "In a duplicitous environment, people are damned if they try to obey the contradictory messages and damned if they try to expose the contradictions."
Narcissistic negotiation - attempt to prove your worth by beating up your opponent because you see success as a zero-sum game.
Negligent coordination - making promises you don't plan to or don't have the ability to keep, expecting others to read your mind and satisfy your unmet needs, being unclear of what you want and from whom, blaming others when you don't keep your promise
Emotional incompetence - you either explode on the other person or repress your emotions

Final thoughts from the book:

"As a leader, you are not just responsible for doing it, but for holding others accountable for doing it as well. I see that you behave with integrity, but I do not see you holding people accountable when they behave without integrity. When they betray the company’s values and you don’t do anything, you become their accomplice. A leader who does not confront broken commitments encourages polite complacency. He fosters a culture of niceness where nothing gets done and everything is excused."

"It is impossible to suffer a loss when you love your opponent ... It is possible to compete with a loved one, but it is not possible to regret his success—even if it is at the expense of yours."

"We judge it (a business) as having no soul if all its energies are devoted merely to keeping itself alive and growing ... We attribute soul to those entities that use some portion of their energy not only for their own sake, but to make contact with other beings and care for them."

"We are responsible for our agape (a commitment to the other's well-being) because agape is an act of will."

Ask yourself, “If this were the last five minutes of your life, is this the way you would want to spend them?”

Exercise to help you keep the end in mind and what you hope to accomplish: "Imagine the eulogies of a parent, a friend, a spouse or intimate partner, and a child. Finally, imagine that you are asked to prepare your own eulogy appreciating yourself for the things you are most proud of. Write down at least a paragraph for each quality. Remember, this is no time to be shy or to feel constrained by the way you have lived your life so far. Imagine that after reading this book, your life took off, and from this moment until the end of it, it became everything you wanted."

Learning changes us - "although nothing in the external world will have changed, you will have changed, and thus, everything will have changed ... learning is a double-edged sword. It opens new possibilities while it closes off old ones. Transformation is irreversible... When you cross the gate of knowledge, reality is not what it used to be."

"Treat other people with extraordinary respect."

The post Conscious Business by Fred Kofman appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Robert Chen — Sat, 23 Dec 2017 06:42:03 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Published: September 2012
ISBN-10: 1592408419
EP Rating: 4 out of 5 (worth picking up)

EP Main Takeaway: People are inspired by other people's vulnerability yet ashamed of their own. Be willing to show up and be all in. Make an effort with others by always engaging fully. If we judge when we receive, we judge when we give. The more afraid we are to talk about shame, the more we are controlled by it. Shame is when we feel flawed, guilt is when we make a mistake. To tackle shame, know that you are already worthy and that you are not your actions.

Our notes:

We are hard-wired to connect with others. We all want love and belonging. Engage in your life from a place of worthiness - "I'm enough and deserve love and belonging." Be vulnerable. Fear, disengagement, and need for more courage are the main barriers to vulnerability. Be engaged and pay attention.

Shame is usually the cause of narcissism; we fear to be ordinary. The thought of being "not enough" constantly bombards us. The feeling of scarcity causes greed and jealousy and the opposite of scarcity is feeling you have enough.

Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure - we have to take off the mask and hope it's enough. We're all in and feel naked when everyone is fully clothed.

People are inspired by other people's vulnerability and ashamed of their own. "Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen." Vulnerability is life's great dare - be willing to show up and be all in. It is not about oversharing or sharing without boundaries.

Need to be vulnerable to build trust - look for ways to build trust with others. Disengagement is the biggest betrayal of trust. Make an effort with others - always engage fully ***

If we don't ask for support, we can't give freely. If we judge receiving, we judge when we give. ***

Don't weigh your worthiness based on spectators comments. Only when we are brave enough to explore our darkness will we see the power of our light. We need to get past shame to be truly vulnerable. If you're not good at being vulnerable, you are probably good at being ashamed.

Don't hitch your self-worth to your creations and products - the secret killer of creativity is shame.

Shame - we all have it, we are all afraid to talk about it. The more afraid we are to talk about shame, the more we are controlled by it. It is an intensely painful feeling that we are flawed and incapable of being loved. Shame is when we feel flawed, guilt is when we make a mistake.

Practice shame resilience - moving from shame to empathy

Recognize shame and understand triggers (biography and biology)
Practice critical awareness: assess the self-talk that's causing shame
Reach out: are you owning or sharing your story?
Speak in shame: are you talking about what you need?

How people typically deal with shame:

Moving towards, Moving away, Moving against

Set and respect boundaries.

When you feel shame, get back to your thinking brain and adopt these strategies:

Practice courage and reach out to someone who loves you
Talk to self like you would comfort a friend
Own the story so you can write the ending

12 shame categories:

Appearance and body image
Money and work
Motherhood or fatherhood
Family
Parenting
Mental or physical health
Addiction
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving trauma
Being stereotyped or labeled

Ignore comments from people "not in the arena".

Men and women experience shame differently:

Women
- Shame triggers: how they look and motherhood: expected and desired to be perfect but also needs to be done effortlessly
Men:
- When men share shame, they get punished. Shame is weakness so they can't show fear

We are hard on others because we are hard on ourselves; we criticize people in places where we feel vulnerable *** When you're stuck in shame, it's easy to denigrate others to make ourselves feel better.

Honest loving conversations helps reduce shame between couples. Real belonging doesn't mean disdain for those who are different.

People don't like other people who put on masks and armors of vulnerability. Take off the masks and armors by knowing that you are enough and worthy**.

Common masks and armors:
1. Foreboding Joy: when things are going well, we think something bad will happen. Joy brings out the vulnerable side because we fear loss. We get stuck in constant disaster planning and perpetual disappointment. We may even practice being devastated so vulnerability doesn't blindside us. Instead,

Practice gratitude - be grateful for what you have; don't take it for granted
Remember that joy comes in moments, ordinary moments
Don't squander joy - lean into it

2. Perfectionism: It's usually not about striving for excellence but trying to get approval through high performance. Perfectionism is a form of shame; "if I look perfect, I can avoid shame, judgment, and blame". Instead,

Appreciate the beauty of cracks and have self-compassion (self kindness, common humanity and mindfulness)
Know that hustling is tiring - be real and stop doing the dance of worthiness
Remember that perfection is the enemy of done, quick and dirty does the trick
Use creation to overcome perfectionism

3. Numbing: Crazy busy is an addiction to numbing shame, anxiety, and disconnection. Instead,

Set boundaries and limits - we need to know we are enough and not be afraid to set limits
Find true comfort - it's not what you do but why you do it that matters; don't treat people like objects
Cultivate spirit to soothe anxiety and change behavior that led to anxiety
Know that connection is energy between people and belonging is a feeling of being part of something bigger.

4. Viking or victim: Either you win or lose; dominate or be dominated. Instead,

Reflect on your definition of success
Understand it's not always about survival

5. Letting it all hang out: Oversharing is not vulnerability. You can't use vulnerability to fast track a relationship. Using vulnerability is not the same as being vulnerable ***. Instead,

Recognize that people need to earn the right for you to share their story
Share stories that you have already worked through
Clarify intentions - don't share fresh wounds. Share to teach, not to work through your own stuff
Set boundaries
Don't use vulnerability to manipulate or grab attention - question your intentions

6. Serpentining: Avoid trying to control or back out of a situation to avoid vulnerability. Clues to serpentining are lying and blaming. Instead, be present, pay attention, and move forward.

7. Cynicism, coolness, nonconformity: When someone else is daring, it might make you uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable. This leads to a tendency to put people down or downplay their efforts. Instead,

Recognize there is nothing wrong with enthusiasm and engagement
Take one step at a time and be resilient to shame; worthiness is my birthright**
Only accept feedback from people in the arena
Don't try to win over haters - there will always be people that are completely uncool to you ***

Strategy - what we want to achieve and plan to get there

Culture - who we are; the way we do things

Questions that Elicit Culture:

What behaviors are rewarded and punished?
Where are people actually spending their resources: time, money, attention?
What rules and expectations are followed, enforced or ignored?
Do people feel supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?
What are the sacred cows? Who tips them? Who stands them back up?
What stories are legend and what values do they convey?
What happens when someone fails or makes a mistake?
How is vulnerability and emotional exposure perceived?
How prevalent is shame and blame and how often are they showing up?
What is the collective tolerance for discomfort? (Learning new things)

The power of these questions helps us understand culture and compare aspirational values to practice values; the bigger the gap between what you say and do, the bigger the disengagement.

Creativity is stopped by fear of being ridiculed for different ideas.

Signs of shame in a culture:

Blaming, gossiping, favoriting, belittling - if you're blaming, you're discharging pain and shame. Cover-ups are based on shame.

Support leaders who are shame resilient and open to bringing it into the conversation. Normalize discomfort and don't try to make everything easy and comfortable ***. View feedback from a strengths perspective - three strengths and one opportunity for growth.

Don't BS and pretend **

When you shut down vulnerability, you close off opportunity; Build strong support networks. Don't major in being right; ask for help when you need it.

Parents can lead by example:

Teach children to believe in their worthiness; don't make worthiness an "if I do X, then I'm worthy"
When kids see you, ensure they see an "I'm glad to see you" face vs. a constant critical face
When they make mistakes, see a good person with bad choices, not a bad person. Don't shame your kids or other parents for the choices they make. You may not know the context.
Be vulnerable with kids, show them that you aren't afraid
Understand that fitting in (being someone else) is the opposite of belonging (being good enough)
Avoid rescuing and intervening because they are dangerous for kids. Gives hope to kids but don't disempower them

Hope happens when we set meaningful goals, create a good plan, and sincerely believe we can make it. It's important to believe in yourself so dare greatly and get in the arena.

The post Daring Greatly by Brene Brown appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell

Robert Chen — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 14:16:34 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth: Live Them and Reach Their Full Potential by John Maxwell

Published: September 2014
ISBN-10: 1599953676
EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (great read)

EP Main Takeaway: Growth should be intentional and aligned with your passion and purpose. If not, you run the risk of being busy without meaning. Be honest with yourself and take consistent action based on insights from self-reflection. Design your growth to match your goals and consistently have tension between where you are and where you want to be. Show humility and exude character in all of your interactions. Manage your environment to help you and be grateful for all the support by developing your talent to serve others.

Our notes:

Have a plan to become better. Don't just be busy because hard work doesn't guarantee success. Focus on growing not only on goals! It's hard to improve your circumstances if you're unwilling to improve yourself.

Growth gap traps

Assume you will automatically grow
- You must be intentional about your growth; stop waiting to become the person you want to be and start being him or her
Don't know how to
- It's time to learn the right lessons
"it's not the right time to begin" or must find the best way before you start
- There is a difference between deciding and doing: act immediately
- The longer you wait to do something, the more likely it won't happen
- Get moving first if you want to see more of the way
Afraid to make mistakes
- Growing is messy and you will probably look foolish
- Get over your fear of mistakes and failures - welcome your mistakes
Not inspired
- No matter how you feel, just do it
- Forget motivation - act yourself into feeling motivated
Others are better than I am
- Great men are willing to share their ideas - you can only learn if others are ahead of you
I thought it would be easier than this
- People take advantage of luck through preparation + opportunity + action

1. Law of Intentionality

Intentional personal growth

Think about "how far can you go?" NOT "how long will this take?" Make the most out of what you been given.
Do it now - say it 50 times day and night
Face your fears and have faith you will conquer them - fear of failure, trading security for unknown, other people's view of you, the risk of alienating friends
Change from accidental to intentional growth - insist on starting today and don't wait for growth to come; persevere and follow through; take risks
You must know yourself to grow yourself - start with truth; Explore yourself as you explore growth - focus on your passion

3 kinds of people

People who don't know what they would like to do - dabble and drift
People who know what they would like to do but don't do it - frustrated
People who know what they would like to do and do it - work in areas that move them closer to their purpose

2. Law of Awareness

The first step towards change is awareness, then acceptance

How to find your passion and purpose

Do you like what you're doing now? Examine why
What would you like to do?
- If you know your passion, you fulfill your potential; pay attention to what you love doing
Can you do what you would like to do?
- Make sure the desire you have matches your abilities.
Do you know the difference between what you want and what you're good at?
- They should match up
Do you know what drives you and gives you satisfaction?
- Make sure you are motivated by the work and not just the rewards of the work
- Waste as little of your life as possible - discover then develop your uniqueness
Do you know why you want to do what you want to do?
- Provides a clear vision and look at your heart
Do you know what to do so you can do what you want to do?
- Picture where you are and then where you want to be. Be conscious of your choices. You can't win if you do not begin.
- Get accountability - make your goals public and track your progress
- As you take action, you'll attract like-minded people
Do you know people who do what you would like to do?
- Find people who do what you do excellently - be purposeful, reflective and grateful
- Mentee: Be teachable, be prepared, set agenda by asking great questions, show what you have learned, and be accountable
- Mentor: Add value, give advice, share resources - people, game plan, passion, feedback, encouragement, choices
Should you do what you would like to do to them or with them
Will you pay the price to do what you want to do?
- Owe it to yourself to make your days here count - things worth doing seldom come easy
When can you start doing what you want to do?
- Why not now? Start. Nobody ever got ready by waiting
What will it be like if you get to do what you want to do?
- It will be more difficult. There will be expectations of you - things will also be better than you ever imagined

Streamlined version of questions

What would you like to do?
What talents and opportunities do you possess to support you?
What motivates you to want to do it?
What steps can you take now? Awareness, action, accountability
Whose advice can you get?
What are you willing to pay?
Where do you most need to grow?

3. Law of the Mirror

People don't reach their potential because of low self-esteem.

Ask yourself: Do you like what you see in the mirror?

Recognize your value and begin to add value to yourself. When you invest in yourself, you'll see more value in yourself (you are worth investing in). Don't live your lives according to what people expect of you. Be more concerned about what you think of yourself - you don't have to accept what people say you will be

Steps to build your self image:

Guard your self-talk: self-talk comes from our upbringing; why needlessly add to your problems with negative self-talk
Stop comparing yourself to others: you either become discouraged or proud; only compare yourself to you.
Move beyond your limiting beliefs: believe you will be great; if you limit what you will do, you limit what you can do
- Identify limiting belief
- Determine how it limits you
- Decide how you want to be
- Create turnaround statement that restates who you want to be
Add value to others: hard to feel bad about yourself if you do something good for someone else; also people will value you more
Do the right thing even though it is hard: be true to yourself and your values
Practice a small discipline daily in a specific area of your life: apply this in an area in your life that seems overwhelming
Celebrate small victories; "it's good that I did that, it's good for me"
Embrace a positive vision of your life
Practice the one-word strategy: select one word to best describe you - what you focus on expands
Take responsibility for your life
Know that you matter.

Actions to Take:

Make a list of your 100 best personal qualities: choose one word to best describe you
Track your positive and negative self-talk
Note different ways you add value to other people

4. Law of Reflection

Peter Drucker: follow effective action with quiet reflection to get even more effective action

Stop, PAUSE and allow the lesson to catch up with us
Always add value and exceed expectations
Reflection turns experience into insight - evaluate your experience
Pause with intention to enrich reflection and learning

When you take time to pause:

Investigate - all truths are easy to understand once you discover them
Incubate - Reflect on your experience of life and let the ideas that come up simmer in your mind
Illuminate - Focus on insights that are relevant to you
Illustrate - Flesh out key ideas: everyone is looking but not seeing; ask yourself good questions

Personal Awareness Questions

What is my biggest asset?
What is my biggest liability?
What is my highest high?
What is my lowest low?
What is my most worthwhile emotion?
What is my least worthwhile emotion?
What is my best habit?
What is my worst habit?
What is most fulfilling?
What do I prize most highly?

Ask yourself questions in the area you want to reflect on.

Personal growth questions

Do I practice the 15 laws of growth?
Which do I do best? Weakest?
Am I growing daily?
What am I doing to grow?
How am I growing?
What are the roadblocks?
Am I passing it forward?

You won't get far without a clear mission: What is your passion? What have you achieved? What are the shoulds that have followed you?

Have you created a place where you can reflect? Schedule time to pause and reflect

The wise man questions himself, the fool others - ask yourself tough questions

5. Law of Consistency

Motivation gets you going, discipline keeps you going.

How to be more consistent and disciplined

Know the what, how, where and when

Do you know what you need to improve?
- Develop yourself to be successful, when you expand, you open up possibilities
Do you know how you're supposed to improve?
- Match your motivation to your personality type
  - Phlegmatic: need to see the value of doing something
  - Choleric: make decisions quickly but will not participate if not in charge
  - Sanguine: life of every party - likes rewards
  - Melancholy: attention to detail, perfectionist - focus on details

A common mistake is attempting too much too soon.

Need to be patient. Impatience stems from unrealistic expectations - don't give up too soon.
Life goals are reached by annual goals, daily goals and habits - focus on today

In addition to How and What, it's important to know Why because it gives you staying power. Take the WHY Test:

Do you constantly procrastinate on important tasks?
Do you require coaxing to do small chores?
Do you only complete your duties to get by?
Do you talk negatively about your work?
Do efforts of friends to encourage you irritate you?
Do you start small projects and abandon them?
Do you avoid self-improvement opportunities?

Understand the relationship between motivation and discipline. Give yourself more and bigger whys because small steps compound. Be consistently productive: greats are inspired because they are working and not working because they are inspired. Develop the habits of success because your habits lead to your destiny.

Don't be goal conscious, be growth conscious. Keep growing beyond your goals - don't set goals that are too small. Develop a daily growth system that plays to your personality strengths.

6. Law of Environment

If you're always at the head of the class, you are in the wrong class! Change your environment and move to a larger pond. Change depends on your choices. Impossible to grow without changing. Change your attitude.

Six choices to be in a better environment**

Access your environment and why you want to change - change for the sake of change won't help you
- What songs and ideas lift and speak to me?
- What experiences lift me?
- What dreams inspire me?
- Who cares for and supports me?
Change yourself and your environment: growth will be faster if you change both. This accelerates chance for success. In a growth environment, people are ahead of me and growth is modeled and accepted
- How do you get a poker hot? Put it next to the fire. Spend time with great people, books, and tapes
Change who you spend your time with: people who you associate with are your reference group.
- Associate with expansive people further along in their growth journey than you - people who are positive, more successful, have integrity and constantly growing.
- Find accountability partner that desires your success and willing to help you
Challenge yourself in your new environment: need to be intentional to find those growth opportunities.
- Create deadlines and make your goals public
- Look for one major growth opportunity every week - schedule a learning lunch with your mentor(s)
- Questions to ask:
  - What are your strengths
  - What are you learning now?
  - What do I need right now?
  - Who have they met? What have they read? What have you done that has helped you?
  - What haven't I asked that I should have?
Focus on the moment: the happiest moment is this moment. Don't worry about past or future since you can't influence it directly.
Move forward despite criticism: don't wait, create the life you want. Whatever course you decide upon, someone will always tell you that you're wrong. Someone's opinion of you does not have to be your reality - make your own decisions.

Create a growth environment for others - growth should be encouraged, modeled and expected.

1. Apply the law of environment: Are the following true?

Others are ahead of me
I am continually challenged
The firm's focus is forward
The atmosphere is affirming
I'm often out of my comfort zone
I wake up excited
I understand failure is not the enemy
I see others are growing
People around me desire change
Positive growth is modeled and expected

2. Assess your personal growth needs:

Are you in the right soil to grow in?
Who do you know is better than you? Who is stretching you?

3. Set goals that challenge you and are beyond your current capabilities

7. Law of Design

To maximize growth, develop strategies.

Spend time reviewing your calendar and evaluate each entry - look at meetings, appointments, and other activities. Account for every waking hour in the previous years.

1. Life is very simple but keeping it that way is difficult - know your values and make key decisions based on those values to help you manage those decisions

Can it be received personally?
Can it be repeated easily?
Can it be transferred strategically?

2. Designing your life is more important than designing your career - customize your growth

3. Life is not a dress rehearsal: Most successful execs say they should have taken charge of their life earlier - better health, more time with family and personal development, more fun, better career planning, and give more back

4. Multiply everything by 2 - important things in life take longer and cost more. Plan to take double the time you expected - infuse realism to your optimism.

Systems allow people to best leverage time, money, and other resources. Create and use systems to be efficient - capture the best thoughts and ideas you've come across. Look at your calendar and highlight the main events that help you target what you want.

Developing effective systems:

Ask "what is the most valuable use of my time right now?" Use your response to shape the system you use. Identify when your prime productive time is.
If you say yes too easily, create a screening system and maintain your priorities
Effective systems include measurement. If you can't measure it, you can't understand it, you can't control it, you can't improve it. Measurement makes a difference
Effective systems include application: need to start you doing something. What are you going to do? Need both plan and action.
Effective systems employ organization - set your priorities and spend your time
Effective systems promote consistency - if you want to succeed in the long run, be disciplined to follow through. Consistency is usually not exciting but the results can be very exciting.

Seek out principles that stand the test of time and customize approaches to best fit you. Whatever good things you build will end up building you. Are you designing strategies for your life?

Refine systems that will:

Maximize your time
Paint the big picture and ensure your values and priorities are consistent.
Measure the outcomes
Be biased towards action
Organize you
Be repeatable, simple, and straightforward

8. Law of Pain

Good management of bad experiences leads to great growth. Every problem introduces a person to himself. I try to take life one day at a time but some days just attack me. The pain of competence, disappointment, conflict, change, bad health, hard decisions, financial loss, relationship losses, not being the best, traveling, responsibility

No one likes it when they are in the middle of a bad experience. If they handle it well, it becomes a nice war story.

How to turn your pain into gain

Choose a positive life stance: Life is not the way it is supposed to be, it is the way it is. You can decide how you cope with it - life is filled with good and bad.
Embrace and develop your creativity: Make the most out of bad experiences by finding opportunities and possibilities.
Learn from bad experiences: You never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more the chance of doing so (Kettering).
Make good changes after learning from bad experiences: Bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.
Take responsibility for your life: don't be a victim - be accountable for your life. No insight is valuable to you if you don't change your actions accordingly.

9. Law of the Ladder

Character growth determines the height of your personal success. Base business dealings on values and principles - use mastermind groups. Focus more on character than on competence.

Honesty is the characteristic that most enhances personal reputations - need to trust and be honest with yourself.

Character ladder

I will focus on being better on the inside than on the outside - what we do or neglect to do affects our lives. Before you can DO, you must BE.
I will follow the golden rule because people matter.
I will teach only what I believe because passion matters
I will value humility above all others because perspective matters. Everyone has weaknesses so admit to your weaknesses, be patient with other peoples weaknesses and be open to feedback. Be teachable and willing to serve others because it's not all about you. Be grateful because those who drink the water must remember those who dug the well.
I will strive to finish well because faithfulness matters - live to the highest standard continually.

Pay attention to your potential more than to your success - be who you should be, not only where you want to be.

Access where your focus has been:

How much did you spend on learning vs. material things?
How much time are you spending to serve others?

10. Law of the Rubberband

Need to keep band stretched from where you are to where you want to be. Life begins at the end of our comfort zone. God's gift to us is our potential, our gift to God is to develop it. Focus on building a legacy.

Remember that rubber bands are useful only when they are stretched.

People rarely want to stretch - most people only use a fraction of their ability. Don't settle for average in life (being top of the bottom is not an accomplishment).
Settling for the status quo leads to dissatisfaction - have the courage to go outside of your comfort zone. Everyone has a dream but few pursue it - measure yourself against yourself.
Stretching always requires change - "yesterday ended last night". Your history is not your destiny.
Stretching sets you apart from others - do the extra work and be excellent.
Everything that ceases to struggle rapidly deteriorates - strive to be better tomorrow than you are today. "The greatest enemy of tomorrow's success is today's success." (Drucker?)
Stretching gives you a shot at significance - "a possibility is a hint from God, we must follow it." Growth stops when you lose the tension from where you are and where you want to be.

Assess your stretch:

Where have you stopped stretching?
Continually reset intermediate range goals - make barely within reach

11. Law of Tradeoffs

Need to give up some things you value to grow up.

We all make tradeoffs in life: failures make bad tradeoffs, averages make few tradeoffs and successfuls make good tradeoffs. We don't always get what we want but we always get what we choose.

When faced with a tradeoff:

What are the pluses and minuses?
Will I go through this change or GROW through this change?

When you want something you've never had, you've got to make changes you've never done. Change is not easy but it can always be done - if we cannot change the situation, we can change ourselves.

Changing before you have to usually leads to a gain. Changing after you have to usually leads to a loss. **

Tradeoffs are not irreversible. Make a u-turn. You cannot always make a new start but you can make a new end.

The higher you climb the harder the tradeoffs. Don't use your success as an excuse to coast. The skills that got you here won't get you there.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. No matter what we choose, it will change us. Not everything is worth trading. Create an environment that will prevent bad tradeoffs - for example, your significant other should have veto rights over your schedule.

Good trades

Give up financial security today for potential tomorrow: value opportunity over security because the only job security is personal development.
Give up immediate gratification for personal growth: there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
Give up the fast life for the good life: live in the place you belong, with the people you like, doing what you want on purpose. Create capacity in your life by delegating all the things you're not the best at and work with people you like.
Give up security for significance: measure progress by significance. Make a difference, not just a living.
Give up addition for multiplication: what can I do WITH others as opposed to FOR others. Equip other people - explore and develop your leadership skills.

Remember that you can't do everything at once. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Move up and not down. Freedom at the top.

12. Law of Curiosity

Growth is stimulated by asking why. Curiosity opens options - "all meaningful and lasting change starts first in your imagination" - Einstein

How to cultivate curiosity

Believe you can be curious
Have a beginner's mindset: wonder why and ask questions, be open and vulnerable, have a great attitude and release the desire to look good
Make WHY your favorite word. Don't just give answers - explore and evaluate what you discover
Spend time with other curious people
Learn something new every day - experience something different - wake up with an attitude of openness, keep eyes and ears open, reflect and think about your new experience - apply what you learn and evaluate the highlights
Partake in the fruit of failure - people who grow and develop see failure as a process. See failure as a friend to be embraced.
Stop looking for the right answer - always more than one solution to the problem. If it ain't broke, how can we make it better or when is it likely to break? Challenge the rules and the status quo process
Get over yourself - be like children and just ask. Don't be afraid to look foolish. It is better to look uninformed than to be uninformed - be solution oriented
Be an abundant thinker - "how can I?" As opposed to "can I? "
Enjoy your life - desire to know why

Assess your curiosity:

Where do you focus most of your time and energy? Always keep a beginners mind no matter how expert you get.
Make a list of the people you spend the most time with each week - are they curious and like to learn new things?
Are you afraid to fail or do you take yourself too seriously? Do something that is completely out of your comfort zone

13. Law of Modeling

Read and summarize action points of books that interest you - take action on what you learn as fast as possible.

Need to find models of people who are ahead of you to follow - learn from books and connect with people. Be selective when choosing a mentor.

Criteria for mentors

A good mentor is a worthy example: we become like the people we follow - look at both their personal and professional lives.
A good mentor is available - need time to ask questions. Don't shoot too high too soon because you need to find people available, experienced and willing.
A good mentor has proven experience: "to know the road ahead, ask those coming back" - learn from more experienced people.
A good mentor possesses wisdom and knows where to tap. Never confuse the giftedness of the person with the person.
A good mentor provides friendship and support: a mentor should care for the other person. Great things happen when we stop seeing ourselves as God's gift to others and others as God's gift to us. Cultivate a desire to learn something from every person you meet
A good mentor is a coach that makes a difference in people's lives. They help to carry a value person from where they are to where they want to be.

Five common characteristics of fantastic coaches

Cares for the other person
Observes behavior, attitude, and performance
Aligns coachees with their strengths for peak performance
Communicates and gives feedback about performance
Helps them to improve life and performance

Nobody is an entire orchestra, everyone is a musician. Take away a musician and the orchestra doesn't work.

Working with a mentor

Come prepared with 3-5 thoughtful questions and apply the answers.
Set another meeting and repeat
Find mentors in different areas of your life: make a list of the strengths you want to improve and weaknesses where you need guidance

14. Law of Expansion

Potential within us is limitless - we usually create our own limits.

How to increase your thinking capacity**

1. Stop thinking MORE work and start thinking WHAT works. Choose the better strategy - hardwork is not always the answer.

Questions to figure out what works:

What am I required to do?
What gives greatest return?

2. Replace "can I?" with "how can I?" Give yourself a chance to overcome - what would you attempt if you knew you couldn't fail? Test your limits

3. Stop thinking one door and start thinking many doors. Look for multiple answers. People need to act on their dream and they formulate the details NOT waiting for the secret formula to their dreams. Give yourself options - if you can change your thinking, you can change your life

4. Stop doing what you were doing before and do something new. A master doesn't become a master overnight - apprentice, journeyman, master. Should I enjoy my life or expand it?

5. Stop doing what is expected and do more of what is not expected - help more, do more, give more - strive

6. Stop doing important things occasionally and start doing important things daily. Make your life a masterpiece. Thoreau: advance confidently in dreams - do the right thing always. "Thank you I notice" notes - make progress until the day you die

7. Believe that You can do it

Review your effectiveness:

What takes you a long time?
What changes do you need to make?

Plan a system to do what is important daily

Choose and display right attitudes
Determine and Act on important priorities
Know and follow healthy guidelines
Communicate and care for family
Practice and develop good thinking
Make key proper commitments
Earn and properly manage finances
Deepen and live out faith
Initiate and invest in solid relationships
Plan for and model generosity
Embrace and practice good values
Seek and experience improvements

15. Law of Contribution

Growing yourself enables you to grow others. Help others because we are all one.

What good should I do today - what good did I do today? Model the right behavior for others - be a mentor for others. Be a river, not a reservoir. Give as your receive - abundance mindset.

Cultivate an attitude of contribution

Be grateful - no one succeeds alone. There is no success without sacrifice. If we do succeed, then someone before us sacrificed for them.
Put people first - tender with young, compassionate with aging, sympathetic with striving, tolerant of weak and strong.
Don't let stuff own you - haves, have-nots, have not paid for what they haves - owning things doesn't bring satisfaction. There is a time to acquire and a time to give it away. Give away valuable things to fight greed.
Don't let people own you - always give more than you receive and don't keep score. Do this for everyone including your employer.
Define success as sowing, not reaping.
Focus on self-development NOT self-fulfillment - focus on how something helps you to serve others. Your talent is your responsibility.
Keep growing to keep giving - play to win as opposed to playing not to lose. The greatest gift you can give to others is your own personal development - your life belongs to the community.

Put people first in your life - where are they on your list of goals?

The post The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Mindset by Carol Dweck

Robert Chen — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 14:02:15 +0000

(click on book cover for more details)

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

Published: December 2007
ISBN-10: 0345472322
EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: Adopt a growth mindset NOT a fixed mindset. See yourself as a work in progress, not a finished product. Failure doesn't define you - your skills can be developed so focus on getting better by doing ever more challenging work. Stop trying to prove you're great or protect your intelligence by taking on easy tasks or not trying. Praise and criticize effort, not traits, brains or talent.

Our notes:

People may have different starting points but experience, training, and personal effort is what takes them the rest of the way; "not always the people who start out the smartest that end up the smartest" (Binet)

Your mindset matters: adopt growth mindset as opposed to fixed mindset

Stop trying to prove your greatness and focus on getting better, those with fixed mindset avoid being measured while the growth mindset focused on what to do differently in the next situation;
When reviewing your skills, do you see fixed ability that needs to be proven or changeable ability that can be developed

Howard Gardner - "exceptional people have a special talent for identifying their own strengths and weaknesses"

No matter what kind of person you are, you can change substantially and you can change your mindset

Challenge yourself by playing against people better than you; really explore your limits - don't go through life doing what is easy; get the thrill from what's hard

Definition of smart: learning something over time (confronting a challenge and making progress) as opposed to immediate perfection; stop trying to prove you're special or superior to others; recognize your struggle and honor your work**

Potential is the ability to develop skills: one test CANNOT measure you forever

Failure doesn't define you; those with a fixed mindset tend to shirk, cheat, blame when they fail and look to compare with those worst off; those with a growth mindset will work harder*

Fixed mindset thinks effort is for people with deficiencies; hard to say "I gave it my all but it wasn't good enough"; people don't try because they don't think they need to if they have talent; Not trying also removes excuses when you try and fail

People with fixed mindsets seek validation for being smart or that they are better than others*

Strive to be able to say, "I gave my all for the things I valued"

Growth Mindset Strategies:

When you want to give up because something is hard, keep going and meet the challenge; Be mentally tough to stay focused when things aren't going your way; champions stretch beyond ordinary ability when they need to
Remember that you're not perfect, get constructive feedback
When you're feeling down, work harder
Do something you're not good at; Focus on the value of your actions and not the outcomes - take actions that stretch you
Think of your heroes, note the work they put in to achieve what they have achieved

Working harder makes you smarter; study to learn, not just to ace tests; take charge of the process for being awesome ***

What anyone in the world can learn, anybody else can learn given the right conditions

Praise effort - not ability; burden of talent kills enjoyment;

Avoid labeling - Negative labels harm achievement because people are afraid of deserving it. Positive labels hurt because people are afraid of losing it.

When people beat you, consider that they used better strategies, taught themselves more, practiced harder and worked their way through obstacles

Gladwell - people praise natural endowment over earned ability; that's why people think it's effortless for successful people (don't fall into this trap)

Growth mindset: work in progress

Success = learning and improving, not winning
Setbacks = wake up calls; motivating and informative
Takes charge of processes that bring and maintain success

Fixed mindset: finished product

Success = proving you're superior
Failure = labeled as loser
Doesn't take responsibility for process: blames others

Don't assume you're bad at something - work hard and you can overcome

Great leaders:

Can look failures in the face, even their own, and maintain faith that they would succeed at the end
Give praise for initiative, seeing a difficult task through, struggling and learning something new, acting in criticism

Warning sign of someone with a fixed mindset:

They need to prove their superiority!! Or blame others **;
They look to validate themselves even if it means putting others down

When leaders have a fixed mindset, everyone adopts it because do they are being judged in that way

In relationships:

After a breakup, fixed mindset people go for revenge to discredit the other person; growth mindset person sees the experience as a learning opportunity

When it comes to relationships, see you, your partner and the relationship all having the ability to grow

mind reading, agreeing on everything is fixed mindset thinking
partners have the potential for change but it doesn't mean they will change
encourage each other's development

Who can you share your successes with? These are your real growth mindset friends

To your children, send this message:

Praise effort, not intelligence or talent - "You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."
- Be careful how you talk about others and about praising speed and perfection
- Innate talent is not a goal, developing skills and knowledge is
Don't make life a series of tests, remove judgment ***, teach instead
Teach them to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort and keep on learning **
When child fails, tell them why they didn't deserve to win; feedback teaches how to fix something, it doesn't label
Next time in a position to discipline, look at the msg you are sending:
- "I will judge and punish you" or "I will help you think and learn."
- Show kids you love them even if they don't go for your aspirations for them; resist the urge to make children carbon copies of yourself

Great teachers believe in the growth of the intellect and they are fascinated with the process of learning

Teach students to love learning; challenge and nurture them
Continue to learn - apply yourself a little each day to become better
Demand full preparation and full effort from your students
Remember you top priorities for a teacher: concern, compassion and consideration

"Success is not coming to you, you must come to it."

Beware of success - it can knock you into the fixed mindset

When deciding to take action (need to do, want to learn, problem to solve), don't vow - make a concrete and vivid plan.

What can I learn from this?
Ask: What are the opportunities for learning and growth today? For myself, for people around me?
When, where and how will I learn?

Change needs to be supported or they go away; you're always vulnerable to your old habits

Move away from judge and be judged mindset to learn and help learn

Here is a good visual summary from Carol Dweck's Mindset website:

The post Mindset by Carol Dweck appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Life Lessons Learned from the Late William Zinsser

Robert Chen — Tue, 12 May 2015 15:06:05 +0000

William Zinsser, American writer and teacher, passed away at the age of 92 this past week.

I had the privilege of meeting Bill a few years ago when I interviewed him for the Modeling Success Series. In addition, to the wonderful insights from that interview, we built a relationship that has been invaluable to me. I'm sadden by the loss of this great man to the world. His spirit and teachings live on.

Here are three lessons he taught me with both his actions and words:

Follow your passion

The first advice Bill gave me was to stop trying to please everyone and to do what you are made to do. Only when you do what you love can you convey a real sense of enjoyment in working. What's compelling about Bill's advice is that he leads by example. He gave up the comfortable success of taking over his family's business and pursued his passion for writing. His attitude of enjoyment, focus on excellence and fearlessness around failing not only made him wildly successful but also timelessly inspirational.

Be generous

Agreeing to be interviewed, allowing the interview to span a few hours and being a mentor afterwards are all testaments to Bill's generosity with both his time and advice. Throughout his career, he empowered others by giving them permission to write about themselves and cling to their originality. Around the age of 90, he continued to proactively reached out to others with a letter offering help for "writing problems and stalled editorial projects and memoirs and family history; for singalongs and piano lessons and vocal coaching; for readings and salons and whatever pastimes you may devise that will keep both of us interested and amused." This snippet really shows the type of person that he was.

Explore and learn continuously

If you've ever read Bill's books or articles, you know that he enjoys traveling and broadening his horizons. He mentioned to me that the more you learn and stretch your comfort zone, the better your ability to generate uniqueness. That's how others connect to you. By doing something you've never done before, you'll learn something about yourself that you didn't know before.

Bill had a magnificent obsession to help others be who they were meant to be through his writing and teaching. I aspire to follow his lead and help others live their best life by sharing not only my experiences but showing by example.

Thank you Bill for stepping into my life. It has made all the difference.

(For more of Bill's insights and to hear some of his actual responses from the interview on audio, click here)

Photo by madnessofart

The post Life Lessons Learned from the Late William Zinsser appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How to Get Along with Almost Anyone (it’s easier than you think)

Robert Chen — Sat, 25 Oct 2014 13:34:20 +0000

Over the years, I've received a lot of advice from friends and family, trained professionals and books on how to get along with others and build strong relationships. Most of it is insightful and effective but when I'm caught up in the moment, I find it hard to apply what I've learned. This is especially true when it involves a multi-step process.

After analyzing many methods and experimenting in my own interactions, I've found one simple guideline that has helped me enhance every one of my interpersonal relationships

This simple easy-to-remember tip is:

Make the other person feel significant

No one likes to feel small and most conflicts occur when you make others feel unimportant whether you intend to or not. If you think back to situations that make you angry or frustrated, it mostly likely stemmed from someone disrespecting or dismissing you. Road rage is a perfect example of this.

The key to getting along with almost anyone is to avoid actions that diminish others and replace them with actions that build up others.

Here are some behaviors that break down relationships:

Acting annoyed
- Rolling your eyes
- Sighing audibly
- Clicking your tongue or sucking your teeth
Being disrespectful with your words or actions
- Not paying attention to someone who is speaking to you
- Using a condescending or patronizing tone
- Raising your voice
- Being unresponsive
Undermining others
- Speaking negatively of others
- Unfairly criticizing the other person's attributes, actions and efforts
- Sabotaging someone's project or reputation

Now that you know what behaviors to avoid, you can strengthen you relationships with these actions:

Pay Attention Fully

When you interact with someone, give them your undivided attention. Don't look around to see what else is going on or check your phone or watch. Take time to listen and respond accordingly to show you're engaged. Make the other person feel like they're the most important person you're meeting with that year.

Get Insatiably Curious

Nothing will make someone light up more brightly than showing genuine interest in them. Be curious and ask specific questions based on what you hear. The more questions you ask, the better the interaction will go but keep in mind that you must be sincere. If you try to fake it, people can tell. Express real enthusiasm to be with this person.

Elevate Appropriately

When possible, show that you consider the other person remarkable. You can highlight the great work that they're doing, compliment them on specific past achievements or let them know how grateful you are to spend time with them. Find opportunities to speak highly of this person to others as often as you honestly can. One trap to avoid is making others feel more important by putting yourself down. This is never helpful so it's critical that you lift others up in a way that respects everyone including you.

It's not hard to get along with others.

Make them feel important by showing them that you value their time, knowledge and experience. A good rule of thumb is to treat others like you would the CEO of your company, President of your country or someone you truly admire. Think about how you would act if you met with these individuals.

I'm sure you would probably:

give them your full attention and all the time in the world,
be curious about their lives and
find opportunities to compliment them and their work.

If you act this way with all your relationships, you'll see some great results.

I've found this guideline to be especially helpful with those closest to me - my family and particularly my parents. Growing up, it was easy to take them for granted since they uncomplainingly put up with my disrespectful ways. By applying this simple rule, our relationship has never been better.

Lastly, this guiding principle will work wonders for the way you interact with yourself. Think of your daily self talk and apply this strategy. Stop being unfairly tough on yourself and find ways to pay attention to, elevate and promote yourself in an authentic way.

I hope this simple tip will serve you as effectively as it has served me.

What simple and effective guidelines do you use to live your best life?

Please share it with us in the comments section below.

Photo by Martina Lanotte

The post How to Get Along with Almost Anyone (it’s easier than you think) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself

Robert Chen — Sat, 13 Jul 2013 17:29:02 +0000

You probably think your life could be better.

It's not that it's bad. It's just not what you'll call "awesome".

If you want to confirm this, answer this question:

What have you been up to?

If your answer is:

Not much
Same old
Eh...

or any other variation, then you may want to jumpstart your life.

A great way to do that is by upgrading your identity.

Your identity is who you believe yourself to be and is made up of your thoughts, your actions, your habits and your outer appearance. People often make the mistake of believing that their identity is pre-determined and cannot be changed. They don't realize that their current identity exists only because they've allowed it to and that they have the power to change their identity at any time. To make a lasting change in your life, redefine your identity.

You will always be you. There is no law that says you need to be the same you for the rest of your life. The whole point of personal growth and mastery is to be a BETTER you every day.

So how do you change your identity for the better and make it stick?

Define in Detail a Better Identity

Think about the identity you want to step into. What are the inner qualities and outer appearances that make up this identity?

A good place to start is to look closely at the people you admire and isolate the qualities that you admire about them. You can get to know many great people from their biographies or interviews. You can even make it up because you're not trying to be someone else. You're finding strong qualities to build a better identity than the one you have now. To make this work, you need to get specific. Ask yourself questions like:

What is their demeanor and personality?
How would they carry themselves in public and in private?
What is their view on handling disputes?
What clothes would they wear?
How would they treat waiters, their boss or the President of the US?
What good habits would they have?

Once you have a clearer picture for how this new identity thinks, looks and acts, organize this information and create a profile for this "new" you. Hone in on three key characteristics that define this new identity and highlight them in your profile.

Step Into Your New Identity

To take on this new identity, you'll need to do three things:

1. Believe that this better identity IS you

2. Think like this better identity

3. Act and look like this better identity

To mentally prepare, visualize yourself adopting the thought processes and mannerisms of this new identity. Rehearse in your mind typical scenarios you face and how you would act with this new set of qualities. Notice the differences between how you would have handle the situation before and how you would handle it now.

Once you've practiced it mentally a few times, do it in real life. If you feel like you're being fake, it's because you don't believe that this new identity is you. Many of us allow other people to give us our identities - parents, teachers, friends, media, etc. It's time to take back that power.

Give yourself permission to define who you are.

Your identity is who YOU want it to be and not who others want you to be.

For example, you decide that your new identity is confident, happy and generous. To be this new you, you will assert yourself at work, stand with a strong posture, smile more often and donate your time and money to charity. It doesn't matter if you didn't do any of this before, start now.

Make Your New Identity Stick

This is probably the most challenging step.

To make your new identity stick, other people must acknowledge it. This is tough because those around you know you as you and it's common to believe that people don't fundamentally change. Think about your own experience with people you knew when you were younger who have changed dramatically. Weren't you a bit skeptical too?

It's hard enough for you to adapt to your new mindset and behaviors. It becomes even tougher when others around you unknowingly sabotage your efforts by treating you like you haven't changed or talk to others about the "old" you.

The easy fix for this is to move to a place where no one knows you. By doing this you don't need to worry about breaking down other people's old image of you, or having them misinterpret your new actions with their perceptions of the old you. You can just adopt your new appearances and actions and others will accept you for who you have decided to be.

When you're working so hard to improve yourself and other people question what you're doing or worst yet, tell you that you're being inauthentic, it is frustrating. Unfortunately, it's always people closest to you who are most skeptical. They know you so well that they're not willing to give up the old you. They even become suspicious of the new you.

According to the bible, Jesus faced a similar issue. He was known to be a great man during his time but people in his hometown only knew him as a carpenter's son and would not acknowledge his greatness. He even said, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family" (Mark 6:4). This didn't stop him from being great and it shouldn't stop you.

If moving away is not an option for you, change your environment in some way. You can find new friends, change the amount of time you spend with your old friends and family or switch jobs. This allows you to get comfortable with your new identity.

Of course, you probably like your friends and leaving your family is not an option, so what should you do then?

Tell those close to you what you're trying to do. You can even show them this article to help them understand. They can support you if they want but at the minimum they should not sabotage you. If they are not supportive, it is okay. You don't need other people to acknowledge it first for you to change. It just makes it easier. If you're consistent with your new identity, people will begin to accept your new identity and change their attitude and beliefs towards you.

I've had the fortune of reinventing myself several times and it's always been easier when I was in new surroundings. Now that I'm back in my hometown, I still have people from my childhood who are skeptical about who I've become. All I can do is remain consistent with the identity I've decided to keep and to live my best life.

If you're not completely content with where you are in life, consider reinventing yourself. Take time now and figure out specifically who you want to be and take on the thoughts, feelings and actions of the new you. If you can find a way to change your environment (e.g. getting a new job, going away for college, moving to another city or country), even better.

What has been your experience with upgrading your identity and what strategies do you use?

Has changing environments ever accelerate your growth?

The post How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

The Real Reason You Brush Your Teeth Before Going to the Dentist

Robert Chen — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 01:36:27 +0000

I've been guilty of it.

A day or two before my dentist's appointment, I will spend twice the amount of time brushing my teeth and triple the time flossing (I'm normally a fast flosser).

I even make the effort to brush my teeth again and use Listerine right before my appointment.

If I really think about it ... it's absurd.

Here I am paying my dentist to clean my teeth and I am doing most of the work for her (although she probably begs to differ).

How about you?

Are you guilty of this as well?

Are you the type to clean up the house before the cleaning lady comes?

If you are or know someone who is, read on.

So, why do we do this to ourselves?

There is really one reason:

We care about what other people think.

We are afraid our dentist and the dental assistants will silently look at each other with furrowed brows and annoyed looks when working on our teeth. We can already see them talking about us the next day, commenting on how lazy and unhygienic we are. We can readily imagine our cleaning lady shaking her head disapprovingly as she cleans up our mess (a gesture she usually reserves for college dorm rooms and seedy motels).

No matter how we try to spin it, we just don't like to be judged negatively by other people (especially people we don't know).

Cleaning up before the maid. Brushing our teeth more vigilantly. These are harmless examples but it is when it becomes a habit and you automatically start to go against your natural inclinations because you are afraid of what other people will think, that's when it becomes dangerous.

A good warning sign is when you begin to rationalize your behavior instead of taking responsibility. You tell yourself that by cleaning up you are being considerate to others. You argue that the more "easy" work you do, the better they can focus on the "hard" work you paid them to do. I learned somewhere that there are always two reasons for doing something: the reason that sounds good and the real reason.

The reasons that sound good are all too familiar so what is real reason you brush your teeth before going to the dentist is?

You care more about what other people think of you than what you think of yourself.

This is a formula for disaster for one big reason:

You have no power over the actions and thinking of other people.

So if your self-image is based on what other people think about you, you're going to be in for some pretty big up and down days. You are disempowering yourself by changing your self-worth anytime someone changes their opinion of you.

Now that's a pretty horrible way to live and it doesn't have to be that way.

Try this:

Care more about what you think about yourself than what others think about you.

All I did was change the order of the words and the impact is huge. The best way to put this to use in the real world is by separating your self-image from your behavior and outcome. Your self-image should not fluctuate. If anything it should only be going up because you completely control your self-image. Changing your self-image is instant. What are you waiting for?

Once you can separate your behavior from your self-image, failures becomes a reflection on your behavior, not who you are as a person. You haven't changed and you don't need to change. You were perfect from the minute you were born. What does have to change is your behavior. Remember that and your failures won't disempower you.

Are you someone who gets upset when people criticize or blame you?

Do you discount your ideas when it's contrary to popular belief?

Is your mood tied to what people think about you?

If so, I strongly recommend that you take the first step in the right direction and stop brushing your teeth right before you see the dentist. If you're feeling really good, eat some gooey chocolate beforehand. It may feel uncomfortable at first but when you come out with your teeth all cleaned and realizing how little it matters what the dentist thinks about you, it'll be well worth it.

If you're a dentist, sorry!

Photo by bark

The post The Real Reason You Brush Your Teeth Before Going to the Dentist appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How to Sell with Integrity – Lesson 3 – Why People Buy

Robert Chen — Mon, 14 May 2012 06:16:44 +0000

In this third lesson on How to Sell with Integrity, we're going to focus on how people decide to buy.

Although this lesson is interesting and helpful on its own, its effectiveness is powerfully multiplied when used within the context created after reading Lesson 1 - The First Thing to Think About and Lesson 2 - Matchmaker - Assist the Buyer. If you haven't reviewed those articles recently, I recommend that you do so before reading on.

Now that you have clearly understood your customer's needs and wants and determined that what you have to sell is an excellent fit to meet those needs and wants, it is almost time to get to the juicy part of sales - the exchange of money for value.

Before getting to that important moment, it is helpful to understand how people make their buying decisions and why they currently buy the things they buy. Having this knowledge will greatly increase your chance for making a successful sale with integrity.

To understand how people decide when to exchange their money for some product or service, let's look at how we make our buying decisions. Think about purchases you've made recently and the reason for those purposes. I've found these to be the common reasons we buy:

Belonging and Acceptance

One of the strongest drivers for any person is the desire to belong and to satisfy the need for acceptance within a group. Think about all the things you've bought just because other people had it, it was the fashion of the time or it helped you to be accepted into a group you wanted to be in.

This is why I've owned a Jansport bookbag, a motorcycle and golf clubs. Since then, I've given away my Jansport, sold my motorcycle and allowed my golf clubs (and accompanying pull cart) to collect dust. As I look at my current purchases, I'm surprised how many of my purchases are still based on this first reason.

How Knowing This Helps You: Build social proof by showing honest testimonial of your current clients being happy with your product or service or both and providing evidence that what you have to offer is preferred by the groups that your prospect is inclined to join. If you don't know which groups your prospect is inclined to join, go back to Lesson 1 (hint: use the same way to figure out what your potential customers want). Great way to build credibility is to serve others and being recognized as a consistent giver of value.

Boosting Self-Esteem and Confidence

Raising our self-esteem is one of those natural desires that greatly influence how we make decisions and when we decide to open up our wallets. A comedian once said "If women didn't like nice cars, men wouldn't be driving nice cars." and I have to admit there is some truth in that statement. We are all willing to spend money if we know it will help us improve the way we feel and look at ourselves.

It's not always about the practical use of what we buy that matters but how it makes us feel. The multi-BILLION dollar plastic surgery and cosmetics industries have been a major beneficiary of this reason to buy, not to mention any company dealing in designer merchandise (clothes, leather goods and shoes).

How Knowing This Helps You: In addition to all the wants and needs you've gathered from your prospect, remember that your prospect always has a desire to boost their self-esteem and confidence. If what you offer can increase their self-esteem, always highlight how it can make your prospects feel even better about themselves. Look out for these warning signs for low self-esteem to help you find potential clients.

Conditioning

Pavlov's dog should really get some royalties. He is probably the world's most famous dog when it comes to conditioning. For those of you who think I'm talking about hair products, the dog's athletic prowess or have no idea what I'm talking about, let me explain. For those who know where I'm going, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

Ivan Pavlov was a psychologist, and one of his most famous experiments was ringing a bell every time he was about to feed the dog and measuring the saliva levels. As you can guess, the dog soon associated the bell with being served food and automatically began salivating when he heard the bell. The basic idea is a stimulus (bell) triggers an automatic response (more saliva).

Although this experiment was conducted over 100 years ago, it provides our third explanation for why people buy. We are conditioned to buy. The goal of most advertisements is to associate a stimulus (their product) with an automatic response (handing our money over). I am shocked by how conditioned I am. I need to have Coca-Cola (or Pepsi) when I eat pizza, I automatically buy Bounty when I need paper towels and I think about GoDaddy when it's time to get a new domain name.

How Knowing This Helps You: Treat people well every time they buy from you and follow through on all of your promises. Be well-liked by smiling, being enthusiastic and listening intently. Click here to learn How to Build Rapport with Anyone.

Your actions will condition people to like, trust and believe you. Once they like you (because you've provided them with exceptional service) and trust you (because you've delivered what you promise), every time you make them an offer, they will associate you with all those great feelings and experiences.

Fulfilling Necessity and Convenience

Everyday there is someone buying food, gas and electricity and they do so because they either need it or it makes their life much easier. Out of all the reasons in this article, this one sets itself apart because it not only applies to everyone but products meeting this reason is very easy to sell. Who wouldn't exchange money for food when they are starving or pay for the use of a private bathroom after a week without showering. Unfortunately, due to the ease with which you can get someone to buy with this reason, competition is usually strong.

How Knowing This Helps You: Try to make what you are selling meet a need or help to make life more convenient. Be able to honestly answer "Yes" if someone asks whether your product or service is useful and whether it will make them happy.

If you have the "greatest" product ever and no one wants it but you, you're going to have a very hard time selling it. Although it is possible to educate and persuade your prospects about the benefits, it takes both time and money. You're better off selling something with some real demand. Anything that caters to any of the other reasons in this article is a great start. To set yourself apart, think about what you can offer that is unique to what is being offered.

Helping Someone You Know

I have a drawer full of Girl Scout cookies.

I didn't buy them to belong or be accepted into a group.

It hasn't really helped me boost my self-esteem or confidence.

I was definitely not conditioned to buy them.

It is something I don't need and it has actually made my life more inconvenient to find storage space for it.

So why did I do it?

To help out my co-worker's daughter.

That's it.

People buy things to preserve or build relationships. I am more inclined to buy something if I know that it will be helpful to someone I know. It is this reason I patronize my friend's restaurants, use my friend's services and buy girl scout cookies. I've come to realize that I tend to spend more on others than I do on myself. Life (which includes business) is about relationships and the more you give, the more you receive.

How Knowing This Helps You: Build relationships with everyone. If you haven't build up a strong network, start now. Once good relationships are established, your chances for getting a positive response for what you have to offer increases dramatically.

The best way to build your network is to help others. If you serve others without expecting anything in return, you will be the one that everyone wants to help even if it means buying some girl scout cookies. Relationships are ongoing and require maintenance. If you haven't done anything for your network lately, what are you waiting for?

Although it is important who you know, it is more important who knows you.

People rarely buy because of rational thinking and detailed pros and cons charts, they buy because of emotion. They ask themselves so many questions:

Will this be useful? Will it make me happy? Can I afford it? Will it do what it promises? Is it worth the money? Do I need it now? Do I trust this guy?

In the next lesson, we're going to talk about answering some of those questions and effectively building the bridge between what your prospect wants and what you have to offer.

Until then, I would be interested to hear how you currently make your buying decisions. Please share your experiences and thoughts in the comments section.

Photo by geezaweezer

The post How to Sell with Integrity – Lesson 3 – Why People Buy appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

The 7 Warning Signs of Low Self Esteem

Robert Chen — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 01:37:27 +0000

Self esteem: it's something you need to have a lot of before you succeed and it's something that no one can give you.

The first step towards high self-esteem is knowing where your current level of self esteem is. Most people don't know and it can't be measured just by looking at a person. So how do you gauge where you are at?

For the most part, if you truly believe you can do anything you want and you don't let criticism or other people's opinions bother you, I would say you have a high level of self esteem. If you still get shaken when other people criticize you, click here to learn how you can stay calm in the face of criticism.

I never thought of myself as having low self esteem but from my research and experience, I've come to recognize that there are times when I show warning signs of low self esteem. Before I tell you what you can do when you see these warning signs, let me share with you the 7 warning signs of low self esteem:

Can't Handle Praise

People who have low self esteem are uncomfortable and have trouble accepting praise. They usually deflect it or put themselves down. Being Chinese, I can understand that some of this may be cultural but when you make it awkward for someone to praise you, they are going to stop praising you. The easiest way to graciously accept praise is by saying "Thank you".

Condescending and/or Puts People Down

I used to trash talk a lot when I play basketball. Although most of it is fun and games, a part of it was making myself look good by making others look bad. The same applies for a belligerent boss or a rude customer. Anytime someone looks down on or tries to put down another person (even if they are just "joking"), they are revealing their own insecurities. People with high self esteem respect everyone no matter their background, situation or condition. They tend to make fun of themselves as opposed to other people.

Controlling vs. Empowering

When you try to control someone instead of empowering them, it shows that you feel threatened. Jealous partners who are manipulative and don't allow their significant others to talk to the opposite sex or to go out and enjoy themselves act this way due to low self esteem. It stems from the fear of losing that person because they don't feel they are good enough. Those with high self esteem are always looking to give power to other people knowing that they themselves are in full control of their own life.

Can't Say "No"

I had a big problem with this one. I found it hard to say no when someone would ask me to do something, go somewhere or join some team. It would be ok if it was something I enjoyed doing, but sometimes I would agree to things that I knew I wouldn't enjoy. I believe some of it comes from being nice and wanting to be helpful but a big part of it comes from wanting to please people. I wanted people to like me because I was basing my self-worth on what others thought about me and this is a sure sign of low self esteem. If you want to build your self esteem, learn to say "no" when you really want to say "no".

Being Indecisive

When you can't decide, there are usually a few reasons: You don't want to take responsibility for making the wrong decision, you believe that what you want is not as important as what someone else wants and/or you really don't know what to do. Apart from not knowing what to do, the other reasons are warning signs of low self esteem. Anytime you feel that you are not as important as someone else or you don't deserve something, you are lowering your esteem. People with high self esteem are decisive because they understand that their opinion is worth just as much as anyone else's even if they are with high-profile people like the President of the United States.

Blames Others

The inability to accept responsibility is a telltale sign of low self-esteem. This shows up when someone is indecisive and when they blame other people. People blame others because they believe what you do is who you are which means when you make a mistake, you somehow diminish yourself. They don't realize by blaming others, they have made themselves powerless by becoming a victim of circumstance.

How many times have you heard or maybe even said:

"I was late because of stupid train delays.",

"I didn't get promoted because I don't schmooze with my managers." or

"I can't find a job because of the economy."

Although these may be valid reasons, people with strong self-esteem do not focus on the external factor that may have caused the undesired result but rather spend their energy thinking of ways to achieve the outcome that they want. They don't put themselves down for making a mistake, they just learn from the experience and move on.

Overly Apologetic

How do you tell if a presenter/speaker is not confident?

The first words they say is "I'm sorry." even though they haven't done anything to be sorry for. They are apologizing for being there because perhaps they believe someone better should be in their place. If you ever catch yourself apologizing for no good reason, be aware that something or someone is causing you to lower your self-esteem.

Apologies are important but should be reserved for the occasions when you make a mistake. In all other cases, don't apologize.

So what do you do if you are showing warning signs of low self esteem?

Recognize that:

Self esteem is just a belief. It takes as much effort to believe you have low self esteem as it does to believe you have high self esteem. All you need to do when experiencing low self esteem is to change your belief about yourself. Remember that no one can give or take away your self esteem.

"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself." -Thich Nhat Hanh

How do you spot low self esteem?

The post The 7 Warning Signs of Low Self Esteem appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

self-worth Archives | Embrace Possibility

Conscious Business by Fred Kofman

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values

Our notes:

Conscious Business: How to Build Value Through Values - Fred Kofman

Unconditional responsibility

Essential integrity

Ontological humility

Authentic communication

Constructive negotiation

Impeccable coordination

Emotional mastery

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Our notes:

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John Maxwell

The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth: Live Them and Reach Their Full Potential by John Maxwell

Our notes:

1. Law of Intentionality

2. Law of Awareness

3. Law of the Mirror

4. Law of Reflection

5. Law of Consistency

6. Law of Environment

7. Law of Design

8. Law of Pain

9. Law of the Ladder

10. Law of the Rubberband

11. Law of Tradeoffs

12. Law of Curiosity

13. Law of Modeling

14. Law of Expansion

15. Law of Contribution

Mindset by Carol Dweck

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

Our notes:

Life Lessons Learned from the Late William Zinsser

Follow your passion

Be generous

Explore and learn continuously

How to Get Along with Almost Anyone (it’s easier than you think)

Pay Attention Fully

Get Insatiably Curious

Elevate Appropriately

How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself

Define in Detail a Better Identity

Step Into Your New Identity

Make Your New Identity Stick

The Real Reason You Brush Your Teeth Before Going to the Dentist

How to Sell with Integrity – Lesson 3 – Why People Buy

Belonging and Acceptance

Boosting Self-Esteem and Confidence

Conditioning

Fulfilling Necessity and Convenience

Helping Someone You Know

The 7 Warning Signs of Low Self Esteem

Can't Handle Praise

Condescending and/or Puts People Down

Controlling vs. Empowering

Can't Say "No"

Being Indecisive

Blames Others

Overly Apologetic