And the more I thought about it, the more I realized this isn’t just about aging. It happens in parenting, in leadership, and even in our own personal development. The things we do to protect ourselves and others—avoiding risks, stepping in to help, making things easier—often have unintended consequences. Here’s what I’ve learned about when helping actually hurts.

1. Protecting the Body Can Weaken It

As people get older, they often cut back on physical activity to avoid injuries. On the surface, this makes sense—less movement means fewer chances to fall or strain a muscle. But this avoidance accelerates muscle loss, weakens bones, and reduces balance, making the body even more fragile and prone to injury.

One common example is the decision to move into a home without stairs. While this may reduce the immediate risk of falling, it also removes a built-in way to maintain strength, balance, and mobility. Over time, reduced activity leads to even greater physical decline, making everyday tasks harder and increasing long-term dependence on others.

But aging doesn’t have to mean physical decline. Dr. Keith Baar, a leading researcher in muscle and tendon adaptation, explains how strategic exercise can extend not only how long we live, but how long we stay active and independent. He shares eye-opening, research-backed strategies in the video below that may change the way you structure your workouts:

Instead of avoiding movement, the key is intentional movement—strength training, balance exercises, and mobility work to keep the body resilient. The real risk isn’t moving too much—it’s moving too little.

2. Overhelping Others Steals Their Growth

Parents often do too much for their kids, stepping in to “help” when they struggle. But doing their assignments, fixing their mistakes, and making things easier sends the message that they can’t do it themselves. The short-term win of a better grade or faster solution leads to long-term dependence.

In my work helping parents support their kids, I often remind them: Don’t do your child’s push-ups for them. Just like you can’t do pushups for someone else and expect them to get stronger, you can’t do your child’s homework and expect them to develop real competence. The only way they build confidence and capability is by struggling through the challenge themselves.

Likewise, in the workplace, redoing a colleague’s work might seem like the fastest way to keep things moving, but it prevents them from improving—and it makes you the bottleneck. When people don’t fully own their work, they may start expecting you to step in and fix things, leading them to put in less effort. Instead of striving for excellence, they default to good enough, knowing someone else will catch the mistakes. This creates a cycle where they never fully develop, and you end up carrying more responsibility than you should.

3. Playing It Safe at Work Limits Your Growth

At work, many people stick to tasks they already know they can do well. They avoid taking on unfamiliar projects, leading new initiatives, or pushing for a promotion—not because they’re incapable, but because they fear failure or embarrassment. Yet avoiding risk doesn’t keep you safe; it keeps you stuck.

One of the biggest mistakes professionals make is waiting for the “right” time to take risks in their careers. But as Carla Harris, Vice Chairman of Morgan Stanley Wealth Management, explains below, growth happens when you step up before you feel fully ready. The best opportunities don’t come when you’re 100% prepared—they come when you’re willing to bet on yourself.

One way professionals unintentionally hold themselves back is by refusing to delegate. Many believe, It’s faster if I just do it myself, but this thinking keeps them trapped in routine work rather than focusing on higher-level projects that would advance their careers. Delegation isn’t just about efficiency—it’s about creating the space to work on what truly moves the needle.

How This Applies to You

At the heart of these examples is a simple truth: Growth requires discomfort.

• Muscles grow when they are pushed beyond comfort.
• Kids become independent when they struggle and figure things out.
• Professionals advance when they take risks and own their work.

If you want to improve yourself (and help others do the same), resist the urge to overprotect, overhelp, or over-control. Instead, ask:

👉 Where am I avoiding discomfort in a way that’s holding me back?
👉 Am I stepping in because it’s truly best for them, or because it’s easier for me?
👉 Am I prioritizing short-term ease over long-term growth?

Real progress happens when we let go of the safety nets that keep us stuck. The next time you’re tempted to take the easier route, consider whether it’s actually keeping you (or someone else) from getting stronger. If you want to go fast, take the easy path. But if you want to go far, embrace the challenge.

Photo by Claudio Schwarz

The post The Unintended Consequences of Overprotection: When Helping Hurts appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

The Now and Laters tasted fantastic, lasted a long time, and helped to solidify friendships. I couldn't ask for a better deal. Fast forward 30 years and two root canals and an embarrassing amount of fillings later, I realize the short-term satisfaction was not worth it. The bigger issue is being blind to these consequences at the time of the decision. This means there is a good chance I'm doing something now that I'll probably regret later.

The present-day equivalent of Now and Laters for me is sleep. The project or activity I'm engaged in at night always seems more interesting than sleep so I stay up late. The next morning, feeling fatigued and unfocused, I would vow to get to bed early just to repeat the unhealthy cycle. This doesn't even account for the serious implications of a large sleep deficit.

In Dollars and Sense by Jeff Kreisler and Dan Ariely, they share research showing that "now" tempts us more than "later". Their insight is that people make decisions emotionally in the present moment and rationally in the future.

They show this phenomenon in the explanation for why people continue to text and drive. Three "now-focused" factors that cause this negative behavior are the:

• Inability to delay gratification (Pleasure of engaging with friends - looks like we haven't come that far from the marshmallow experiment)
• Uncertainty that the bad outcome will occur ("What are the chances? Tons of people text and drive.")
• Overconfidence in the ability to avoid death ("I have my eye on the road and I'm not going that fast.")

The same three elements apply to most if not all temptations. I don't get enough sleep because:

• "It's hard to say no to a good conversation or finishing a project." (unable to delay gratification)
• "Bill Clinton only sleeps 3-4 hours and he was President." (uncertainty of bad outcome)
• "With a few cups of coffee, I'll do just fine." (Overconfidence in own ability)

It's easy to find ourselves justifying our "undesired" behaviors as opposed to controlling them. Take a temptation you're struggling with and reflect on how these three factors come into play.

To resist temptation, shift the focus from "now" until "later" by leveraging these three practical tips:

Acknowledge your incompetency to resist temptations

When you grasp that you're more likely to lose when you come face to face with temptation, the natural course of action is to prevent the situation. In the driving and texting example, you might want to leave your phone in the glove compartment or somewhere out of reach. To help me resist staying up late, I try to opt out of drinks after dinner or avoid beginning a passion project after 10 pm.

Avoid decision-making when "under the influence"

We make poor decisions when we are impaired by strong emotions and desires, alcohol, fatigue, stress and distractions. To resist temptations, monitor your emotions and be vigilant if you're not well-rested, calm, and under control. When you're being emotionally hijacked in the "now", avoid making decisions or use pre-determined rules. In Nudge by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, they recommend creating such rules when you're unemotional and calm so when you are "under the influence", you can simply follow your rule without the internal debate. When it comes to getting more sleep, my rule is to head to the bedroom by 11 pm.

Magnify the "upcoming pain" now

Ask yourself, "What will happen if the negative outcome of my behavior is guaranteed?"

If you weren't able to avoid or stop the bad consequences of your actions, what repercussions would they have on your goals, relationships, health, finances, etc? You are the steward for your future self. Vividly envisioning your future pain will help temper the excitement of the present temptation.

When I applied this third tip to my challenge around sleep, I thought about how my lifespan might be shortened so I wouldn't be able to see my kids flourish as adults. I also considered how my performance at work could be so much better and how not sleeping enough is slowing down my progress. Just thinking about these negative outcomes again is already making me want to get to bed earlier.

It's not easy to resist temptations because of the way we're wired. At the same time, if we understand what drives our behaviors, we can use that knowledge to drive the results we want to achieve in life.

The post 3 Tips to Resist the Temptation of Bad Habits – The Influence of Now and Later appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Then, like clockwork, life gets in the way.

Work gets too busy, you get injured or kids come into your life and your routine goes out the window.

When this cycle keeps repeating itself, it's easy to give up on getting back in shape. Why bother going to the gym if you end up stopping in a few months? Why cut out carbs if you're just going to make exceptions for the holidays?

If you're reading this article, you probably don't want to give up. You understand that if you don't take care of your body, bad things WILL happen. Our health is directly related to what we eat, how much we sleep and how active we are. These elements also help manage our mental health as well.

The best way to get back into shape is to immediately restart your routine. Don't overthink it, just do it. To re-ignite a workout that's motivating, follow these steps:

1. Choose a measurable exercise method and schedule that's so easy and convenient for you that you won't have an excuse to say no (example: 2 push-ups a day)
2. Schedule this exercise on your calendar or tie it to a specific trigger (example: I will do this workout right after I wake up in the morning)
3. Track your progress every time (you can use apps like Momentum)
4. Increase the intensity of the exercise every week (example: next week, I'll do 3 push ups)
5. Continue for 3 months and then choose another exercise regime that's appropriate for your enhanced level of fitness

The most important part is to get started again. What will keep you motivated is knowing that you're making progress so don't forget to measure your progress. In the beginning, the progress will be in the form of increased repetition or weights. As you keep going, positive changes in your physique and energy will help fuel the routine.

Once you stop seeing progress in your current routine, immediately find another routine that can push you further.

If life derails your routine, just restart at step one.

Below is a one-month workout that my good friend, Leighton Kuet at LK Fit, shared with me. I use this routine every time I need to get back into shape and it works very well (especially if I measure my progress after every workout).

Body-weight starter exercise - Recommended frequency - 3 days a week

Week 1:

Superset - 3 reps each exercise with 2-minute rest in between each exercise in the following order.

1. Max Pushup
2. Max Pull up
3. Max Sit up
4. Max Burpee

Week 2:

Superset - 3 reps each exercise with 90-second rest in between each exercise in the following order.

1. Max Burpee
2. Max Pull up
3. Max Pushup
4. Max Sit up

Week 3:

Superset - 3 reps each exercise with 60-second rest in between each exercise in the following order.

1. Max Pull Up
2. Max Pushup
3. Max Burpee
4. Max Sit up

Week 4:

Superset -3 reps each exercise with no rest in between each exercise in the following order.

1. Max Pushup
2. Max Pull up
3. Max Sit up
4. Max Burpee

Leighton has other more customized routines as well based on your goals. If you're interested, reach out to him here.

Photo by E'Lisa Campbell

The post How to get back into shape  appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

(click on book cover for more details)

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

• Published: December 2007
• ISBN-10: 0345472322
• EP Rating: 5 out of 5 (must read)

EP Main Takeaway: Adopt a growth mindset NOT a fixed mindset. See yourself as a work in progress, not a finished product. Failure doesn't define you - your skills can be developed so focus on getting better by doing ever more challenging work. Stop trying to prove you're great or protect your intelligence by taking on easy tasks or not trying. Praise and criticize effort, not traits, brains or talent.

The post Mindset by Carol Dweck appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

You don't need Arianna Huffington, the government, or me to tell you why it's important to get better sleep.

You know you need it but have trouble getting enough of it. Maybe you have too much to do, maybe it's restlessness or insomnia or maybe you do get enough hours of sleep but still feel tired. Whatever your reasons, you just want to sleep better.

I completely understand.

I'm often sleep deprived because I stay up to get stuff done. Even when I try to sleep, my mind is on all the things I want to accomplish and I find myself at my computer working into the early morning. At the same time, I recognize that I spend many days being distracted and tired. This negative cycle began to change after I read sleep expert Shawn Stevenson's book, Sleep Smarter. He makes a strong case for sleep and shares some simple tips that have helped me get more sleep yet still stay productive.

Here are my favorites:

Tip #1 - Schedule sleep on your calendar. Each sleep cycle is about 90 minutes so you want to schedule 6 hours, 7.5 hours, or 9 hours of sleep, or else you'll risk waking up groggy.

Tip #2 - Reframe sleep as a reward - see it as something you GET to do, not HAVE to do.

Tip #3 - Try to get some sun every day for at least 30 minutes every morning.

Tip #4 - Turn off all screens at least 90 minutes before bedtime.

Tip #5 - Cut caffeine after 12pm.

Tip #6 - Keep your bedroom cool (optimal temperature is 60-68 degrees Fahrenheit). Wear socks if you get cold.

Tip #7 - Try to sleep around 10-11pm. Shawn calls this the "money time" when it comes to sleep. Also, remember that it's important to keep your sleep schedule consistent.

Tip #8 - Eat whole foods and more proteins and fats over carbs. Avoid drinking 3 hours and eating 90 minutes before you go to bed.

Tip #9 - Use an air ionizer or humidifier or open windows to get good airflow. Getting plants can help as well.

Tip #10 - Make sure your bedroom triggers sleep. Create a relaxed and calm room by using blackout curtains and keeping work and electronics away from the bedroom.

Tip #11 - Exercise in the morning or late afternoon. Remember that muscles grow from restorative sleep not just from training. Like sleep, schedule your workouts.

Tip #12 - Get a good mattress and know your preferred sleeping position.

Tip #13 - Meditate right after you wake up or when you go to bed to clear any mental clutter. When trying to sleep, relax your body with this technique.

Tip #14 - Wake up when the sun rises and go to bed around the same time each night, (give or take 30 minutes). If you have trouble waking up early, try these ideas. This tip was echoed in Why We Sleep by Dr. Matthew Walker. If this is difficult for you, aim to wake up at the same time every day and sleep when you are tired.

Tip #15 - Wear loose clothing or nothing at all when sleeping.

Pick and choose the tips that work for you and your lifestyle. Find ways to measure how you feel each day so you can gauge which changes work best for you.

What practical sleeping tips have worked for you? Please share them in the comments section.

Here is a bonus infographic for you on sleep:

Photo by Magdalena

The post Need Sleep? 15 Simple Ways to Get Better Sleep appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

One of the best ways to achieve that is to get quality feedback. When it comes to feedback, we tend to ask other people because we fear our blind spots and propensity for self-delusion. Unfortunately, it's not always convenient or helpful to do that. It can be uncomfortable and depending on the person, highly unproductive.

Here are a few common thoughts that may cross your mind when you ask someone else to judge you:

How do I know if they are telling me the truth?
Are they credible enough to give me feedback?
What if they are misinterpreting my actions?
Is there a hidden agenda for the feedback they are giving me?
What if they are just jealous?
What if I don't want to change?

One way to reap the benefits of feedback without all of this hassle is to give feedback to yourself. You can do it at any time and it helps to heighten self-awareness.  Also, you're more inclined to buy into any changes you want to make.

So how do you give yourself feedback?

You observe others and yourself and analyze what you see.

Here are a few effective ways that I've found helpful from Marshall Goldsmith's popular book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There:

Pay attention to other people's reaction to you

Instead of asking people to give you feedback directly, pay close attention to what they're saying and how they act around you.

One great way to collect feedback about yourself is to jot down every casual comment others make about you. Once you have a long list of remarks, assess whether each remark is positive or negative. This will give you a sense of people's general impression about you. The goal is to increase your ratio of positive to negative remarks.

Once you've collected enough of what people are saying about you, start observing how they react around you. It becomes easier to do this if you tune out what they are saying and hone in on their body language. They key is to note any differences in how to react to you versus how they react to others in general. Do they smile when they talk to you or are you usually met with rolling eyes? Actions speak louder than words but only if you're paying attention.

Try this method both at home and in the office. It works especially well during group meetings where people are not aware that you are observing them. You'll be surprised how much you'll learn just by arriving early at a meeting and observing where people sit, who they talk to and their physical manner during these interactions.

Monitor what you say and do

What you say and do is very telling of who you are. If you want to get your perspective about yourself, start by observing your words.

What are you saying to other people? What is the ratio of self-aggrandizing remarks to self-deprecating remarks? What are you really saying about yourself when you make them?

If you're like most people, you compensate - what you brag about is usually what you're weakest at and what you're humble about, usually reveals your strengths. By being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can decide on how you will improve those areas. You can also work on becoming less self-conscious about both.

After you consider what your speech reveals about you, take a look at your actions. How do you act around your boss, co-workers, friends, family, relatives and strangers? What differences do you see when it comes to different groups and certain individuals? Usually, your flaws at work will show themselves at home and vice versa.

Pick one thing you know you can improve

Whether you're observing yourself or others, take time to analyze what you see. During your analysis, be careful not to generalize behaviors. One person may act friendly towards you but it doesn't mean they like you if they act even friendlier to everyone else.

Also, as you pore over this fresh set of insights about yourself, compare it to your own self-image. Would the person you aspire to be talk and act in such a way?  If not, what do you need to change?

When it comes to changing your life and sustaining that change, remember two things:

• People change ONLY if they believe it'll be helpful to them.
• The most productive way to do anything is to tackle one thing at a time.

So as you start to draw conclusions and find a few things to work on, I recommend that you pick ONE specific thing to improve. Once you decide what you want to work on, spend time to write one benefit to you and one benefit to the world when you successfully make this change.

For those who would like help pulling it all together, here is a 6-week regimen that you can follow:

• Week 1 - Make a list of what people are saying about you and categorize them as either positive or negative. Note anything that comes up often.
• Week 2 - Pay special focus to other people's body language towards you. Watch for any differences in their behavior depending on what you do and say. Also, contrast it with their manner towards other people.
• Week 3 - Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments.
• Week 4 - Look closely at how you treat other people. Find trends in your behavior and think about what those patterns say about you as a person.
• Week 5 (BONUS) - Listen to what you tell yourself. When you do well, what do you say? When you fail, what comments do you hear internally? You probably hold yourself back more than you know.
• Week 6 - Review all the information you've gathered about yourself from the last five weeks. Identify three aspects of yourself that you want to change. From those three, choose one that will have the most impact on your life and create a plan to make that change.

Giving yourself feedback might feel strange at first but armed with some concrete observations, it is a powerful technique for personal mastery.  Good luck!

If you know someone who might benefit from this article, please share it with them. Also, if you've learned something helpful about yourself through this technique and would like to share it, please leave a comment below.

The post How to Give Yourself Feedback appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Maybe you're one of these people and you're not sure why you don't get things done.

Maybe you deal with these people and they drive you crazy.

Maybe you do get things done but you want to get more things done.

No matter what the situation, it is worth understanding the most common reasons things don't get done.

So ... why don't people get things done?

Not Sure What to Do

One of the main reasons is because they are not sure what to do. They've been assigned a task at work or they want to accomplish a personal goal but they don't do it because they don't know how. People in this group are paralyzed because they either:

• have no idea what to do or where to start
• have so many options and are frozen by the fear of choosing the wrong one.

If you are in this situation, I highly recommend that you stop trying to guess and ask someone, who has already accomplished what you want, how he/she achieved it. If possible, choose someone who has similar values and beliefs to you so you are more likely to resonate with their course of action. Once you have a better picture of how to do what you want to get done, start right away.

No Deadline

If you want to make sure you procrastinate on your next project, don't set a definitive deadline. Just tell yourself you want to accomplish X in the vague future and leave it at that. You'll quickly find that when there is no deadline, it's easy to let other activities or projects, usually the easier ones, skip in line regardless of their importance. Also, you'll find that Cyril Northcote Parkinson, a British scholar, was right when he said:

"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."

- also known as Parkinson's Law

This is why you can get so much done right before you go on vacation. When you set a vacation date, you've given yourself a deadline to finish all the tasks you need to do before you go. If you give yourself a lot of time to complete something, you'll end up taking all that time despite being able to do it faster. Your boss at work knows this and that is why he/she gives you such tight deadlines.

Are you taking advantage of Parkinson's law?

Do you set firm deadlines for your own personal or professional goals?

If not, set one today.

Unclear of What Final Outcome Looks Like

People don't get things done because they don't know what "done" looks like. They keep doing and doing but they don't know when to stop.

For the things you want to get done, what does done look like?

How will you know that  you've accomplished it?

What will you see?

How will you feel?

What sounds will you hear?

Take time to paint a vivid picture of "done"

Not Held Accountable

Getting things done is not easy. It's even harder when you are doing it all by yourself. We have the incredible gift of being able to talk ourselves out of doing difficult and effortful tasks. So what's the difference between the times we actually do the difficult work and the times we talk ourselves out of it?

For me, I find that I do hard, effortful work when someone else is counting on it being done.

People who usually "motivate" me to do hard work are my clients, the readers of my blog, my friends and my family.

I would never wake up on my own to go running at 6 am in the morning but if I know my friend is going to be waiting outside, I get out of bed no matter how cold, dark, wet it is outside.

Who is counting on you?

If you're not getting things done, set up situations where people are counting on you to do what you say. If no one is counting on you, it becomes much easier to wait until tomorrow or when you have more energy. I recommend finding an accountability partner who will check in on you to make sure you are getting things done. The beauty of this setup is that you're counting on each other to make sure you keep this partnership going.

Don't See the Consequences

"You're fired."

That's a clear consequence of not getting things done at work.

How about in your personal life?

What are the consequences if you don't get things done in your personal life?

A divorce?

A heart attack?

A big debt?

These are all serious consequences but for some reason when it comes to our personal lives, we become blind to the consequences until it's too late.

• Not fixing the roof doesn't seem like a big deal until a big storm hits and your ceiling caves in
• Being too lazy to go to the gym for some exercise seem justifiable when it's raining outside until you are 70 pounds overweight and feel horrible about yourself
• Staying at a dead-end job that pays well may seem comfortable at the moment until you get laid off and find that you'll have to take a 50% pay cut because you haven't worked on any useful skills for other employers

No matter what we do or don't do, there are consequences.

Remember this the next time you want to put something off.

If you want to get something done, make sure you:

• know what to do
• have a firm deadline for getting it done
• know exactly what "done" looks, sounds and feels like
• have someone counting on you to get it done
• understand the negative consequences of not getting it done and the positive consequences of getting it done

Good luck!

The post Top 5 Reasons Why People Don’t Get Things Done appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

At least that’s what I believe and it has served me well.

So why is it that some of them do bad things?

Unthinkable things?

From genocides to bullying

From terrorism to financial fraud

From smoking to working way too much

People, who are generally good, end up doing a spectrum of bad things to others and to themselves.

I used to believe that it was the weakness of these people and their characters that caused them to act poorly. Bad people are just bad people and those who are influenced by their environment or by others are just weak-willed. From my personal experiences, observations and research, I now realize how mistaken I was.

In Philip Zimbardo’s book, The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, he recounts in detail his famous Stanford Prison Experiment where college students, randomly assigned to be guards and inmates, were transformed in such a shocking way that they had to end the experiment early. Without being told how to behave, the guards naturally became brutal and sadistic while the inmates became resigned and emotionally broken (I recommend reading the book if you’re interested to see how things got to that point and the psychological analysis of why that happened.)

The roles were assigned randomly. The students who played the guards were not bad people. Those who played inmates were not weak-willed. They were both simply changed by the situation they were put in.

The lesson: Good apples in bad barrels become bad apples.

The environment that we are in has a profound effect on our thinking and actions. Most people (I was one of them) believe they can act independently of their environment not realizing how much of their action reflects the values of those around them and the situation they are in.

Why this happens: We all want to belong and gain acceptance from those around us. It’s natural and it happens without our conscious awareness. The clothes that we wear, the way we speak, the car that we buy, these decisions are all made to gain social approval. Even those who fight against the status quo and conformity want to gain acceptance from others fighting against conformity.

Take some time now to think about your own situation and your environment. If you want some guidance follow along with the steps below:

1. Is there something you do that you don’t want to do but seem helpless to stop it? (choose a few of these)
2. Think about your environment (the people around you, the books your read, the culture of your company, the physical objects that surround you, etc.) and find the connection between your undesired behavior and your environment (there is a connection so keep looking until you find it).

Some examples:

People who work late usually do so because everyone else works late. When I was working in Asia, one of the key concepts I learned was “face time” (this was before Apple redefined the word). People would literally stay in the office because everyone else was in the office and if you left early, you would be judged as being lazy or not being a team player regardless if you’ve finished your work or not.

People who consistently fail at their diets usually live in a household filled with junk food or have close friends who have poor diet and exercise habits.

People who put themselves in debt buying luxury goods are usually in an environment where status symbols are necessary to fit in. Those who don't buy the best are ostracized by the group.

“When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.”

- Japanese Proverb

Once you make the connection between your behavior and your environment, recognize that as the main cause for your negative behavior and stop blaming your lack of willpower and discipline.

This doesn’t mean you should blame the environment or your external circumstances and relieve yourself of all responsibility. No matter what you may think or feel, you CHOSE the environment you are in so you are completely responsible for your actions. When you take total responsibility for your life, you give yourself the power you need to move forward.

So what now?

Well we’ve seen how our negative behaviors are linked to our environment. Let’s start putting this tendency to conform to our environment to work for us.

The best way for us to take advantage of this phenomenon is to:

Choose or Create a Better Environment

You've identified something in your environment that is causing your undesired behavior. My question to you is how will you change your environment to get the behaviors that you want?

Common environmental aspects that people can change:

• who you spend your time with
• what you read or watch
• where you live
• where you work
• how you organize your home or office
• the food in your fridge and pantry

I didn't choose my family. 

What a waste to throw away food.

I can't afford to leave my job.

I can't abandon my friends. We've been together since we were young. 

These are legitimate concerns.

So what if you can’t escape your environment?

First, there is no such thing as can’t. You probably don’t want to or don’t know how to.

Second, if you decide that you don’t want to leave your environment because it is doing something positive for you (i.e. a bad job still helps to pay the bills), then you may want to take these steps to plan your escape:

1. Recognize that you’re getting something positive out of your current environment even though it is causing a negative behavior
2. Find alternatives to meet that positive want or need
3. Make a plan to get out of that environment
4. Execute your plan and get out of that environment (you may find The Dreams to Reality Fieldbook helpful for the last 2 steps)

How do you use this method to escape toxic friends or family or both?

Here is an example:

1. What positives are you getting from your friends and family?

You enjoy being with other people and you feel good knowing there are people who look out for you. This is especially true for family members. You feel a sense of obligation to be loyal to your family and friends and you don't want to break that loyalty. Also, you just don't want to be alone. No matter what the reason, recognize and appreciate that you are benefiting from these relationships.

2. What are your options? How can you meet these positives in another way?

You can find new friends who possess the values you want to cultivate, spend less time with existing friends and family or learn to be more comfortable being alone by taking up new hobbies. You can also consider hanging out more with friends and family who are good influences on you.

3. Create a plan to get out of your current environment.

You decide that finding new friends and spending less time with toxic friends and family is a good option. Your plan may include:

• declining group events with toxic friends and family
• attending events or club meetings with people who you believe will have a positive influence on you
• staying away from places where you would run into toxic friends and family
• actively scheduling to meet with friends and family that you do want to see more of

4. Execute your plan

Take action immediately. Schedule to meet with friends next week. Research professional associations and clubs where you'll find like-minded people. Start declining group activities that you know will lead to negative behaviors (i.e. trip to the casino).

Despite knowing that you are heavily influenced by your environment, don’t make excuses for yourself.

Your life is what you make it.

"You're only a victim once. The next time you're an accomplice."

- Naomi Judd

The post Why Good People Do Bad Things appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

You don't do it intentionally but it happens.

It actually happens all the time, you just don’t know it.

The only time you realize there is a miscommunication is when something bad happens and even then you may not think it was because of bad communication.

The good things is most miscommunication doesn't have any bad consequences.

The bad thing is in those rare cases when the stakes are high, the consequences can be devastating and by the time you realize it was a communication issue, it’s too late.

Almost all conflicts (fights, arguments, etc.) are caused by poor communication. If you wanted to choose one skill to better your life today both professionally and personally, it is to improve your communication skills (I know, I know. Please resist the urge to roll your eyes).

“Communication”, like the words “mission” and “vision”, has become a generic term overused by corporate Human Resources Departments. All of the power and meaning of these words have been lost and people have forgotten the importance of good communication in their lives.

Almost every company has some type of training on effective communication skills but does it really help people become great communicators? Unfortunately not. Many of these trainings have great content and tips but they don't work because they never get to the root of the problem.

They never look at why people are bad communicators in the first place. If you want to be an extraordinary communicator, you must understand why we're so prone to miscommunicate:

Seeing is Believing

Most people tend to believe that because they were at a particular event (e.g. meeting, discussion, presentation, etc.), their account of the situation is correct. They generalize their perceptions of reality to be true for everyone and assume that what they saw is what really happened.

That is not true.

Even for all of you who have perfect vision, there are things you are blind to that you don't realize.

Watch this short video and follow the instructions in the video before reading on:

This experiment not only shows the power of attention but more importantly how our realities are based on our perception and that our perceptions are based on what we focus on. Depending on our experience, our mood, our thoughts, etc., we focus on different things of the same event. This means we only see a part of reality. To be more specific, we only see OUR part of reality.

Despite this being true for everyone, most people don't realize this. They don't know what they didn't see and will generalize their portion of reality to be the full reality. This is why so many people communicate badly. They stubbornly hold on to their "truth" and they discount everyone else's "truth".

If you were shown the above video only once and without mention of the gorilla, you probably would have lived your whole life thinking that there were only two teams passing the ball around and that the white team passed the ball around 13 times. If someone later told you there was a gorilla in that video, you would probably argue against it fervently.

Life works the same way. We can't rewind to see what really happened and arguments start when we think we have the whole truth even though we only have part of the story. Did you ever accuse your spouse of doing something they didn't do? Did you ever disagree with your boss about how your meeting went? If so, you've experienced this phenomenon first hand.

Improve Your Communication by:

• Realizing that your perception of reality is partial and dependent of your experiences
• Believing that people have good intentions and being curious about their perception of the world. Even though their actions or ideas may not make sense in your world, it is very possible that it makes perfect sense in their world.
• Taking other people's perceptions of reality to be as true as your own

We are Speaking the Same Language

In most countries, people speak the same language. In the US, it's English. In China, it's Chinese. In France, it's French.

People can recognize most words in their native language but what most people don't realize is the same words they are so familiar with may hold different meanings for different people.

If you assumed that just because you speak English and the other person also speaks English that you're both speaking the same language, you're very wrong. The meaning you give to words come from your environment (e.g. the way you were raised, your circle of friends, etc.) and your experience with that word. This is why miscommunication occurs so often. We all have unique life experiences and just because we use the same words, your definition of those words may be very different from my definition and you wouldn't know it until something bad happened.

Here is an example:

Tom and Jane are dating. Tom sees that Jane is unhappy and asks Jane what's bothering her.

Jane replies that she wants Tom to be more caring. Tom promises that he'll be more caring and Jane feels better.

The next week, Tom buys Jane flowers and takes her out to dinner. He feels good about it and Jane seems to be enjoying it as well.

A few weeks later, Jane and Tom get into a big fight because Jane accuses Tom of not following through on his promise to be more caring. Tom resents it because he felt that he was very caring and has shown it.

What was the problem?

Tom and Jane had different definitions for the word "caring":

Tom's definition of caring = buying flowers and taking loved one out to dinner

Jane's definition of caring = asking her daily about how her day went

So who's right?

Was Jane right to be angry or was Tom wrongfully accused?

Guess what, they’re both right.

The miscommunication occurred because they agreed on two different things thinking they agreed on the same thing. Jane thought Tom would ask her about her day more often while Tom thought as long as he bought flowers and took Jane to dinner, he'll be giving Jane what she wants.

Sound familiar?

Improve your communication by:

• Not assuming that speaking the same spoken language automatically means speaking the same language
• Asking others to define certain key words to make sure you’re on the same page. Tom should have asked Jane, "How would you "care" for someone?" People tend to treat people the way they want to be treated. If you want to drastically improve your relationship with your loved ones, ask them, "How do you know if someone loves you?" and pay close attention to the answer.
• Paraphrasing in detail the other person’s definition to make sure you understand what they mean and that you're both truly on the same page.
• Treat the person the way they want to be treated.

“It’s the thought that counts”

We’re taught growing up that as long as your intentions are good, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter how the other person takes it, if you know you had good intentions, you’re covered.

This is perhaps the biggest reason people get into arguments. When you think this way, you’re no longer communicating. You’re just dumping your ideas and suggestions under the guise of good intention.

One of the most important things I've learned that has helped me to improve my ability to communicate is realizing:

Intention doesn't matter.

The best example of this is a nagging parent. I'm positive your father or mother or both had only the best intention for you but how did the nagging make you feel? Did you feel compelled to listen to what they had to say? Did you listen to what they told you to do?

Probably not.

That's why focusing on intention is a very bad way to keep score on the effectiveness of your communication.

The only way to see how well you communicate is based on the response that you get from others. If other people are not open to your ideas, it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, you're not a good communicator. It's not up to people to understand your message, it's up to you to make it clear and acceptable.

Improve your communication by:

• Focusing on the response that you’re getting to evaluate how good you are communicating
• Taking responsibility for not getting the response you want
• Adjusting your behavior and communication according to the feedback
• Repeating the previous steps until you get the result you want

In a nutshell:

1. Seeing is not believing
2. Just because we all speak English doesn’t mean we speak the same language
3. Your intentions don’t matter. It’s about the response that you get.

Be curious about the other person without judging. If you don't assume and you're always curious enough to ask the other person to clarify what he/she mean, you'll see your quality of life improve drastically. There will be fewer if any arguments and you'll reduce many of the frustrations that plague relationships.

Life is about relationships and great relationships come from clear communication.

What are your tips for better communication?

If you want to improve your ability to communicate and get your message across, feel free to contact us to discuss the product and services that we offer.

The post 3 Reasons Why Most People are Bad Communicators appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

A day or two before my dentist's appointment, I will spend twice the amount of time brushing my teeth and triple the time flossing (I'm normally a fast flosser).

I even make the effort to brush my teeth again and use Listerine right before my appointment.

If I really think about it ... it's absurd.

Here I am paying my dentist to clean my teeth and I am doing most of the work for her (although she probably begs to differ).

How about you?

Are you guilty of this as well?

Are you the type to clean up the house before the cleaning lady comes?

If you are or know someone who is, read on.

So, why do we do this to ourselves?

There is really one reason:

We care about what other people think.

We are afraid our dentist and the dental assistants will silently look at each other with furrowed brows and annoyed looks when working on our teeth. We can already see them talking about us the next day, commenting on how lazy and unhygienic we are. We can readily imagine  our cleaning lady shaking her head disapprovingly as she cleans up our mess (a gesture she usually reserves for college dorm rooms and seedy motels).

No matter how we try to spin it, we just don't like to be judged negatively by other people (especially people we don't know).

Cleaning up before the maid. Brushing our teeth more vigilantly. These are harmless examples but it is when it becomes a habit and you automatically start to go against your natural inclinations because you are afraid of what other people will think, that's when it becomes dangerous.

A good warning sign is when you begin to rationalize your behavior instead of taking responsibility. You tell yourself that by cleaning up you are being considerate to others. You argue that the more "easy" work you do, the better they can focus on the "hard" work you paid them to do. I learned somewhere that there are always two reasons for doing something: the reason that sounds good and the real reason.

The reasons that sound good are all too familiar so what is real reason you brush your teeth before going to the dentist is?

You care more about what other people think of you than what you think of yourself.

This is a formula for disaster for one big reason:

You have no power over the actions and thinking of other people.

So if your self-image is based on what other people think about you, you're going to be in for some pretty big up and down days. You are disempowering yourself by changing your self-worth anytime someone changes their opinion of you.

Now that's a pretty horrible way to live and it doesn't have to be that way.

Try this:

Care more about what you think about yourself than what others think about you. 

All I did was change the order of the words and the impact is huge. The best way to put this to use in the real world is by separating your self-image from your behavior and outcome. Your self-image should not fluctuate. If anything it should only be going up because you completely control your self-image. Changing your self-image is instant. What are you waiting for?

Once you can separate your behavior from your self-image, failures becomes a reflection on your behavior, not who you are as a person. You haven't changed and you don't need to change. You were perfect from the minute you were born. What does have to change is your behavior. Remember that and your failures won't disempower you.

Are you someone who gets upset when people criticize or blame you?

Do you discount your ideas when it's contrary to popular belief?

Is your mood tied to what people think about you?

If so, I strongly recommend that you take the first step in the right direction and stop brushing your teeth right before you see the dentist. If you're feeling really good, eat some gooey chocolate beforehand. It may feel uncomfortable at first but when you come out with your teeth all cleaned and realizing how little it matters what the dentist thinks about you, it'll be well worth it.

If you're a dentist, sorry!

The post The Real Reason You Brush Your Teeth Before Going to the Dentist appeared first on Embrace Possibility.