Have things. Be with people.

It sounds obvious. But when I look closely at how I live—how I treat my stuff, how I interact with others—I realize how often I get it backwards. If I'm not careful, I find myself trying to be with things and have people.

This reversal has led to a lot of unnecessary struggle.

Have Things

Things—tech, money, clothes, books, furniture—are meant to serve us. They exist to be controlled and used to meet a need or solve a problem. When your phone connects you, your jacket keeps you warm, or your calendar brings order to your week, it's doing its job.

But problems creep in when we ask things to meet our being needs—like feeling worthy, seen, or "enough."

We start collecting, upgrading, chasing—bigger houses, better titles, sleeker devices. And for a moment, it works. We get a hit of validation. But it fades.

Why? Because possessions were never designed to meet those deeper needs.

Psychologists like Abraham Maslow made this clear. Material things can meet survival needs (food and safety). But what about growth needs like purpose, connection, and esteem? Those come from how we live and relate.

When we try to meet growth needs through material things, we stay stuck. We don’t grow. We just accumulate.

Reflection:
Is there anything I’ve been buying or chasing lately that I hope will make me feel “enough”?

Be With People

Then there’s how we treat people.

We know we can’t “have” someone. But it’s easy to act like we can.

We want people—children, friends, partners, colleagues—to behave a certain way. Meet our expectations. Agree with us. We judge, manage, even try to fix them. We may not call it control, but often, that’s exactly what it is.

But people aren’t problems to solve. They’re mysteries to walk alongside.

Being with someone means offering presence—not control. It means letting go of trying to change them and instead paying attention to who they already are.

You allow room for them to grow, just like you want room for your own growth.

You listen more. You judge less. You get curious. And in that space, something profound happens: you both develop. Together.

Reflection:
Where in my relationships am I trying to fix or control instead of just being present?

Real Connection Starts Here

This shift—from having to being with—takes practice. But it leads to deeper satisfaction and richer relationships.

Here’s a small challenge you can try this week:

Pick one possession to use more consciously (e.g., your phone—use it as a tool, not a distraction).
And choose one relationship where you’ll show up with curiosity, not control. No fixing—just presence.

And maybe keep this phrase in your back pocket when things get confusing:

Have things. Be with people.
The first helps you function. The second helps you flourish.

Photo by Muhamad Iqbal Akbar

The post Have Things. Be With People. (The Simple Shift That Changes Everything) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

These promises are more than just words; they are practical commitments that can transform your life. Let's explore each promise and see how you can incorporate them into your daily routine for a more fulfilling life.

1. Promise yourself that you will talk health, happiness, and prosperity as often as possible.
2. Promise yourself to make all your friends know there is something in them that is special and that you value.
3. Promise to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best in yourself and others.
4. Promise to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
5. Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
6. Promise to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements in the future.
7. Promise to wear a cheerful appearance at all times and give every person you meet a smile.
8. Promise to give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
9. Promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit trouble to press on you.

These nine promises can serve as a checklist for your personal improvement. Focus on the promise that resonates most with you, and work to put that promise into action over the next few hours, days, or weeks. Whether it's embracing a positive mindset, celebrating others' successes, or building inner strength, each promise offers a path to greater happiness and fulfillment.

Which promise speaks most to you and why? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section.

Photo by Stephen Baker

The post John Wooden’s Nine Promises That Can Bring Happiness appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

• Because we know someone well, we know what they're thinking
• If they really knew us, they would totally get what we're hinting at
• They're not paying close enough attention and I shouldn't have to spell it out for them

These beliefs are under the faulty assumption that everyone's thought process is similar to our own. Take the silent treatment, for example. If that's your go-to move when you're angry, chances are when someone gives you the cold shoulder, you'll jump to the conclusion they're mad (even if they're just sorting through their feelings).

Sure, the longer you've known someone, the better you might understand their quirks and habits. Unfortunately, knowing someone like the back of your hand doesn't grant you superpowers to read their mind. Instead of playing the guessing game, just ask them what they are thinking or feeling and really listen to what they've got to say. When someone asks you what's going on with you, tell them instead of expecting them to know what you're thinking.

This tip can help reduce miscommunication and unnecessary drama.

Remember: No one can read minds 

For additional tips to build healthy relationships, check out this two-part series with Dr. John and Julie Gottman on the Happiness Lab podcast:

The post No one is a mind reader (Relationship Quick Tip #4) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

That's why I got excited when I read the poem below. It laid out a clear path for me to be a better friend. I'll let you read it first before I share my thoughts.

 

"What is a friend? I will tell you. 

It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.

Your soul can be naked with him. He seems to ask of you to put on nothing, only to be what you are.

He does not want you to be better, or worse.

When you are with him, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you.

He understands those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. 

With him you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities and, in opening them up to him, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of his loyalty. He understands.

You do not have to be careful. You can abuse him, neglect him, tolerate him. Best of all, you can keep still with him. It makes no matter. He likes you.

He is like fire that purges to the bone. He understands. He understands. You can weep with him, sin with him, laugh with him, pray with him.

Through it all—and underneath—he sees, knows and loves you. 

A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself."

- Unknown (maybe C Raymond Beran)

When I read this, it made me realize the different ways I was not being a great friend:

• Giving unsolicited advice
• Being careful with what I shared whether it was because I was embarrassed, or didn't want to burden my friend
• Commenting too quickly or judging what I heard or saw

At the same time, I'm grateful for my friends who put up with all of the above.

One way I will be a better friend is to accept what I hear and create space for my friends to be themselves. Listening without judgment and being more vulnerable will be my habits of focus. I'll also use my comfort level to be myself as a good gauge of who my good friends are and be more aware of the people who aren't able to accept me for who I am.

Do you have someone with whom you can dare to be yourself?

Are you someone that others can be themselves around?

What else can you do to be a good friend to those around you?

Photo by Surface

The post How to be a good friend appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

First and foremost, it's important to understand that regret is a natural part of the human experience. Research has shown that we tend to regret the things we didn't do more than the things we did do. This makes sense when you consider that, as humans, we are wired to seek out new experiences and take risks. When we don't take those risks, we can feel like we've missed out on something important.

If you're struggling with regret over something you did, the first step is to try to undo it or make amends. Apologizing and taking steps to repair the situation can be a powerful way to start the process of moving past your regret. If that's not possible, try reframing the situation. Instead of saying, "If only I didn't do..." use "At least..." and focus on how the situation didn't turn out worse or an unexpected positive outcome.

For example, let's say you regret picking a major in Chemistry in college. Instead of dwelling on the "if only" statements, try reframing them with an "at least" statement. "At least it's differentiated me from my peers in the training and coaching industry" or "At least I didn't go to grad school for chemistry."

A common source of regret is things left unsaid. We may wish we had spoken up in a certain situation, or that we had expressed our feelings more clearly to someone. In these cases, it's often possible to undo the regret by taking action. If we feel like we missed an opportunity to say something important, we can try to reach out to the person and express ourselves now.

Another powerful tool for dealing with regret is self-disclosure. Talking to someone you trust about your regret can be a great way to acknowledge and process your feelings. Alternatively, you can write about your regret in a private journal. This can help you gain perspective and move past the regret.

Self-compassion is another important tool for dealing with regret. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who was going through a difficult time. What would you say to them? Use those same words to comfort and support yourself. This can help normalize and neutralize your feelings of regret, making them feel less overwhelming.

Finally, it's important to learn from your regrets. What did you learn from the situation? What can you take away from it that will help you in the future? Regret can be a powerful teacher if you allow it to be. Reflect on your experience and use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future. When it comes to future decisions, we can try to anticipate regret by considering what our values and goals are. Research suggests that there are four core regrets that people tend to have: not building a solid foundation for the future, not taking sensible risks, not doing the right thing, and not connecting with others. By keeping these regrets in mind, we can try to make decisions that align with our values and minimize the likelihood of future regret.

Of course, the best way to deal with regret is to avoid it in the first place. This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some strategies you can use to help minimize the likelihood of regretting your decisions. Daniel Pink, in his book "The Power of Regret," suggests that we "satsifice" on most decisions, especially if we're not dealing with one of the four core regrets. Essentially, this means we should aim for good enough instead of perfect for decisions that won't have a huge impact on our lives.

On the other hand, for crucial decisions that fall under the four core regrets, we should maximize our efforts. Project yourself into the future and ask yourself what will help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others. This can help you make decisions that align with your values and decrease the chances of regret in the future.

Regret shows us what we care about and helps us grow. So don't beat yourself up too much about it. Acknowledge the regret, practice self-compassion, and use it as a learning experience for the future.

Photo by Kenny Eliason

The post Practical Tips for Dealing with Regret appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

To help you make the most out of the life ahead of you, Cornell Professor Dr. Karl Pillemer has compiled the practical advice of over 1500 people in their 70s and beyond on how to live a fulfilling life. Since these individuals have actually lived their life, they have a perspective that we don't have (Imagine if you could tell the younger you what you know now...)

Before covering Dr. Pillemer's 30 Lessons for Living, here is a preview of the advice common to almost all of the people interviewed:

• Happiness is a choice and not a result of how life treats you - life is "too short to waste on pessimism, boredom, and disillusionment." None of the interviewees associated happiness with "working as hard as you can to make money to buy whatever you want."
• When possible, take the plunge - say yes to opportunities because it'll enrich your life
• Pursue meaningful work that you look forward to every day
• Travel
• Don't go to bed angry
• Be honest with yourself and others
• Avoid judgment - let others, including yourself, live their life

The 30 lessons are organized into six major sections with five lessons for each section (this is a long post so feel free to skip around):

• Marriage or building deep relationships with your lifelong partner
• Pursuing a meaningful career
• Raising children
• Aging gracefully
• Living a life without regrets
• Being happy

Marriage or Building Deep Relationships with Your Lifelong Partner

1. Find a Partner Who Shares Your Core Values and Is Your Friend

The original advice in the book was "Marry Someone a Lot Like You." Since we can be similar in many ways to someone, yet have different values, the focus when finding a lifelong partner is to find alignment between your approaches to life. Note the emphasis on finding alignment as opposed to creating alignment. Often, it's easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we or the other person will convert to make the relationship work, but that's rarely the case. If you value saving money as a path to a good life, and the other person values spending money as a path to a good life, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle to make the relationship work. Recognize that to take this advice, you'll need to be clear about your own values (how to figure out your values).

2. Make Sure You're Friends

Are you good friends with your lifelong partner?

In addition to having similar core values, you also want someone you enjoy spending time with. Our friends are people we want to see because we like talking to them and can relax around them. The interviewees recommend that, when possible, you should marry your best friend (maybe being placed in the "friend zone" is not a bad thing. Now, if you're in the friend zone, consider sharing this article with your friend who you would like to be more than a friend)

3. Don't Keep Score

Great relationships are not transactional. Both sides are trying to contribute more to the relationship. In The 80/80 Marriage, husband-and-wife team Kaley and Nate Kemp recommends each partner focus on contributing 80% to building the best possible relationship. By focusing on increasing your own contributions, you will pay more attention to what else you can do as opposed to what else the other person should be doing.

Ask, "What can I do for my partner? How can I make my partner a little happier today?" as opposed to "Am I getting what I need from my partner?" Look for ways to give more than you can get. If you're truly friends (lesson #2), the other person will likely reciprocate. Doesn't hurt to keep one-upping each other in showing your love.

4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

To keep the relationship running smoothly, you'll need to be able to talk through conflict. You won't always agree with the other person, but if you can't talk through it, resentment builds. Although the advice is to talk to each other, a big part of defusing the situation is to listen to your partner and sincerely and clearly show that you're listening. That means acknowledging what you're hearing and playing back what you heard. Always let the other person have their say. One question that might help unknot a struggle is to ask, "Which one of us is this more important to?" Knowing this will make it easier for the other person to let it go (especially if you're focusing on advice #3).

5. Commit to the Promise You've Made to Each Other

Since I can remember, divorce rates seems to be trending up and getting steeper. There are positive reasons for separation such as people feeling empowered to leave relationships that are not working out freeing both parties to find better partners. At the same time, some of the interviewees suggest treating marriage, or the promise to stay together, as less of a "voluntary partnership" but as a "profound cultural arrangement" that should be entered into seriously both when deciding to marry and when deciding to part. This advice seems easier if you follow #1-4. One way to help you go the distance is to avoid going to bed angry - most disagreements "aren't worth more than a day's combat."

Pursuing a Meaningful Career

6. Choose a Career that You Enjoy, Not Just One That Makes You Money

When the interviewees looked in the rearview mirror after a long life, one thing that was clear is that "time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime." Look for a job, calling, career, whatever you want to call it, that makes you happy and sits at the intersection of what you love, what you're good at, and what serves others (so you can reap some form of financial reward - those bills don't pay themselves). Work that leads to personal growth, meaningful relationships, and contribution to the community will often result in a happier life. Since we spend much of our adult lives working, find work where the work itself fulfills you and you have a passion for it.

7.  Don't Give Up on Looking for a Job That Makes You Happy

It's likely that you read advice #6 and said, "That might work for some people, but that's just not feasible for me. Besides, I don't need to be happy at work. Work is work and play is play." Of course, you're entitled to choose whichever path you would like. See each piece of advice as something the future-you might tell the present-you.

If you're not finding your work meaningful or fulfilling, those who have gone ahead of you recommend that you don't stop trying to find a job you would really enjoy. Take a moment right now and think about whether you enjoyed going to work this past week/month. If not, what would you enjoy doing? Don't get hung up on feasibility for now - just brainstorm what jobs you would love to do or try. Consider taking the Know What You Want Workshop to help you figure it out (it's free if you're serious about completing it - just find the code at the bottom of this article on 30 Qualities of Highly Successful People).

The interviewees advise: "Don't be afraid to move around and try different things, no matter how old you are." Do give yourself a time limit to figure things out and understand that you'll often need to take a risk to make a move toward the job that makes you happy.

8. Make the Most of a Bad Job

As you're continuing to look for the job you love (#7) to be in a career that is intrinsically rewarding (#6), you may still need to put up with the job you have. To help you cope, focus on doing what you can to leverage your current job to help you refine what you want, what your capabilities are, and what's right for you. Learn as much as you can about yourself and pay attention to which work activities energize you and which drain you. Study what makes good bosses, colleagues, and businesses strong and what makes poor leaders, co-workers, and companies weak. No matter what job you're in, do it well so you continue to build your reputation, confidence, and competence.

9. Develop Emotional Intelligence

Your ability to work well with others is critical for your success. Whether you're inspiring others, gaining consensus, or building deep relationships, it's often the soft skills that propel you in your career, especially at the more senior levels. A linchpin to emotional intelligence is having and showing empathy. You will likely hit on the right approach if you keep in mind that others don't have the same goals, motivations, or beliefs as you do. You'll find yourself more accepting of others and slow in judging their way of working.

Cultivate the humility to recognize that almost always others will know more about their particular area than you do and the key to working well with others is to keep the focus on them and their needs. Rarely will people care about your goals and KPIs above their own. One piece of advice from the interviewees is to "take others seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously."

10. Prioritize Autonomy

Early in our lives, we have more time than we know what to do with so it's easy to give it away to others or to use it less sparingly. Many of us are very willing to trade in our time for money, which we need to live the life we want. As you'll see in advice #26, as we get older, time becomes our most precious resource, and we'll want to be more hesitant to trade time for money. It's easy to choose a career based on potential earnings, but it's a high cost if those earnings come at the expense of your independence (especially if you don't love what you do). Prioritize gaining more freedom from the job you have - to do so practically, you'll often need to be 1) excellent at your job, 2) living below your means, and 3) focused on valuing time over money.

Raising Children

11. Maximize the Quantity of Time Spent Together

When spending time with your children, quality AND quantity matter. Closeness in a relationship comes from being together. I learned this lesson firsthand going through the COVID-19 pandemic. By being at home more, I realized that my kids would open up to me, not when I asked them how their day went, but during random times when we were together taking a walk, watching a show, or drawing unicorns. It made me wonder how many of these moments I was missing when I was away either physically or mentally.

According to those who have lived a long life, your children "don’t want your money (or what your money buys) anywhere near as much as they want you. Specifically, they want you with them." In practice, this might mean indulging in the activities they want to do, as opposed to imposing what you want to do together as a family (I'm still trying to work on this!) If you're serious about building a relationship with your kids, measure the time you spend being present with your kids or other loved ones as a good way to gauge quality time. Be willing to sacrifice other commitments to have this shared time. A bonus for spending time with your kids is that you have a better sense of who they are, what they are going through, what they enjoy doing, and how they see the world.

12. Avoid Showing Favoritism

It's normal to have favorites - maybe your child shares common interests with you, or has a similar personality, but it's critical to never show favoritism to your children. Kids pick up on favorites - my older son recently accused us of favoring his younger brother because we have more of his brother's drawings up on the wall. We didn't even realize we were doing that since the real reason for the lopsided balance of wall art is that our younger son is constantly asking us to put his drawings on the wall. Be aware of your words and actions that may be interpreted or misinterpreted as favoring one child over another. One thing you can do to reduce this risk is to avoid comparing your kids. For more tips, check out Siblings Without Rivalry.

13. Don't Hit Your Kids

This might be a controversial piece of advice depending on where you're from and your cultural upbringing. As with all advice, do what will work for you. One question I've found helpful to ask myself when needing to discipline is, "Would I treat any other person the way I'm about to treat my child?" This is much harder to do when I'm hijacked by anger. I try to keep in mind the advice from the interviewees that "discipline should be very quiet and controlled, but kind," since they've seen the longer-term fall out of their actions.

Physical punishment may feel like it's solving the immediate problem, but it may teach your child lessons that you may not want them to learn such as "I need to do everything I can to please authority figures," "force wins when words don't," "it's ok to hurt others if they aren't doing what I want them to do." 20 years of research show that corporal punishment does more harm than good. According to the interviewees, hitting is a failure in parenting, and they believed "in firmness, in maintaining a clear moral compass, and in setting limits. But they are remarkably unified on the idea that corporal punishment of children is a disciplinary dead end that spoils the relationship, leaving emotional marks that last long after childhood."

14. Do Whatever You Can to Prevent Rifts

Interviewees who were estranged from their children strongly regretted losing the bond with their kids. Reflecting back on how heavily this rift weighed on them and the pain they felt as life went on, they recommend avoiding it at all costs. If you sense a rift is occurring, take the lead to act immediately to defuse it. This will often mean being the first to apologize or compromise. The longer you wait to mend a break the harder it becomes to reconcile. In some cases, it never blows over and you become separated forever. Although what you are fighting over may seem important at that moment, it's likely not worth severing the relationship you have with your child.

15.  Build a Lifelong Relationship with Your Children

It's easy as parents to focus on launching our children into adulthood. Although helping our children grow up to live the life they want is critical, you'll want to be a part of their lives. No matter their age, look for ways to help them feel welcome at home and be open to sharing things with you. A good way to do so is to be non-judgmental. No one wants to be nagged at, constantly be given advice, or told that they should be living their life another way (no matter how good your intentions might be). Enjoy their company and act in ways so they enjoy yours.

Aging Gracefully

16. Look Forward to Being Old (It's better than you think!)

In some cultures, being an elder is revered and respected. In others, it can feel more like a looming expiration date of one's relevance. What is inevitable is that we will get older and if we're lucky, we'll become very old. Those who are squarely in that camp right now advise us to not waste time worrying about aging. They highlight how being old comes with a "sense of calm and easiness in daily life" where you can do whatever you want. You're no longer shackled by the expectations or responsibilities you might feel earlier in life (or maybe you just care less). That sounds like something to look forward to!

17. Act Now like You Will Need Your Body for a Hundred Years

Many of the interviewees highlight the importance of taking care of your body now. They emphasize that "it's not dying you should worry about it - it's chronic disease." Often the result of poor health decisions is not an early death, but decades of suffering for you and those who need to take care of you. When deciding today whether to eat right or exercise, understand that your health choices and habits accumulate. The focus is not on how long you will live, but on how you are going to live. Hopefully, this advice will give you pause when you hear yourself justifying a poor life choice with the excuse, "So what? We all have to die sometime." For some guidance, check out this free healthy living guide from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

18. Don't Fret About Dying

Those who are closest to the end of their lives find themselves worrying less about dying. They found that they end up falling into "a mix of interest, curiosity, and acceptance." If those who need to worry most about dying aren't doing so, why should you?

19. Actively Stay Connected to Others

As you become older, it's natural for your social circles to shrink. People you know may have moved away or passed away. You're becoming less mobile. You're no longer in natural social settings like work, school events, etc. Actively fight against isolation by involving yourself in social networks that all you to stay connected to others. One tip shared by a number of interviewees is to take advantage of classes and other learning opportunities. You get to meet new people who have a common interest and see them on a regular basis. For the introverts out there, you don't need to attend big social gatherings, but do push yourself to meet new people. For some ideas, check out The Introvert's Guide to Social Engagement (Harvard Health).

20. Plan Ahead on Where You'll Live and Share Your Post-Life Wishes

As you get older, you'll want to choose a place to live that will help you stay connected to the people you want to be with. A number of the interviewees commented on their move to a senior living community as one of the best decisions of their lives since it allows them to meet new people and "have a life." You'll also want to accept and adapt to your changing physical abilities and situation and select activities that fit the current-you. That might mean switching from breakdancing to swimming, or hiking less ambitious trails because the view may not be worth the risk of injury. As part of your planning, think about the decisions that others may need to make about you when you pass. To prevent arguments or speculation amongst your loved ones, state clearly what you want in writing.

Living a Life Without Regrets

21. Be Honest

Almost all the interviewees cited honesty as one of the major values and principles to live by. The longer you're alive the more you'll see the importance of integrity and trust. Dishonesty creates pressure and stress for you - keeping the facts straight, living with the fear of being found out, or dealing with the short- and long-term implications of a tarnished reputation. Living honestly seems to be the easier road to travel (even though it often feels like the harder one to take).

22. Say Yes to Opportunities

We can unknowingly limit ourselves because we're only aware of the things we've done and completely oblivious to what we could potentially do. To help you live life to the fullest, the elders interviewed in this book recommend saying yes to opportunities that come your way "unless you've got a really solid reason to say no." By being open to new ventures and experiences, you learn more about yourself to make even better decisions in the future. Move to a new country. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Do the thing you've been putting off until the right time. The interviewees who took a risk in their careers often look back with the most satisfaction in their work lives. Don't ask "why?" Ask "why not?"

23. Travel More

Rarely do people regret traveling too much. No matter how much traveling the interviewees did, most of them wished they had traveled more. As we get older, we may not be able to travel to as many places, so the elders recommend younger people to travel now while they have the time, physical ability, and freedom to do so. Because of the many benefits of traveling, prioritize it over other things you may spend money on. Travel will challenge you, broaden your horizons, and help you learn about yourself. Start by listing the places you want to go and book a trip today. You'll likely not regret that decision.

24. Select a Lifelong Mate with Extreme Care

There are three common scenarios that the interviewees highlight as potentially disastrous when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner:

1. "Fall passionately in love and commit immediately
2. Commit out of desperation that no one better will come along
3. Drift or fall into marriage without the choice or the reasons ever becoming clear"

Their core advice is to hit pause and think through this important decision. Don't rush because marrying the wrong person can be extremely painful. Take time to know the other person well (which isn't easy early in a relationship when everyone is putting their best foot forward). Observe the little things that may give you hints about who they are deep down and ask yourself whether it's something you can accept. Remember to look for similar core values (#1) and strong friendship (#2) as well to help you choose a mate that can bring you lifelong happiness. A good question to ask: "Is this the person you want by your side as you face tough life challenges?"

25. Say It Now

Countless movies have been made about the regret of leaving things unsaid. If there is something meaningful you want to say to someone, don't wait. Do it now. This might be telling someone how much you love them or apologizing to mend a relationship where you don't even remember what you were fighting about. Look to clear the air.

One piece of advice that stuck with me was, "Send flowers to the living. The dead never see them." You may also want to think about the questions you want to know especially from your aging parents - where did they come from, what were you like as a child, and what advice might they give on living a good life? You'll see at the end of this article a list of questions to ask the elders in your life.

Being Happy

26. Value Time Over Everything

Life is truly short and no group knows this better than the one interviewed for this book. Despite all the years they've been alive, the oldest folks in the group were the most surprised by how fast time has gone. Their advice is to seriously recognize how limited time really is and to purposefully decide how to take advantage of each day. They see each day as a gift and with an "unharvested abundance of pleasure, enjoyment, love, and beauty that many younger people miss."

To keep you from squandering the day you're given, purposefully use your life minutes. What is it that you want to do right now with your time? Be extra sensitive to phrases like, "I'll do [desired activity] when [future time or event occurs]," or "I can't wait until [insert positive result or event]" because that day may never come. Don't put things off that you've been wanting to do, learn, say, experience. Shift the focus from what is going to happen to what's happening now. Be more "lavish" with the present time because it's the only time you have. I've been guilty of saving a nice bottle of champagne until it goes bad or sparingly using expensive accessories for special occasions. We can't get back the days that passed, but we can make the most of the days ahead.

One idea that really stuck out for me from the interviews is to "skip the funerals and see your friends now." Here is what one interviewee shared:

"We’ve told most of our close friends: We’re not going to show up at their funerals because we can’t stand funerals. But we are going to show up at any party or happy thing they invite us to."

What a wonderful idea!

27. Choose Happiness on a Daily Basis

The interviewees strongly recommend taking responsibility for your own happiness and seeing happiness as a choice you make, and not a result of your current condition. If you find yourself in a situation you don't like, initiate change to move away from that. Although you won't be able to control what happens to you, you can choose your attitude and reactions to them. Feelings like anger, fear, disappointment, annoyance, and resentment are created from our thoughts and expectations even though we'll find it more convenient to blame others for causing those feelings. When you feel negative emotions, think about where it comes from and the story you're telling yourself. Then accept it, and let it go. You're in charge of your life - don't let outside forces impact how you feel and what you decide to do.

One way to choose happiness on a daily basis is to make happiness unconditional ("I'm happy in spite of ...") as opposed to conditional ("I'm happy if only ..."). Often when our happiness is dependent on something external, it's short-lived (even when you win the lottery). In the words of one of the interviewers, "Decide not to feel sorry for yourself - get up and do what you have to do to be happy. " 

28. Don't Waste Time Worrying

Time is limited and if you're squandering it worrying, you're not spending it living. Trust that it'll work out. Worrying, on its own, doesn't solve or help with anything. Not only will it not make a difference, but it'll also likely put you in a negative state. To help you gain back some time, recognize when you're worrying and re-purpose that time for something you want to do with your life - hit the gym, learn a language, travel, or spend time with people you enjoy spending time with.

Even when you have a reason to worry, don't spend your time ruminating about the potential negative outcome. If you're afraid of something, do what is in your power to prepare and plan for it instead of wasting energy worrying about it. Once you take action to mitigate what you think might happen, don't think about it anymore.

There's rarely a good reason or excuse to worry for the sake of worrying, but if you find yourself stuck in a worrying rut, which can happen, focus on the short term (the day, hour, or minute that you're in right now) as opposed to the long term implications of what you're worried about. Here is an interviewee's reflection that might help,

"I’ve learned a lot about life and nothing bothers me anymore. And it gets to be so, and it’s just the way it is. Acceptance, yes. If you don’t accept it, you go down the drain. Be calm, go with the flow. People worry about dying, about everything."

29. Savor the Little Things in Life

As we live life, it's easy to focus on the milestone moments of our lives - our birthday, our graduation, our wedding, our big promotion, our new house. Those events are worth celebrating, but often we might be missing opportunities to savor the micro-delights that occur daily in our lives - a smile from our child, the beautiful weather, a good swim, a funny text exchange. By noticing the little things in life that bring us joy, we are increasing our own happiness on a daily basis, which is important especially since we're not guaranteed the future. Find the daily treasures in your life. If you're looking for it, you'll find it. As someone who is often too future-oriented, I set a reminder to think about a daily delight at noon each day. It draws my attention to something positive and sets a great tone for the second half of the day.

30. Have Faith

Believe in something beyond you - this might be a religion, philosophy, or credo. Look for ways to be a part of a community and to have a spiritual practice that you can do with others. The interviewees have found faith helpful to place suffering in context and a belief in a higher power often focuses us to care not only for ourselves but others as well. One common refrain amongst the world's religions is the idea of the golden rule:

"Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." 

The golden rule works because to follow it, you'll need to empathize with other people and understand their perspectives and how they might feel about your actions. Being kind, showing compassion, lending a helping hand, and treating others with respect are some of the natural behaviors of following this time-tested rule.

So, you've made it to the end of this list! Hopefully, this list will help you make the most of the minutes ahead of you. We'll wrap with this final thought from one of the interviewees:

"I have had to live simply but eventually I realized that it is the best way for me to live. To know what is enough, not to use more than my share of the earth’s resources, to recognize the difference between wants and needs, to enjoy the pleasure of making something broken of use again, and learning to appreciate simple pleasures has made my life more satisfying and less worrisome. Happiness does not depend on how much we have but is based on personal success of skills and artistry, a sense of humor, the acquisition of knowledge, the refinement of character, the expression of gratitude, the satisfaction of helping others, the pleasure of friends, the comfort of family, and the joy of love."

Feel free to share this article with those who you think might benefit. Please share any life lessons you've learned that you might share with a younger you.

You can find a searchable directory of advice at The Legacy Project.

Questions to Ask the Elders in Your Life

If you have elders in your life that you would like to interview, here are ten questions Pillemer recommends:

1. What are some of the most important lessons you feel you have learned over the course of your life? If the person has difficulty getting started, try this follow-up question: If a young person asked you, “What have you learned in your X years in this world,” what would you tell him or her?

2. What kinds of advice would you have about getting and staying married? Follow-ups: What’s the secret of a long marriage? What mistakes should young people avoid regarding getting and staying married? What advice would you have for a younger couple thinking of calling it quits?

3. What kinds of advice do you have about raising children? Follow-ups: What mistakes should people avoid in child rearing?

4. Do you have any advice you can share about finding fulfilling work and how to succeed in a career?

5. Some people say that they have had difficult or stressful experiences but they have learned important lessons from them. Is that true for you? Can you give examples of what you learned?

6. As you look back over your life, do you see any “turning points”; that is, a key event or experience that changed the course of your life or set you on a different track? Follow-ups: What are some of the important choices or decisions you made that you have learned from?

7. What would you say you know now about living a happy and successful life that you didn’t know when you were twenty?

8. What would you say are the major values or principles that you live by?

9. Have you learned any lessons regarding staying in good health?

10. What advice would you give to people about growing older?

Photo by Peter Conlan

The post 30 Life Lessons from Over a Thousand People Who Have Lived a Full Life appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

If so, how do you know?

Don't worry if you're unsure - you're not alone. Happiness can be difficult to pin down. Are we happy or not? Is happiness an end state or an in-the-moment feeling? Is it both?

On top of all that, and more importantly, if we want to be happy, how do we get there?

Is it about smiling more? Making enough money to retire? Gaining recognition from our boss or peers? Trying one of these 10 ways to be happier when you're just fine?

No matter how happy you feel right now, you can be happier by recognizing and taking the three roads to happiness as described in Springboard: Launching Your Personal Search for Success. According to the University of Pennsylvania Professor Richard Shell, people use "happiness" to describe the following three things:

1. Momentary Happiness

These are the immediate moments of positive emotions - pleasure, satisfaction, contentment, or fun.

You can increase this type of happiness by slowing down and paying attention to your current experience - savoring the food you're eating, hugging a loved one, or feeling grateful for being able to read these words (which means you have good vision, and access to a computer, internet, and education). Try mindfulness meditation to help you pay more attention to the present moment. You might also consider managing your expectations, so you increase your chances of positive surprises and lower the chances of being disappointed.

What's one specific example of momentary happiness that you've experienced?

2. Overall Happiness

This is your overall judgment about how things have gone for you so far (past) or how things will go for you in the future. You're usually assessing your happiness over a block of time (how happy were you in your childhood, your last job, your first relationship, your college days, etc.)

You can increase this type of happiness by:

• Making health a key priority: start eating better, sleeping amply, and exercising regularly.
• Achieving some long-term goals: reflect on a goal you're proud of or pursue a goal you've wanted to achieve - write that novel, start that business, get that degree, live in that country, have those kids, or whatever else you might be putting off
• Investing in relationships: Spend time with people you enjoy and love and who love you. If needed, mend rifts with the important people in your life.
• Making enough money: Attain financial independence so you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Money alone may not lead to happiness, but financial resources are important for you to have autonomy over how you spend your time. Hopefully, you'll be spending that time with the people you love.

What's one specific example of overall happiness that you've experienced?

3. Deep Happiness

This is the feeling you get when you're experiencing flow, flourishing, or a sense of deep joy, connection, and meaning with those around you. Professor Shell draws parallels between deep happiness and the Hebrew word "simcha," defined by one of his interviewees as "the experience of the soul that comes when you are doing what you should be doing."

To increase deep happiness, find a way to serve a purpose higher than yourself. NYU's Jonathan Haidt suggests in The Happiness Hypothesis, that deep happiness comes from striving for "the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself." You get to define what is right.

What's one specific example of deep happiness that you've experienced? (answering this question may give you more insight into your definition of meaningful)

Hopefully, by recognizing the different ways you can experience happiness, you can identify concrete ways to live a happier life. Take a moment this week and assess whether your daily activities are helping you be happy. Which type of happiness do you want to prioritize? What might be something on this list that you can try during the coming week?

Please share any practices or behaviors that have helped you increase your Momentary, Overall, or Deep happiness in the comments section below.

If you want to dive deeper and figure out how to define success for yourself, consider taking Professor Shell's Success course on Coursera (free to audit). You can find other free courses along with our recommended reading on happiness and well-being on our recommendations page.

Photo by Stan B

The post The Three Roads to Happiness (or 3 Ways to Be Happier Throughout Your Lifetime) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

"Stop letting it bother you. Why don't you let it go."

"Let it go, it'll feel better."

If only it were that easy. Often, we hear this well-meaning advice precisely with feelings that we're finding impossible to let go of or even to stop thinking about.
According to Dr. David Hawkins, author of Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, letting go is difficult because:

"part of ourselves is attached to the familiar, no matter how painful or inefficient it is. It may seem bizarre, but our self with a small “s” actually enjoys an impoverished life and all the negativity that goes with it: feeling unworthy, being invalidated, judging others and ourselves, being inflated, always “winning” and being “right,” grieving the past, fearing the future, nursing our wounds, craving assurance, and seeking love instead of giving it."

There is a benefit for us to hold on to negative feelings (or else we wouldn't be doing it). If we were to let go of them, we may no longer be "at the mercy of the world" or the victim. We'll no longer have any excuses to lean on or anyone else to blame. We become responsible for what is happening to us and how our lives have turned out. Harsh or Empowering?

For many of us, it's easy to suppress (consciously) or repress (unconsciously) our feelings especially when we feel fear, guilt, or shame around those feelings. Unfortunately, the emotions we push down end up resurfacing in different ways - ultra-sensitivity to what people say, misperception of what people are trying to do, or increasing stress that others will find out about our feelings. We are better off facing, expressing, and letting go of our feelings so we can neutralize and release them.

Here is how to actually let go:

Step 1: Feel the feeling and avoid the thoughts

Allow yourself to "have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it, or moralizing about it." I used to think the goal was to be aware of the feeling and then do the work to "address" it. Whether it's telling myself I shouldn't be feeling that way, or trying to ignore it altogether, I would often miss this important first step to just feel the feeling. I now realize that resisting the feeling is what keeps it going. A nuanced, yet important element is to focus on the feeling itself, not the thoughts that the feelings generated.

For example, if I was feeling indignant about a comment made during a meeting, I should accept that I'm feeling indignant and focus on how that feels. Am I breathing in a more shallow way? Am I clenching my jaw? What I want to avoid ruminating about are the thoughts that easily follow my feelings, "What did she mean by that? I bet she is making me look bad, so she can get that promotion." Thoughts arise when you try to explain or rationalize your inner feelings. Just because your thoughts are believable, it doesn't make them true.

Summary: Accept that you're annoyed and focus on how annoyance shows up for you. Resist the urge to think about what's causing your annoyance and other people's intentions.

Step 2: Stay with the feeling and let it run its course without taking action

As you continue to feel the feeling, other emotions may arise about how the situation is going. Keep the same process and allow those feelings to arise. Don't dismiss the feeling or put it aside. Stay with it. Keep asking yourself what's happening in the present moment (reality) as opposed to what the other person's intentions were (blind speculation). The gamechanger for me was to realize that emotions are like balloons filled with air. If you keep letting the air out by feeling the feeling, it'll eventually run out of air. If you suppress the feeling, it's like blowing air into the balloon until it one day pops. Sometimes letting go of one feeling causes another one to arise. Repeat the process of letting go of subsequent negative feelings. For example, as the feeling of being indignant passes and my jaw unclenches, I begin to feel frustrated in the form of pressure in my sternum and shallow breathing. Continue to focus on the feeling as opposed to thinking about why you're frustrated ("I'm going to let this person get away with bad behavior.")

Feeling, thinking, and acting are different even though they are tightly related. Feeling leads to thinking and acting. Thinking can lead to feelings and actions. Actions can lead to feelings and thinking. To let a feeling run its course, feel without thinking or taking action. Just observe. You may want to be curious about what positive outcome the feeling is creating for you. For example, feeling indignant may garner sympathy for others or justify your unruly behavior.

Summary: Feel your annoyance without expressing your annoyance. If you have to think, figure out what benefit this feeling might be giving you.

Step 3: Express positive feelings and surrender negative ones

In most cases, you may not need to take action at all, but if you wanted to act in a situation where you're feeling a negative emotion, consider the opposing positive emotion and act in accordance with that emotion. For example, if I'm feeling indignant about the situation, my most likely behavior is to challenge the people or the ideas that are being brought up. Instead, if I allow the emotion to pass, I can consider the opposing positive emotion of indignant, which is content. If I were content, I might act to support what was being said, as opposed to undermining it. Not only have I let go of being indignant, but I have also let go of my resistance to being content. When we hold on to negative emotions, we don't realize that we're crowding out the positive ones that we want to fill our lives. Let the surrendering of a negative emotion remind you of the positive emotion you could be expressing.

To let go means allowing ourselves to experience the feeling without changing it even if the feeling is not a positive one. Don't deny what's there. When you accept that you have both positive and negative emotions, you began to accept not only your own humanness but those of others. Our willingness to face down our own jealousy knowing that it will pass helps us have compassion for those around us who may feel passing jealousy and are dealing with it at the moment. It's the feeling that we repress or suppress, that we "punish" others for. Not because they should be punished, but that's how we signal that we are holding down this emotion within us. Be curious about the feelings that you have trouble surrendering. What positive outcome does that feeling create for you?

Summary: Once you've let your annoyance run its course without acting on it, think about the opposing positive emotion and act on that emotion. The opposite of being annoyed is being pleased. If you step into the feeling of being pleased, you may express gratitude or smile.

Now, I'm not advocating that you thank the person that is annoying you (although you could). We often carry the negative emotion with us well beyond the situation that triggered the negative emotion, which is why we have trouble letting it go. The switch to expressing the opposite positive emotion happens only after you let go of the negative emotion. This is not easy to do, and I'm still struggling, but I found feeling the negative feeling to let go of it and expressing the opposite positive feeling a good way to complete the cycle of letting go.

"Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind."

"Let go of anticipating the next moment, trying to control it, trying to hang on to the moment that has just passed. Let go clinging to what has just occurred. Let go trying to control what you think is about to occur."

Feelings are transitory. You are not your feelings. Like beach waves, feelings come and go, and you are merely seeing them come in. You just happen to be close enough that you feel it each time those waves wash ashore. Accept the feelings you don't think you should be having or are still here - let them come and go. Don't judge the feeling - learn from it. Since each emotion is serving you in some way, figure out what the emotion is doing for you. Ask yourself, "What am I getting [emotion] for?" Usually, emotion is helping us address a fear or to achieve happiness.

For example, "What am I getting angry at my kids for?"

Answer: "To prevent them from growing up to be spoiled brats." or "To justify to other parents that I'm a good parent."  

To let go in this example, I'll focus on how anger manifests for me - shallow breathing through the nose and furrowed brow. I'll do my best not to express anger (raising my voice or or saying something I'll regret). Once the anger passes, I'll consider acting on the opposing positive emotion (calm and delight) and ask my kids, "What happened" in a neutral voice. (As I mentioned earlier, easier said than done, but this approach will likely better achieve my ultimate goal of building a long-lasting relationship with them.)

You know you're doing this well when you don't find yourself taking action based on strong emotion. "It's okay if it happens, and it's okay if it doesn't"

To make letting go easier, Hawkins suggests we let go of some commonly held beliefs:

1. We only deserve things through hard work, struggle, sacrifice, and effort (instead of judging who is deserving, just do you)
2. Suffering is beneficial and good for us (instead of sacrificing and suffering, focus on not resisting positive feelings)
3. We don’t get anything for nothing (instead of fighting for everything, try receiving it)
4. Things that are very simple aren’t worth much (instead of discarding the simple, find as many simple solutions that work to make your life easier)
5. We could have done something differently in the past (instead of beating yourself up, recognize that you did what you thought was best to do at the time)
6. People should repay us for the things we do for them (instead of getting angry when they don't. see it as your generosity to them)
7. The way to get a thing is to want it (Instead of keeping the pressure on for fear of losing something, see pressure as the very thing that pushes what you want away. Losing patience is a form of pressure.)

Reflect on this powerful thought by David Hawkins (Letting Go):

"We could take the same protective actions out of love rather than out of fear. Can we not care for our bodies because we appreciate and value them, rather than out of fear of disease and dying? Can we not be of service to others in our life out of love, rather than out of fear of losing them? Can we not be polite and courteous to strangers because we care for our fellow human beings, rather than because we fear losing their good opinion of us? Can we not do a good job because we care about the quality of our performance and we care about our fellow workers? Can we not perform our job well because we care about the recipients of our services, rather than just the fear of losing our jobs or pursuing our own ambition?"

What do you want to let go of today?

Photo by Brett Jordan

The post How to Actually Let Go appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Take a moment right now, and think of an important relationship for you. Maybe it's one of your children, a co-worker, or a close friend. Now write down any expectations you might have of that person. For those of you who wrote something down, consider letting go of those expectations and see how that relationship goes.

Instead of expectations, which are typically decided by one side and rarely communicated to the other side, consider shared goals and commitments, which require communication and agreement from both sides. A relationship starts when two people or groups make a commitment to each other (first date). The relationship continues if both sides are satisfied with how the last commitment was fulfilled (second and third date). Relationships deepen as people escalate their commitments to each other (vacationing together, meeting the parents, getting married, having kids).

To enhance your personal and professional relationships: Expect less, commit more. 

The post Expect Less (Relationship Quick Tip #3) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Acknowledge the positive contribution they are making in your life and make them feel heard

It's often easier for the other person to leave you alone, but for some important reason, they feel compelled to keep coming at you even at the expense of you ignoring, dismissing, or arguing with them. If you take the time to acknowledge their value, you'll find that they'll stop nagging or repeating themselves, because you show that you've heard them.

For example, if your parent or spouse nags you about your life choices (there are so many), instead of the typical response, "I know what I'm doing."

Try, "Thank you for looking out for me. I can see your point about [repeat specifically what you're hearing from them]. What else may I have missed?"

Once they say, "That's right," then you know you've done a good job making them feel heard. Of course, they will also be looking at your actions to see if you really "heard" them, so if you don't agree, you will want to share that with them as well, so they don't walk away thinking that you agree with what they've told you and will now do what they suggest. What's nice about making sure the other person feels heard is that they are that much more open to hearing what you have to say.

Of course, if someone continues to nag despite feeling heard, you may have outgrown the relationship or they may just be a snob.

Good luck and may there be less nagging and more listening in all of our lives!

The post Got Nagged? (Relationship Quick Tip #2) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.