Whether it's intentional or not, other people will do things that hurt us. This might be a work colleague who steals credit for our work or a personal friend who breaks our trust in an unforgivable way. In these moments, we feel completely justified to hold a grudge - we've been wronged and we deserve justice.

I was recently reading Oprah's The Wisdom of Sundays and she mentioned the following lesson she learned that really stuck with me:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can be any different. . . it is accepting that it has happened to you, not accepting that it was OK for it to happen."

The idea that our inability or reluctance to forgive is because we want the impossible (changing something that can't be changed) to happen is one that can only keep us stuck.

Although we have the reason and the right to withhold our forgiveness, there is a good chance that your grudge is bringing you down more than it is bringing the other person down. In many cases, the other person may not even be aware or care that you feel the way you feel. Even if they were, it doesn't impact them as negatively as it impacts you.

That's a long-winded way of saying, forgive others not because you're letting them off the hook but because you're letting yourself off the hook. Don't stay stuck because of what someone else did to you. Your present time is precious - don't waste it reliving the past.

Below is a Zen story that brings this point home:

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

(Source: KindSpring)

What can you let go of right now to help you make the most of your present time?

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

-Gandhi

 

Photo by Felix Koutchinski

The post When you find it hard to forgive someone … appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

At least that’s what I believe and it has served me well.

So why is it that some of them do bad things?

Unthinkable things?

From genocides to bullying

From terrorism to financial fraud

From smoking to working way too much

People, who are generally good, end up doing a spectrum of bad things to others and to themselves.

I used to believe that it was the weakness of these people and their characters that caused them to act poorly. Bad people are just bad people and those who are influenced by their environment or by others are just weak-willed. From my personal experiences, observations and research, I now realize how mistaken I was.

In Philip Zimbardo’s book, The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, he recounts in detail his famous Stanford Prison Experiment where college students, randomly assigned to be guards and inmates, were transformed in such a shocking way that they had to end the experiment early. Without being told how to behave, the guards naturally became brutal and sadistic while the inmates became resigned and emotionally broken (I recommend reading the book if you’re interested to see how things got to that point and the psychological analysis of why that happened.)

The roles were assigned randomly. The students who played the guards were not bad people. Those who played inmates were not weak-willed. They were both simply changed by the situation they were put in.

The lesson: Good apples in bad barrels become bad apples.

The environment that we are in has a profound effect on our thinking and actions. Most people (I was one of them) believe they can act independently of their environment not realizing how much of their action reflects the values of those around them and the situation they are in.

Why this happens: We all want to belong and gain acceptance from those around us. It’s natural and it happens without our conscious awareness. The clothes that we wear, the way we speak, the car that we buy, these decisions are all made to gain social approval. Even those who fight against the status quo and conformity want to gain acceptance from others fighting against conformity.

Take some time now to think about your own situation and your environment. If you want some guidance follow along with the steps below:

1. Is there something you do that you don’t want to do but seem helpless to stop it? (choose a few of these)
2. Think about your environment (the people around you, the books your read, the culture of your company, the physical objects that surround you, etc.) and find the connection between your undesired behavior and your environment (there is a connection so keep looking until you find it).

Some examples:

People who work late usually do so because everyone else works late. When I was working in Asia, one of the key concepts I learned was “face time” (this was before Apple redefined the word). People would literally stay in the office because everyone else was in the office and if you left early, you would be judged as being lazy or not being a team player regardless if you’ve finished your work or not.

People who consistently fail at their diets usually live in a household filled with junk food or have close friends who have poor diet and exercise habits.

People who put themselves in debt buying luxury goods are usually in an environment where status symbols are necessary to fit in. Those who don't buy the best are ostracized by the group.

“When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.”

- Japanese Proverb

Once you make the connection between your behavior and your environment, recognize that as the main cause for your negative behavior and stop blaming your lack of willpower and discipline.

This doesn’t mean you should blame the environment or your external circumstances and relieve yourself of all responsibility. No matter what you may think or feel, you CHOSE the environment you are in so you are completely responsible for your actions. When you take total responsibility for your life, you give yourself the power you need to move forward.

So what now?

Well we’ve seen how our negative behaviors are linked to our environment. Let’s start putting this tendency to conform to our environment to work for us.

The best way for us to take advantage of this phenomenon is to:

Choose or Create a Better Environment

You've identified something in your environment that is causing your undesired behavior. My question to you is how will you change your environment to get the behaviors that you want?

Common environmental aspects that people can change:

• who you spend your time with
• what you read or watch
• where you live
• where you work
• how you organize your home or office
• the food in your fridge and pantry

I didn't choose my family. 

What a waste to throw away food.

I can't afford to leave my job.

I can't abandon my friends. We've been together since we were young. 

These are legitimate concerns.

So what if you can’t escape your environment?

First, there is no such thing as can’t. You probably don’t want to or don’t know how to.

Second, if you decide that you don’t want to leave your environment because it is doing something positive for you (i.e. a bad job still helps to pay the bills), then you may want to take these steps to plan your escape:

1. Recognize that you’re getting something positive out of your current environment even though it is causing a negative behavior
2. Find alternatives to meet that positive want or need
3. Make a plan to get out of that environment
4. Execute your plan and get out of that environment (you may find The Dreams to Reality Fieldbook helpful for the last 2 steps)

How do you use this method to escape toxic friends or family or both?

Here is an example:

1. What positives are you getting from your friends and family?

You enjoy being with other people and you feel good knowing there are people who look out for you. This is especially true for family members. You feel a sense of obligation to be loyal to your family and friends and you don't want to break that loyalty. Also, you just don't want to be alone. No matter what the reason, recognize and appreciate that you are benefiting from these relationships.

2. What are your options? How can you meet these positives in another way?

You can find new friends who possess the values you want to cultivate, spend less time with existing friends and family or learn to be more comfortable being alone by taking up new hobbies. You can also consider hanging out more with friends and family who are good influences on you.

3. Create a plan to get out of your current environment.

You decide that finding new friends and spending less time with toxic friends and family is a good option. Your plan may include:

• declining group events with toxic friends and family
• attending events or club meetings with people who you believe will have a positive influence on you
• staying away from places where you would run into toxic friends and family
• actively scheduling to meet with friends and family that you do want to see more of

4. Execute your plan

Take action immediately. Schedule to meet with friends next week. Research professional associations and clubs where you'll find like-minded people. Start declining group activities that you know will lead to negative behaviors (i.e. trip to the casino).

Despite knowing that you are heavily influenced by your environment, don’t make excuses for yourself.

Your life is what you make it.

"You're only a victim once. The next time you're an accomplice."

- Naomi Judd

The post Why Good People Do Bad Things appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Your project is put on hold and you notice your team in meetings without you.

You've seen this happen to other people who were laid off but you don't believe it will happen to you.

You ignore that sinking feeling because you've always done what you were suppose to do and have even gone above and beyond the call of duty.

And then it happens.

You get the call.

You go into the office (still in denial).

And you get the news ... along with the infamous cardboard box.

Feelings of betrayal and anger boil up just to be overcome by an overwhelming dread ...

It's never easy to lose your job and sometimes it is hard to decide what to do.

Recently I've had a few friends who have lost their jobs and all around me I've been hearing about layoffs.

The purpose of this article is to get people moving again.

Here is what you should do if you lose your job:

Take Responsibility

The last thing you want to do in this situation is feel like a victim. Take responsibility that you were let go because the company no longer needed what you had to offer. It is important to realize that you are not entitled to job security and no one owes you anything. If you felt undervalued, under-appreciated or under-utilized, it is of your own doing.

Who didn't speak up when they should have?

Who didn't volunteer for the new initiative? or

Who didn't meet with their manager to clarify performance criteria?

It was you.

Even if you were laid off because of economic or business conditions, consider why you or your department was let go and not other people. If your whole company went bankrupt, did all your competitors? If not, why not?

Only when you take responsibility can you learn from the situation and focus your energy in a resourceful and productive way. People who feel victimized waste their energy complaining and garnering pity. They feel that someone should come to their rescue or fix the situation. I'm sorry to tell you this but reinforcements are not on the way. You'll need to handle this on your own.

Let Go and Move On

You are not your result. The faster you understand this, the faster you will make a full recovery. Being laid off is something that happens to you not something you become. Learn from this "negative" experience, determine the actions you will take and move on. Don't make the one mistake people make when learning from their mistakes.

Accept that you were laid off and view this setback as opening doors for other opportunities (at least that's what Albert Einstein would do). Just because your current employer lets you go, doesn't mean other employers don't want to pick you up. Also, this may be the perfect chance for you to start that business you've always wanted. Start experimenting.

Job Search: Quality Over Quantity

You may be tempted to just update your résumé, connect with everyone on LinkedIn and begin sending out resumes for every job out there but that would be a big mistake. It would probably result in being thrown into another job that you're not too excited about, which results in mediocre performance and over time in getting laid off. It doesn't make sense to send out another résumé until you have a good idea about what you want to do (unless you need the money - then get any job to make ends meet and learn how to manage your finances better).

This is your chance to figure out what you want. In my Know What You Want Workshop, we emphasize the need to look within (your values, personality, transferable skills, interests, etc.) to figure out who you are, what you enjoy doing and identifying the jobs that fit you. If you want to figure it out on your own, I recommend that you pick up The Pathfinder by Nicholas Lore or What Color is Your Parachute by Richard Bolles or both and work through the exercises in these books before you start sending out resumes. My own experience has shown that looking within works and when you have a clear sense of what you want to do, it's easier for people to help you.

If you do know what you want to do, then begin to network (informational interviews work very well), build the skills that you want to use and market yourself. If you have a hard time selling yourself to prospective employees, read the How to Sell Series. You may also be interested in my book to help you create a viable plan to turn your dream job into reality.

Losing your job is never a fun experience but it can easily become a blessing in disguise if you take responsibility, let go and move on and conduct a QUALITY job search.

If you are feeling stuck or have any questions or advice for people who've lost their jobs, feel free to share it in the comments section.

The post What to Do When You Lose Your Job? appeared first on Embrace Possibility.