Remove expectations

You lose patience when something you expect to happen does not happen.

You expect your colleague to get back to you within 24 hours and you're mad when they take 3 days. You expect your kids to behave in public and lose it when they don't. You expect the train system to be running on time and you're angry at the transit system when you're late for work. You expect a promotion and begin sending out resumes when you get passed over.

Be patient by giving up expectations. Nothing can bother you if it does not violate any standard you've decided to uphold. There is no injustice for you to get indignant or impatient over. You can still hold yourself to a high standard of excellence through your actions - you're just giving up your entitlement to a certain outcome. It sounds crazy not to have expectations but try it on first and see what happens.

Swap "in order to" with "and"

Another reason we lose patience is our tendency to interpret other people's annoying actions to be directed personally at us.

Our child is acting out "in order to" test our patience. The government worker is taking their time "in order to" annoy us. Our coworker forgets to give us credit for the project "in order to" undermine our career.

Save yourself some grief by switching "in order to" with "and".

Our child is acting out "and" it is testing my patience.

The government worker is taking their time "and" I feel annoyed.

Our coworker forgets to give us credit "and" I feel undermined.

Although you may still feel bad, you're no longer blaming the other person because you're not confusing their actions with their intentions. When you use "in order to", you're implying that your impatience is caused by the other person. When you use "and", you acknowledge there is a correlation between their action and your negative feeling but it doesn't necessarily mean causation. This presents an opening for you to take on another reaction.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

What expectations are you holding on to that you can give up for the next week?

How often are you blaming others for the way you feel?

Patience is a choice you can make today. Don't let anyone take it away from you.

The post Two Quick Tips to Be More Patient appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

After analyzing many methods and experimenting in my own interactions, I've found one simple guideline that has helped me enhance every one of my interpersonal relationships

This simple easy-to-remember tip is:

Make the other person feel significant

No one likes to feel small and most conflicts occur when you make others feel unimportant whether you intend to or not. If you think back to situations that make you angry or frustrated, it mostly likely stemmed from someone disrespecting or dismissing you. Road rage is a perfect example of this.

The key to getting along with almost anyone is to avoid actions that diminish others and replace them with actions that build up others.

Here are some behaviors that break down relationships:

• Acting annoyed
  • Rolling your eyes
  • Sighing audibly
  • Clicking your tongue or sucking your teeth
• Being disrespectful with your words or actions
  • Not paying attention to someone who is speaking to you
  • Using a condescending or patronizing tone
  • Raising your voice
  • Being unresponsive
• Undermining others
  • Speaking negatively of others
  • Unfairly criticizing the other person's attributes, actions and efforts
  • Sabotaging someone's project or reputation

Now that you know what behaviors to avoid, you can strengthen you relationships with these actions:

Pay Attention Fully

When you interact with someone, give them your undivided attention. Don't look around to see what else is going on or check your phone or watch. Take time to listen and respond accordingly to show you're engaged. Make the other person feel like they're the most important person you're meeting with that year.

Get Insatiably Curious

Nothing will make someone light up more brightly than showing genuine interest in them. Be curious and ask specific questions based on what you hear. The more questions you ask, the better the interaction will go but keep in mind that you must be sincere. If you try to fake it, people can tell. Express real enthusiasm to be with this person.

Elevate Appropriately

When possible, show that you consider the other person remarkable. You can highlight the great work that they're doing, compliment them on specific past achievements or let them know how grateful you are to spend time with them. Find opportunities to speak highly of this person to others as often as you honestly can. One trap to avoid is making others feel more important by putting yourself down. This is never helpful so it's critical that you lift others up in a way that respects everyone including you.

It's not hard to get along with others.

Make them feel important by showing them that you value their time, knowledge and experience. A good rule of thumb is to treat others like you would the CEO of your company, President of your country or someone you truly admire. Think about how you would act if you met with these individuals.

I'm sure you would probably:

• give them your full attention and all the time in the world,
• be curious about their lives and
• find opportunities to compliment them and their work.

If you act this way with all your relationships, you'll see some great results.

I've found this guideline to be especially helpful with those closest to me - my family and particularly my parents. Growing up, it was easy to take them for granted since they uncomplainingly put up with my disrespectful ways. By applying this simple rule, our relationship has never been better.

Lastly, this guiding principle will work wonders for the way you interact with yourself. Think of your daily self talk and apply this strategy. Stop being unfairly tough on yourself and find ways to pay attention to, elevate and promote yourself in an authentic way.

I hope this simple tip will serve you as effectively as it has served me.

What simple and effective guidelines do you use to live your best life?

Please share it with us in the comments section below.

The post How to Get Along with Almost Anyone (it’s easier than you think) appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

How often have you said or thought these words?

If you're a loving parent, good friend or caring colleague, probably one too many times. It's a plea you usually make when your good intentions fall short and it reflects both frustration and surprise.

So why does this happen? Why are you met with hostility, instead of thanks, when you offer helpful advice or take action to help someone else?

To be honest, the blame lies with your good-intentioned approach.

I know that sounds harsh but hear me out.

You give advice or take action to help because you are convinced that the other person will benefit. More likely than not, the other person's experience reminds you of your own and you see in hindsight what they fail to see on the horizon. In the spirit of being helpful, you want to prevent them from making the same mistakes you've made and give them the shortcut to save them the pain and trouble you went through.

You have a strong desire to share this shortcut because:

• you understand that some mistakes leave irreparable damage and want to prevent that.
• in retrospect, you wish someone share this with you so you could be further along than you are now.
• the other person can easily avoid the mistake if he or she takes your advice.

These reasons create a sense of urgency that pushes you to share your insights in the most direct way possible and this turns people off. When you want to get your point across quickly and you couple that with the notion that you know better, you'll tend to TELL other people what to do (think of how parents talk to their children or how policemen talk to just about anyone).

Unfortunately, most people hate being told what to do (that's why the police have such low popularity ratings). It doesn't matter if they can rationally understand the value of your advice - they will still actively fight against it. Think of your own experiences - how do you feel when someone tells you what to do even when it's good for you? How do you usually react?

So what can you do if you still want to help?

One simple change in thinking that worked for me can be summed up in these six words:

Be the guide, not the savior.

So, how do you make this shift?

Seek to understand

Saviors believe they already have the problem all figured out and they are all too ready to share their solution. They're not interested in learning more about the other person's situation because in their minds, it's unnecessary. They've seen it all and they know exactly what needs to be done. We adopt this savior mindset more often than we realize. If you've ever advised anyone to stop a bad habit like smoking or unhealthy eating, you've probably done so from a savior's point of view. As you may know firsthand, this approach is not very effective.

Instead, adopt the mindset of being a helpful guide. To be a great guide, it's important to understand the other person. Everyone is different and what motivates you is probably not what motivates other people. Take time to ask questions to find out what is really important for the other person. Then leverage that information to make a real impact.

Imagine you're on a tour and the tour guide takes you to the same sites they take everyone else and give you the same narrative. Some of it may be interesting but you'll most likely forget most it by the time you get home. Now imagine instead you were on the same tour but this time, the tour guide takes his or her time to get to know your interests and modifies the tour to align with those interests. How much more will you remember both the tour guide and the tour guide's message? That's the difference between being mediocre and being great.

Takeaway: Before sharing what you have to say, take time to learn more about the other person's situation and motivation.

Don't advise - share

As mentioned earlier, when we feel that we know what other people need, we feel the urge to tell them what to do. We adopt this savior mentality because we think it's helpful. Why shouldn't we be direct if we have more experience and already know what to do?

This is a fair point and in some situations, the direct approach does work. At the same time, you're still reading this article because more often than not, the direct approach is ineffective.

Something I've found to be effective in reaching the other person is to stop giving advice. Instead of offering my insights right away, I offer to walk the other person through my journey that has led to the insights I want to impart. I've found that most people are open when listening to others share their experience. Their guard comes down because they're not being told what to do and they have the freedom to decide whether your lesson learned applies to them. What's great is if they do decide it's valuable, they're more invested in changing because they've come to that conclusion on their own.

Takeaway: Resist the urge to tell people what to think or do. Share with them relevant and helpful information and allow them to draw their own conclusions.

Reinforce freedom of choice

People resist when they feel forced to do something. When I used to come up against resistance, I saw it as a challenge and would push even harder, employing more rationale and busting every excuse. Although I was able to get some people to acquiesce, it didn't drive people to change. I demonstrated classic savior thinking - "I'm doing what's good for you because you're doomed if you don't take my advice."

This type of thinking is detrimental because the message you're sending to the other person is that they need you to solve their problem. This is not true - they don't need you no matter how helpful you or your advice may be. As hard as it is to believe, the world keeps turning whether or not we're involved.

One powerful and counterintuitive action that moves people to change is to frequently remind them that the choice is theirs to make. Guides don't force people. They provide pertinent information that will allow the other person to make an informed decision. They present the available options along with the benefits and consequences of each option and then allow the other person to choose which option to take. By letting go and empowering others to solve their own problems, you're more likely to get them to do so.

It helps to assume that everyone is adopting the best strategy they can with what they know. If you hold this to be true, then by expanding their knowledge, you can help them make better decisions and come up with better strategies.

Takeaway: Before, during and after sharing your insights, look to reinforce the other person's autonomy.  Remind them that the choice was, is and always will be theirs to make.

In your interactions with other people, especially if you're looking to be helpful and give advice, think about positioning yourself as a guide by:

• asking questions to better understand the other person's situation
• sharing relevant information and allowing the other person to draw their own conclusions
• frequently reinforcing the other person's autonomy throughout the process

Why do you think your good intentions fall short?

What strategies have you found to be effective in getting through to people?

If you think this article might be helpful to a friend, parent or colleague, feel free to share it with them.  No pressure, the choice is yours.  

The post When Just Trying to Help Fails appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

One of the best ways to achieve that is to get quality feedback. When it comes to feedback, we tend to ask other people because we fear our blind spots and propensity for self-delusion. Unfortunately, it's not always convenient or helpful to do that. It can be uncomfortable and depending on the person, highly unproductive.

Here are a few common thoughts that may cross your mind when you ask someone else to judge you:

How do I know if they are telling me the truth?
Are they credible enough to give me feedback?
What if they are misinterpreting my actions?
Is there a hidden agenda for the feedback they are giving me?
What if they are just jealous?
What if I don't want to change?

One way to reap the benefits of feedback without all of this hassle is to give feedback to yourself. You can do it at any time and it helps to heighten self-awareness.  Also, you're more inclined to buy into any changes you want to make.

So how do you give yourself feedback?

You observe others and yourself and analyze what you see.

Here are a few effective ways that I've found helpful from Marshall Goldsmith's popular book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There:

Pay attention to other people's reaction to you

Instead of asking people to give you feedback directly, pay close attention to what they're saying and how they act around you.

One great way to collect feedback about yourself is to jot down every casual comment others make about you. Once you have a long list of remarks, assess whether each remark is positive or negative. This will give you a sense of people's general impression about you. The goal is to increase your ratio of positive to negative remarks.

Once you've collected enough of what people are saying about you, start observing how they react around you. It becomes easier to do this if you tune out what they are saying and hone in on their body language. They key is to note any differences in how to react to you versus how they react to others in general. Do they smile when they talk to you or are you usually met with rolling eyes? Actions speak louder than words but only if you're paying attention.

Try this method both at home and in the office. It works especially well during group meetings where people are not aware that you are observing them. You'll be surprised how much you'll learn just by arriving early at a meeting and observing where people sit, who they talk to and their physical manner during these interactions.

Monitor what you say and do

What you say and do is very telling of who you are. If you want to get your perspective about yourself, start by observing your words.

What are you saying to other people? What is the ratio of self-aggrandizing remarks to self-deprecating remarks? What are you really saying about yourself when you make them?

If you're like most people, you compensate - what you brag about is usually what you're weakest at and what you're humble about, usually reveals your strengths. By being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can decide on how you will improve those areas. You can also work on becoming less self-conscious about both.

After you consider what your speech reveals about you, take a look at your actions. How do you act around your boss, co-workers, friends, family, relatives and strangers? What differences do you see when it comes to different groups and certain individuals? Usually, your flaws at work will show themselves at home and vice versa.

Pick one thing you know you can improve

Whether you're observing yourself or others, take time to analyze what you see. During your analysis, be careful not to generalize behaviors. One person may act friendly towards you but it doesn't mean they like you if they act even friendlier to everyone else.

Also, as you pore over this fresh set of insights about yourself, compare it to your own self-image. Would the person you aspire to be talk and act in such a way?  If not, what do you need to change?

When it comes to changing your life and sustaining that change, remember two things:

• People change ONLY if they believe it'll be helpful to them.
• The most productive way to do anything is to tackle one thing at a time.

So as you start to draw conclusions and find a few things to work on, I recommend that you pick ONE specific thing to improve. Once you decide what you want to work on, spend time to write one benefit to you and one benefit to the world when you successfully make this change.

For those who would like help pulling it all together, here is a 6-week regimen that you can follow:

• Week 1 - Make a list of what people are saying about you and categorize them as either positive or negative. Note anything that comes up often.
• Week 2 - Pay special focus to other people's body language towards you. Watch for any differences in their behavior depending on what you do and say. Also, contrast it with their manner towards other people.
• Week 3 - Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments.
• Week 4 - Look closely at how you treat other people. Find trends in your behavior and think about what those patterns say about you as a person.
• Week 5 (BONUS) - Listen to what you tell yourself. When you do well, what do you say? When you fail, what comments do you hear internally? You probably hold yourself back more than you know.
• Week 6 - Review all the information you've gathered about yourself from the last five weeks. Identify three aspects of yourself that you want to change. From those three, choose one that will have the most impact on your life and create a plan to make that change.

Giving yourself feedback might feel strange at first but armed with some concrete observations, it is a powerful technique for personal mastery.  Good luck!

If you know someone who might benefit from this article, please share it with them. Also, if you've learned something helpful about yourself through this technique and would like to share it, please leave a comment below.

The post How to Give Yourself Feedback appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

But no matter how valuable the lesson, it is not fun to learn it the hard way.

Some say these learning pains are unavoidable and necessary for the learning to stick. This may be true for some people but for many of us, the same lessons can be learned without having to the suffer.

To learn lessons the easy way, you need three things:

1. Awareness of the lesson to be learned
2. Intellectual understanding of the lesson and how it applies to you
3. Belief that it does apply to you

This article can help you with the first two criteria. The third part is all up to you.

If you prefer to learn your lessons the hard way or if you believe the lessons of others don't apply to you, feel free to stop reading now.

For those of you who want to save yourself some time, money and energy, here are my top life-changing insights:

1. The effectiveness of your communication is measured by the feedback that you get.

How effective you are as a communicator has nothing to do with your intentions. It has everything to do with the other person's response. I used to believe that as long as my intentions were good, any miscommunication was the fault of the other person. How can it be my fault if they don't get it?

I've come to realize that I was wrong. If you're not getting the response you want, YOU need to change YOUR approach, not the other person.

If you have a nagging parent, you've experienced this firsthand. They remind you to do this and to do that, all with the best intentions in mind, but how often do you listen? How often are you grateful for these reminders? Nagging parents rarely get the response they're looking for. They don't realize that they're the ones that need to change. Instead, they use their noble intentions as an excuse for continuing their ineffective actions.

To measure how effective you are, forget your intentions and look at the feedback you're getting.

2. Follow your passion using your strengths to get the best return for your time and energy.

We are all allotted 24 hours every day. What you achieve with your life depends on how you use those 24 hours. Unfortunately, there are so many options that it is easy to choose activities that do not give you the best return for your time and energy. Walk into any corporate office and you can easily find examples of people engaging in low-return activities.

To have an impact in the world and to live to your full potential, follow your passion and support that passion with your interests and strengths in a sustainable way.

• Your passion tells you WHY you're doing what you're doing.
• Your interests will decide WHAT you should do to achieve your WHY.
• Your strengths will determine HOW you're going to accomplish WHAT you set out to do.

Focus on activities that use your strengths because that will give you the most return for your time. Improving your weaknesses usually don't pay because that time can be better spent working on your strengths. If you have activities on your to-do list that play to your weaknesses, either remove them or find someone else to help you with them.

If you're not sure where to begin, I recommend following these step-by-step instructions:

1. Start by looking within. Think about your values and beliefs and create a personal mission statement that answers WHY you believe you've been put on this earth. There is no right or wrong answer. If you don't have a personal mission statement, take some time now to create one. If you are uncertain, choose one for now knowing you have the flexibility to change it as you learn more about yourself.
2. Identify your top interests and strengths along with the activities that use those interests and strengths to move your mission forward. If you're not sure what your strengths are, take an aptitude test or check out The Strengths Finder. To pin down some of your interests, think of personal experiences where you lose track of time because you were so engaged or books you can't put down.
3. Analyze the activities you've just identified and select the ones that people are willing to pay you to do so you can sustainably continue to do them.

Get started on these steps as soon as possible. Every minute you delay is another minute being wasted on low-return activities. Give yourself a reality check by tracking how you are currently spending your time. Do this for a few weeks and analyze your time logs. How much time do you spend using and honing your strengths to move your mission forward?

3. People do the best that they can with what they know.

This insight has greatly improved my interpersonal relationships. I have realized that people, who are rude, disrespectful or exhibit any other negative behavior, really don't know any better. Their actions stem from strategies that they truly feel are the best ones to handle the current situation.

This can be extremely frustrating if you have access to better strategies. The key is to understand that the other person didn't have the same experiences and insights that you've had and therefore should not be held accountable.

It's like blaming a two-year old for drawing on the walls. They really don't know any better and it's unfair to blame them for being ignorant of the impact of their actions. They are doing the best that they can with what they know. Realizing this may help you give other people the benefit of the doubt and empathize with their situation. This was a game changer for me.

One application of this insight is to give other people a break including those from your past who have wronged you. Your parents, your former bosses, even random strangers did what they thought were the right things to do. Forgive, truly forget and move on.

This rule also holds true when dealing with yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself - you're doing the best that you can with what you know.

The best way to cure ignorance is through education. Keep learning new things. If you're dealing with difficult people, empathize and be curious about their strategies. By taking the initiative to listen and understand, you open others up to you and your ideas. When they give you permission, recommend a book, a movie or a person that will expose them to better strategies for life. Just be careful not to cross the line from being helpful to preachy.

4. There is no such thing as "can't".

I've written about this insight in detail (click here to read).

5. Change happens only when the other person perceives real value for them to change.

Face it - you're never going to change anyone who doesn't want to change. The only way someone will change is if they truly believe your proposed behavior or idea is more beneficial to them than their previous behavior or idea. They make this decision based on their values, not yours.

We are all selfish in the sense that we care about our well-being. We're wired to adopt the best strategies that will help us in life. When you ask someone to change, you're telling them that your strategy is better than their current one. If they agree with you then you'll get change. If they don't agree with you, then nothing will happen.

Look at the different times in your life when you've accepted and rejected change. How did you decide one way or the other?

If you're looking to change someone, clearly show them the benefits they'll receive from adopting your proposed behavior. In addition, help them see that your way is better than other alternatives including their current strategy. To do that effectively, you need to understand what they valued in their old strategy. This won't be easy but if you can get them to accept your strategy as being better, they will gladly change their behavior.

6. Money is an amplifier.

Many people, my mother included, view money in a negative way. The pervasive view is that it's bad to be rich because money corrupts people. It's not hard to see why they would feel that way when the media shows ample examples to support their views.

Despite all the press, I've come to realize that money is not evil. It merely acts as an amplifier. If you want to do good things, money will allow you to do more good things than you can without money. If you want to bad things, money will allow you to do more of that as well. To make a significant impact in the world, you need a good amount of money. That's just how the world, at this moment, works.

Are you financially free? If not, what is your plan for financial freedom?

If you don't have one, why not?

The simple but arduous road to financial freedom involves:

• maximizing income,
• minimizing expenses,
• saving as much as you can and
• investing those savings so it can grow beyond inflation.

The earlier you start, the faster you'll become financially independent. For those of you who are against denying yourself the finer things in life, think of all the grander things you are missing out on because you are not financially free.

7. The identity you give yourself is who you become.

Who you are on the outside is directly connected to the story you tell yourself on the inside. If you tell yourself that you're a successful business professional, you'll dress, talk, walk and act in a way that mirrors that belief. If you believe you're inept, then your actions will confirm that as well. Your self-identity dictates who you attract, who you socialize with, how you act relative to others, etc.

The common misperception is that identity is fixed. People often say that they're "keeping it real" to excuse their bad habits and behaviors. They try to hold on to their identity without realizing that from the minute they were born, their identity has been continuously changing on many levels. They went from baby to toddler to teen to worker to parent. They've gone from student to the new guy to the seasoned veteran.

Aim high when you decide on your identity because you will live up to the expectation and image that you set for yourself. Tell yourself the story of success that you want and your reality will reflect that. You can decide what your identity is at any time. Don't give that power away to others. If you don't like where you are now or where you're headed, jumpstart your life by reinventing yourself.

8. When truth is relative, being right is irrelevant.

I can believe something to be true and someone else can believe a contradicting idea to be true and we may both be right.

Sounds a bit strange, doesn't it? Shouldn't the truth be absolute?

It's easy to think that life is black and white. If we all have the same facts, we should all draw the same conclusions. This might work if we all had the same brain, lived in the same way with the same experiences but we don't. By the time outside stimuli reach our brain for processing, it has already been put through our personal filters. What gets analyzed by my brain is very different from what gets analyzed by your brain despite the same stimuli. This allows for both of us to come up with equally valid conclusions even if they contradict.

Daniel Kahneman, author of Thinking Fast and Slow, is right when he said,

"We have an unlimited ability to ignore our ignorance".

Before I realized my ignorance, I spent a good amount of time trying to prove that I was right. Understanding now that everyone is entitled to their own truths, it doesn't make sense to argue about right or wrong. The focus should be on getting what I want. The next time you are arguing with a loved one or colleague, ask yourself, "Am I trying to build a stronger relationship or am I trying to be right?" This will help you resolve your argument fairly quickly (hint: being right is often wrong).

The difference between strong communicators and weak communicators are those who are curious about the other person's views and can build a bridge from their own view. Ask yourself - what assumptions is the other person making that makes their story true? Resist the tendency to think the other person is either slow or missing information and that is why they are coming up with faulty conclusions. In many cases, we may be the slow one that's missing information.

Dogma is dangerous.

Consider the idea of relative truth (or not).

9. Other people's values and traits rub off on you.

Whether you like it or not, the people you surround yourself with will have a strong influence on you. It doesn't matter how old you are or how resolute you are in your beliefs and identity, you will end up adopting the thoughts, values and behaviors of the people you spend the most time with.

We all want to belong and we subconsciously behave in ways that gain the approval of those around us. You don't realize this because it happens incrementally. You are constantly taking one step closer to the group until you eventually fall in direct step with everyone in the group. There are examples all around you. Think of your friends who've changed dramatically because they began spending time with a very different group of people.

Siblings prove this point well. Same family, same upbringing, very similar genes and yet siblings can be very different. If you look carefully, the difference that makes the difference is the people they spend most of their time with.

"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends."

- Japanese Proverb

Who are the people you spend most of your time with? Do they embody the qualities you look up to? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Make a conscious decision to spend less time with people you don't want to become. If some of these people are your close friends, you may feel disloyal. This is normal. Just understand that they will rub off on you just like you will rub off on them. What might help you feel less guilty is knowing that people spend less time with their close friends all the time and they don't get judged negatively for it.

• New parents spend less time with their single friends.
• College students spend less time with their childhood friends.
• Those who work spend less time with those who don't.

You don't have to feel guilty. Just because you don't see each other often, doesn't mean you can't stay friends.

Use this rule to your advantage. Be selective with who you spend time with and choose people who are already where you want to be so you grow when you conform to the group. The key is to find groups that will pull you up as opposed to those that will pull you down.

10. The choice is always yours and that makes you completely responsible.

Almost everything that happens to us is a result of our choices. Whether our life is good or bad, we're a direct contributor. This insight has had the most impact on my life.

The minute you hold yourself accountable for your life's results, you become empowered to resolve issues and take pride in your accomplishments. Those who don't take responsibility remain helpless because they blame something or someone else for their troubles. Their lives never get better because they've already decided that it's not their fault and there is nothing they can do about it.

Many first meetings I have with clients are whine and pity parties. They complain about how unfair it is that their boss or company mistreats them or their colleagues take advantage of them. Just before they go into their well-rehearsed rant of being underpaid and overworked, I stop them and ask, "Why don't you just quit? There are plenty of other companies out there."

This usually opens up a floodgate of excuses for why they can't quit - weak economy, bills to pay, waiting for retirement, etc. After they finish, with empathy I point out that it's still a choice that they've made and they're paying the consequences of that choice. Those who accept the idea become my clients and we work on a game plan to transition into a better situation. Those who continue with "Yeah, but ..." get their coaching fee refunded in full and an offer to contact me after they stop playing the role of victim.

If you want power over your life, frame everything that happens to you as a consequence of your choices. If you truly believe that, your life will improve.

11. No one is coming to the rescue.

This is a bonus insight for finishing the first ten. I'll keep it short and sweet.

Stop waiting for someone to solve your problems.

Everyone is busy with their own issues.

No one is coming to save you.

Take control of your life.

Any help is bonus.

You can do it.

Take time to read through these insights again. Print them out. Highlight helpful points. Share this article with your friends, family and colleagues.

Also, think about how these insights might apply to you. Learn them the easy way by understanding each insight and believing that it applies to you. Try one on each month and see if they fit.  If you get through all of these principles, you may want to check out 13 more from Matthew McConaughey.

I'm always interested in learning lessons the easy way. What strategies or ideas have significantly improved your life?

The post Top 10 Insights that May Change Your Life for the Better appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

You probably think your life could be better.

It's not that it's bad. It's just not what you'll call "awesome".

If you want to confirm this, answer this question:

What have you been up to?

If your answer is:

• Not much
• Same old
• Eh...

or any other variation, then you may want to jumpstart your life.

A great way to do that is by upgrading your identity.

Your identity is who you believe yourself to be and is made up of your thoughts, your actions, your habits and your outer appearance. People often make the mistake of believing that their identity is pre-determined and cannot be changed. They don't realize that their current identity exists only because they've allowed it to and that they have the power to change their identity at any time. To make a lasting change in your life, redefine your identity.

You will always be you. There is no law that says you need to be the same you for the rest of your life. The whole point of personal growth and mastery is to be a BETTER you every day.

So how do you change your identity for the better and make it stick?

Define in Detail a Better Identity

Think about the identity you want to step into. What are the inner qualities and outer appearances that make up this identity? 

A good place to start is to look closely at the people you admire and isolate the qualities that you admire about them. You can get to know many great people from their biographies or interviews. You can even make it up because you're not trying to be someone else.  You're finding strong qualities to build a better identity than the one you have now. To make this work, you need to get specific. Ask yourself questions like:

• What is their demeanor and personality?
• How would they carry themselves in public and in private?
• What is their view on handling disputes?
• What clothes would they wear?
• How would they treat waiters, their boss or the President of the US?
• What good habits would they have? 

Once you have a clearer picture for how this new identity thinks, looks and acts, organize this information and create a profile for this "new" you. Hone in on three key characteristics that define this new identity and highlight them in your profile.

Step Into Your New Identity

To take on this new identity, you'll need to do three things:

1. Believe that this better identity IS you

2. Think like this better identity

3. Act and look like this better identity

To mentally prepare, visualize yourself adopting the thought processes and mannerisms of this new identity. Rehearse in your mind typical scenarios you face and how you would act with this new set of qualities. Notice the differences between how you would have handle the situation before and how you would handle it now.

Once you've practiced it mentally a few times, do it in real life. If you feel like you're being fake, it's because you don't believe that this new identity is you.  Many of us allow other people to give us our identities - parents, teachers, friends, media, etc. It's time to take back that power.

Give yourself permission to define who you are. 

Your identity is who YOU want it to be and not who others want you to be.

For example, you decide that your new identity is confident, happy and generous. To be this new you, you will assert yourself at work, stand with a strong posture, smile more often and donate your time and money to charity. It doesn't matter if you didn't do any of this before, start now.

Make Your New Identity Stick

This is probably the most challenging step.

To make your new identity stick, other people must acknowledge it.  This is tough because those around you know you as you and it's common to believe that people don't fundamentally change.  Think about your own experience with people you knew when you were younger who have changed dramatically.  Weren't you a bit skeptical too?

It's hard enough for you to adapt to your new mindset and behaviors. It becomes even tougher when others around you unknowingly sabotage your efforts by treating you like you haven't changed or talk to others about the "old" you.

The easy fix for this is to move to a place where no one knows you. By doing this you don't need to worry about breaking down other people's old image of you, or having them misinterpret your new actions with their perceptions of the old you. You can just adopt your new appearances and actions and others will accept you for who you have decided to be.

When you're working so hard to improve yourself and other people question what you're doing or worst yet, tell you that you're being inauthentic, it is frustrating. Unfortunately, it's always people closest to you who are most skeptical.  They know you so well that they're not willing to give up the old you. They even become suspicious of the new you.

According to the bible, Jesus faced a similar issue. He was known to be a great man during his time but people in his hometown only knew him as a carpenter's son and would not acknowledge his greatness. He even said, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family" (Mark 6:4). This didn't stop him from being great and it shouldn't stop you.

If moving away is not an option for you, change your environment in some way. You can find new friends, change the amount of time you spend with your old friends and family or switch jobs. This allows you to get comfortable with your new identity.

Of course, you probably like your friends and leaving your family is not an option, so what should you do then?

Tell those close to you what you're trying to do. You can even show them this article to help them understand. They can support you if they want but at the minimum they should not sabotage you. If they are not supportive, it is okay.  You don't need other people to acknowledge it first for you to change. It just makes it easier. If you're consistent with your new identity, people will begin to accept your new identity and change their attitude and beliefs towards you.

I've had the fortune of reinventing myself several times and it's always been easier when I was in new surroundings.  Now that I'm back in my hometown, I still have people from my childhood who are skeptical about who I've become. All I can do is remain consistent with the identity I've decided to keep and to live my best life.

If you're not completely content with where you are in life, consider reinventing yourself. Take time now and figure out specifically who you want to be and take on the thoughts, feelings and actions of the new you. If you can find a way to change your environment (e.g. getting a new job, going away for college, moving to another city or country), even better.

What has been your experience with upgrading your identity and what strategies do you use?

Has changing environments ever accelerate your growth?

The post How to Jumpstart Your Life by Reinventing Yourself appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Whether you've just lost your job or you've been looking for some time now, the uncertainty can be both frustrating and scary.

In an interview with LocalJobNetwork.com, I discuss how people hold themselves back from getting a job and share tips for helping them improve their chances for employment.

To listen to this interview, click here.

For more insights, check out the following articles:

What to Do When You Lose Your Job

Job-Search Mistakes You Don't Realize You're Making

Why Going Back to School is a Bad Idea

Remember: Take responsibility for your situation and stay positive

If you have any questions, write them in the comments section and I'll be sure to respond. This way others can benefit from the answer if they have a similar issue.

The post Insights for Getting a Job – Articles and Interview appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

Should I quit my job?

You're not alone.

People often tell me they are unhappy with their jobs. They fantasize about getting out and like most fantasies, it doesn't happen.

The good news is:

Those who do make the switch don't regret it.

The bad news is:

This doesn't make the decision any easier for you.

You have responsibilities and quitting your job in this economy seems a bit reckless. On the flip side, staying at a job you should be leaving is downright foolish.

So how do you know when to say goodbye to your employer?

Look for the five warning signs below. If you see any one of these signs, begin planning your exit strategy. If a few of these hold true for you, start updating your résumé now.

You should quit your job if you're:

Only in it for the Money

If the only thing that is keeping you at your job is your compensation, then you may want to consider other career options. If you:

• look to do as little as possible during the workday,
• would leave immediately for a higher paid job,
• stay in bed until the absolute last minute before being unacceptably late for work,

then money is probably the main reason you're staying at your job.

Money is important but use it to enhance your life NOT dictate it.

Looking to Retire

What do you want from your professional career?

If your answer is to retire early, then you should probably look to quit what you're doing now. You can get an idea about what you should be doing by looking at what you would do if you could retire.

We're not promised tomorrow so it is always risky to put up with something undesirable (e.g. your current job) for a future reward that may never happen. Why not choose a path that will allow you to enjoy yourself along the way to your desired destination?

Successful people rarely retire even when they are eligible to. Look at Warren Buffett, William Zinsser or Frances Hesselbein. They are well over the retirement age and have the means to retire yet they still get up in the morning and go to "work".

"You have to love something to do well at it"

- Warren Buffet

Not Learning What Matters

The more value you add, the more desirable you'll be for employers.

Your value comes from learning skills that people are willing to pay for. If you want to be wildly successful, cultivate skills that combine your natural talents with what people will pay you for. If your current job doesn't allow you to learn the skills that matter to you, you are wasting your potential.

One common mistake people make is to confuse learning what matters with learning new things. While there are many benefits to learning new things, it is important to make sure you devote a good amount of your time learning marketable skills that play to your strengths. If you're not sure what your strengths are, test your  aptitude to find out.

You spend most of your waking hours working. If you're not given responsibilities at work where you can build your key skills, you'll have a hard time becoming valuable. People who don't add value become obsolete and are eventually let go. Always look for the job that will challenge you (in a good way).

Working for a Horrible Boss

People don't leave their companies. They leave their managers.

A horrible boss can take many forms:

• Someone who is disrespectful.
• Someone who doesn't develop you.
• Someone who steals all the credit. 

You're in trouble if you have a bad boss. If there is no sign that your boss will be leaving the company, it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere for work.

Remember: Your environment exists because you either wanted it, rewarded it or allowed it to happen. You can choose to stay or your can choose to leave. Don't ever give up that power.

Pretending to be Someone Else

This is a deal breaker for me.

If being yourself is detrimental to your success at work, you're better off leaving.

It's too tiring and stressful to be someone you're not. You won't do it well and it's not sustainable. You'll eventually burn out from selling out.

Please don't confuse this with professional development or stepping out of your comfort zone. I'm referring to instances where you're asked to do something that goes against your principles, your morals or any other strong belief. In these instances, consider speaking with Human Resources to transfer right away.

For example: If you're told to be more "aggressive" to get the job done, you need to decide whether this is a good strategy you weren't aware of or if it is something that goes against your principles. If it's a good strategy, understand that it'll be awkward during the learning stage. If it goes against your beliefs, look to find another approach or another role.

Your standards are for you to set and there is no right or wrong. Don't ever let your employer decide what you should believe.

If any of these situations reflect your work life, quitting may not be a bad idea. Before you type up your resignation letter, keep these important points in mind:

• Take time to figure out what job best suits you - consider reading What Color is Your Parachute or attend my Know What You Want Workshop. 
• Evaluate the job before you accept the job - do informational interviews with current employees and prepare the right questions to get the answers you need. There is no point blindly jumping from one bad situation into another.
• Ease the transition - no need to reach your dream job in one try. Take steps towards it.
• Start saving money NOW - the better your finances, the more freedom you'll have to transition.
• Be responsible for your future - only you can make it happen.

Have you ever left your job? What made you quit?

For those who see these warning signs in your professional life, what do you plan to do about it?

Share this article with anyone who is unhappy with their job.

The post Top 5 Reasons You Should Quit Your Job appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

This third interview of the Modeling Success Series reminds me why I love what I do and how much I enjoy meeting and learning from extraordinary people. I came away from this particular interview reinvigorated towards living my passion. The person who had such an energizing effect on me was Frances Hesselbein, President and CEO of the Frances Hesselbein Leadership Institute.

Ms. Hesselbein was also the former CEO of the Girls Scouts of the USA and recipient of countless awards including the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States. As I entered her office overlooking Park Avenue in New York, I couldn't help but notice her wall, covered in either books or honorary doctorates. She must have noticed because she started our journey together with this story:

After thanking her for allowing me to be a fellow traveler that morning, Ms. Hesselbein enlightened me with her personal definition of success. She knows she is successful when she lives by her main rule of conduct (which she jokes is tattooed on her shoulder with invisible ink):

To Serve is to Live

On that front, she's certainly been very successful.

She also lives by two of Peter Drucker's pearls of wisdom:

"Think first. Speak last."

"Ask. Don't tell."

- Peter Drucker

Simple instructions that lead to a life of success. I've added these 3 principles to my own rules of conduct and have seen great results both personally and professionally. Speaking last has been especially helpful.

Successful people rarely achieve success on their own. Behind every great person is a vast network of people willing to help. To be extraordinary, it is crucial to connect and collaborate with other extraordinary people. Listen to the next audio to find out good ways to connect with like-minded people and leaders.

Audio - Connecting with Leaders - 0:37

The last piece of advice in that audio is to "find great excitement in moving beyond the walls".

Walls protect.

They also limit.

To make an impact in the world, we have to step out of our "walls". We need to leave behind what is safe and familiar to create new paths for ourselves and others to follow. This is not easy and most people stay within their self-imposed boundaries or those set by society. Great people usually have the same boundaries as ordinary people. The difference is great people choose to step across it.

One question that I often ask successful people is:

What do you do when you're not making progress fast enough?

I enjoyed Ms. Hesselbein's answer very much. Listen for yourself in the audio below.

Audio - Progress Too Slow? - 1:26

When was the last time you compared your results with your activity to decide which tasks are truly important to do?

If it was a long time ago or you've never done it, take time to thoughtfully reflect on your results and tasks today. Which activities really matter and which are just nice to do?

Times are always changing and what worked for you today will not work for you tomorrow. Be flexible by challenging yourself and your actions. Keep yourself accountable by being critical of your own performance.

Listen to the audio below to learn what that means.

Audio - Be Critical of Yourself in a Good Way - 1:22

We then switched gears and I asked Ms. Hesselbein a question I get asked all the time by my clients:

"Should I take this opportunity?"

Again, she answered it in such a nice way that I'll rather you hear it from her directly.

Audio - Courage to Take Opportunities - 0:53

What will you use to test whether an opportunity is right for you?

Is your current situation furthering your mission? If not, are you willing to close the door and open a new one?

One of the major takeaways from this interview revolves around Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote:

"Be ye an opener of doors ..."

We learn everyday and it is our responsibility to share that with others. Think of ways today to open doors for other people. If you can't think of anything, start literally and move on from there.

Audio - Opener of Doors - 0:31 

To get more of Frances Hesselbein and her great advice, I highly recommend viewing Frances Hesselbein's Global Webinars and checking out other useful resources on the Frances Hesselbein Leadership Institute website.

During the end of my interview with Ms. Hesselbein, I noticed the view from her window was a gloomy one. It was raining and everything was gray outside. When I asked her what she sees outside of the window, her answer was ...

... a bright future.

This was the perfect example of "looking out the window and seeing what is visible and not yet seen".

Listen below to hear why she is so positive (hint: it is not because of her blood type).

Audio - A Bright Future - 4:42

So What Will I Model?

1. Respect everyone - shown by BOTH my actions and my words
2. Actively open doors for other people by sharing with them what and who I know
3. Live by my own definition of success and continuously find and take on other more resourceful rules of conduct such as:
   • To serve is to live
   • Think first, speak last
   • Ask. Don't tell.
4. Be mission-focused., values-based and demographics-driven.
   • Why do I do what I do?
   • What are my beliefs and am I sticking to them?
   • Who am I serving and how can I serve them better?
5. Connect with others by moving beyond my comfort zone
6. Examine what I'm doing to make sure it is important relative to my mission
7. Learn to be more flexible so when what works for me today stops working for me tomorrow, I can shift gears quickly
8. Close the doors on opportunities that don't achieve my mission and open new ones
9. Stay positive and be optimistic
   

What will you model?

The post Modeling Success Series – Frances Hesselbein – #3 appeared first on Embrace Possibility.

7 continents,

49,599 miles later,

I'm home.

This trip around the world was amazing in many ways - the food, the sights, the people ...

but all of that was to be expected from a trip like this.

What I didn't expect was to learn a few life lessons that have changed the way I look at both the world and life.

Here are the realizations that I've brought home with me from this trip:

The World Doesn't Stop Turning

Before going on the trip, I was nervous. Being away for 2 months, many times without internet, scared me. I thought to myself,

...my blog is going to lose readers, my business is going to lose momentum, what is my family going to do if something goes wrong. Maybe I shouldn't go...

Now that I'm back from my trip, I realized that the world didn't end. I actually had more readers on my blog while I was away than when I was actively writing articles. That's when I realized that the world kept on spinning and will continue to do so with or without me.

This was both a relief and a bit unnerving.

Do I really matter? (This question also came up after reading Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything)

If my absence didn't make a difference, does my presence?

I thought about this for a while and concluded that ...

... it does.

It does to those who are around me. My family, my friends, my readers and all the people I have and will come into contact with in my life.

We often want to see ourselves as the linchpin holding everything together. It makes us feel important when other people depend on us. This is why it is so common for us to use the excuse - "I can't step away or (fill in the blank) is going to end up in catastrophe". Perhaps it's ego or maybe it's a deep sense of responsibility but more likely than not, we're just making excuses for something we are scared to do.

So what was my takeaway from all of this?

First, know your priorities and what is really important to you.

Next, do what is most important to you no matter what. 

Last, periodically check to make sure you are still doing what matters the most to you.

If you think your company is going to go bankrupt because you decided not to work overtime and spend that time with your family, you're probably wrong. They'll be fine with or without you. If you love working and you'll rather do that than spend time with your family, then by all means, do so.

There is no right or wrong. There is only your choice (and of course, your consequences). Life is what you make it so make it your own.

There is Only the Present

(Walking around Sultanahmet in Istanbul thinking to myself)

... I should've gone to the Blue Mosque this morning. Where should I go tomorrow? What should I do when I get to Budapest ...

When you take a long trip like this, it's easy to constantly think about what is next and forget to enjoy the present moment. I was guilty of this several times during my trip.

What's crazy is that if I didn't catch myself, I would have spent the full two-months worried about where to go next instead of actually enjoying the incredible experience right in front of me. Since I was also the photographer, I was especially susceptible to this.

Having returned from my trip, I realized that I spend a lot of time in the present thinking about what I'm planning to do tomorrow or what I did in the past. I rarely get to enjoy what's happening in the present. Knowing that, I've tried to focus more on the present through meditation. I now meditate 10 minutes every day and I notice the difference. I am more self-aware and attuned to my thoughts.

Living in the present doesn't mean you shouldn't plan or reflect on your past. Both of these activities are very important. Just make sure that you're consciously carving out time to do it so it becomes an activity in the present. What you don't want is to drift into the past or future when you really should be living your life in the present.

So how do you know when you are wasting your present thinking about the past or future? Just pay attention to what you say to yourself and others. Here are some words that usually signal past or future thinking:

Past: Would've, Should've, Could've, Next time, Why didn't I ...

Future: Next week, Next year, Tomorrow, I plan to, When I ... 

If you hear these words or phrases, stop and focus on what is happening around you. Ask yourself:

Where am I?

Who is around me now?

Am I breathing in or out?

What should I be doing?

Did I intend to reflect about the past or plan for the future?

Asking yourself these questions may seem strange and a bit extreme but if you don't become sensitive to where you are focusing, you'll probably spend most of your life thinking about the past and the future and not living any part of it.

Here are three quotes that sum it up beautifully:

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us."

-Michael Cibenko

"Forever is composed of nows."  

-Emily Dickinson

"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's Normal for Things to Go Wrong

Despite this subheading, our trip went rather smoothly despite all the logistical issues that could have gone wrong. We even had great weather. So what did I learn from this experience? 

Things tend to go wrong when you don't want them to go wrong

This is Murphy's law. 

I believe our trip was smooth because we expected something to go wrong. When you expect things to be rocky and they are, you become more resourceful because your mind is not clouded by disappointment. You knew something was coming.

Don't confuse this type of thinking for pessimism. You're not expecting only negative outcomes. You're just being flexible enough to allow room for things to go wrong. 

The passenger that gets sick on the train.

The computer that crashes right before you saved your work.

The rain that crashes your wedding.

We can't control the world around us but we can control our reaction.

Although contingency plans are helpful, you can never fully prepare for the unexpected. The best way to get ready is to practice being flexible.

How do you react when things don't go as expected? Do you just get mad or are you thinking about what to do next?

Follow Bruce Lee's great advice to "be water, my friend". Water doesn't stop when there is an obstacle. It will go around, over, under, or any other way until it gets through. It persists until it reaches where it needs to go. 

So here are my lessons learned in a nutshell:

1. Do what makes you happy and stop using the "I'm a linchpin" excuse to boost your own importance and to hide your fear of failure.
2. Always be in the present moment even when thinking about the past and future.
3. Allow room for things to go wrong so when they do, you'll be thinking about next steps and not how unlucky you are.

What are some lessons you've learned while traveling?

For those interested, here are some pictures from my trip:

You can see more pictures at robertchen.com.

The post What a Trip Around the World Taught Me appeared first on Embrace Possibility.